tiredness.
i just feel tired of life in general. i don't feel like i really have anything to live for. well, maybe my weekends. yeah, i love those. but regular life, in school, no. frustration? ... not cool. i have lots to say and i have no idea what to say.

____ is the bane of my existence.
everything else, i feel so secure with. i just... i'm gonna be so happy when i know i'll never have to set foot in that classroom ever again. although i feel a little better lately about it cuz now all we do is dbqs and as long as i dont have to listen to him lecture about stuff i dont understand, i'm good. that movie we watched last class made me emotional, i was gonna cry when the soldier shot the vietnamese man. it just reminds me of my grandpa or something. (he fought in the war... not for the north though.) i just hope that i can raise it to an A. and pass the AP exam. i gotta start studying. sometime.

social life? eh, let's ignore that for a while.
wish list = win a date with tad hamilton, chasing liberty
may 1 = happiness (hopefully) for kat, sunfest with gavin and michelle

after school is done on friday, i am OUT. to texas. just living until that day comes.

i like this song.
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
i kept your photograph and i know it serves me well.
i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel right when you're gone away.
the worst is over now. and we can breathe again.
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
there's so much left to learn and no one left to find.
cuz i'm broken when i'm open and i don't feel like i am strong enough.
i am broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel right when you're gone away.

so fucking angry and frustrated today. for once, i don't wanna be at home. i just wanna be GONE. wish adam could just pick me up and i could LEAVE. dammit. i just get angrier with myself and with crap.

sigh. thanks to ashley cline, as always for finding some sort of outlet for me. usually a song, but this video is absolutely heartbreaking yet uplifting. thank you again.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shii.php

i feel like i'm in a tornado. and all i'm running on is adrenaline right now. i feel so busy, like i always have something to do. i guess i do. all this stuff is so overwhelming, but i ... i dont know. i feel tired. but then i feel obsessive and then i need to find something else to do. i'm such a freak.

APRIL 15th ART SHOW. 5:30-7:30. come.

i think i'm going to find some more stuff to do...

random things to say
it's really hard to let go of someone.
it's really hard to see someone let go of you.
it's really hard not to fall into the same mistakes.
it's hard to sacrifice your wellbeing for someone else.
it's easy to love you.


it's to dying in another's arms
and why i had to try it.
and if this is what it takes to lie in my mistakes,
and live with what i did to you.
and all the things i put you through.
they'll never hurt you like i do.
this is to a boy who got into my head
with all the pretty things he did.
you know you keep me up in bed.
this is to a boy who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did.
maybe you can keep me up in bed.
did you know i've missed you?
god, i miss you.

they didnt play this. but thats okay.
an interesting and awesome memory. i love you girls.

what i did not like about the night:
1) the people who WOULDNT "step back". instead they stepped forward.
2) the huge girls who bad-mouthed emo music/concerts.
3) not being able to hug my christine more and enjoy the music with her.

what i loved about the night:
1) making a lasting memory with ashley before she leaves us.
2) rockin out and wanting to be on that stage someday.
3) its always nice to hear something corporate live.
4) being so happy, i wasn't able to cry.
5) the lead singer of yellowcard playing with his shirt off... damn.
6) enjoying most of the concert with a good view AND lots of space. we're so smart, ashley.

it was just great. i will always be willing to see something corporate again. a lot of time was spent WAITING for people to stop pushing so they both didnt play for that long. but it's okay. <3333 i loved it. loved it. LOVED it.

missed our wonderful katherine who was meant to be there.

the only time i got sad was around the end of konstantine when he sang "i miss you".... yeah.

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

I am RUFIO.

Find out which band you are!

help me not to surrender
=*( i can't... i'm just so....

i can't find the little mermaid to cheer me up. is it a sign?

when i decide that it's done, when i decide i'm finally done with all this unnecessary nonsense and feelings, i go to bed and my heart decides to dream that it's not over. i just had the most movie-like dream. and it almost hurt feeling in love again. it felt so real. and in this dream, i was so passionately willing to fall back. and it's just not right. i don't understand. if a dream is a wish your heart makes, does that mean my heart still loves? does it mean its just trying to suppress it all? i don't know. i am so confused. and i don't understand what i'm saying or why i'm saying it. i just wish things were simple. and i wish i wasn't so confused with myself and with other people.

this is exactly how i acted in the dream:

*there's so much life i've left to live,
and this fire's burning still.
what would happen if they ever knew
i'm in love with you?
cuz i'd surrender everything,
to feel the chance to live again.
i reach to you. i know you can feel it too.
i surrender. every night getting longer
and this fire's getting stronger
i'll swallow my pride and i'll be alive.
did you hear my call? i surrender all.
i reach to you, i know you can feel it too
i surrender.*

how could the one who said "i love you" say the things you say?

how could you not love me anymore?

how could the love that brought such pleasure, bring such misery?

i am done. after that fit of depression, i had never been so close to swallowing water. but instead i just had to swallow the tears. and hopefully i stick to this. and hopefully i'll become immune to it all.

concert.needed.talk.hugs.needed.
warmth.

i told myself not to cry today. got that tingling feeling so many times, not even funny but not a single tear came out.

here is my first .

all i can do is inundate myself back into work. and maybe i wont feel it as much.

and the second .
and the third .



i need you so much closer.

so cold. now i cant stop sneezing, sniffling.

i just feel so majorly passive right now. i almost freaking fell asleep in the bathtub. no, i didnt try to drown myself. and it's already 9:10, i need to get offline. we might not be going to gainesville because my mom cant get a hold of andrew (and is freaking out) and most of the hotels are booked this weekend. but i doubt i shall go to soco/yc even if i am in town. shrug. maybe im just not in the mood right now to be excited.

why can't those feelings just go away and stop haunting me?

i wrote my personal statement for art... kinda BS but kinda the truth. april 15th. be there.

i just have no idea what to say.

this is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't.

tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade, but they did and so did i that day.

all i see are dark grey clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour. so when you ask "was something wrong?" that i think "you're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now. no, we can't talk about it now."

so one last touch and then you'll go and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. but it was vile, and it was cheap and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.


... but you do.

im just updating because i feel obligated to.

1smelly delray theatre - not cool.
2eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - interesting. a movie for a day off of school.
3the first week back at school - thank god its over.
4today's plans - nicole.
5my opinion on people - always fluctuating when i hear new things. some people i didnt like so much before, i know they're great people. some people i loved before, im skeptical on their character.
6what i need - a day of shopping. a day watching moulin rouge and eating chili <3. summmer.
7my body - needs more self confidence.
8my heart - needs to stop being played with and being confused.

9goodbye.

keep the blood in your head.
and keep your feet on the ground.
today's the day it gets tired.
today's the day we drop down.
give up my body in a bed.
all for an empty hotel.
wasting words on lowercases and capitals.
i lie only for you. and i lie well.

i think i'll stick with this layout.
today greta took me to barnes and nobles. <3 those after school outings with her. anyways... i think i'll stick with this song/layout. unless i hit a depression then it'll be dark again. but i like the blankness. this weekend is for being with some friends that i havent spent much time with, that i need to. thank god for weekends.

damn. i need to come up with things to talk about in this journal.

hoping to make more memories... sigh

how could the love that caused such pleasure, bring such misery?
not too bad of a day. im not in the best advice-giving mood right now, but i see some people writing about being depressed? it's just a phase. i guess. unless there's ... nevermind just let me shut up now before i say something stupid. i'll just leave you with something i wrote in art history.

take off your coat,
stay a while and break my heart.
you know you'll come back again
after i remodel my mind.
let me just invite you in and
maybe the pain won't feel as dark as usual.
pull my wrist to your body
and come closer so i can't hurt myself
because it's only your job to make me cry.
and why oh why, i do not know.
why can't we move on to grow
apart from each other?
instead we grow nostalgic and
we take a step backward.
that burn in your eyes gets to me
when i can't find something new to cling to.
just break my heart and leave again
and i won't have fresh memories
of you to live on.


greta and ashley said it was dark. it's not dark. trust me, if i wanted it to be dark, i can scare you. uuuuuuuuuh. yeah i felt really bad for mr epstein. =\ might not feel so bad after tomorrows test but yeah. i didnt go, but if i was there, seeing his face woulda been like heartbreaking. we played games with the white board instead. good times. uhhh. yeah nothing to say. sorry. shrug. just things i think in my own head nowadays. i think i'm done making other people listen to the redundant feelings of heartache i have. so lets just keep it to myself now, huh.

* gnite. *

i emptied another box of tissues
i cant stop crying. this whole night. great homecoming huh? coming home to feelings of...

it.
just.
hurts.

and i cant breathe.
it's so hard to control myself.

let me rant. dont read this.
why can't it just be happily ever after? everytime i think about it, i just can't help but sob and let the tears flow. and edgar asks me why, why do i keep stabbing myself in the heart over and over again. danielle says i need to learn not to let it hurt me. but i'm not strong enough. my heart just takes over and i wish so badly that everything just was... right. instead of every word piercing and making water run down my face. i thought that maybe if i just pretended like i could be his friend still, i'd actually be able to move on a little and at least carry on a normal conversation. but instead it leads to talk about broken hearts which brings crying. and then it leads to talk about happier times which brings crying. all i can do is lie in bed. i hope that my dreams arent as painful.

im giving up on love, but it doesnt seem to be giving up on me.