Edgar turns me on

:: 2007 8 November :: 12.33am
:: Music: the voices (they're everywhere)

going to maryland. leaving tomorrow. should be fun.

jessica is super-cool. and awesome. and having to tolerate me. which sucks. and so is everyone else, but they're just not faring as well in their tolerance as she is. which is unfortunate, although not entirely unexpected.

i'm fucking tired. and i haven't done shit this week.

oh well. maybe at the end of this tunnel i'll find myself. or at least someone else who can find me for me.

:: 2007 6 November :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: disoriented

cardiopulmonary recussitation

"Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever.
All I know can be shown by your acceptance of the facts; they're shown before you.
Take what I say in a different way and it's easy to say that this is all confusion.
As I see a new day in me, I can also show if you - and you may - follow.

Speak to me of summer, long winters - longer than time can remember,
The setting up of other roads, to travel on in old, accustomed ways.
I still remember the talks by the water; the proud sons and daughters
That knew the knowledge of the land spoke to me in sweet accustomed ways."

and stuff and things.

all in all, though, feeling good. just very lost. and my concept of time is completely out the window.

perscriptions

:: 2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica

i think i'm a good person.

it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.

i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:

My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?

--------

all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.

it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.

fucking A.

:: 2007 1 November :: 3.10am

as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.

and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.

puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.

it's bullshit, i'm telling you.

and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.

5 overdoses | perscriptions

:: 2007 31 October :: 2.17am

i carved a pumpkin tonight. it turned out well.

i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.

and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.

now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.

i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.

i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.

5 overdoses | perscriptions

spud	:: 2007 30 October :: 5.41am :: Mood: tired :: Music: Cake Paper Wood pulp; sometimes I despise you. Now how the hell do I finish it? Dammit. Maybe after a couple hours of sleep this will fix itself. perscriptions

:: 2007 26 October :: 2.17am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection

we could make sweet music together...

i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.

i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.

interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.

but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.

'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.

5 overdoses | perscriptions

spud	:: 2007 25 October :: 2.25am it's cold outside. and now my nipples are tender. i guess that's what i get. maybe tomorrow i'll just go topless. this deodorant smells awful. 5 overdoses \| perscriptions

:: 2007 25 October :: 1.03am

retrospective

"maybe i just don't want a relationship at all. i like being single and flirting with everyone. i don't know... when ever i start to get close to some one it is ok at first and i am all for it and then they start doing things that just freak me out. and then i run away. hmmm.... i need to find someone perfect for me, my personality needs to match their's, i can't be in a relationship where i feel like there is so much that i just can't live up to. why is it so hard for me to meet people i am actually attracted to. this sucks. i feel like i need to have someone, but i just don't want anyone i know. i need to meet someone new. which is hard. i'll try."

at least she's always known what she needs.

i have no idea what i need. or what i want. or what i have.

i'm a menace to society and myself.

:: 2007 22 October :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: not good

it's funny how quickly things change sometimes.

it's not funny how slowly i adapt to them. because just about the time i get settled in (if at all), it changes again anyway, and i'm just that much less interested in attempting to change for the next time.

funnier yet is how even when i don't feel like trying, i wind up changing anyway. it just seems like it should be more advertent and thought out.

this all adds up to me being listless and worthless, and me feeling all the emotions appropriate to those qualifications.

:: 2007 21 October :: 5.39pm
:: Mood: whelmed
:: Music: Extreme - Cupid's Dead

:: Romance Novel ::

Night is the time for deep conversations.
Staving off sleep for the value of a moment.
The haze tries to convince you to forget by morning.
Subduing it, you rise to face the afternoon, believing yourself a poet.

perscriptions

:: 2007 6 October :: 2.30pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: sad kermit

everything happens for a reason, right? at least, some would like to think so - myself being one of them.

that being said, i'm still trying to divine the full significance of gunnie's bonfire, thursday night's conversation with heather, drunksitting tonight (as opposed to being with katie and lindsay), and the fact that i found a frog in my laundry this morning.

this is all adding up to something monumentally mediocre. i can feel it. i just hope it's me.

:: 2007 2 October :: 12.26am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: toad the wet sprocket - dulcinea

happy october everyone

so i saw benzer and robbie this weekend. that was crazy. and i got to hang out with kevin a little bit, which was also nice.

turns out i might be headed up to c-town this weekend. is it red flannel? or is that next weekend? i think it's this weekend. which would be freakin' insane. i don't know why i can't quite escape the place. and why i don't quite want to. there's nothing in that town, but i can't quite give it up. and then i remember all the people. or i'm painfully reminded. either way, i find myself there intermittently.

which has interesting ramifications for the post-graduate plan of attack.

anyway, happy october everyone.

8 overdoses | perscriptions

:: 2007 17 August :: 7.51am
:: Music: BnL - Everything Had Changed

summer is over. vegas is over. williamsburg is over.

i have a bright future in a questionable vocation and another two wonderful years of college to look forward to.

right now, i'm sitting in an abandoned, foreclosed home - after working a 10 hour shift - getting ready to spend all day (and the rest of the weekend) moving shit, yet again.

life is a very, very odd thing. and this song is very fitting for this particular epoch in mine.

i made a vow to do a couple of things for myself within the next week. we'll see if that happens or not.

2 overdoses | perscriptions

tuwang

:: 2007 29 June :: 11.02am

I either suing the city of grand rapids... or killing me some civil engineers...

p.s. I'm serious... except for the killing part...

tuwang

:: 2007 19 June :: 5.50am

http://factualmaterial.com/douchebag.htm

as a side note. I searched chris' journal for that. good times...

tuwang

:: 2007 19 June :: 5.34am

so the one night I say to myself... man kevin, probably a good idea to get some sleep... here I am.

perscriptions

:: 2007 18 June :: 10.30am

this was probably a really crappy plan, but whatever. i don't care, because i'm buzzing and i just really wanted to, and i kind of feel like i deserve it. even though i probably don't. if that makes any sense. which it doesn't. but i don't freakin' care.

i'm having a good time, dammit.

:: 2007 13 June :: 5.59pm

you know, i really don't mind staying up all night. in fact, i kind of like it. it's probably my favorite part of this job. but i REALLY do not like waking up this late in the day. i never get anything done, because i feel like it's already over. and then the weekends are all fucked up. i don't know. i guess we'll tough it out.