m&ms487
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2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed
It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.
Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.
There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.
What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.
But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.
michelle
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m&ms487
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2006 16 June :: 7.52am
Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.
I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.
michelle
2 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 14 June :: 1.16am
:: Mood: hungry
shannon-dance
so, weekend... let's see:
friday night i worked. saturday day i worked. saturday night i went fishing with bruce, after helping clean some stuff around the house. sunday morning, got up early and went fishing with bruce and libby. sunday afternoon, went to grandpa and grandma's for dad's birthday thing. he's 45 now. on my way from there, the truck crapped out on me, so i pulled into a parking lot, called dad up, and he gave me a ride to meijer to pick up a new spark plug, and also stayed to give me a hand turning wrenches for a bit. we also had a nice long talk about the visitation situation. i think it helped him to hear what i had to say about it.
sunday night, shannon came up and we went to dinner with mom and libby, then we rented 50 first dates, which i had never seen before. it was cute. monday morning, shannon took libby and i to the zoo. that was fun. then we grabbed lunch, went for a quick walk in the park, and then i had to go to work, and she had to go to the orthodontist.
that's basically what has happened since i last updated. fishing was fun. shannon was fun.
i might be working as a decoy for the michigan liquor commission. i scheduled an interview for next week. i thought it would be an interesting experience.
tomorrow i'm hopefully going to hook up with emily for a bit. it's been awhile. and i might go out to campus view to get the loan signed, and make the down payment. i hope it's less than $300, because that's all i'm bringing.
thursday i'm supposed to meet with aunt mollie and aunt maria and tour the riverboat on which i will be DJ-ing for grandpa and grandma's anniversary.
friday i'm hopefully going to be meeting up with one of my prospective roommates, for an early lunch. his name is kyle.
and that is me, for the moment.
6 Wasted Their Money |
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m&ms487
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2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed
The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.
It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.
The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.
Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.
I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.
I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.
I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.
I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).
Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.
Or I could go to school.
Choices, Choices...
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore
-michelle
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2006 10 June :: 12.24am
:: Mood: drunk
okay, so i put drunk, but i'm really not that drunk. i just thought it was funny that gunnie put it on the list of options. and it might be good to note that funny and gunnie do indeed rhyme.
work was slow tonight. they had me sweeping floors and hauling dunage (empty carts and racks) most of the night. it was pretty lame. i'm still not sure what all they'll have me do for tomorrow, but i really don't care right now, and i'll be getting paid the big bucks to do it, so fuck.
it seemed to fit, okay? fucking shit. that's the thing that zach and i have going right now. it's like our inside joke or whatever... fucking shit. he invited me to fourth of july. i'm not sure if i'll go or not. i really want to see shannon. and i'm sure i'll see her before then.
she's really quite adorable, by the way. i was noticing that earlier, and i figured it would be nice to make mention of it. she's pretty damn cute. and i think i'll keep her.
so, mom opened the apple wine stuff. it's pretty good. it's carbonated. i'm not sure i'm a fan of the carbonation. but i like the tartness. that's different, and i like it. but that's not why i'm messed up right now. i took some more of that yukon jack stuff. it's really smooth. i like that too. it's sort of minty, like wintergreen flavor. and you'd never know its 100 proof....
okay, well, you might, by watching me. but aside from that, it's very inconspicuous.
ds;ljaf;dlkfja ;sdlkjf;alsdfj ad.
my fingers are rebelling again.
it's time for bed. i have to work in the morning.
fucking shit.
1 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 8 June :: 12.54am
:: Mood: chill
:: Music: brian bromberg - you know that feeling
how country are turnip greens?
i hate B-93. and i dislike a vast majority of country music. i just had to get that off of my chest.
something else i've had to get off my chest:
when i went to the snows' house saturday night, while shannon was babysitting, when i went to the bathroom, there was a sign on the mirror that said "J.O.Y."
it was an acronym, that said "jesus first, others second, yourself third". now, this really irked me. not because of putting others before yourself, i do that all the time. it's the only way to fly. but the problem i have, is with putting jesus before others. that's like... holy war, or some shit. now, i know that's not what they had in mind with the whole "joy" thing, but to me it just seemed ignorant. that jesus himself would likely want us to put others first, him second, and ourself third. or rather, that he was just another human. that he would include himself in the "others" and so, it would just be everyone else before you. that to me is what makes sense. putting jesus before others is just downright scary. i've seen it. not fun.
moving on, to a happier note, i bought some books and cds while i was down there, and i'm enjoying them very much. i'm not quite halfway through murder on the orient express yet. i'll let you know what i think of it, once i'm finished.
i proofread shannon's short story last night. i haven't heard back from her since i submitted my revisions.
and, inspired by her writing, and the rain and the thunder, and a conversation we had this past weekend, i began writing my own short story. which i'm sure will wind up being neither short, nor much of a story. but it'll be fun to write, i hope, anyway.
that's all for now. stuff to do. things to see. hours to sleep.
7 Wasted Their Money |
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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.45am
So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.
1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.
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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused
So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.
I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.
I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.
I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.
I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.
I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.
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m&ms487
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2006 2 June :: 9.29pm
"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"
It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.
It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.
Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.
A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.
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m&ms487
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2006 31 May :: 3.49pm
You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.
Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.
It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.
I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.
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2006 31 May :: 12.49am
:: Music: my fan / the thunder
lightning in the southern sky
this weekend was too incredible to describe with words. so i won't bother. we went canoing, swimming, movie-ing, chilling, playing cards, driving, everything.
it was great. and i still can't belive the trip home. all the way from elk rapids to big rapids. my ears were ringing. jeez.
moving on,
it has been a very long time since i have had my hair in a ponytail. but after today at work, i think it is a necessity, given that my hair kept swinging down and dripping sweat all over my glasses and safety goggles.
that's all i have to say for now. i can't feel my fingers, and that makes typing difficult.
but it's been like a week, and i feel entitled. or something.
i wonder what time i'll get up tomorrow. i'm not going to set an alarm, i know that much.
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2006 25 May :: 12.57am
:: Mood: not bad. not anything.
lamb...
first off - funny quote of the day:
"skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
- dave barry
---------------------
okay. work was normal. i did stuff. theoretically got paid for it. life goes on.
i was overcome with this overwhelming desire to call shannon. and what made it more difficult is i know she would have wanted me to. but i had to make use of what little willpower i have, and say no. i will see her friday night. just repeat the mantra, i guess. i feel like i should channel that energy i get into something productive, though. like, when i want to call her and talk to her, i should do something else instead. like she did with my memory box, or something. but i'm not as creative like that, so i don't know. i'll have to come up with something. i suppose i could write. i would be writing a lot. i could keep a pad and pen in the truck though. but i usually have to be in a different mindset to write. i dunno. we'll give it a shot.
the reading thing has worked well in that regard, i suppose. which i've been continuing. i finished part one of lamb, and will now proceed to post up my favorite quotes:
"'i'm thinking of being a professional mourner. how hard can it be? tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.'
'his father is a stonemason,' joshua said. 'we may both learn that skill.' at my urging, my father had offered to take joshua on as an apprentice if joseph approved.
'or a shepherd,' i added quickly. 'being a shepherd seems easy. i went with kaliel last week to tend his flock. the law says that two must go with the flock to keep an abomination from happening. i can spot an abomination from fifty paces.'
maggie smiled. 'and did you prevent any abominations?'
'oh yes, i kept all of the abominations at bay while kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes.'
'biff,' joshua said gravely, 'that was the abomination you were supposed to prevent.'
'it was?'
'yes.'
'whoops. oh well, i think i would make an excellent mourner. do you know the words of any dirges, maggie? i'm going to need to learn some dirges.'"
::
"with the tip of his sword, justus guided my gaze to apollo's stone penis, which lay in the dirt next to the two corpses. 'and do you want to explain how that happened?'
'the pox?' i ventured.
'the pox can do that,' maggie said. 'can rot it right off.'
'how do you know that?' joshua asked her.
'just guessing. i'm sure glad that's all over.'
justus let his sword fall to his side with a sigh. 'go home. all of you. by order of gaius justus gallicus, under-commander of the sixth legieon, commander of the third and fourth centuries, under authority of emperor tiberius and the roman empire, you are all commanded to go home and perpetrate no weird shit until i have gotten well drunk and had several days to sleep it off.'"
::
"'we have to find out a couple of things before joshua starts being the messiah,' i said.
'like what?' john seemed as if he would start crying again.
'well, like where joshua left his destiny and whether or not he's allowed to, uh, have an abomination with a woman.'
'it's not an abomination if it's with a woman,' josh added.
'it's not?'
'nope. sheep, goats, pretty much any animal - it's an abomination. but with a woman, it's something totally different.'
'what about a woman and a goat, what's that?' asked john.
'that's five shekels in damascus,' i said. 'six if you want to help.'
joshua punched me in the shoulder.
'sorry, old joke.' i grinned. 'couldn't resist.'"
::
so, apparantly my favorite parts circle around the singing of dirges and bestiality.
that explains a lot.
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2006 24 May :: 12.11pm
notable mention:
i just had the shortest, most productive phone conversation with my mother, to date.
i thought that was noteworthy. aside from that, i've been reading again which is good. and i'm working. i suppose that's also good. it's looking like i'll have saturday off - keep your fingers crossed. shannon is coming down on friday. friday i have to go into the hiring agency office and sort some stuff out about my check. they shorted me 3 minutes. which, i mean, it's just three minutes. but on the other hand, there's no reason for me to have been shorted at all, and as a matter of principle, that's very aggravating.
and i've only gotten one receipt. i don't even know if i actually have the money yet. i need to go to the bank and check.
and the truck needs work. i don't have time, tools, or a place to do it.
i see not much has changed.
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m&ms487
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2006 21 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: apathetic
School is done.
Now I get to look forward to working. at meijer. at the service desk. for six an hour. bitches.
It was fun while it lasted, i guess.
Now i get to go to college, that's the scary part.
Mine and Rueben's two year anniversary was Friday. It seems like we've been together forever....
He got me flowers and last night we went out to eat and then we fell asleep together. I love falling asleep with him. It's the only time when I feel safe. I can curl up next to him and know he won't let anything hurt me. It's a wonderful feeling.
i miss band.
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2006 18 May :: 1.54pm
:: Mood: motivated
i cleaned up my room some.
i have to run to the bank, because bruce was complaining.
...
"is it cool to hit the sauce when you've got a bun in the oven?"
i need not say more.
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2006 17 May :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: headache : (
:: Music: muse - absolution
man, i really suck at first-person shooters. and apparently they give me headaches too.
so i'm done with those.
i miss my girly. i really hope she can come up this weekend.
i guess dad planned a skating party over at plainfield on sunday for libby's birthday.
i'm way too tired. far more than i should be.
and this headache stuff is bullshit.
i can't even think. not that i really could to begin with, but you know.
i work tomorrow. that's exciting.
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2006 14 May :: 2.44am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: the ladd mcintosh big band
mothers' day
well, i finished making mom's present. i just wound up doing what shannon said, since i figured mom would appreciate the creativity, and i didn't get to stop by the crafts store anytime this week.
and i had to ditch on kevin tonight. and i'll have to tomorrow as well, or, at the very least, postpone it until later in the evening, depending on how late we wind up staying at grandma's.
working saturdays sucks. especially when you're not getting paid overtime for it.
i assume i'll feel better about everything once i get my first check. which should be friday. so, less than a week and i'll be seeing a couple hundred bucks. that should shut me up some.
although, if i were working full time, like on my own-ness, life would suck. i'd have no friends. and i'd barely be scraping by. seriously. let's do the math a second:
$11 / hr.
40 hrs / wk.
= $440 gross/ wk. (= approx. $300 net)
$300 / wk.
52 wks. / yr.
= $15,600 / yr. INCOME
rent = $300 / mo.
utilities = $100 / mo.
food, etc. = $100 / wk.
= approx. $10,000 EXPENSES
= $5,600 miscellaneous expenses, savings, etc. / yr.
not to mention i'd be completely miserable. i personally don't know how dad does it. i mean, i just couldn't keep plugging away with that staring me in the face.
but in all truth, sometimes i don't see me keeping plugging away as the current situation sits either. i mean, i'm making maybe $6000 / yr. instead; and i have MORE expenses ($15,000 +) than i would if i weren't going to school, and the only thing i seem to have going for me is the fact that i'm NOT completely miserable, and hopefully when all is said and done, my school will have paid for itself, and i'll be able to be un-miserable, and more financially productive in my given field.
i just don't know if it will work. it's a good theory. but will it work?
at any rate, 'tis a far, far better thing to go to school than to waste away in some factory.
however, looking at these numbers, i won't be able to start a family for at least another 5 - 10 years. not that i'm in any great hurry. i just think it would be nice to have a family and a home. and i would potentially like to start on it before i'm 30.
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2006 13 May :: 12.51am
:: Music: acoustic alchemy - radio contact
man. i probably shouldn't make a habit of this having a nightcap after work, but gol' durn it sure is nice.
i mean, it's really cool to have my body go numb and all the little noises to go quiet before i go to sleep. and it's not like it's so much as to cause a problem in the morning. it's just enough.
i don't think it's a problem. i could stop if i wanted to. like this weekend. that'd be good.
wheee. i should've seen this coming. i just enjoy the fact that i can't feel my face far too much. but yet i can still type and stuff....
meh. i don't think it's going to be an issue. i mean, it might be, but as long as i just respect things for what they are.
no sangria tonight though.
tonight is white russian. it's much better when its not 2% milk and orange rum, let me tell you. there's a fun story.
it involves kevin having sex in my parents' waterbed.
good times, good times.
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2006 12 May :: 1.27am
WOO!!! SANGRIA!!!
driving hilos is kinda fun.
that is all.
oh, and it looks like i have a place to live this fall. yay!
and driving hilos is fun.
and i'm taking the truck into the shop tomorrow.
but you already knew that.
shannon is super-serial sexiness.
but you knew that too.
man, my fingers won't work anymore....
4 Wasted Their Money |
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2006 11 May :: 12.48am
:: Mood: sleepyish
:: Music: boney james - sweet thing
charlevoix was fucking sweet. i want to go back there and stay in that place and that moment forever and ever. but i can't.
that being said, i started work on tuesday. and i'm making calls about living arrangements for next fall. so far no luck.
work is pretty cool. the guys are nice and relaxed, which is cool. and the work is sort of interesting. i'm basically unloading semi-trailers right now. and sorting the stuff that we're unloading. it's lots of pushing and pulling and lifting and stuff. but tomorrow i take my hilo test. hopefully that goes well. there's a written portion, as well as a practical, with an obstacle course and everything. hopefully i do alright.
friday morning i made an appointment to take the truck into the shop and have them replace the steering relay rod. apparently it's like a 4 hour job. and it's all free, because it's a recall part. sweetness. maybe i'll get an alignment out of the deal. i'll be sure to bring a book.
so, life keeps on trucking, faster than i can keep up. but that's okay.
i don't have to keep up. because everyone is so wonderful to me.
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