【 Squallet's Sanctuary 】

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 27 November :: 3.54am

Stinger hasn't even finished scanning yet and I can tell mom's lappy is pretty fucked. Not because of viruses so much as because she never deletes ANYTHING, and there are a gajillion processes running in the background. I can't see them for some reason, but I can tell they are there, just by the way it's running.

:: 2010 16 November :: 11.05pm

a morning filled with 400 billion suns
i fell asleep that night to the sound of your heart 20 feet away from me, your big upright bass in the middle of the night like a lighthouse for my soul to follow to shore.

i wish i could be mad at you but all i feel is tenderness. you are an ephemeral thing and i want all of you while i can have it.

:: 2010 7 November :: 11.12pm

I remembered a dream and it was awful.

He was asking me to come back and showing me his wallet, he said I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I want to marry you, look at how much money I made for us. It's just a start but please come back.

And I couldn't say ANYTHING.

Last night was terrible and tonight is worse. Please let this stop sucking.

:: 2010 25 October :: 2.51am

EURYDICE

Orpheus never liked words. He had his music. He would get a funny look on his face and I would say what you are thinking about and he would always be thinking about music.

If we were in a restaurant, sometimes I would get embarrassed because Orpheus looked sullen and wouldn't talk to me and I thought people felt sorry for me. I should have realized that women envied me. Their husbands talked too much.

But I wanted to talk about my notions. I was working on a new philosophical system. It involved hats.

This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful.

Orpheus said the mind is a slide ruler. It can fit around anything. Words can mean anything. Show me your body, he said. It only means one thing.

:: 2010 23 October :: 4.37am

i miss that stupid greasy hair the stubbled face and your one slightly wandering eye, that bloodshot patch on the white of the other eye, your gaptooth, the way you only wear t-shirts with your tiny gut pushing out from beneath. i miss having to explain the plot complexities of movies and tv shows, and i miss the way you don't understand my love of the office or the alfred hitchcock hour from 11-12 on the local station but support it nonetheless. i miss the way you could only cook mexican food and only wanted mexican food and sometimes meatballs or chicken curry. and i miss the way you saw me as all that was good in your world, your beacon of bright happy sunshine, that is until i took it and ripped it to shreds and made it so that you couldn't go more than two days without seeing whatshisface. whatshisface with his own brand of misshaveness, a scrawny frame filled with beer and the desire to be bukowski, but who laughed with me and challenged my brain and asked it to RISE to the occasion, which is something i cannot miss about you, because it is something you hardly ever did.

gillette

:: 2010 21 October :: 1.10am

feels so alone. with nobody to comfort me or show me love or affection, i'm here, alone, trying to fight through this on my own. i need him to comfort me and tell me it will all be ok, but that will never happen. i can't "change" him. god forbid i ask for love and compassion, or at least a little bit of sympathy. i need him to hold me and tell me it'll all be ok. but he's too fucking cold hearted. and the one person i could go to to pull me through any emotional crisis is off with someone new and it kills me.

7 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

michellestar

:: 2010 18 October :: 10.12pm

last
To my readers:

There's a reason I haven't been writing. I cannot talk about it here. But I realized this gave me the opportunity to do what I knew would have to be done someday. Say goodbye.

But first, thank you. Thank you for listening to my words through your pixels. Thank you for coming along, whatever your reason, whoever you are. Thank you for watching my mystery unravel.

It's hard for me. To let this go. Seven years of my life are in these pages. A documented path from student to scientist. I'm not leaving because there's nothing to say, rather the opposite is true. There's so much that got left out from this summer, all those months I wasn't writing. A huge chunk of this is missing because of it, but that's the way it goes.

It wasn't always this way. Woohu was a community once. I thought of it more of a message board for my dorm and the group of friends I congealed with freshman year. One by one they left here, but I made a conscious decision to stay. Not for any particular reason, other than this became home. And I began to realize that all along, this journal, the memories buried in these pages, had been for me. To see growth flowing through words, representing actions, representing faith in myself.

And this became my memoir. My memoir of everything I lost and all that I gained. My winding road from those terrifying early moments in chemistry freshman year to a full-fledged forensic scientist in the NYPD. From being horrified to speak in front of room of classmates to testifying in courts of law to a jury of strangers. From bemoaning biochemical pathways and stoichiometry to analyzing mass spectral evidence.

When this journal began I was 18 years old. I was a wide-eyed freshman in college surrounded by strangers who would eventually become friends. I was dating a British boy back home, saw my parents every month or so, and thought I was going to become a biochemist. My first entry was made in playful angst as I fidgeted with my new life.

As this journal ends, I am 25 years old. A girl standing on her own two feet looking back and knowing how she got here, in large part to this very place where she could watch it unfold. This place took my experiences, often too close for me to see clearly, and let me take a step back and examine them to see them for what they were. Seven years later, I have a domestic partnership, a new group of friends, and a career in forensics. And my last entry is not in angst, but rather in wonder. This is to have succeeded. To end better than I began.

I didn't write everything here. There are a lot of things that happened to me, or I happened to them, that will never grace these pages. But what's here is my truth nonetheless. What's here was for me, and that makes it real.

I am not done writing forever. This has become ingrained in me and I had to make a conscious effort not to do it. Not because I have some sort of fantastic life that the internet needs to know about, but because life is something worth documenting even if just for myself. I will be found elsewhere, when I'm ready.

I am going to open back up a few of my last entries to give a sense of where I left off. These last two years had more loss, in the sense of people, than I have dealt with in the rest of my life combined. My life has undoubtedly changed because of it.

But in the end, thank you to the friends in Michigan, friends in New York, Jason, family members, a few coworkers, and a handful of strangers who read this. Thank you for finding this interesting enough to even have read it just once. Thank you for embracing yet another cell floating in the endless sea.

MichelleStar
October 18th 2003 - October 18th 2010

5 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 18 October :: 3.59pm
:: Mood: pensive

is that why they say people 'fall' for each other?
journal is going to be 9 years old this winter.

way to be fucking old, journal. you should try harder.

--------------------------------------

i keep seeing all these people getting together. i suppose it's all part of the annual cycle. as gunnie said, it's the time of year when i really start wanting a girlfriend.

it seems like summer's all about being single, and going out and playing the field. but now that it's fall, people are all getting ready to settle down and prepare for the winter hibernation. plus i think there's just something romantic about the leaves and the harvest and all that. it's a nice time of year to appreciate the coziness and warmth that can be had in a relationship - especially a fresh one.

the more i see people shacking up (and for the first time ever, my sister is one of them... don't think i haven't noticed that she's been hiding him from the family), the more left out i feel. not that i want to be a part of the herd necessarily, but i like the coziness and the warm fuzzies. and it's really hard to get that by yourself. after all, i should know.

speaking of The Herd; chuck and i have begun writing our Cultural Revolution Manifesto, or CRM. it's currently a very rough first draft. once we do some editing, augmentation, and revisions, i will start posting up the revised copies as we finish them. neither of us is very motivated, so who knows how long it will be. but at least we're getting started.

peace out, mr. j. it's been a pleasure, as always.

p.s. went to visit mike yesterday. he's doing incredibly well, considering that 3 weeks ago he was as good as dead. seems to know what's going on for the most part, but still gets confused occasionally. at least his nurses are cute. that should make things more tolerable.

1 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 17 October :: 11.24pm

I am so lost and cannot shine in the land of darkness anymore.

m&ms487

:: 2010 1 October :: 9.38pm

I took the GRE today. The testing center is in the basement of one of the old dormitories at Central. It was weird. And dark.

I earned a 550 on the verbal section and a 480 on the quantitative section. I'm going to take it again in a year if I don't get admitted to University of Michigan's joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies.

1 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 30 September :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: The Eels

Just a quickie...
Been busting my ass lately. doing lots of digging, building, chainsawing, etc. at the boss's house. cut down a pine tree with the neighbor here at the house last weekend. busy busy busy.

but i have tomorrow off. i am sleeping in, goddammit.

it feels good to have been accomplishing stuff. and my muscles are really sore, but that should be a good thing, right? right.

last weekend our friend mike was in an accident. he was drunk, supposedly driving home, which doesn't explain what he was doing out on lincoln lake rd. when he was in GR, and lives in Grant. he hit a firetruck, which then rolled down an embankment. but at least he had prompt first aid. he's still unconscious in intensive care, but he seems to have stabilized a bit, and is even improving in some regards. it was pretty touch and go for awhile, and there's still the likelihood of paralysis, and a slight risk of brain damage. i guess at least he didn't kill anyone. it's weird, because mike has always driven drunk. i'm not sure if it's more surprising that it happened at all, or that it took this long. but, if you pray, he and his family really need it. i have been, in my own way.

sorry if that brought you down. just the facts of whats going on.

otherwise, it's life as usual. i actually have a bit of money in the bank, which blows my mind. and it's not a lot. so, i'm just waiting for something expensive to happen. but in the meantime, it feels good to have a little cushion. and gas in the truck.

now, to work on whittling away at some of that money and starting off my long weekend properly....

:: 2010 30 September :: 12.06am

CROWDED LOUD BUSY DEATH at least i'm loved and never bored.

goodbye

:: 2010 14 September :: 1.05am

Truth
Every shadow, no matter how deep, is threatened by morning light.

m&ms487

:: 2010 21 August :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: calm

It's the end of the week, but only the beginning of the end. This is the Saturday before I start my last semester as an undergraduate college student. This was also the first week that I have been on educational leave from The Company since my freshman year of college.

I spent the entire week devoted to volunteering at CMU's band camp: meal set up, instrument sorting, wind suit dissemination, water cooler wrangling, to name a few of the tasks. Tonight, I and several of my Brothers went to see Jeff Daniels perform a concert in the streets of downtown Mt. Pleasant as volunteers for the Red Cross. They were raising money specifically for their infant pantry and I was able to collect the largest single donation: a $100 check.

Standing in the middle of the barricaded road with my Red Cross Volunteer Vest made me think about what I am doing. I intend to apply for a joint PhD program in English and Women's Studies at the University of Michigan this fall (for fall 2011 admittance). I want this degree because I think it will allow me to have a job in the eventual downfall of the University English Department; but the real reason I want it is so that I can understand. I want to KNOW. I want to examine those socio-economic hetero-patriarchal hegemonic power structures so that I KNOW how to turn them in on themselves. I want to expose them and say "AHA! I've got you now!" I want to understand why things happen the way they do so that I can make others understand. I want them to be empowered so they have a chance to make a choice for themselves; to be able to have some semblance of freedom (I know there are several hundred theorists which would, at this point, as if freedom is even possible; Janis Joplin would tell me it happens when there's nothing left to lose).

But, at this point in time, an academic has just so much hold. There is so much to do and not every woman (or man that cares about these power structures-yes, men can be feminists, too) is going to be going through a university class which others like me will teach. What to do? Why aren't there more of us helping organizations like the infant's pantry? Why didn't I know that the Women's Shelter probably needed volunteers? That's how I can start to make a difference.

I was thinking this as I stood there under the street light as the sun began to go down and about one hundred people crowded around the small stage to meet Jeff Daniels. I stood there, holding my donation bucket, smiling as everyone walked past me, guiltily looking away because they did not want or could not afford a donation. I didn't donate any money simply because I don't have any to give; but I have my time. I gave my time and my thoughts and stood there, smiling, hoping that at least each person walking by thought about what it might be like to be a woman or a man going into that pantry, how he or she got there, and why.

Why?

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 11 August :: 12.51am

let's see....

canoe trip was fun.

cedar point was awesome.

i spent some time today tearing the mower apart, cleaning it out, replacing the fuel line, and then reassembling everything. it still ran like shit, but at least it still ran - i didn't break anything! which also means that it's probably the spark plug. i pulled it and it's pretty well fried, i think. sometimes it's hard to tell with those; they can look all crudded up and still fire okay. but since it's not running and i already checked pretty much everything else on the engine, process of elimination mandates that it is indeed the culprit. a new one will either confirm or deny the theory, at any rate. it's kinda dumb that i tore it all apart, and still didn't fix the problem, but the fuel line needed to be done anyway, so it worked out.

kinda taking a hiatus from the painting thing so i can help watch joe while he's up for the week. i do have to run and put in a bunch of screens at another house tomorrow afternoon. apparently the new tenants really want them. i have no idea if that hare-brained scheme of the hooks and latches is going to work, but there's only one way to find out.

dropped bruce's boat off at van's today. we'll see what they come up with. i wasn't there when he encountered the problem, so i have no idea what might be going on with that thing. invariably, it's something to do with the fact that he's left it sitting in the woods for the last two years, and has only taken it out on the water a select few occasions in that span of time. he's not very neat or clean or proper with that thing, all of which are kind of requisite. outboard motors are notoriously finnicky and demand special attention... which is why his never run correctly.
i did feel really dumb, though. i had to use chuck's truck to tow it down there, since i only have an 1 7/8" ball on my truck, and it's a 2" hitch on that trailer. but chuck's truck only has the round trailer light jack, while the trailer has a flat plug. so i drove it all the way to alpine without trailer lights, because i was running out of time and didn't know what else to do. i just had to get it done and get his truck back to him. after i drop it off, bruce calls to see how i'm doing. i explain about the plug thing, and he says, "isn't the adapter in that orange bin?"
"what orange bin?"
"the one i gave you with all the trailer hitch stuff in it"
". . . oh. that one. yeah, maybe. didn't think to check there."
i get home (sans trailer), and sure as shit, it's sitting right there in the orange bin with all the trailer hitch stuff. i felt like such a dumbass. and driving that thing over there without lights was no treat, let me tell you. people on alpine will tailgate and cut you off simultaneously, without warning; especially if you're towing something. and that's dangerous when they don't have any way of knowing you had to slam on your brakes for smiling Jack Asshole, who realized at the last possible second that this was his turn, so he darts across two lanes of traffic halfway through the intersection. yeah, alpine.

:: 2010 8 August :: 12.59am

i may not always like what you do but that has nothing to do with my loving you.

:: 2010 6 August :: 4.56pm

"i confuse her love with the sea
she is a rare ephemeral thing"

BrandyAlexander

:: 2010 25 July :: 8.17pm

First year.
So, it's a little late. Brady and I had our one year anniversary earlier in July. Anyways, it was fantastic. We've had a really great year and we're very happy. He loves me extremely and we're very committed to each other.

My birthday is actually coming up. I'm realizing I haven't made any plans and it's only getting closer. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I mean, Brady and I are spending my actual birthday together, but I figured I should pull all my friends together the day before and go out to have dinner or something. I want to go to this little sushi place that's run by an old Korean couple. They've always been really good to me and I'd like to give them some good business.

Things are okay, for the most part.

Today, I got a dress for Brady's aunt's wedding. I'm very excited. I hope I can find a dress for Dora's wedding too.