Jacob is leaving me. Well, for Pontiac. He got his job as a felony parole officer, which is GREAT, but not for me. I'm happy for him, but I'll miss him SO much. And it's not safe down there. He has 3 weeks to find a safe/nice apartment to live in in the surrounding area and go. He starts August 21st I think. So for a year or more he'll be permanently down there, so far away, working 40+hours a week. It makes me want to cry.
"There's a way about you that just seems right surrounded by drums, and you come alive to battle it."
i understand what they meant. and yeah, maybe it was just a nice little compliment, and that is all. but maybe not. it almost seems to me as if there is something more to it. as if, in that moment, they had a lucid picture of my mind and my heart and my emotions. like they took a polaroid of my soul. and, it just so happened that - as they saw it - my soul was doing its happy dance, for lack of a better term. and it's true. most of the time when i'm playing drums, i'm happy deep down. it just feels good, and i can focus on that one solitary task (which is actually quite complex and anything but solitary), and it will be enough to distract me from whatever else is going on in my life. unless of course there's a crowd of people watching. but that's not the important part. the important aspect of this observation is that the battle - the maelstrom - that they saw in that instant, isn't happening for me anymore. i mean, it happens every time i go into the basement and jam for half an hour. but then i get done, cool down, and it's gone again. i feel the same way when i'm working on cars, or running sound, or making a recording. it's fun, exciting, exhilarating. it's a challenge for me to conquer. it's a puzzle that i find absolutely fascinating. i need to figure out how it ticks... how to fix it if it's broken... what i could do to make it work better, easier, faster, louder, stronger... you get what i'm saying. then and only then am i truly happy, truly satisfied, fully energized and motivated and ... alive.
and what i want - what i REALLY want more than anything - is to feel that passion in all aspects of my daily life. and it seems that i barely feel it at all anymore. like someone just took all of my energy away. or maybe it's there, but i can't seem to reach it when i need to. it absolutely baffles me.
okay, saying all aspects of my daily life is probably misleading. if i was that excited about taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, and did those chores with the same kind of zeal or fervor that i do in playing drums, it would be creepy and weird. and i'd probably need 12 hours of sleep every day just to maintain my energy levels. so, no i don't want it quite like that. but i want to be able to have a job that i do every day, that offers me the opportunity to have little glimmers of that passion bubble up to the surface from deep within my soul every so often. just enough to remind me of why i'm alive. of why i'm here. of why the fuck nobody's killed me yet. and get a bit of a boost from it, so i have enough energy and self-motivation to be able to get in there and kick it in the butt, like i'm supposed to.
all i know is i'm sick of being poor, i'm sick of being bored, and i'm sick of being either A) stuck at home with a chore list five miles long that i refuse to do, or B) being out and about, thinking about all the chores i have back home that i'm not doing, and about all of the money i'm spending (and not making) in the process of being out. i need something else.
"Well then, I think I may be able to help you. You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. his condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we vets call "environment" - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli; a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat ... is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome; angst, weltschmerz, call it what you will-"
"Moping."
"In a way, in a way. Hmm... moping, I must remember that. Well now, what can be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?"
"...well-"
"SHH! ... no."
"Yes, well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused."
"What?"
"Confused! To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid, I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card."
"Oh... Confuse-a-Cat Ltd..."
So...five year anniversary with Meijer today. I can't believe I've wasted so many years in that place. At least I get good hours and although I'm not making that much I have an in with management and it's relatively easy work.
This morning around three a nine year old girl stole about three hundred dollars worth of stuff from the store. She had snuck out of the house and rode her bike to Meijer. On her way (back home?) she got pulled over by the cops. Her mom had to take her to the hospital because she had cut herself with the utility knife that she stole to open the merchandise packages. After that, the mom brought her back to the store (about seven am when i first opened the desk) and purchased the stuff that she opened and got blood on and returned the other stuff that was still in the packaging. The girl didn't even look upset.
i'm so excited to go to camp tomorrow. i've gone there every year with my whole family since i've been like...9 i think. we rent out a whole girl scout camp. we have cabins, a lodge a huge firepit with benches all around it, our own beach, canoes and everything. its so fun. i haven't gone away and done anything in like..well a year. no vacation really, no break from everything. each year we have like a 'theme' last year it was pirates of the caribbean..i have so many younger cousins and they bring all their friends, so we split them into teams and my aunts plan all these games and everything that have to do with the theme. my cousin carly and her husband rented a jack sparrow costume and a pirate costume and dressed all up and talked with a pirate accent and everything to address the kids, it was great. this year the theme is the wizard of oz!! which i'm so excited about. apparently i get to play some sort of Dorothy part during the 5 days we're there. we have a 'secret' dinner planned which i don't even know about. i mean it will do with the theme i'm pretty sure but they won't even tell me what it is although they tell me the other secret stuff lol. i know it might sound childish kind of, but it's so fun and the kids have soo much fun and they look forward to all the games and activities and everything. one year we had my boy cousins dress up in drag and do a pageant and it was hysterical! then we all had to go in front of the video camera and vote for who we wanted to win survivor style, ha. last year jake and i went fishing and i broke his fishing pole, and we walked around a lot on all the different trails and such and just hung out. i hope everything goes well this year and that everyone has fun and there isn't too much drama or anything. with so many young girls and their friends around, some fights usually pop up between them b/c they can get pretty bitchy towards each other sometimes lol, but i guess we shall see. i love my family because they are so creative and fun. everyone always laughs a TON and my one aunt always ends up dancing ellen style. seriously she could be ellen. there are alwyas a ton of stories to laugh about and things going on to entertain us all. i hope when i'm older my sister and i can come up with fun stuff like this for my kids and their cousins etc..mmmmmm can't wait for smores. :)
it is getting that way, i can smell you and feel you when you are gone. and the nights you are with me go on and on in a blur of your smells and your hair and when we wake up together we make love and fall back asleep together and everything is going to be different this time, or exactly the same, and i do not know but i do not care! i am falling falling in love and finally i want to paint and finally i want to do something with myself. OH yes yes yes yes eysysysysysyses yes!
My name is chris, and I am in Kansas City (well... shawnee, KS. but close enough). isn't that cool? i thought you'd be impressed.
I'm getting kind of hungry. probably because this entry is about what i've done so far since i've been here.
we got here yesterday morning. i proceeded to burn cds and copy music to my laptop for the next several hours. then we went out to dinner. it was amazing. i got a glass of gewurtstraminer and a fish sandwich. today we went to gymnastics practice, and went shopping at kohls and old navy. then got gelato. now we're chilling at the house. leaving sometime either tomorrow, or early tuesday.
that's about it.
i should get some food. to eat. and stuff.
peace,
Chris
P.S. funny quote of the day:
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." - Joe E. Lewis
i do believe in it with all of my tiny little heart. and how could i ever doubt that your soft touch would leave simply because it is soft. my feet are firmly planted beside yours and my smile is getting bigger and bigger all the time.
I'll never forget my first date with Jacob. It was back in June, so we went to the fur festival. We went on all the rides, like the wallabee Wheel and the Tunnel of :P. I was so nervous and lumpy from the rides, that I threw up my tacos from lunch! But that was ok, because Jacob held my hair back and then said, "old gregg!!" After that, we played some carnival games. We played firefly flip and Shoot the pictures. he won me a stuffed narwhal and a plastic barack obama doll. At the end of the date, Jacob asked if they could spew me. "Hahaha, I dont do that on the first date!" So then we just shook hands and said, "easy there fuzzy little man peach"
Today is my wedding day, I am getting married to Michelle. He proposed by swiftly telling me he gagged me and presented me with a brown ring decorated with 8cats. How could I say no! We are having the wedding in Casino where we will eat Fig newtons and bahama mama. The dress is crunchy and fluffy and the bouquet is a bluedeoderant. Jessicabitch slapped the bouquet into the air and it kissedErin. She got knocked out and had to be escorted to Wal Mart. All in all, my wedding was a very horrifying day.
I think I forgot to tell you about my July 4th weekend. Silly me. Here's how it goes.
Friday, the 3rd, Rueben, Michelle, and I all went to Prison. When we got there I suddenly realized I was only wearing my bathing suit. Oops! I quickly put on my Panties and called it good. The Speech Pathologist looked at me and screamed, "Eat Your Nuggets!". Apparently that's what happens when you're only wearing panties! That night we went back to Michelle's house where we proceeded to make a poop. It blazed bright Beige.
Saturday, the 4th, we were very crinkly. We played in Michelle's pool most of the day. Floating about on our dogs. Rueben got extremely burned by the vomit. We spread Relish all over their body, and off to the fireworks we went!
We thought the fireworks were sweet! There was one that looked like a Panda. One like a Grey Hound Bus. Even one like a Faygo bottle! WOW! We especially liked the one that was the color of rainbows.
doctors all the time and swallowing barium is disgusting and prescriptions and i'm always sick and dan sleeps over and takes care of me but i know he must be so annoyed and he must want to leave for a girl that is just a little tougher
I took a moment from my day
Wrapped it up in things you say
Mailed it off to your address
Youll get it pretty soon unless
The packaging begins to break
And all the points I tried to make
Are tossed with thoughts into a bin
Time leaks out my life leaks in
You wont find moments in a box
And someone else will set your clocks
I took a moment from my day
Wrapped it up in things you say
And mailed it off to you
i still can't seem to figure out how funny these guys are. i don't know if they're actually funny, or if i just started watching long enough to where brain cells actually started dying.
i'm still kind of upset about michael jackson's death. maybe to some people it's already 'old news' or they never cared about it in the first place. losing him is a huge tragedy to music and to the world, honestly! he was a beautiful person inside and out. i grew up listening to his music. my parents always played oldies for my sister and i, and we used to always listen to this jackson 5 8 track my dad still has. as i got older, i realized how much i loved his voice and when i was going through some really hard times when i was 16 or so i always listened to his song 'you are not alone' and 'smile' over and over and over again. we also had a lot in common. he cares a ton about other people and the earth. he had a tragic life and its so sad that towards the end, people only focused on the negatives and not all the wonderful things he has done for charity and tons of people less fortunate then him. he was a humanitarian even though inside he was always torn apart. i can relate to that. smiling on the outside but sad on the inside. i'm not trying to be cheesy or too sentimental, but just hearing his songs and watching interviews with him on tv make me feel so sad to have lost him. it is so sad. it's a tragedy.
More pharmaceutical fun. So he DID give me those pills for free. Those pills are nine bucks EACH! It was only three of them, but still...and I went in there tonight to pick up my rx and he was chatting away as usual..He asked me if my boyfriend was coming to visit me this weekend and I said no, and he said he was a jerk! HA! i was like woooooooahh there.
I'm worried about grad school. EVERYONE i talk to is like, 'oh my neice/friend/etc...got all A's and couldn't get in anywhere in Michigan for the speech path program' seriously like 6 people have told me that. I must know why! what can i do so that doesn't happen to me?! how can i make myself different? stand out? etc...UGH!!
Beyonce Halo
soo it's been a long time since i've updated more than a few strange words.
so much has been happening. life is...insane. busy. spiraling everywhere. pain, love, excitement, hurt. moving forward, moving backward, sitting in the middle of it all.
work is ridiculous. i work 32 hours plus a week. i hardly have any time to myself anymore. i definitely need the money more than anyone could ever know, but it's exhausting sometimes.
i got a B+. a fucking B+. there goes my 4.0 at CMU. GONE------> ughhhhh
i miss jake. i hate just 'visiting' with my boyfriend. i want him here, with me. i hate it.
i feel alone, overwhelmed, grown up. doing things on my own. taking care of everything. trying to hold my family together, wishing my father was sober...scrounging for pills that the doctors office won't subscribe.
my pharmacist says i'm the most 'normal, mature 21 year old that comes in here," again could be just because he loves me. maybe not. but he should know at least some about me since i'm forced to talk to him for half an hour increments everytime i go in there. he is kind of attractive which is the odd thing. he's like 28. weird. especially since i always feel skanky when i go in there either in my work uniform or some sort of sweat pants and tank top. bleh
bought one bellybutton ring got four free. woohoo and bought a mouth guard so i don't grind my teeth down to the gums like i have been. it's annoying though and weird.
when is my someday. i want it now. i want my turn.
An old angry man threw his Meijer Credit Card at me yesterday when I told him I couldn't check his balance for him and that he'd have to call the number on the back of the card. I promptly said, "Sir, I want you to know that was very rude and I do not appreciate it" like he was five years old. He apologized and said he didn't mean any "offense."
