【 Squallet's Sanctuary 】

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 26 June :: 3.43pm

a thousand times yes! and another thousand things to do. why am I online?

:: 2009 24 June :: 7.28pm

joe is acting just as he did in high school he blames me for everything and pushes me out, completely out, yells and screams and wants me to roll over and die.

:: 2009 24 June :: 1.17am

in the most potent moments i am so happy. i have faith that every question you have asked me is because you desperately want to know the answers, that you cannot stand it outside of my heart, and i have not lied to you in all this time. i trust you to trust me, and above all else i know that you will care for me and understand, at least partially, my relationship with joe. not once have you complained or been jealous and you have no reason to be.

i will not always choose him over you.

i am fa-a-a-ling in to a deep well!

m&ms487

:: 2009 23 June :: 9.13pm

It's decidedly too warm outside-especially for our apartment which doesn't have air conditioning.

Just working all summer; trying to study my french and read a bit.

Rueben is standing in front of my fan and it makes me angry.

grr.

"Until the become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they they have rebelled they cannot become conscious."

-two points for whomever gets where this is from without searching for it.

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 23 June :: 5.34pm

my doctor gave me buspirone. i don't want it or need it.

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 23 June :: 11.55am

i want to. i'm here. show me.

gillette

:: 2009 21 June :: 10.31pm

how can i explain this type of hurt.

he disappeared before i left so he didn't even say goodbye.

happy fucking fathers day.

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 21 June :: 12.42pm

oh baby, i am so excited.

i got a cage today for my two little girl rats and have narrowed down a few names (molly, babette, charley, gaia, blue). i am anxiously awaiting rothbury while i begin painting my commission piece for adam christy. i have two days to paint it, and it will be shipped out as soon as he pays me half.

hopefully more sooner than later I will find out what the doctor says is wrong with me, and hopefully it is small and requires a tiny pill to correct. i think that is the case.

we have had some roommate disputes lately but all seems to be working out.

daniel is an angel. two nights ago he asked me to sleep over, so i went in my pjs and he had made me enchiladas, and we ate a whole big plate just the two of us and fell asleep with kitty on the bed beneath us. he is so good to me.

:: 2009 20 June :: 6.38pm

some things you'll do for money, and some you'll do for fun, but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one

9 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 19 June :: 8.58pm

take care my foolish heart

m&ms487

:: 2008 12 April :: 8.23am

Idea for graduate admission paper: Analyze three or four contemporary American novels (1980 to present) cataloging the decline and/or transformation of religion in the American population. Contemporary cultural criticism; additional information found from research polls and other cultural articles related to thesis.

So exciting!

:: 2009 17 June :: 7.11pm

it won't be long, the spiral is beginning and i am terrified. my hands clasped to your shoulders, your arms around my back and our hair whipping in the wind flying up around us.

are you ready, are you sure, because i will if you will. and danny we are.

spud

:: 2009 11 June :: 4.33pm
:: Music: rain

life
my diploma and transcripts finally came in the mail today.

i only made the dean's list 3 semesters out of 8. but i graduated from both the college of liberal arts and sciences and the honors college in good standing, fulfilled all the requirements for the film and video major, and finished with 121 credits and a 3.364 GPA.

which means, basically, that i spent the last 4 years of my life spending thousands of dollars and hours upon hours on 4 sheets of paper telling me ... what?

that i still have to shovel dirt for a living, and not even manage to scrape by without a lot of financial support from friends and family? funny though, the papers don't say anything about that part. They honestly paint what, to the untrained eye, would be a picture of a successful young man with a bright future and a world of opportunities. when in actuality he is just a loser with no real job, a fair amount of debt, not a lot of excitement, and way too many nights - and days - stuck at home to sit and think. that's a very dangerous place to put a mind like mine. it rarely goes happy places. honestly, the only way my brain seems to be able to keep itself happy is when it has plenty of distractions, and people to entertain. otherwise, it just turns dark.

then again, maybe i just feel dark because it's all rainy and miserable outside. i wish it would just fucking storm. that would be a lot more exciting than this drizzly crap.

8 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 6 June :: 5.08am

on a lighter note, i finally confronted Daniel and laid all of my thoughts. it was very very very very good.

:: 2009 5 June :: 11.54pm

congratulations on your promotion! :)

today, day of days, i had a panic attack. what a sensation. my hands and legs were completely numb and 911 was called. hooray. i am a new and improved hysterical girl.

:: 2009 4 June :: 2.24pm

i don't know why you are hiding or what from, but it is starting to hurt.

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2009 30 May :: 7.10am

this happy anxious worried incandescent searching place in my brain is nice. i forgot that i had it. and i forgot that i could stay up until 7 AM making artwork, losing those hours to nothing and without protest. i'm not sure what i'm saying but i will try to keep saying it.

when i was talking about dan and how he is part of this whole separate world of culture and music and practice practice transcribe gig practice, i felt so small and omni-faceted, and i realized last night, or two nights ago, or tonight, or all three, that i have a little world of my own too, and it is beautiful and lovely and there is nobody who understands it but me, "i live in a box of paints," and it never once crosses my mind that i am shutting anyone out of this world; merely that i live there alone. and that is the way that dan must feel. and that is okay. that is wonderful. we will never be bored with one another, and we will understand the other's need to retreat sometimes.

i have something someone and another something, and lots of friends! i have a massive pile of worries and i'm sleeping less than ever but gosh gosh gosh am i happy.

and you who told me that this would never last is so wrong. i'm sorry you were unhappy then, but i was introducing me to myself because for so long, for two years, i was you.

stop worrying about everything. no matter who you decide to be.

:: 2009 26 May :: 4.42pm

i got caught.

:: 2009 23 May :: 3.50pm

okay with the dreams lately.

i am at some sort of hospital and very pregnant, watching a woman give birth. she is on a large bed with a slope at the end. she has three children and each slide down the slope, are chased by the nurse, and are returned to her. i catch the third child as it slides down the slope and start to peel away the embryonic sac. the baby pushes with its feat and i yell up to the woman who i now know is stephanie artino, "it is so strong, it's pushing my hand so hard!" everyone is so happy. all three infants have their own placenta, but the other two are very small and seem incomplete. I am unsure as to whether they are alive or not.

it is at this point that i notice the size of my own belly. i am resting my hands on it. i realize that it is my turn to sit on that bed and go into labor.

:: 2009 22 May :: 3.46pm

in all seriousness, why is it such an admirable quality to be so withdrawn that human contact is enjoyable at best? yes, i have strength and drive and a willingness to not only live but to LIVE, but why should i rely only on myself?