ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 3 November :: 3.31pm
one day, thank you very much, and i realize that all i can do is my very best
that if these "things" or whatever they are get to be too much for me, that I stop and come here, or go there, or be anywhere, but I don't have to be anywhere that I don't want to be.
and what a simple fact
that is so lovely just to say aloud
or to type
i don't have to be anywhere or do anything
and i can watch the sun rise yellow and orange and beautiful the day after halloween,
i can sleep all day afterward.
and i can love so brightly
breathing inoutinout
softly
as if i were sailing away for a very long time.
i have a new favorite poem, called "The Subverted Flower" by Robert Frost.
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 2 November :: 7.56pm
i hate this as a means of communication
because now there is nothing for me to unburden my nothing into.
it seems that this pitter patter will pull the worst from me
that my heart strings are still attached to my past
and i cannot be anything more than what i was.
it seems that my life is a series of yes, no, yes,
and activities
and wanting. especially wanting.
and i am not articulate enough to express what is in my heart or my brain or from wherever this ache originated,
i do know that i just want to cry and play The Sims 2, and never go to class, and be kissed lovingly, and loved lovingly under a sweet and sewn blanket,
all that i can hear is Joe's frustrated voice, "Get out of your comfort zone!"
in the comedy aisle at 11 PM on a saturday.
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 30 October :: 8.09pm
today a bunch of kids came to the dorms to trick or treat. everyone dressed up, decorated the hall, and turned off all the lights. it was so fun and the kids, most of them anyway, were very cute. the other ones just took the candy and ran. :) hooray for the youth of america!
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 29 October :: 3.43pm
the nights are hardest.
1 Wasted Their Money |
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spud
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2008 29 October :: 1.26am
:: Mood: contemplative
recollections
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i feel like i've lost a lot of my pizzazz. (or maybe you spell it pissass. depending on how many laxatives i took that day.) you know? i feel like i used to have more vitality, more everything. not that i was a driven, self-motivated type of person. not that i was spastic or rambunctious. i just feel like i had an undercurrent of motion that just isn't there anymore.
nowadays i let the simplest things prevent me from getting anything done, and i really don't feel the need to try and innovate, or make new things happen. i'm content to attempt, and fail, to merely recreate those which have come before. nothing outstanding. nothing superb. i just settle for okay.
but that really doesn't seem right. i don't want just an okay life. i don't want just okay friends. okay coworkers. okay family. that's not how it works for me. i feel like everything about my life up to this point has been outrageous. and now it's just mellowing out. i guess it's my job to keep it outrageous. but i have a lot of fucking jobs right now, which i guess is what's bogging me down. so, adding the job of unbogging myself to the pile doesn't really work. it'll just exacerbate the problem.
so, i just need to get a few things out of the way, one at a time, so that i have a bit more freedom to have some of that guilt-free, sporadic, funtime. where my energy is put to its most effectively pragmatic use. because clearly i don't get shit done when it comes to actual work. but give me something fun to do, and i'll forget to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, i'm so diligent.
and faking myself out to think that the "work" stuff is actually "fun" stuff doesn't cut it. believe me, i've tried. although, i have discovered that some of the "fun" stuff is actually "work". but since it falls under "fun" in my classifications, i can still do that, at least.
i guess we'll make it happen eventually. and until then, i'll just have to tough it out. but i want to be fun and exciting again. none of this boring, grumpy, old man nonsense. that suits me at times. but i don't think this should be one of those times.
i'll get there, and i'll enjoy it. but i'm not there yet. and there's no sense in rushing it.
1 Wasted Their Money |
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m&ms487
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2008 21 October :: 10.50pm
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one laughing, the only one aware. I just can't shake the feeling that sometimes I see things in a way that no one else can even comprehend.
Central won against Western. For those of you who don't know, it's a big deal. There are five state troopers parked about two hundred yards away from my apartment to keep things "under control." This is probably the quietest Saturday night of the year as of yet.
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m&ms487
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2008 15 October :: 4.25pm
I am withdrawing from chemistry. It is going to make me a happier person.
I'm taking French and three literary theory classes next semester. Probably.
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.46am
Bzoink Friend Tests I got 1000000%on jessa's Test!
5 Wasted Their Money |
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spud
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2008 15 October :: 3.32am
:: Mood: sleepy
I mean, crap, man.
... that's, like, his stomach plug on the ground, there. That's not even physically possible, if you think about it....
::
so yeah. i really need to clean out my email inbox. it's seriously bad.
i also need to stop failing at doing my homework. i turned in a paper today that was almost a week late, and when i was called on for discussion in another class, i just told her that i couldn't answer the question, because i didn't do the reading. not that half the class did. but the fact that i had to put it out there in words was awkward.
and it's not going to let up. theoretically i'll be starting work soon, which will only cause things to get worse. then again, maybe it will keep me busy to where i'm more productive and more motivated. hopefully that's the case.
either way, something has to change, because i can't keep going on like i am. i have serious issues with getting to bed, getting up, getting my work done, and getting places on time. especially lately. and it's very uncool.
that aside, the front moved through. that's nice. much cooler tonight. makes me happy. i'm excited for fall.
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 15 October :: 1.30am
to my dearest journal,
i have an insulin imbalance. it is why my periods are always late and why my knuckles are brown.
2 Wasted Their Money |
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 14 October :: 2.27am
i am so tired
i hate studying and i hate JU and i hate that i am stuck here without hope of transferring anywhere. college is so permanent. at least a tattoo doesn't define my education or career.
i'm glad we at least had a good conversation before you had to leave.
2 Wasted Their Money |
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m&ms487
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2008 16 October :: 7.58am
Monday.
Math at nine. Chemistry exam at ten that I feel like I'm going to fail, but I can't afford to.
French at one.
Follow up appointment with the doctor at three. Maybe I'll know what's going on then.
SGA at seven, meeting with Brothers at eight, eboard at nine, membership education meeting.
Oh, and I have to buy toilet paper sometime.
AHHHHHGGG!
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 8 October :: 2.45am
Silence
'My father used to say,
"Superior people never make long visits,
have to be shown Longfellow's grave
or the glass flowers at Harvard.
Self-reliant like the cat-
that takes its prey to privacy,
the mouse's limp tail hanging like a shoelace from its mouth-
they sometimes enjoy solitude,
and can be robbed of speech
by speech which has delighted them.
The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence;
not in silence, but restraint."
Nor was he insincere in saying, "Make my house your inn."
Inns are not residences.'
-Marianne Moore
beautiful beautiful beautiful.
4 Wasted Their Money |
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m&ms487
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2008 7 October :: 12.27pm
I got a straight A on my contemporary theory paper about Existentialism.
Yay.
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m&ms487
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2008 6 October :: 3.57pm
I'm finally getting into the swing of things this semester. My French Prof. told me I was doing fine in response to my comments about how I don't feel comfortable speaking in class or volunteering yet on my first participation review. I have things going with the Fraternity and I went to Mu Delta's (the chapter at Western) first degree on Saturday night. I have everything prepared for the chapter field representative visit when she comes the first week of November, and all in all, things are going well.
I have my follow up appointment with the gastrointerologist in a week and I turn twenty one in two months.
I still hate chemistry, but I'm going to stick it out because I have to. I'm doing alright in math, and I still don't have a graded paper back from my English class.
If I could live without the thought of death,
Forgetful of time's waste, the soul's decay,
I would not ask for other joy than breath,
With light and sound of birds and the sun's ray.
I could sit on untroubled day by day
Watching the grass grow, and the wild flowers range
From blue to yellow and from red to grey
In natural sequence as the seasons change.
I could afford to wait, but for the hurt
Of this dull tick of time which chides my ear.
But now I dare not sit with loins ungirt
And staff unlifted, for death stands too near.
I must be up and doing -- ay, each minute.
The grave gives time for rest when we are in it.
-Wilfrid Blunt
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m&ms487
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2008 2 October :: 12.39pm
:: Mood: annoyed
Classes, health, everything is quite overwhelming at the moment.
I had my scope last Friday. I was going to update something about it, but I was still too high from the stuff they gave me and then I took a four hour long nap.
She told me that I don't have an ulcer, and they took some biopsies of my stomach lining/bacteria to test for super acidity. She said that I might need a CAT scan. My follow up appointment is a week from Monday.
Classes. French. Je ne comp pas. J'aime la francais, mais je deteste l'examens. I have a 79% in the class right now. I keep on failing all of the quizzes because we take them after five minutes of review. I think I'm doing better than a lot of people in the class, though.
Chemistry. I would drop it if I could.
Contemporary Literary Thought. I've only written one paper, which was two weeks ago, and I haven't gotten it back yet. There is a TON of theory and philosophy. I feel like I need a philosophy minor to know what's going on. I like my New Criticism, and it's definitely NOT that.
Math. It's just a lot of work.
I can't wait until next semester when I'm taking two English classes and a political science class along with my next installment of French. I think this semester is going to be my rut semester and I'll be happy if I pull all B's.
I think I'm taking History of Literary Criticism this summer and that excites me.
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 1 October :: 11.02am
hello there.
i hope everything is going okay with you.
15 Wasted Their Money |
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m&ms487
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2008 30 September :: 2.01pm
Rueben,
My phone won't let me call anyone. If you need me- I'm in Pearce on the fourth floor in the computer lab, and I'll be checking woohu.
If not, I'll see you at home around three or three thirty.
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 30 September :: 1.51am
the situation has changed and the way backward is shut.
1 Wasted Their Money |
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ratanatheevilkitty
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2008 29 September :: 1.32am
in the driver's seat at 1:30 in the morning and flying down the highway with that sad sad song penetrating my ears and heart i realized that i am finally in the place where i have always wanted to be and am still so very out of place in my world.
perception is everything.
but there i was perceiving nothing and so here i am, behold. there behind the wheel with tears rolling down my cheeks and joe asking "what's wrong," and me not sure how to answer him but to ask him to please light me a cigarette.
and another thing, i hate smoking but i do it anyway because it makes me unapproachable and gives me something less awkward to do with my hands.
and another thing, i hate video games because i love them so much, because they give my brain a place to rest when people like ben goldstein do not think it worthy for them.
2 Wasted Their Money |
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