【 Squallet's Sanctuary 】

:: 2007 15 October :: 7.28pm

Woohu.

IS.

BACK...

I thought I was going to die.

:: 2007 12 October :: 11.38am

It's a slow day on my friends page....I'm a bit disappointed, guys. I don't get to watch soaps because I'm in class.....I need entertainment somehow!!!

Anyway.

I'm heading home in about an hour for Charlie's wedding. It's going to be grand. I just cleaned the apartment and my room, and I just have to wash the rest of the dirty dishes and clean Patrick's bowl.

I don't know. It's just been so busy, and there is stuff in my head, but I haven't had time to think about it....

[edit] I have a craving for sushi. Yes.

:: 2007 10 October :: 6.00am

I have a class soon, and a book I need to read to write a paper that was due yesterday.

Last night, when I was walking back from university band, I stepped on a leaf and it crunched, and I very much enjoyed it.

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 9 October :: 1.08pm

Today is nice and calm and blue and a little cloudy, and not at all evil and sticky and gross like the past few days.

I have a feeling, somewhere in me, that I can't put a finger on, but I know it's there. I hate that, not being able to identify what I feel.

I signed my major today. I am officially an English major going for a Bachelor of Science in Education, Secondary Certification degree...thing. I'm going to sign my minor in a few days, I think. I need to get this stuff done, especially since the new bill came out for Higher Education that has some stuff in it about tuition assistance for to-be teachers. I need that! ME! Right here!!

I feel _____ .

What is that blank? I feel....straight line? I feel, underscore? I feel.....blank? White? Spacey? Wiped out?

No. Not really. Sometimes I hate that I only have seventyish years on this planet, and I've already used up about one third of them. What have I done in my one third of a life time? Prepared for the second third, I guess. Is that a waste? I'm not sure. What if the second third ends up being about preparing for the third third...and what if the third third is preparing for death...then am I just living my whole life to die? Always preparing for a moment that will never come. What am I trying to achieve? What is the goal? Yes, to have a job, a car, a house, a family maybe....but...why? To have a stable life for the future? What future? I'm afraid that I will have lived my life constantly trying to over achieve in a world that doesn't notice me.

I have poured my emotions into this text box so many times...

just an observation.

I don't understand how I function. I don't believe that there is an afterlife in the Christian sense of the word. I don't believe in a heaven or a hell...maybe a little waiting room with Cosmo and National Geographic magazines from 1988.

What keeps me from being totally depressed about living a whole life, and then just dying, like i was never here in the first place? How do i not be upset when I waste days doing things that I hate, because I know that I will never get those days back?

I know what the meaning of life is: ______________ .

I am feeling rushed.

spud

:: 2007 6 October :: 2.30pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: sad kermit

everything happens for a reason, right? at least, some would like to think so - myself being one of them.

that being said, i'm still trying to divine the full significance of gunnie's bonfire, thursday night's conversation with heather, drunksitting tonight (as opposed to being with katie and lindsay), and the fact that i found a frog in my laundry this morning.

this is all adding up to something monumentally mediocre. i can feel it. i just hope it's me.

3 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 5 October :: 12.24am

I have a communication theory exam tomorrow morning that I'm not prepared for. I have a speech to give on monday that I'm not prepared for. I need to start doing some preparation!

Oh man.

So...I got the brother of the month award, which is pretty awesome, but not so awesome because it doesn't mean anything to anybody but me.

whatever.

I need to go study: relational dialectics! proxemics! symbolic interactionism! oh the horror...

:: 2007 3 October :: 1.54pm

"Everything will exist, move, separate in a river of change which in that instant will dissolve it, age, and corrupt everything without a single voice to sound the alarm...The sun is burning itself alive, iron is crumbling into dust, aimless energy is dissipating in space, masses are wearing out in radiation, the earth is cooling into death...And you will wait for a mulatto and an animal, to cross the mountain and begin to live, to fill time, execute the steps and gestures of a macabre game in which life will advance as life dies; a dance of madness in which time will devour time and no one alive can halt, the irreversible course of death...The boy, the earth, the universe: in those three, someday there will be no light, no heat, no life...There will be only total, forgotten oneness, nameless, without a man to give it a name: space and time, matter and energy all fused into one....And all things will have the same name...None"

From The Death of Artemio Cruz
by Carlos Fuentes

:: 2007 2 October :: 10.52am

So, I woke up extra early to read the rest of my novel and write my paper. I read for an hour, all grumpy that I'm up, and I finally decide I'm going to skip my first class so i can go to the library to write my paper. I get to the library, check my email, and the class that I had to write the paper for was canceled.

I had a feeling.

Oh, and I was walking back from class, and there were these two people standing at one of the main intersection side walks with big signs about signing a petition for a ballet initiative for medical marijuana, so i signed it.

This has been a good morning.

8 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

spud

:: 2007 2 October :: 12.26am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: toad the wet sprocket - dulcinea

happy october everyone

so i saw benzer and robbie this weekend. that was crazy. and i got to hang out with kevin a little bit, which was also nice.

turns out i might be headed up to c-town this weekend. is it red flannel? or is that next weekend? i think it's this weekend. which would be freakin' insane. i don't know why i can't quite escape the place. and why i don't quite want to. there's nothing in that town, but i can't quite give it up. and then i remember all the people. or i'm painfully reminded. either way, i find myself there intermittently.

which has interesting ramifications for the post-graduate plan of attack.

anyway, happy october everyone.

:: 2007 1 October :: 2.25pm

They are demolishing the building next door. It's the twin of the apartment building that we live in. They took a crane and started scraping and raking at it, and it came down, foot by foot, in a cloud of dust.

It makes me upset by the destructive nature of our culture. I honestly don't think there was anything wrong with that building, other than it was forty years old. They just want to put up something new that they can charge three times as much for.

Thus, the downfall of our capitalist society, we destroy things that are perfectly fine in search of the almighty dollar.

Except that dollar is quickly losing value.

I don't know what my point is. I get so depressed when I think about money.

That reminds me, the new Meijer contract is out. I should go read it and find out how much more they're screwing me over. Honestly.

:: 2007 1 October :: 11.25am

I hate the girl that sits next to me in communication theory. She always comes in, much more loud than she should, sits down, sprawls out, and reeks of cigarette smoke. That's when she is feeling well enough to show up.

It's a lecture hall and the seats are really small and close together, and she insists on sitting sidesway in the chair, so not only does she take up all of her space, but half of mine as well. I hate that I have to sit there for fifty minutes with her leg touching mine, knowing that she is looking at my notes and always saying the wrong answer when she gets called on.

I would move, but I'm not giving up my first row seat. Never.

It just irks me.

My public speaking class was canceled today, but I still have to stick around campus to meet with my acting partner so we can practice. Boo.

Tonight, fundraising meeting, and I have to put together my new folder that I bought. It's pink. I finally decided that I'm going to make this position my own, and I'm not going to use the previous Chair's folder anymore. It's a step toward empowering myself and building up the fundraising committee in the fraternity. It's a step, no matter if it's just a symbolic one.

It was raining and cold when I woke up this morning, and the government wasn't shut down. I was enthused by the first, disappointed by the second.

Looks like it's going to rain all day.

Michelle

:: 2007 30 September :: 11.01am
:: Mood: complacent

I just wanted you to know that I'm wearing the necklace and earrings you gave me two Christmas's ago for the first time. I thought they looked quite beautiful, and I just wanted you to know.

I love you, and I'll see you tonight.

:: 2007 29 September :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: blah

Rueben has left to go to a party. I'm watching fourty eight hours and cruising the internet, and going to sleep very soon.

Supposedly a woman drugged her husband, shot him, cut him up with a circular saw, stuffed him in a couple suit cases, and threw him in the Chesapeake Bay.

That's what I call tough love.

I laid in bed all morning after I got home from my homecoming responsibilities. It was wonderful to snuggle up in my fuzzy bathrobe while Rueben made me whole wheat pancakes with real maple syrup.

There are drunk people in the hall of my apartment. I'm use to it by now. It's a million times better than the dorm.

:: 2007 27 September :: 1.08pm
:: Mood: amused

The settling has finally come. I'm settled into this semester: my classes, work, schedule, just settled.

It's a big relief. I can handle it all. I am handling it all. I've been very productive in the past few days getting out cook books that the frat is doing for a fundraiser. It's a big fiasco. They were suppose to be here in February; they arrived the end of August. We also have no mailing information for the people that ordered them. So, it's my job, with just a name and the amount they paid, to track them down. I had four left. Now I only have one.

If anyone wants to buy a Chippewa Marching Band cook book, let me know. It's twelve dollars. It has lots of good recipes in it, including drinks.

We still have to sell 180. Oh god.

But I'm going to the Alumni 'tent' on the morning of Homecoming at seven in the morning to set up a table in hopes that some alumni will want to buy them. We need to sell a lot to break even.

Classes are going well. I got my exam back in my public speaking class and, with extra credit, I got a 100, which was a huge relief. I have a high B or low A in just about all my classes. Some classes haven't really had any assignments, so I'm not sure yet.

Work is going better. I know people now. I know who to ask for what, and the rules and everything. I basically know what I'm doing. And, I'm giving away a lot of my hours, or asking for at least one day off a week (which they give me!), so I'm not working the ungodly 32 hours a week that I could.

Oh, and we're coming home for red flannel.

Michelle

:: 2007 22 September :: 11.31pm

I feel like shit because I'm sick. I knew it was coming. I knew it. And I had to work, and of course that meant that I had to close the desk, thus working until eleven.

And I'm not going to lie. I shut down the pc at the desk, and when I left, the SC was trying to get on it to flip the lanes over for tomorrow. And I shut the computer down, so he had to wait for five minutes for it to reboot. I just smiled and him and walked a little faster. Wow. I'm a bitch.

But seriously, I thought he already had it done.

Whatever.

I'm over it. And I'm going to go take a shower. A nice warm, steamy shower. Well, maybe not so steamy because it's like seventy five degrees in here already....

And today was just like yesterday,
You couldn't even tell the difference,
You said all the same things you always say,
And tomorrow will be the same.

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 20 September :: 1.11pm

Frida Kahlo.

Selma Hyack with a unibrow. I wanted to shave it during the whole movie....we watched "Frida" for the past two classes in my English 333, Literature of Latin America class. If you want to see Selma's boobs...oh, and her having sex with another woman...it's the movie for you; but I digress. It really is a good movie, and yes, sex is a fairly good chunk of it. Frida was married to Diego Rivera, the famous Mexican Muralist.

I was entranced with the movie. I need to see it again. I think I need to see it a few times before I'll be satisfied that I've thought about the things in it.

Everyone should see it if they get a chance.

Warning: There is a bit of gore (i.e. when she gets pierced through the vagina with a handrail from a bus during an accident).

Happy viewing.

4 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 15 September :: 10.32pm

When I'm back home I feel weird. I'm a totally different person. I honestly feel like I'm in high school again. A perpetual senior.

I don't know what it is. Maybe just being around the familar, my house, the road where I live.

I'm surprised that, as much as I hated high school, I am as fondly nostalgic as I am about it.

I have to study for my exam for foundations of communication theory. I think this might be a tough one. Communicationt theory is not my thing at all.

I found out last night that I'm getting a Little. That's a prospective member of the fraternity and I'm her "Big" brother that's suppose to help her through the initiation process over the next twelve weeks. I'm very happy, but I don't feel old enough. She and I are the same age.

I guess we'll see how it works out.

I'm doing well in my "big girl" english class. It's literature of non-western cultures, and I'm one of three sophomores in the class (everyone else is a junior or senior). We had to write a five hundred word paper (critical analysis) on a novel. The average score in the class was 37/50, and I got a 47/50...AND she asked me to send her an anonymous version of my paper so she could put it online as an example for the other kids in class....this makes me happy.

Michelle

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

:: 2007 12 September :: 2.12pm

The best feeling in the world is to wake up in the morning and go to Rueben's room, lay next to him, and feel his warm, sleepy arms tightly curl around me.

That's what love is all about.

:: 2007 12 September :: 12.39pm

The big drama in my life right now is tracking down a two thousand dollar scholarship that I was suppose to be getting from the university for academics, but they took off my financial aid for apparently no reason.

I'm just fine without the scholarship, but I would still like the money.

If I could get this scholarship back, then I could quit my job and just focus on school and the frat.

That would be nice.

I've been fairly overwhelmed with work and school and the frat...and I would love to be able to just focus on school and the fraternity...which I love dearly.

We had open rush last night and nineteen people signed up to get more information. That means we might have about twelve people rush this week! Yay!