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This is your life, is it everything you wish it would be?

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jus4fun06

:: 2006 5 October :: 12.55am
:: Mood: fat

i am out of control.

i cant stop eating.


i just eat
and eat
and eat
and eat
more
and more
and more
and more

i have a desire to be filled
to be satisfied

i am
spiraling
out of
control

i need to S.T.O.P

fat.
everywhere.
i dont like it.
i hate it.
me.

i am out of control
look at my room.
it is a mess.
when it is a mess,
then i have
no control.
must clean.
tomorrow.

i will be thin.
i will be pure.
i will be glass.

i am not ok

Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2006 28 September :: 3.26pm
:: Mood: irritated

-she paints her world with words-
we were supposta go on a ship trip. we were going because mandee had a friend who she wanted to visit there. i said i would go to see my friend. i told my friend about the trip and she seemed excited to see me. mandee was going to drive. today, mandee announced that shes not going on the ship trip. she said i could still go, but she wasnt. one minor detail hun, YOU WERE GOING TO DRIVE!!!

this is the SECOND time she let me down. i hope shes not always like this. what bothers me the most is that she made an obligation to do something and she let me down. she did not think about me or what other people may be doing. she did not think that because i dont want to go... danielle can find her own way there. or danielle can disappoint her friend and not go. it makes me look bad!

its like yesterday. mandee was supposta coem with us to the mall to get her ear pierced. we had planned this all week. i wanted to go at 330 but we waited til mandee was done work @530. we waited for her. she then has the nerve to say she doesnt want to go. i waited for her. i planned it out for her. and she backs out. i told her, she did not need to get anythign pierced but to at least go there and hang out with us. she said she didnt want to spend that money for nothing. she let me down. i do not like that feature in people. for some reason it pisses me off. if you say you are going to be there, i expect you to be there. mrrrrr

Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2006 28 September :: 3.09pm

I have a paper to write. I am trying to avoid doing it. I have so much time, but yet so little time. I have the 1500 word paper which is due tomorrow. I have the English paper which is also due tomorrow. I should study from psych. I should also study Cultural Anthropology. I should swim or at least do some sort of physical activity. merg.
I decided against swimming. My parents are going to be mad. This weekend when I go home Ill try and avoid telling them that i decided against it. I could work. I could get a job. I want to get a job. I wish the stupid work study would have came through. fuckers. I am feeling disgusted with myself lately and I believe I will continue to do that for a while. I just need to be alone...

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 28 September :: 12.27am
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: Gnarls Barkley - Necromancer

So
I'm writing an narrative essay for English right now.
It's supposed to convey some sort of message.
And my message is that tragedy can be blessing in disguise.
I'm really proud of how it's turning out.
I think I'll post it here when I'm done.
Which should be relatively shortly, because this essay is due Friday.
<3

1 New hotness | Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2006 27 September :: 1.19pm

i feel like i am spiraling out of control here. i eat and eat and eat and eat and eat... i cant stop. i feel the layers adding and adding and adding. freshman 15? try freshman 50! i will resist. i will not let it be here. i must gain control. i must control. supress surpress. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2006 24 September :: 3.32am
:: Mood: need to express

i am tired, but i cant sleep. so i feel like i have alot to say. alot in my mind that needs to be written down. be printed before it is lost... forgotten.

college here is alot of fun. i like it alot. i like the enviroment. i like the people. i like my friends. i like so much. i dont want to leave. im afraid i will have to when the bill comes. i am spending so much fuckin money here. i am going to be in so mch debt if i dont find some way to pay for this. i hate thinking about money. when ever my rents call, it usually switches to that and it makes me unhappy. i get grumpy and wish to stop talking to them. i know what they have to say. i know what i have to do. no sense in making me angry/sad/aggrivatd to think about it.

i like my friends here alot. im glad i met them. mandee is cool. its weird how i met her. but shes been with me since the first day. and im glad i have her. she can be so crazy sometimes. although... she likes to be crazier than me and force me to stay up later... try and make me spend money.. make me always be doing something. sometimes i dont want to do anything, but ill get to that later.

Theres zach. he was in my ol group. i talked to him the second day and hes been with me since. i like him alot. like really alot. like really really. he makes me afraid though. im so afraid im messing it up and im not all i was to begin with. he calls me such an honest person, but i feel like i let him down. he describes me as "someone whos not afraid to be herself" but i am. i am myself, but at times i stop and i look back and i wish i didnt act the way i did. i hope i am and can continue to be all that he sees me to be. he so... perfect... in my eyes. like hes cute, adorable, funny, smart, deep, emotional but not too emotional, crazy, relaxed... hes pretty much how i would describe my ideal guy. and what scares me is to lose it all. the notion of not being with zach scares me. im so afraid that this amazing... thing will end. thats one word that i can sum up all of this relationship though... AMAZING. i really dont want this to end.

and the thing is... i have barely known these people a month, but it feels like so much longer. we have spent so many hours together and i think that accounts for it. its weird to think about it. although, i wouldnt of rather spent these past few weeks with anyone else.

even though i like this change and i have so many supportive friends here, i have one drawback. since ive been here, i have suffured many anxiety attacks. i hate them. they come and i feel like im going to die and i really dont want to. im so afraid that i am. that i am slowly dying on the inside but i choose to ignore all the signs and symptoms. the panic attacks come in class, at lunch, during movies, when im trying to fall asleep, in the olive garden... they are extreamly inconvenient. i wonder if theres anyway to make them go away. i dont tell anyone about them though. only heather cause i know she would understand due to the fact that she suffers from them as well. they make me so nervous and scared. i want them to just go away!!!

also another thing. my friends here want to always hang out, always do something, always move... and sometimes i just dont want to do that. i just want to lay there and stare at nothing and think... i just want to go to bed before 12... i dont want to spend unnecessary money... i want to study for a test... i dont want to eat and eat and eat... i justwant to be alone... whenever i want to withdraw they think there is something wrong with me. theres not. i just dont want to be with people. i dont wanna be social. i dont wanna have to care about their wants and needs. i dont want to listen to them talk and talk and indisisively discuss what to do next and just repeat, im bored. lets do something... over and over again. i want to stop putting on the happy face. i want to stop being social. i just want to withdraw in myself.. away from everyone else. is this weird???

and another thing. they sit here and they bash this girl ashley. over and over again. i can understand that she is annoying and that she does say things she shouldnt and acts ways she shouldnt and interpert things wrong... but thats who she is. when they put her down and stuff.. i say something. cause thats who she is.. she doesnt unerstand... she doesnt see things the way we see things... she doesnt read people the way we do... and she takes things that we normally wouldnt seriously. i guess she reminds me of me in many ways and thats why i stick up for her. i know her motives... i can understand why... i know she is lonely and blind of things we see so clearly... i look at things from her perspective and i understand. it frustrates me that the others wont do the same. i want to tell zach all this cause i know he would understand. or atleast listen. i really dont know what to do about it. it feels so wrong to sit there and talk about her like that. makes me feel so uncomfortable.

today we went to the mall. it was ok, but they kept leaving me. like i would be looking at something and when i turn around they would be gone. and not just gone in the sense that theyre in the next row... but gone as in they are waiting outside the store or moved on to the other side of the store. i would ask them to wait or to see something with me and they would ignore it. i felt like they were oblivious to me. and i guess that is a very selfish thing to say but i dont think i was intirely selfish. there is a difference to dealing with a selfish person and completely ignoring the fact that this individual is a complete person. and that frustrated me and made me sad. and since they sit there and talk about ashley so easily... i cant help but wonder... do they sit there and talk about me as well? meh.

some days... i can feel so sad. like i dont want to be around people and that i want to be alone. i cant help but think things like i am selfish and i hold everyone back and that i need to retreat from everyone. zach always senses something wrong in me.. biut i just smile and say noting is wrong, but almost everything is wrong. and this is a first. me not willing to share whats going on in my mind. i want to, but im so hesitant. i kinda discribed it to him as... i didnt want to invest so much to have it all be lost. and i wanna believe that.. but i dont think that statement really sums it up. i am cautious.. yes. hesitant. yes. maybe its because they all leave me so quick. i can tell you... i have never liked someone like this. it is different. i dont know how. it is so strong. and i know that to keep this relationship strong... i need to smile and look confident and happy... not down-trodded and sad. that zach will be so much more attracted to me if i am happier and laughing and smiling. so i guess even though im ready to break.. i should smile. keep it all inside.

with zach... i feel so much. he tells me about maria and i cry. and when i cry, i wipe my tears on his face to tell him that i can feel his pain. he says he is broken and that hes not sure if i want to fix him cause theres alot to fix. but i want to fix him. the thing is... i always fall for the broken-hearted boys. thats not a good thing. cause then they rush into a rebound relationship. i really hope that is not the case with us. i hope so much. i also feel like we are rushing so much. i try to stop, but i cant. i really believe we should. that it would do more harm than good, but i cant. i know that it makes him happy and thats what i want to do. make him happy. and once we start.. i dont want to stop. but i need to be strong. i need to say no. i pray god will give me the strength. things can only end disasterous if we dont. and i dont want to ruin such a good thing. please..

that and so much more is going on in my mind, but thats all that wants to come out today. i know i can share it here because it can be read, but not by the world. if the world read it.. then i would be poked and proded and asked.. awwe danielle... are you ok??? i read your entry and all that... i dont like that. *grumble. but yes.so i can at least get it off my chest... tomorrow.... i hope to sleep late... finish paper then go to kash's house. then... sometime... zach will come back. i can not wait!!! cause i miss him alot. and i hope i can make a week with out crossing the line... please... help me. cause i dont want to. please. out.

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 20 September :: 12.09am
:: Mood: Bleh
:: Music: Tech N9NE

Well...
I'm bored.
I have homework I need to do.
But I'm not doing it
I really should...

But who really wants to write a DBQ with a prompt on "To what extent the colonists developed a sense of their identity and unity as Americans by the eve of the Revolution? Use the documents and your knowledge of the period 1750 to 1776 to answer the question."

Bleh.

This is the only thing I don't like about this class.
I love learning, but I hate writing the fucking DBQs.

The College Board sure love their "To what extent..." questions.
I hate them
With a passion

I'm tired
And I'm ranting

And it was "Asja's a Bitch Day" today

It all started in the kitchen when I was making my spicy spuds and and she was unloading the dishwasher.
I had just asked my mom a question, and turned around and Asja was reading all the recipes on the page.
Well. I was cooking, and I neede it right then.
So I asked her for it.
And did she give it to me?
Noooo
"Wait, I'm reading it. You'll just have to wait"
#$%@$@@!!!
I was cooking
She was supposed to be unloading the dishwasher
So when she continued refusing to give me the recipe, I got mom to tell her to give it back to me, and she got all pissed off and threw at me and would shove me when she walked by to put something away.
Well, it continued and we started yelling at each other.
Then she started threatening me while brandishing a spatula.
Well, if she were stupid enough to hit me with a fucking spatula, I'd punch her the face, no joke.
And she knows this
So I started laughing at her and her idle threats
Then she got even more pissed off.
Stormed off, yelling things at me, I continued laughing.
Then she got really pissed, came back downstairs and pulled a knife out on me, which really just sent me over the edge.
I could not stop laughing.
Did she think I was convinced even for a second she was going to stab me?
I mean honestly
It was too funny
Well, she stormed off, and yelled at my mom "You don't even care!"
Which made me laugh even more, because Asja was all insulted I was laughing at her for threatening to inflict pain on me.
And she felt that I was in the wrong.
Well, a couple of hours later she apologized for "Being mean to me"
And I replied "Apology accepted" and started walking away
"Wait!"
"What?"
"Aren't you going to apologize for laughing at me?"
"Now why would I go and do something silly like that?"
"Forget it"

Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't feel I'm obligated to apologize for laughing at someone who has a knife pointed at me.

Yeah... That was point.
The beginning was just a petty fight, but you needed the background information.
I think you did anyway.

I.
Am.
SOOO
Tired.
I've only gotten a couple of hours of sleep these past few days.

:/

Well.
The DBQ awaits.

<3

3 New hotness | Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 9 September :: 6.37pm
:: Mood: Tired with a stomach ache
:: Music: She Is The Dark

I can't wait
forever..

<3


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 8 September :: 4.34pm
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: ~munch munch munch...~

Yummy yummy Cocoa Puffs!
HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
EMILY ANN FUCKING GALAGA
FUCKING
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I LOVE YOU BITCH
YOU'RE MY NUMBER 1 HO

But anyway.
I love you.
And I hope today didn't suck.

MWAH

<3

2 New hotness | Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 1 September :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Led Zepplin - Stairway To Heaven

deathbyjisatsu: Don't you dare shoot yourself in the head.
deathbyjisatsu: It would kill me
LotusLE98: What the hell are you talking about?
deathbyjisatsu (8:11:39 PM): I had a dream


Auto Response from LotusLE98 (8:11:40 PM): I am away from my computer right now.


deathbyjisatsu (8:11:43 PM): A nightmare actually
deathbyjisatsu (8:11:50 PM): I was talking to you on the phone.
deathbyjisatsu (8:12:13 PM): And I guess you told me you had a gun in your hand
deathbyjisatsu (8:12:25 PM): And you said to me "I can't take this crap anymore. It ends now."
deathbyjisatsu (8:12:31 PM): And you shot yourself
deathbyjisatsu (8:12:46 PM): And I went into shock
deathbyjisatsu (8:12:56 PM): I got really heavy into alcohol and drugs
deathbyjisatsu (8:13:20 PM): And your death started a huge protest among teens
deathbyjisatsu (8:13:30 PM): We wanted some sort of change
deathbyjisatsu (8:14:54 PM): And I came upon these kids in the Mall parking lot with picket fencse saying things like "Don't let this happen again." with a picture of you dead on it
deathbyjisatsu (8:14:58 PM): And things like that
deathbyjisatsu (8:15:36 PM): And I told them all to come back to place because I was having a massive party filled alcohol and galaxy of drugs
deathbyjisatsu (8:15:45 PM): And then I started going crazy from missing you
deathbyjisatsu (8:15:49 PM): And yeah....

<3

1 New hotness | Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 26 August :: 2.15pm
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

Poo.
Poo pish posh.
Pish posh poo.
Poo posh pish posh.
Pish posh pish posh.
Poo.

Hi

School's going well.
And I'm doing fairly well in AP US
I'm aiming for an A
So far I have an 86.25
So I have to do SUPER well on my test Monday
And my other classes are going fairly well too.

So yeah.

There you go.

Pink Floyd - Time

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away, across the field, tolling on the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
And hear the softly spoken magic spell

<3

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 18 August :: 4.38pm
:: Mood: Tired
:: Music: Diego

Buddhist Wisdom
In the eating hall, a stuffed parrot hung from the ceiling, and from its golden beak dangled a card that read, "We are in training to be nobody special." I had often repeated this to myself, working against my need for achievement and recognition, and the discontent that could engender. "I am in training to be nobody special." Saying the words in my mind, I felt how they redirected me from a certain seductive struggle and excitement and disease, into a more stable focus: forget what others think of you, forget the future goal of achievement; arrive instead in this body/mind, attending to this present moment. This is is the whole of practice.

-Sandy Boucher, "Hidden Spring"

<3

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 11 August :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: Happy
:: Music: Assemblage 23 - Let Me Be Your Armor

Sometimes wishes do come true.
I love you Diego

<3

1 New hotness | Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2006 6 August :: 4.29pm
:: Mood: Sleepy and Confused
:: Music: Tool - H

Daily Buddhist Wisdom
Sakka asked the Buddha: "Do different religious teachers head for the same goal or practice the same disciplines or aspire to the same thing?"

"No, Sakka, they do not. And why? This world is made up of myriad different states of being, and people adhere to one or another of these states and become tenaciously possessive of them, saying, 'This alone is true, everything else is false.' It is like a territory that they believe is theirs. So all religious teachers do not teach the same goal or the same discipline, nor do they aspire to the same thing.

"But if you find truth in any religion or philosophy, then accept that truth without prejudice."

-Digha Nikaya

That's what I'm talking about.

<3

Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2006 4 August :: 2.50pm

i just wanna cry. this is all so frustrating. im confused and im lost and i dont know what to do. i just dont understand and no one is helping me and i dont know why. they keep saying im making the wrong decisions... im doing the wrong thing. im all wrong wrong wrong!!! well what the fuck is right>.. sdj kjdsf;'lsdjhfs ajh. i really dont know how to do this. FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!

Old and busted

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