so much has happened in the last year its hard to believe its almost over, first i lose my first pregnancy, then 2 months later we get preggo again and its so far is working out perfect, then dad gets diagnosed with cancer in august and 3 months later im sitting at his funeral. god what a freaking year i am so glad its over and we can continue to move on. we have two more months until my little baby boy is here and i just keep looking to that right now cause its all i got
had this weird dream, i was hanging out in this housing development with kelli and jordan, and then i remember jordan's mom called, so i got into an old ford bronco and went to pick her up or something and then this henry guy called and he called all night, telling me things about myself freaking me out, then he said he'd be there in 20 minutes. i really didn't want to stick around to see who this guy was because i thought he was going to kill me, then while i was driving my truck got sucked backwards and kind of spun twards a tree and my door flew open and i flew out and face first right twards a tree. i remember the tree vividly.
the next thing i remember is seeing a bunch of white letters on a black background in a weird font. i was speaking gibberish and then i woke up.
about an hour later jordan woke me up saying i was talking gibberish while sleeping.
So, I guess I'm getting a C+ or B- in my linguistics class depending on how she decides to "reward" an increase in an exam grade I got in the middle of the semester.
This is not good. It technically counts toward my English Major GPA, but Linguistics is not really English and this teacher was HUGE on phonology.
Well, I guess I'm never going to be a linguist. Not like that shattered any dreams of mine or anything.
The only thing I hate is that I didn't see this coming. I thought all the exams were easy but I got low B's a now a C- on this last one. We were only graded on four exams for this whole semester. I was going to go and talk to the prof, but I was sure that I would do really well. Guess not.
It just frustrates me that I know my way around literary theory and I can synthesize a theory in a matter of hours and have an A essay written in the next few after that, but I can't seem to reconstruct proto-languages or explain the grammatical rules of Ebonic thoroughly (these things may sound hard, but trust me, they're pretty easy).
::
2009 10 December :: 5.18pm
:: Music: Autolux- Turnstile Blues
I want to blow things up.
I am stuck in a fit of rage.
I want my husband to be home.
I want my parents to fuck off and die
I want to not have a presentation for Finals tomorrow
and
I want to find peace, so i won't feel the need to yell at people.
1994 pontiac grand am
1989 ford probe
1992 ford probe
1978 pontiac grand prix
1980 oldsmobile cutlass
1992 toyota p/u 4x4
1993 dodge dakota 4x2
1984 pontiac 6000
1991 jeep cherokee 4x4
1984 ford mustang coupe
1992 ford tempo GLS
1989 merkur xr4ti
::
2009 10 December :: 1.12am
:: Music: Ida Maria- Nothing Sweet about Me
Ft. McCoy today... well yesterday.
I hate leaving him up there, i wanted to stuff him in the trunk and run away. I know i was the one to push for him to stay, and be paid for having his knee stuff done, but now i am fearful that I won't have him for christmas, and it will just be another empty holiday, on my own.
I miss him, i love him, and i feel empty without him.
I just want him home now. In my bed... *sigh* Hopefully in time for christmas... hopefully he will get surgery before then if he needs it and he will be home. hopefully i get through finals without doing anything stupid, or reckless, or whatever. I just need some comfort... and possibly some eternal sunshine.
christmas is coming; yay?
college needs to be paid for today, need to go setup a checking account.
the jeep is rusting.
hate using woohu to just complain about my life; there is much to complain about
there is so much good to; lots of good
scool starts in january
jeep still runs
i have work; although its not the best
-----------------------------------------------
miss my friends
don't see lizzy or rache enough
wish i had more weekends off to hang out with them.
havn't hung out with anyone but box and justin in awhile :(
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
still hungry; for food, for adventure, to live on my own.
I wanted snow, and now it is in the way of going to visit mike. the irony these days just gets stronger and stronger.
Day trip to Navy pier after i get out of math... well, actually leave math early to catch the train ect, ect. but i will be doing a wonderful photo project on the smith collection of stained glass, and see how well we can rush about chicago, so then i won't have to worry about getting back to kenosha at like midnight. sigh....
somedays it's just fuck it all, and i want to run run run.
and i should re-do my layout on here... the damn snow patrol bit is just so old now.
a whole lotta messed up
so, i saw my man today... drove across the state when i should have been doing an essay that is due in 3 hours. It was good, at first. Then less so, and now worse. I am married and i still feel like a rag doll, that just makes me feel all sorts of fucked up. I try to be happy, and yet i still feel down... I wish i could explain it all to mike, but at this point i am not convinced it will ever matter.
just throw on a mental bandage once again, and hope that i forget... although that hasn't been working so well as of late... seeing as past bandaids are falling off and i can't help but be overwhelmed by the past. ugh.
Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An' I seldom feel, the bright relief
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Fallin' down to you sweet ground
Where the flowers they bloom
It's there I'll be found
Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Though these wounds have seen no wars
Except for the scars I have ignored
And this endless crutch, well it's never enough
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Hell says hello, well it's time to I should go
To pastures green, that I've yet to see
Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
It is always nice to have one place that is pretty well private. I feel awful that I try to hangout with my friends and just leave because i feel like a wallflower. It makes me want to relive novels, and suck into my own world. But, I have 2 weeks until school finishes up for the semester. Mike will be coming home, and its about time because i need some sweet lovin. Time waits for no one and i have to keep pushing through the next few weeks until the break comes. Not that i want to go back to CS for anything, but at least it will be plenty of time with Mike. *sigh*
Ready to sleep, and have dreams of a day approaching quickly. I need to expand my music library, and my book collection. I have years and years, but I would like so much to know it all now. Oh well, back to reality.
EDIT: Correction. I suffer from insomnia. Included in my package deal is anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies. This results in rumination. The end result of which is a mild and random psychosis.
Agoraphobia
Social anxiety disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
It's almost the end of the semester. It's so close!
I have a campaign project due Monday night at 6:30pm. I'm almost done, all I have to do is finalize my calendar and proof read. It ended up taking about 16 hours and 13 single spaced pages with an additional attached brochure, 11 month calendar, and publisher 5 sheet web page.
Next, I have a six page paper for Shakespeare that I will start writing tomorrow and it is due on Tuesday afternoon. After that, I'm free until exam week. It's going to be marvelous.
Wednesday is going to be baked-goods day.
Thursday through Sunday is work, including a 5am shift on Black Friday. Bleh.
Fun Fact of the Day: On Columbus's second voyage to the Americas he brought eight pigs. Eight years later there were over 30,000 wild pigs on Cuba alone.
The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).
Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.
My 101:
De-Cluttering/Organizing/Practical 1. Replace pictures in frames around the house
2. Get wedding dress cleaned and boxed 3. Organize the den 4. Get rid of old clothes that I haven’t worn in 1+ year 5. Back up files on the computer(s)
6. Give away three items on Freecycle 7. Take one full carload of stuff to Goodwill
8. Shred old documents and set up a better filing system
9. Have a garage sale
Relationships
10. Get a new address book- update, add anyone I am missing, add birthdays
11. Send out greeting cards to at least 8 people/families each for 4 holidays other than xmas 12. Actually throw our belated housewarming party
13. Send someone a surprise "care package" for no reason 14. Email or call Grams at least 1x per month 15. Make two new friends 16. Celebrate a random anniversary with Paul
17. Have a baby (I have, like, three years, right?)
Giving & Community 18. Volunteer for a charitable organization
19. Make a loan on Kiva.org 20. Donate to a cause
21. Give a 50% tip for service well done.
22. Pay for someone’s meal in the drive-thru behind me.
Going Without
23. Go one month without buying anything Made in China
24. Go one month without eating any fast food
25. Go one week at work without using the Internet for anything non-work related 26. Go one week eating only at home (including no take-out/pick-up), or with food brought from home
27. Go one week without spending any money. 28. Go one weekend (from Friday after work through bedtime Sunday night) without using the computer
29. Go one weekend (from Friday after work through bedtime Sunday night) without watching any TV
Health & Nutrition
30. Weigh the same or less than I did when I got married 31. Shop for fruits & vegetables at farmers market 32. Go for a walk (20 minutes or more) every day for one week
33. Go one month without drinking soda 34. Work out at least 2x per week 35. Go to bed by 10 PM every night for one week
36. Take vitamin every day 37. Try a new fitness class 38. Buy a Weight Watchers cookbook and start cooking better 39. Join a gym
House & Home 40. Make ten new dinner recipes 41. Purchase something from a local crafter/artisan that I would otherwise buy from a mainstream retailer
42. Have the hardwood floors refinished
43. Plant trees and vines in the back of the yard
44. Paint the main level of the house (or get it painted)
45. Put crown molding in the bedrooms
46. Build a headboard for the bed 47. Plant a vegetable garden
48. Buy a new vacuum
49. Buy a new washer and dryer
50. Redecorate the kitchen
51. Complete the landscaping in the backyard
52. Paint the windmill in the backyard
53. Complete an insurance inventory for the house
54. Put a new floor in the kitchen and entryway
Finances
55. Increase savings by $4,000.00
56. Sell something on Ebay
57. Buy some more stock 58. Increase income by $20,000.00
59. Eliminate all consumer debt
60. Increase 401(k) contributions to 15%
61. Create a will
62. Create and stick to a monthly budget
63. Put $5 into said savings for every item I crossed off and then do something fun with it at the end of 1001 days.
64. For every item on the list not completed at the end of the 1001, donate $5 to charity.
Personal/Professional Growth
65. Finish my CEBS credentials 66. Finish PHR designation
67. Start work on my MBA 68. Get promoted
69. Start building a real professional wardrobe
70. Start pursuing my resume writing/critiquing business
The Arts 71. Go to a show at Miller Auditorium 72. Go to 2 concerts per year
73. Go to a touring production of a Broadway musical
74. See a concert in another state
Travel 75. Visit two states I haven't been to before (actually spend time- not just drive through)
76. Travel to a country outside of North America 77. Visit Traverse City
78. Visit Mackinaw Island
79. Go on a road trip 80. Go to Vegas
81. Take a cruise
82. Visit Mom/Dad at least 2x per year
Hobbies/Leisure/Random
83. Go camping 84. Buy a new (used) car
85. Go to a drive-in movie
86. Buy a drink for a stranger 87. Go to a Red Wings game
88. Take a dance class
89. Go to an ethnic cultural festival 90. Buy a case of wine
91. Take a cooking class
92. Take another personal interest/leisure activity class
93. Learn how to mix a signature drink
94. Try ten restaurants that I haven't been to before
95. Go rock indoor climbing
96. Publish a secret I have on www.postsecret.com
97. Register a dollar on wheresgeorge.com
98. Color an entire coloring book
99. Learn origami
100. Go roller skating again
101. Get someone else to do 101 things in 1001 days
The past few months of my life have been crazy, chaotic and life changing.
After being involved in a horrible domestic situation I spent a month and a half being homeless. I have lost almost everything I own. But I am better than I have ever been in my entire life.
Sometimes when things start to go so very wrong in your life you feel as though things can¡¦t get any worse. They can. But, I learned so much from losing everything.
I moved into a domestic violence shelter on the reservation in Mt. Pleasant. I have been here for just about a month now, and things could not be going better for me ļ
I recently got a job, and I move into a one bedroom apartment next week.
I¡¦ve been getting into many native American cultural activities. Getting in touch with the earth and my heritage.
I¡¦ve decided to take a few more years off of school. I¡¦m still trying to decide if college is really what¡¦s best for me. I still will be taking a few classes though. Just so I remain smi-educated. Lol.
Next week I start an apprenticeship. I will be learning the art of native American stone sculpture. I am extremely excited to be doing this. Who knows, maybe I¡¦ll make magnificent sculptures and make a living being an artist. Pipedream? Maybe. But it would be cool in any case. To beat the system and make a living doing what I love. :P
So, overall, life isn¡¦t perfect, but I¡¦m doing the best I can.