i think peopLe are starting to believe i'm some kind of game or something: a joke maybe? i am a real person [belive it or not]. i do have feelings. i do get hurt. at school maybe i seem more happy than i am. because i want people to portray me as a nice, funny, good friend.
Mr. Conley's "I message"~ When you toy with me, i feel alone and hurt and ugly and stupid because i cared about you [belive it or not] and you shot me down.
rather i cared about you as a friend or not, it makes no difference. im not going to kill myself so chill. life is so screwed up and when you tell people that they just nod in agreement. but you dont think they understand even if they probably do. some people's life is so perfect [no names] and she has never felt unloved, or that she wanted to kill herself. i think its ironic because it does seem i have it better than her and i do not [obviously]. life can just seem to DUMP EVERYTHING on you sometimes and im just waiting for the straw that breaks the camels back. even the littlest thing upset me lately and i get very hurt. every word that is negative in any way about me i hate it it kills me to hear it. i don't know why im so down lately. i guess i just feel like god [if there is a god] cant hear me or doesnt care. if there wa a god, why did he let chelsea kill herself?! WAS HE TOO BUSY HELPING SOMEONE WIN THE LOTTERY!?!?!?!? uuuuuuuuudhhhh! why does he let children die of malnutrition everyday starving? its hard because i did believe in god and i want to so bad. but sometimes i don't think his head is screwed on just right. because anything i believe in goes away! why would god do that if god is so great why doesnt he help us?!?! i hurt so bad and to think theres some who hurt worse! and then some who don't hurt at all and still complain taking EVERYTHING for granted! the hole bible must be lies! the hole damn thing and now i have NOTHING to belive in. everyone needs faith to pull them trough and mine is GONE! im lugging along on empty ladies n gents and im still going no matter how it hurts. because somehow i keep thinking things will look up. we'll move back to wisconsin and our hole family will reunite and... and thats it life is perfect again. and i get out of this state of denial. to me faith is such a pretty, flowing, calming, hopeful word. but i can't use it. i can only hear it in my favoprite song and man he sings it so good! my heart is beating really fast right now because i have never told anyone how i feel about this. is there heaven and hell? i don't think anyone really knows anything i just think somehow all of the facts in the hole world about any subject at all were made up and weaved into this web of lies and "well i think this is right it sounds right to me" i wanna know the truth sso i have something to lean on, something to wish and hope on. i cant pray anymore it feels wrong! i cant say "thanks god you really helped me through this one" even though i TRULEY want to so bad because im not sure who im talking to. am i talking to this man who cant help anyone really in need. or am i just talking to myself. having faith in something thats not there. i have so much more to say but im about to cry and i cant write anymore my back hurts from sulking in this chair and i need sleep. sorry guys ttyl
lorlor ~i do love johnny depp~
laugh all you want i know you think its funny dont you?

3 FuCk | YoU