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silvos
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2008 3 April :: 2.07am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Crime - Troy Bonnes
Looking at old guild stuff
makes me surprisingly sad.
I didn't really realize how much I really invested in that stuff.
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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silvos
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2008 25 March :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: playful
:: Music: Naked - Tracy Bonham
oh shit, public entry!
Real update coming soon..
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 8 August :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: drained
i really suck at writing in this thing...
it's been awhile, and a lot has happened, but it doesn't matter
i got a new job...well, kind of...i work in the floral department now, and i make more money, so im really happy with it
i bought a new car, thats right, no more shit comments about my neon...i really do love that car, and i hope whoever has it next appreciates the fact that it never broke down on me...as for my new car...heck yes
had the most amazing girls night ever a few nights ago....kaylene, kayln and i stayed up until 730 just talking...about everything! it was insane, i couldn't believe that we kept finding new things to talk about...and it was nice to share a few things that ive been trying to keep under wraps...i got to say a lot of things that i thought, especially about people in my past and whatnot...i came to a lot of realizations though...i dont regret anything, and im glad it all happened, i wouldn't change it for the world...i hope you know that
i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind this morning...such a good movie, i highly recommend it
i go in tomorrow to try on my bridesmaids dress...kind of scary..
school starts soon, im preparing myself for my first good-bye: Doug. He is going to be so incredibly hard to say good-bye to...its gonna suck a lot. Who am i going to play dorky video games with? Honestly...doug just understands sometimes. sad.
I think after doug is sara...thats gonna suck too...damnit, then maybe james...then the motherload leaves...megan, brian, ian, and nelson all at basically the same time...fuck.
I'm not ready to say goodbye...im not ready to not have anyone on a saturday night...sure theres still kaylene, and kayln, and daniel....but its not the same, and i should have been preparing myself for it, and i havent...i like my little bubble, i hate to see that its breaking
speaking of breaking bubbles...heres something that has been bugging me lately...i have never realized how much everyone hates everyone...honestly, i dont know how this group has stayed together so long...i mean, think about it...there are a lot of people that i hang out with on a regular basis that i really dont like half the time, and i know thats the case for a lot of other people too...but i mean, if we dont like each other, then why are we still "friends"?
i need to go read
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 19 July :: 10.50am
:: Mood: derr
haha i forgot something, i had the best night two nights ago...i went over to dougs, and we played some video games, then i saw the coolest acapella thing ever online, it made me happy, then james came over, we played more video games, with me getting tackled like every 5 seconds, then we went to waffle house at like 1230...it was hilarious, coleman joined us when we got there, nice guy...grits are gross though...so much fun!!
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 19 July :: 10.37am
:: Mood: sleepy!
:: Music: best of queen
so, NY was an amazing time, the perfect break i needed from everything, i left ohio telling myself i would think everything through and come up with a super amazing solution...instead, i blocked the entire situation from my brain and had an amazing weekend, and when i got back, the situation didnt seem nearly as relevant as it did before...well, whatever works haha
i felt so incredibly spoiled when i got home...i got to spend the 4th of july in NY...like i have for the past 8 years or so..save last year...but by being in NY i normally miss it here, but not this year...i got NY and OH, it was lovely, and i felt so incredibly happy that night
life has been pretty routine lately, i wake up, lay aroun, go to work, go to the gym, go out...end of story...i cant wait until fall though, maybe it'll liven things up a bit
last sunday, we partied at daniels...i remembered most of the night...but i wish i would forget haha, im not very cute at a time like that...ugh, we'll wait awhile before i drink that much again...2 shots and 7 beers...wow
i got my hair cut...i have bangy things now...getting used to it, but everyone seems to like it, so whatever works i guess, its just hair
living in bowling green until wednesday...its been great, i like this living on my own thing..i could so do this
kayln and sara came over and we watched a sex in the city DVD...it was awesome...such a good night...ive been oddly happy lately, like nothing can touch me right now
brian ryan hess and i went bowling some time last week..so much fun!! im actually not as bad of a bowler as i used to be...kayln joined us for the last game, and sara came to watch :)
the other day i spent all with megan, i was her 4H motivator, i kept her sane...i love megan lots, im really going to miss her next year...i just like it how in the first5 minutes of our gathering, i can tell her whats bothering me, and she can do the same, and then its done with...we come to an understanding and its good, then we go on with our lives...expect lots of cinci visits next year..i'll start saving gas money now haha
i think thats about it..
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 1 July :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: busy
ok, i have 2.5 hours...and a list of things that need to get done, ive already loaded up my mp3 player...i made a list of what i want to pack, i just need to take a shower, and write in this thing...so, we're getting there, im almost ready
so, i think ive got it figured out, theres honestly been a stick up my butt the last few days, and ive got two ideas of what the problem is, one is a person, but the weekend away should fix that, and the other is just something thats been running through my head...for the past few years it's worked, i liked it, but lately, its changing and i think im having problems coping witht the fact that it doesnt work anymore, so thats what i have to come to terms with this weekend, and im hoping i'll get there, becuase everytime ive come home lately, im just bummed out because its becoming more and more blantant that things just arent what they used to be...and i think the change is for the worst
anyway, now that that is over with, i am so excited about leaving today, i have second thoughts this morning, but i realized that theres nothing to keep me here, at least last year, when i thought about not going, i had someone here that really wanted me to stay, not so much right now, this 3 day absence of mine wont be hurting anybody.
it makes me laugh, when people go to other countries, they try to fake accents...why? just be content with being american...geez haha
its supposed to be gorgeous this weekend....sunny and 75...yes
i should pack.
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 28 June :: 12.19am
:: Mood: contemplative
i dont know anymore, ive been sitting here for the past 10 minutes, just staring at my computer screen, i havent really done anything worth while, ive just been thinking
why? honestly, can someone answer that question for me? why him? why now? why always? i mean, whats so special about him? sara told me it was because it's right...it feels right, its what's expected, its almost too perfect. but its not, its not perfect, it hasnt been perfect for over a year now. it used to be...everyone used to comment on it...'you two are perfect together'...'just give it time...fate will bring you together...how could it not?'...i used to believe it all, really i did. then tonight, while i was on the phone with brian, it hit me...its not gonna happen, not now, now would be the worst time, i cant keep wishing for it, because all im doing is getting my hopes up for nothing, and i will not have my heart broken again by someone who decides to not return the feelings i have. i just want to go back to the friendship we used to have...remember that? it used to be easy, what made it so difficult? was it just me? becuase right now, im the only person i can point a finger at...why does that always happen, why can i never place blame on someone else, i always figure out a way to blame myself...maybe it is you...kaylene told me you're just blind. you cant see whats good, and whats right in front of you...i dont know anymore, i just pray that God will straighten me out someday soon, and i'll realize that you dont feel the same way, never have, and let me slowly let go of the hope i have...
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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Silvos
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2005 27 June :: 5.45pm
1. I'm in the process of deleting all old entries because I can no longer read the comments.
2. This journal will be [Private]. So only the people who know the password will be able to read. (Andy too, I'm guessing...)
3. I'll change the "layout" when I feel I can stand looking at code again.
Edit:
4. There are some old entries I will keep because they're just too damned good.
3 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 25 June :: 10.54am
:: Music: anna nallick
im actually in a really good mood right now, i was supposed to wake up early this morning a watch ian and hess golf, but it was a late night, and i wasnt waking up at 7, sorry guys
last night was a lot of fun though, ian hess sara and nelson came out and we basically did nothing, but it was fun, i pulled out my old golf clubs, ian had his with him, and we basically hit all the balls i had, and anything else we could find, then we tried to his a soccer ball with a bat...idk, it was a lot of fun, it was just carefree, then the boys left, and sara stayed to chat with me for a little while...good times
i came to a conclusion yesterday, i want to take a lot of pictures this summer, not of scenery...of people, i have a lot of pictures of friends, but they arent that great, mainly they're ian pictures of nothingness haha so as soon as i can get my hands on my camera, which is currently in NY, plan on having to pose a lot :) like i was the cute pictures of people with people and dorky faces and laughter...i want a lot of memories to keep with me when everyone goes their seperate directions
my parents get home monday i believe, and then we all head off to niagara on friday...im so excited, fourth of july will feel right again, last year, being in bg, just didnt cut it, i love NY
kayln needs to come home soon! i have so much that i want her opinion on...takling to her the other night was nice though, its good shes having such a great time
i have to talk to chuck in the next few days about not being a bagger...not being a bagger would be awesome, even though, i got 20 hrs this week, who's gonna be splurging when they get to NY? yeah, its me
anyway, gotta head off to the gym with hess, maybe ian too, idk, then grad parties and then nelsons for a bonfire...the home ;)
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 19 June :: 12.15am
:: Mood: idk...contemplative, i guess
:: Music: modest mouse
idk, ive been thinking a lot lately, and ive been getting absolutely nowhere
summer has been great so far...ive done nothing but work, sleep, and hang out with friends and various parties, and plyiang lots and lots of volleyball, im actually decent at it too :) its been great being able to hang out with friends though...im really going to hate to have to see them all leave soon
my parents left us this weekend, camping or sometihng, then i think next weekend is when we leave for New York, im not really sure though...should be fun, i love being in new york with everyone, makes my day
ugh, so this thinking thing ive been doing lately...i havent really gotten anywhere with it, i mean, i know what i want, and its right there, i can see it, and i can almost touch it, but, idk, its not feasible, and i think im getting my hopes up, and i think tonight was a prime example of it
it scares me though...im not ready to watch him walk away from me, it sounds forky, but its true, he has gotten me through a lot, and for me to not just be able to call him up sucks a lot
idk, i hate these drives home i have, all i do is stare and think, and i still get nowhere, and i zone out, and all the sudden im crossing the RR tracks by my house, it scares me that i can do that
hmm, this update sucks
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 13 June :: 11.43am
:: Music: the turtles
Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together
If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together (ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba)
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 13 June :: 9.34am
:: Mood: tired
its been so long...i just never knew what to write in here, this journal isn't as easy as it used to be
so much has happened since i last updated though, i wont really go into a lot of detail though
my track career is now over, well maybe, i still havent decided if theres a spot for my on the college track team or not, it'll be weird to be on a team with the megans or amy or kelly...idk, but the end was bittersweet, i was ready for track to be over, but as i stepped out of the circle for the last time, im not gonna lie, tears started to form in my eyes, and coach and dad thought i was crying because i was upset with the outcome, but that wasnt the case at all, i wsas just sad because it was over. the track banquet was the other night...it wasnt as heartfelt as it used to be....people had exams the next morning and the nba finals were on that night...everyone was trying to hurry it along...idk, i guess i was expecting more, but coach had a lot of night things to say, and i got my fourth year letter, a nice plaque with my picture :) i'm going to miss track...
mom left saturday afternoon for florida....she grandma and vicky flew down, vicky and mom will be back thusday though, grandma needed to get back and tie up some loose ends...like picking grandpa up from the funeral home..that craks me up that he's still there, if he was still alive i could just here him complaining about grandma and her procrastination...'Jesus Christ, Betty, just go pick the damn thing up'...God, i miss him...i still tear up if i think about it too much
high school is now over...graduation had come and gone...and im still sitting here feeling like a 10 yr old. my parents still baby me, they still spoil me, i like to think i could go out there and take care of myself, but i really dont know...going out there and failing scares me, i know have to make that risk though, idk, its just weird to think about. the graduation ceremony was nice though, really warm, and pictures afterwards were crazy! i didnt find everyone i wanted though, i was really close to getting him, but when i grabbed for him i missed, oh well, whats meant to be will happen
after graduation we went to megans one last time for a 'friday night'. it was awesome, everyone was there, and everyone was in a great mood
saturday was insane. soooo many grad parties. megan, sara, kalyn, kaylene carrie and i all went around to each party...they were all very lovely...i really liek grad parties, you get a tiny peek into the lives of people you wouldnt really take that peek with....drew came and gave his final goodbye at DD&J's, i was so sad, i could not leave for the entire summer two days after graduation...he is one strong kid...i cant wait to go visit him
nelson's grad party was last night...daniel and i hung out by the fire and just chatted...i love daniel chats, we started out with a heart to heart, then moved on to college, then people, then problems, then life in general...it was awesome, then other people started to come by the fire, so we kinda had to stop...but at least i have daniel in college with me, so we can have a lot of those...daron too, i love chatting with daron, i just wish megan wouldnt be so far away...she's another chatter i love, and sara...ugh...i hate it when people leave....
i guess thats all...i'll try to keep this up a little more
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 2 May :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: tired
i almost forgot about this thing...
well it's been too long, and so much has happened...
back in march, we all went to scotland, had an amazing time, i would go back and relive it all in a heart beat...first day was hell though, being up for 36 hours, after finding out that grandpa had died...i was a wreck, i dont think ive cried so much, pretty much ever. i got the phone call and dad walked in and i was just sitting in the middle of the dining room floor crying into the phone. i didnt know what to do, i pretty much refused to go to scotland, but i guess grandpa had told grandma to make us go no matter what...we werent going to be missing anything while we were over there anyway...gah, i miss him.
school has been hectic. loads of crap are coming at me, and i dont understand half of it most of the time, but its ok. im still getting by. AP test is thursday and after that, im hoping that class just coasts...i really hate that class...i hate english, i dont know why i even bother half the time...im a numbers person
track had been dandy...actually no. im not too thrilled with it. im not doing very well, and that's partially because of my toe/foot. im such a loser. but the season is winding down, and i only have about 2-3 weeks left...it'll be sad to leave it, but it's time to close that chapter
prom is this weekend, and thats all anyone can talk about...me included, im more open to talk about it too since i have a date and all ;) we're going to have the best group ever, no joke....so many people, but so many people that i enjoy being around :)
thats enough
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 8 March :: 10.37pm
i think this is the first time ive sat down for more than 5 minutes, not including school
the past two days have been nonstop...track has started, and straight from track ive gone to work...that was hard, my legs ache
districs were on saturday...we played really well, a lot better than i expected us to, its like someone finally kicked us in the butt and we got it, right in time too...we got a 1, and we get to go on to states, but we're not going to because of Scotland and becuase Headley doesnt want to...hey, fine by me. instead we're going to do a Sousa concert, should be fun, i really enjoy concerts, and i enjoy being on stage, when i dont have a solo :) solos and me just dont get along, not everyone can be an ian
i've been thinking a lot the past few days...since Sunday actually...a lot of questions have been popping into my head, that i would really like to get some answers to sometime...up for it?
school has been a joke lately...
idk, i had a lot more i wanted to say, but im not going to because id probably regret it...so we'll end this now
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2005 2 March :: 8.31am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: keane
just about everything
its been awhile, i know
life has been extremely interesting lately...but, ive gotten to the point now where im pretty happy with it...
a few weeks ago i got out of school, and i did my normal rountine of calling my mom and filling her in and vise versa about my day and hers...she told me tat grandma m had called, and that grandpa had a heart attack...i just about swerved off the road, i dont take information like this very well, i always make the mistake of fearing the worst and what not...he was ok though, still is, he actually thought he had bronchitis, went to the dr and the dr told him 'well, sir, you had a heart attack two days ago', way to go gramps. i was scared though, i couldn't handle it..i tried to hold in the tears as much as i could, but it really wasnt possible...michael andrew came into work that day and talked to me, and i bawled. then that night we all were out at stevie's and i broke down in the kitchen...the look on daniel's face was priceless...they arent used to seeing me break down like that, they didnt know what to do...sara and megan just hugged me and honestly, they couldnt have done anything better. it was just hard to deal with...when bernard got really sick, i was at least able to go see him everyday, and i cant do that with grandpa..florida isnt just a quick drive away, and i think that's what got to me most
school has been going alright...i swear i havent been to a full week of school since we've been back from winter break. its insane, but i think im keeping up alright...bringman has gotten used to me not being there, and shes gotten used to me barging in on her newspaper class...at least she likes me, i feel bad for megan...
cominghome was pretty amazing, i went with james, which i guess there was some problem with? i still dont know the entire story, and honestly, i dont want to, we went together, and from my side of it, we had a great time...pictures were fun, dinner was yummy, we didnt fall during our walk, and the music was good...if they would have played some slow songs..but i guess we can't have it all...and congrats to james for being king..i dont know if i ever really congratulated him.
i came home from the dance around 2...i tried to ake it early, so my parents wouldnt be too worried..its a good thing i came home so early, because around 7 we called 911 for grandma because she was having the worst pains of her life, so we rushed her off...all i could do was sit by the window and stare at the EMS, i couldn't move, tears were streaming down my face, and i couldnt breathe. i didnt know what to do..this wasn't supposed to be happening, my heart cant take much more of this. this is my grandma, shes the one i used to call everyday when i was bored, and she kept moaning, and saying she was gonna die...i can't hear this, i felt like i was going to die, it honestly felt like someone was reaching in and just squeexing my heart...i dont know if i have ever been so scared...for her and for me..i dont know how i would live without her around...its selfish, but i dont care, i was scared, and i was trying to help grandpa, and he was holdng it together so well, and i was a mess, i felt so terrible, and he was trying to grab things for her that he thought she would need...glasses and such, and he couldn't get the zipper on his coat to work, ugh, worst experience of my life, everything was going so quickly around me and i didnt know what to do...i ended up spending most of the day at the ER, then i had to go to work...worst 4.5 hours ever. came home, she was admitted because nothing was coming up on any of the tests..shes home now though, and i head down every once and awhile to check up on her...shes doing ok...and im sorry to everyone who has had to sit and watch me cry...its gotta be uncomfortable, but i appreciate it
last night i was getting ready to go to bed, and i always fall asleep with my mp3 player, and a song came on, from a CD i bought last summer...and i normally try to skip over songs that remind me of last summer...which is a shame, i bought a lot of good music last summer...but last night i listened to it, and then i got to thinking...i was half asleep, so my thoughts weren't exactly linear, nor do they completely make sense, but i was happy with them at the time. i'm so happy right now...granted not everything is going as it should...friendships have cracked and everything is swirling around me and i feel out of control half the time, but im really happy...i was thinking back to the summer...i was so incredibly happy back then, and everyone knew it...i was walking around like a freaking bulb that just kept glowing...i remember the weekend i spent up in NY, i was sitting on the fort wall, staring out at the sunset talking on the phone...and i was so happy. i didnt think things could get much better..but looking back now, im so different than that girl that was sitting on that facade, that girl had false hopes, she was ignorant, and was playing right into a game. not really so much anymore...im out every weekend with different people..the group im with is never the same, and i like that, we're not doing that same thing, and i like that, there are nights when i dont want to go out and see people, and i dont have to, and i like that. i feel like, for the first time, im thinking a lot more for myself, i didnt use to do that...everyone used to depend on me for the information on what was going on that night...not anymore, and its pretty sweet, im just kinda going with the flow now...nothing matters that used to. now, dont get me wrong, i liked the girl from last summer...i was extremely happy with her at the time, but things change...if i was ever to go back to that girl, id pretty much have to shoot myself, i dont think i could put myself through that again, it worked at the time, but it woudlnt work now...and i think last ngiht was the first time i really realized that, and when the song was finished, i went through my song listings and listened to that entire CD...the entire CD that reminded me of last summer...that CD that i have so many memories and people tied into..and i just smiled...im happy now...and even though it really doesnt fit..i feel like i should thank YOU for it
track meetin was supposed to be yesterday, i talked to stacie in the hall the other day...neither one of us really has any ambition for it right now...i dont really know why, my last indoor meet sucked a lot, so that could have something to do with it...but its just not as fun anymore..like i have a feeling this season wont be as fun as the last few...no bob, no abby, no barger (hes annoying but i love him), adam and i will be civil - we always are, but things will be different, ian will be around - i love that kid, he's my saving grace sometimes and i dont think he knows it, and angie, i honestly dont know what i would do without her sometimes...so it'll be fun, but it'll be testing
3 weeks!
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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