shiznit05
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2004 1 August :: 1.10pm
:: Mood: good
interesting week to say the least...however i dont think im well enough equiped to write about it...im not even sure if i want to write about it...all i can say, is im happy, happier than ive been in awhile...we'll just have to wait and see what happens next
yesterday i chatted with sara a lot, i think she got annoyed with me, but at the same time she understands, i listened to her ramble also, and i'll listen to her ramble even more probably later this afternoon...talked to amanda, she was dead after her tournament, but extremely happy..i was happy for her, yay to beat sua, thats amazing! :) stevie called me on her way home from work..then she came over and we decided a girly movie was in need, so we watched now and then...movie about a group of girls who through trials and tribulations are still best friends an x amount of years later...good movie...then we chatted a lot...she left a little after midnight after about 15 minutes of talking in the driveway...we're cool like that
i was supposed to go to church this morning...i didnt...opps. instead i slept until 11, it was a nice sleep too, one of the most fulfilling ive had in awhile :)
other than that , ive done a lot of nothing today, and that is good. i think amanda might be coming out tonight to enter the world of scrapbook wonderment, sara and stevie will probably head out also...possibly megan too...we'll have to see
thats it for now
2 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 31 July :: 12.49am
I need love, love to ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
but mama said
you can't hurry love
oh you'll just have to wait
she said love dont come easy
its a game of give and take
you cant hurry love no you'll just have to wait
you gotta just give it time
no matter how long it takes
but how many heartaches must i stand
before i find a love to let me live again
right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
when i feel my strength, yeah is almost gone
i remember mama said
no you can't hurry love
you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
its a game of give and take
how long must i wait
how much more can i take
before loneliness will cause my heart, heart to break
no i can't bear to live my life alone
i grow impatient for a love to call my own
but when i feel that i, i can't go on
these precious words keep me hanging on
i remember mama said
you can't hurry love
oh, you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
its a game of give and take
you can't hurry love
no, you'll just have to wait
she said just give it time
no matter how long it takes
you know love, love dont come easy
but i keep on waiting, anticipating
for that soft voice to talk to me at night
for some tender arms to hold me tight
i keep waiting, i keep on waiting
but it aint easy, it aint easy
but mama said
you can't hurry love
no, you'll just have to wait
she said just give it time
no matter how long it takes
you can't hurry love
oh you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
its a game of give and take
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 27 July :: 4.29pm
:: Mood: contemplative
so..its been a year. i've accepted it. i mean, how couldnt i? i would be going mad. it still hurts though. thought about it a lot today...so ive been really spacey and quiet. its crazy to think how much we've moved on in a year...
megan and i: we're the same...close as ever, dont see each other nearly as much, but we make do with what we can. hopefully we will go to the same college..if not, we'll live. i still do and always will consider that girl to be my best friend.
sara and i: haha we went through many up and downs..that girl annoys the hell out of me sometime, but after a week everything is back to normal...we can still do the eye thing, which annoys everyone still. havent really seen a lot of her this summer though. but still fairly close. closer than we were a year ago.
amanda and i: we really started our friendship this year...i love that girl to death...she is someone that will put you in a good mood when you're down. she is someone that i will talk to years from now :)
stevie and i: we really got a lot closer this last year...went to the lake...talked about depressing girl problems late into the night...she always has a quote of some sort that makes sense of whats currently going on
jackie and i: well...we used to be fairly close...i helped her through her break up, and that was really the last ive talked to her..shes moved on with new poeple, which is great for her, i consider her a friend, without a doubt, but we've definitely drifted.
ian and i: well what can i say...i luv that kid. haha, he has talked me through so much shit in the last year. he's always good to have around. he was there for me last year and hes still there for me now. went to a dance with him...had fun. hes got a gf now, i thought that might make things a little awkward....not at all, still my best guy friend...gotta love it...everyone should have an ian
daniel and i: we became better friends...i helped him with the whole trap of megan..i stopped calling him jew...we've progressed...he's nice to chat with, that kid cracks me up
adam and i: hmm...where shall i begin? this time last year, we werent speaking...actually stopped speaking for several months. reacquainted during football season...became friends-ish. made small talk evrey once and awhile...then we got into the cycle of pissing each other off every 2 weeks and not speaking...did that for awhile..went through 2 phases of declaring silence to each other...now theres not a day that goes by that i dont at least talk to him. we hang out a lot more now...we dont fight nearly as often..it used to be we couldnt go a converstaion without an argument...now we just laugh about it...its good now, he and i have made the most progress... :)
hess and i: he was gone this year...but we kept in touch...had a great time at homecoming with him...hes just a good guy
brian and i: gotta love the kid, even if i dont agree with everything he says or does...but we've been friends for about 5 years...i tlak him through some of his woes...its ok
doug and i: well to say the least, the kid has the most stressful life ever, and i dont envy him at all...hes good to have around, and i do enjoy talking to him, but man oh man, we went through some cycles this year...i went through a phase of feeling replaced, i pretty much was replaced, i dont care about that anymore, to say the least, hes almost been replaced lately...we're working on it though...
hodges and i: he makes you feel like theres some worth to you...definitely someone to talk to when you're feeling like shit, or have boy problems :)
i think thats everyone...idk, my mind is a blur...this last year was a complete growing experience...very interesting
4 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 27 July :: 9.12am
:: Mood: content
yesterday doug wanted to spend some time with me so i went over to his house and i actually sat through the first lord of the rings, extended version. yes, its true...and i only got up like 3 times because i couldnt stand sitting anymore. i was proud of myself...so was stevie when i told her. good movie though...but why does it have to be so damn long!? i could have gotten that same amount of information in 2.5 hours than 3.5 hours. oh well
after that i went home, and the plan was for adam to rent bourne identity and him daniel ian and i were going to watch it before going to see bourne supremacy. well...no one had bourne identity...so we sat around until 915 and then went to the movie...i really dont like watching a sequel when i havent seen the prequel, but it wasnt so bad...adam explained the basis of the first one to me so i was alright. that was also a good movie..but i was getting to be extremely tired during it and my headache from earlier was becoming unbearable..it was one of those headaches that actually starts to make your stomach hurt...not fun, plus the camera action in the movies was rocky, so fun! chatted with ian for a bit in the parking lot...he makes me laugh, hes good to have around
ahh! i got home last night and said goodnight to my parents...sounded exactly like dani! its funny
3 seeds |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 26 July :: 11.09am
:: Mood: i like home :)
its been awhlie, but for the last four days ive been hanging out in NY/Canada so i think i have reason
the trip was, to say the least, amazing. i had a wonderful time, many stories to share...none of which can be chared on here, because they would A)take too long and B)they're much better in person. but i will do a quick rundown on the last four days...
thurs: woke up, rolled out of bed and went to the van, this being when i forgot to stop by the truck and pick up my ID...oops...fell asleep in the van, woke up in pennsylvania...went shopping once we hit buffalo and made it to the fort by 4, set up, talked to terry and jim left to go to canada...got into canada without my ID, i thought that was impressive...went to the falls...went on maid of the mist...got wet...good times :)
fri: woke up horribly stuffed because of allergies, took medicine, ended up sleeping most of the afternoon, but woke up when bill robin and dani showed up...that made me happy :) hung out with them for the remainder of the night
saturday: woke up, kept busy throughout the day, watched the battle, hung out with dani..then we went to CANADA....again, i got into canada without my ID..we went to dinner and walked around..all of which we did in garb, so all the french canadian people thought we were the coolest thing ever..i felt like i was actually somebody...i have never had so many people come up to me and ask to take a picture, it made me laugh...we walked a lot, sang in a gazebo, window shopped and got some ice cream...we got back to the states sometime near midnight...we missed the dance at the castle...
sunday: kept busy...did a lot of tearing down throughout the day...made plans for the next visit, said our good byes and we were out of there by 430...got home by 1130...it was lovely, im sunburnt, and extremely tired, and i never want to hear bag pipes or see the 42nd regiment ever again..:)
now im home, going to watch a movie with doug in a bit, from what i hear he needs a friend...thats where i step in
i like home :)
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 19 July :: 5.25pm
this song has been running through my head all day
Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
Roped me in so mesmorizing
And so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am...
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated, I am certain now
That I am..
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defence is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep down
to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
Like hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 17 July :: 12.09pm
:: Mood: i want sleep!
hmm..thurs night was girls night, 4 guys stopped by though, but it was ok, because its not like they could have stayed the entire time, so we still had PLENTY of girl time. i missed most of the track and field trials though because we were out on the porch visiting with ian and adam..i was a big nerd and kept looking in through the window to see what events were on :) it was a lot of fun though..A LOT of giggling..there comes a time where we all just lose it..my time happens to be 130am...yea, after that i was completely idiotic...as in..making a big deal to go get on the computer..and then after 2 minutes getting bored with it, or...spazzing out when stevie wants to turn on the light and i think its going to blind me, or...bursting out into renditions of Eye of the Tiger...yup! megan was entralled to see a jar of M&Ms..plus she fell asleep once and we woke her up to play a game...she wasnt happy with us...tara got a boob job, but then it turned out she didnt..because it was tara reid, not rood..it was like 2am, it made sense at the time...and it turns out tara is going to marry jamers because in her eyes he's a perfect 10..haha. gah, i dont even think i remember anything else...i had a wiggle dance once...i was so far gone that night...wayyyy too giggly, i think i fell out of the chair once because i thought something was so damn funny lol. we finally went to bed around 5, woke up at 8 :) we're winners. we ate cinnamon rolls, then megan and i left.
i went to gmas after that...helped her with whatever needed to be done for the party that night..i really did nothing, i ate more than i helped, i had to check all the food though and make sure it was good enough for mom and grandpa! went home after that, did a lot of nothing...mike and heather came out, we played some texas hold em..i won the loot the first game, lost the second though...i'll be a lot smarter sunday night when im playing with people i dont know...that should be interesting. we went down to grandmas...saw EVERYONE...ate A LOT...brats, steaks and hamburgers were the main course, plus every fruit ever, potato salad..macaroni salad..onion roll ups..pickles...cheese...butteringer cheesecake...and more..it was crazy, i ate sooo much but it was soo good
went to see I,ROBOT that night, it was very good, i suggest you go see it.
today i have to work a lot..no going out for me.. :)
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 14 July :: 5.01pm
last night i told amanda i wanted ice cream, so i went into BG and met up with her, got a call from megan, and the three of us, plus stevie, decided to meet at the sundae station for some ice cream...the place was completely packed, so i had to park at the orthos, and we decided to sit in the bed...one of the props of having a truck i guess...stevie and megan were going to meet some others at the movies, while amanda and i went back to the dever household and watched some old school nick shows and the UK edition of queer eye..it was quite odd, but we learned some new phrases :)
today has been completely unproductive...i started to not feel well again, which sucks, i have a meeting to go to tonight, so ive been getting ready for that a bit...pretty boring
last night at about 1am was quite interesting...i was getting ready for bed, i actually got to the point of laying down, under the covers, and i have this problem where i think A LOT before i go to bed...and i was thinking about all this things i need to do in a short amount of time...i need to finish my 4h project, i need to start my summer reading - i already have, but i need to keep up with it, i have a job application i need to turn in like now, i havent seen ian in forever and ive been trying to think of when i might be able to actually say hello to his face, i have a meeting tonight, plans tomorrow, family get together on friday, im traveling next week, ive been neglecting my gym membership, i need to go in a throw before i completely drop doing that for the year, i need to go buy my moms gift (which technically i should have given her today), i need to give daron that damn marching hat back, and i need to start narrowing down my 10 college choices to like 5 which is IMPOSSIBLE!, plus megan started going through this idk what i want to do with my life phase, which made me question what i want to do with my life...so im now in that phase also..i know i picked something that i will love, but there are other things that i would love just as much that could be a lot more itneresting...grr..so all of these things started to build up and low and behold i put myself into a position that i havent been in for about a year...and of course my parents were asleep and i didnt want to wake them up, i got online, and adam was on, but hes never experienced this with me so i didnt wnt to drag him into it, so i was stuck there by myself trying to work through it...i dont remember if i ever worked through it, i may have passed out, or calmed myself down enough that i actually fell asleep, idk, i was doing really well with this all too, i was going on over a year...this sucks
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 13 July :: 6.16pm
it hurts less than i thought it would...but more than i ever wanted it to
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 13 July :: 10.59am
:: Mood: content
saturday and sunday i felt pretty crappy, so i actually stayed home both nights...i know, kind of a shocker there...i decided to stay in rather than go out...it was nice though..i slept A LOT, which really is what i needed..."liquids, sleep and chicken soup" - check, check, and check. :)
yesterday i went out to lunch with amanda and megan - had to catch up with them after their fun filled day at CP. plus it was my very first trip to jimmy johns, which according to some is a crime, so i was more than happy to do the time...it was yummy :) i went home after that, sat on my bed with my mom and finalized my senior picture order, then sara called, i caught up with her, she got her pics, which are soooo nice!, we went out to dinner, visited amanda at work, hooked up with stevie, went to ians hockey game, then visited megan in her 4H hell. pretty exciting huh?
moment for contemplation:
ok..i understand it now, i see why you thought i would try to change it, but what you pointed out..isnt exactly something i can change, its who i am whether its something you like or not, it comes with the package...and the more i thought about it, we all know i hate the same thing about you...you know that, i've told you that. but it never crossed my mind that you should change it...its you, it just happens to be that part of you i dont like as much as the rest..so no worries, the past few nights shouldnt change anything, id like to go back to how we were like a week ago...
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 10 July :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: yucky
wednesday night i had my band mtg..it all went fairly well..i dont know if we necessarily accomplish anything, but we do get a greater understanding for what this group of officers wants to do this season, which is nice...after the other officers left i hung out with jamers for awhile, then megan and amanda made their way over, and daniel and adam decided to stop by seeing as how they were only next door. sat around, watched le tour de france some more, then we decided to go to daniels, save me because mom wanted me home, so instead i stood in the middle of the street for another 20 minutes talking to megan and amanda about randomness that can only be explained as bliss, i love just talking to those girls, no matter what is running through your head at the time they have the ability to make it seem not so life altering and they can actually make you not think about it for an x amount of time. so i headed home that night...
my parents left for detroit thurs morning, they woke me up at 5 to say goodbye...i honestly dont know if i like staying home alone anymore...not because im scared or worried or anything, but because when they leave, i never get to go out because people always come here because its the place without parents...not that i mind but its a little unnerving at times because the times that i dont have a curfew i stay home, its a slight bummer, plus everyone complains about coming out..idk, its an odd situation that im not completely sure of...plus the fact that when my parents are gone theres never any food here! i eat pure crap while they're gone...but anyway, adam came out around 4 and we watched some kill bill scenes because heading into megans for dinner, stopped by video spectrum and then came back out here...megan hodges sara stevie and daniel joined us...we watched shawshank redemption...good movie..and then they headed out
friday...went to throwing and the gym...came home, took a nap, went on a 13 mile bike ride with stevie, had some lemonade, sat around, came home, made cookies, adam came out, followed quickly by daniel and herringshaw and hodges...sat around, watched the track and field trials...they all left...same ol' same ol'
today i woke up feeling completely congested, my voice still is a few octaves deeper, i slept on and off pretty much most of the day...went to the car show with amanda, drooled over some cars, walked around with baldwin and jackie for a bit...picked up a random job application..went to sunway for lunch, came home and ive been a bum ever since...watched some more track and field trials..those are amazing, i though it said there was going to be disc though, and all i saw throwing wise was more mens shot put...which is amazing, dont get me wrong, i mean hello?! adam nelson threw 71 flat, id love to see that in person, im pretty sure i would be speechless...either that or gazing at them with complete awe as drool goes down my chin..either way
ive been contemplating my ways lately...theres a lot about me that has changed a lot in the past few months, i have theories as to the influence that has affected me so..i just dont understand why...that influence has been there pretty steadily for the past 4 years..why is it being so drastic now? idk, at times i like this new me that as popped up, but other times...idk, i think im really pissing some people off a lot..idk anymore
i think thats it...the meds are slowly taking over and my eyelids are getting heavier
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 7 July :: 2.01pm
:: Mood: contemplative
busy day today...i skipped out on throwing, but according to hodges i didnt miss anything...he was there with adam, and that was it, coach didnt even show up, so im glad i didnt go, it would have been a waste...i have to be over at wilhelms for a 4H mtg later, and i actually have to leave that mtg early to go to my other mtg for band officers at jamers' house...hopefully we get some things squared off at this mtg...
last night me berber kelly stevie hodges and amanda played volleyball at carter park..it was so much fun, playing the the sand :) then we went to DQ which was rather interesting...to say the least...headed over to daniels...ran into doug in his driveway, had a discussion that really accomplished nothing, mostly my fault though, i didnt really feel the need to accomplish anything, to put it bluntly i didnt care to accomplish anything, as bitchy as that sounds, its the honest to God truth..sure i dont like the idea of doug not being happy with me, but at the same time i dont know if ive doen anything wrong...sure i could of done things better...but idk, i had fun and thats all that really matters right?, idk, call me a bitch if you want, or self centered...i dont care
i think i need an ian talk...but i cant get that anymore
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 6 July :: 9.48am
its been a while
ive been keeping busy though since last thursday...friday night stevie adam daniel, and i went bowling which was interesting, i suck at bowling and it showed, but it was a lot of fun anyway, after that we went to rallys because we were thirsty and didnt feel like spending 4 bucks a glass....
saturday i met adam at 10 to go throw for a bit, we're going to be sweet when spring comes around, after that we decided to go raid daniels house after just waking him up, watched some tennis and le tour de france, then the boys got hungry so we went to taco bell...which was fun, i was bummed i had to leave them so early, but i had to get home and pack so stevie could come and pick me up so we could go to the lake. went to the lake, and jet skied A LOT! it was so much fun though, her family is so nice, and the house was so cool...definitely going up again sometime soon. got home sunday, had a nice dinner with my parents mike and heather, then went into megans house to hang out before going in to watch the fireworks...they were pretty good, i enjoyed them, i missed being in NY for the 4th so much though, and it showed, megan and amanda kept asking me what waswrong, and i couldnt pin point it at the time, becuase i was surrounded by my friends watching fireworks...whats not to love? but i figured it out later...im just used to being somewhere else with different people for the 4th...its been that way for the past 7 years and it was just odd...i missed NY, but i got over it quickly....monday night stevie wanted to play homerun derby, but megan and i had already agreed to meet tim, so we did both....DQ with Tim was great...i love him so much, he just makes everything fun :) then we went to play bball, but ended up leaving soon after becuase the bugs were nasty, so we ended up the night at daniels...watched some TV, nothing special..came home....the end
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 1 July :: 11.07am
:: Mood: content
time for a morning update i guess...
i got to go into town yesterday and pick up my senior pictures...im actually happy with them, there are some that i really dont like at all, but there are others that turned out really really well, so im happy, my parents and i are going to have a hard time picking out the ones we want...but megan had told me that she wanted to see them all when i got them, so i called and told her and she and amanda came out, i called sara because i figured she would want to see them also. they all loved them and gushed and drool...everything that great friends would do :) ian called wondering where we all were, told him we were at my house, he asked if he coul blow things up, i asked my dad, he said that was fine, so ian adam and daniel came out and got to shoot the musket..they were excited, i think ian moreso than the other two, but sara and i were manly for a few seconds and shot it also, i actually was good the first time and got really close to the center of the target but i think i missed it the second time haha. after that, we just kinda sat around the living room...herringhsaw came out a little while after and showed us his proofs which turned out really nice also..there were a few that i didnt like, but i think that comes with every batch...people started to dwindle a bit, and daniel was last to leave at around 1140, chatted online for a bit and made it to bed at a fairly decent time and then did wake up until 1040..my life is a waste
today wll be an easy day...im not really in the mood for going out, but ive said that before so we'll see what happens, i know stevie wants to see my proofs so maybe i'll just have her some over...idk, we shall see
thats it
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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shiznit05
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2004 30 June :: 10.23am
:: Mood: random
:: Music: counting crows
the last few days have been quite odd...i feel like ive gotten my best friend back, but at the same time, i feel like im getting a brand new best friend...can someone have more than one best friend? i'd like to think so, but at the same time i feel bad calling the new one my best friend, like its some sort of betrayal to my first best friend...like he's in some way less best than before? idk, its comfusing...i dont think i like the term best friend, its too definite, i mean if someone is best one day...does that necessarily mean they will be best the next? not the way people work nowadays...everything is changing..i think i'll just stick with good. i have my good friend back...and i feel like im getting a brand new good friend - that makes me happy, i like my new good friend
the corn is starting to get high...so anyone who decides to enture out to my house, please, please, please be careful at all intersections! the corn really does hinder your visibility, just be careful
i skipped throwing this morning - my alarm went off and i didnt want to go at all...throwing this morning had zero appeal...normally i'll go just for the fact that i can see the people there and be social, but this morning was different, i didnt jump at the chance to spend time with ian or adam, i just didnt see the point, it was odd, i didnt understand, but in the stir of confusion, i rolled over and fell back asleep
i have to go in tonight and get my proofs...im really curious as to how they turned out, but at the same time...i worried they'll be bad..
also this 4H project has me all tied in knots, i procrastinated too much and i know i'll finish it, but i dont think it will be top knotch like i want it to be. plus this whole judging thing? i dont do well with being judged...plus i just found out im being escorted? kinda weird, idk, i think i need to have a nice long talk with megan about it..she'll make me feel more together about it
movie night last night at ians...it was cool, we watched cold mountain, good movie, id watch it again, just so i could catch all the parts i missed because of random bantering...and people yell at me for talking during movies?? im not bad at all when compared to the people last night, oh well
grandmas here...
1 seed |
it takes a death and only God can allow it
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