:: 2004 19 October :: 2.36 pm

and this girl, this vision i have. of the one who would be "perfect" for him . . . maybe it's too simplified. this little waif of a princess. this helpless little shit in a white dress. waitingwaitingwaiting doing nothing until she's rescued. all broken but beautiful. so beautiful.

[so pathetic, she snarls. she'sright.]

and it's possiblypossible that he finds my aggression a not unnattractive quality but . . .

claire. i've heard him on the phone with her. talking her down as she cries. he is [maybe was, they had a . . . falling-out sort of thing] who she goes to for comfort. he is [was? will be again? does it matter? i'm screwed from the beginning . . .] her security blanket. and she's the perfect damsel in distress.

i can't describe this well. it's in his body language. tone of voice. over the phone, in person . . . even just talking about her, there's a difference. and it fucking breaks my heart, not because he's madly in love with someone else [whocanblamehim? she's probably as brilliant as the other one was, as they always are . . .] but because i don't stand. a. fucking. chance. if she ever decides to let him move in.

he says i make him happy, but that's bollocks. or rather, semantics. i can make him happy. but she makes him fucking euphoric.

and the truth of the matter is i want nothing more than for her to do it. and make it work. fucking make him that happy all the time, you stupid little girl, you have no idea what's right in front of you. i don't matter, i'm not even in the equation. i just want him to smile. like he does around her. every goddamn day.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 19 October :: 2.14 pm

that falling is floating in heaven for hours

and it still hurts, you know, when i remember what it felt like. to have and to hold. to stare at your sleeping face.

but. well. weep not.

i want to tell the [former] source. things. anything. but this goes right along with the other Oath. certain things when said cannot be unsaid. certain promises when made must be kept at any cost. i'm finding my honor in the most unlikely of places . . .

. . . a neon green guardian? pfah! i would surely have said. pfah!

if jim is my white knight then she is my black knight. he is unreachable but offers salvation. she offers life itself, but at such a cost. i'm too weak to survive without both of them. i'll take her when he's not around.

. . . the part that bothers me is, she'll still be there when i do meet him again. like it or not i am changed and changing. constantly. i keep worrying that the person i am now is not the one he fell[1021] [idon'tbelieveawordofit] in love with. or worse, that said person never really existed.

i knew when i met him i could never have him. he was beyond me, morally and ethically. too pure. too good.

on the beach, dan passed out behind us, a feeble sunrise behind a shit-smear of clouds. i said something about my [very short] hair and he said he prefers when girls have longer hair. so he can brush it out of their eyes. like this.

i had to look away.
splat, there goes my heart on the sand.
i knew i could never have him.
i also knew i could never stop.
i'll be his shadow.
his lesser half.
his. whatever.
as long as he'll let me.
until it starts hurting him.
[maybe it already has. maybe i've already done so much damage that nothing else matters.]
i can't. leave this.
not until i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he doesn't want me, or can't handle me anymore.
not until i've sucked every last drop of goodness from it.
arg.
arg.
i hate it when i do that.
that filth, it's still there.
i still don't want it on him. anywhere near him. in the same fucking universe as him.
he's too good for you, i say.
to the other version of me.
i'm right. i think.
but.

.
.
.

something.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 17 October :: 10.22 am

a white knight deserves a princess. a princess in a tower, a princess you have to kill a dragon for, a princess under a curse. hard to get, but worth it in the end.

you don't get it, retard. you haven't seen things from my perspective. haven't felt this Filth in every vein in every pore in every breath. i don't want you ever to feel it. i am covered in shit and you are an angel of light to me, i want more than anything to be held in your arms but then you'd be covered in it too. understand? i corrupt. i make good things go bad. that's why i keep all of this to myself. nobody needs this. i don't need to drag anybody down.

if i had the courage, the means, and a decent reason to . . . but you know what's holding me back? that fucking five percent. humans will do anything for the slightest chance that something good will happen. especially when there's no other options.

just want to stare death in the face and bang. easy. over. out.

people keep thinking i'm more than i am [dwelling on it dwelling on it rereading the] [&does that make ignorance bliss? is any of that true anymore? does it matter if it is? it may scar over but you'll still twitch when i move at you. still expect me to bite.]

&strange but now i'm the one incapable of non-monogamy. i can't. won't. am incapable of dating other people. well. i don't date anyway. so that's out.

but i'm very . . . uni-directional when it gets to this point. that's why i don't like falling in the first place. i know where it leads. i get too focused. too obsessed. way the fuck too obsessed.

it's a question of morals. yes, amazingly enough, i have them. they're just skewed, is all. but . . . once i've made that oath. to myself, to nothing else, it's nothing but a decision but one i will not waver from. the cost may be as it is and if it takes another two years, three years, ten years to recover then so be it. an oath once said shall not be broken. that's part of her moral code.

frightening. she's just as human as the rest of us. a monster, yes, but she's a knight too. she'll die for me, for children or those too weak to defend themselves, for certain ideals. she already did, once.

there is one [1] [a new meaning to the name, ahhahaha] hole in my heart. it can be filled by 1 [one] person at a time. i gave up god for her. i gave up her for you.

you can have it all
my empire of dirt
i will bring you down
i will make you hurt

maybe you and that stupid white-knight tendency . . . yeah, maybe you could bring me out of it. but at what cost to yourself? it's triage, my boy, some people just aren't worth it. limited resources. go save someone who can save you back.

2 in | myxomatosis

:: 2004 14 October :: 10.45 am

And if I don't say anything about it, nobody has to know.

The last thing I need to infect other people with this. To cause them distress because I am what I am.

He says next december. I say, we'll see. You might not like what you find when you get here. You might snap to your senses before then. Most of me wants you to.

I'm so bad for him. He's great for me, but I'm so bad for him. He says I make him happy, but my god man, not euphoric. Not like she could. I wish I could have done something besides sit there and be frustrated. Those two would have been so goddamn great together. And she would have been so good for him. Instead he's got . . . this. Beast.

Fairly sure he has no idea what's going on in here. What "I'm" really like. Or maybe he does and he underestimates it . . . I'm more than high-maintainence, I'm aggressively insecure. Very aggressive. He's seen it. He's too retarded to ditch me yet, though. Maybe this whole life-getting-together thing, maybe he'll grow a spine, grow some common sense.

Maybe we're too young for it to matter, but if he stays with me it'll be fucking throwing his life away . . . at the very least I don't want kids. He does. He really, really does. I'm not affectionate. I can't reassure him when he's down, offer advice. I can't do much more than sit there and look stupid. I can be a shoulder to cry on but nothing more than that. I can't heal people, I'm too worried I'll fuck something up trying, or I just lack the capacity. I care, I'm just incompetant. Women are supposed to be the caretakers and everything, all sympathetic and emotional and . . . we're supposed to be the healers. But I'm the one that needs healing. All the fucking time. This goes beyond high-maintainence. You don't want this. I don't want to you want this. I don't want to bring you down.

And that's pretty much all it is. I don't want to bring you down. I don't want you ever to feel this because of me. So.

If in the next fourteen months. It somehow falls apart. Or you find somebody else. I'll be glad for you.

But you don't ever need to know that.

myxomatosis

:: 2004 13 October :: 1.24 pm

i can never remember writing this shit down. it's like woohu is a big memory blank to me. but whatever.

thing. about. yeah, it will. maybe it won't, but probably it will. that gives me joy. a step up. able to find my way out of the very deepest bits, at least.

and somehow it's the catalyst for everything.

myxomatosis