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2005 24 July :: 10.00 pm
I am so confused. I want to tell you but sometimes I think I just can't and that I should forget about the whole thing. I don't know why it's so hard for me to say it but it is and I probably will just end up never telling you and then regreting it later but thats what I always do and it never changes but I really don't make sense and I need to get ready and go home to my moms house so I guess I will update about NY tomorrow.
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2005 22 July :: 11.28 am
Were in NY right now! Yesterday we went to Niagara Falls and and it was so amazing. On one side of Niagara Falls is NY and the other side is Canada. I loved it and we went under the falls on the Maid of the Mist which was so cool and I got soaking wet and we also went shopping in Canada too and so now I have all this canadian money which sucks but we are going back to NY and going shopping again. There are so many cute guys here
Oh yeah yesterday we were in this rich hotel in NY and we were sleeping and it was like 8:00AM and in our hotel we have these two big windows and we had the curtains open and we heard something banging so I woke up but I didn't know what it was and then my cousin Rachel woke up and we ignored the noise and started talking and then she goes "OMG look" and we looked out the window and we just see someones feet hanging right next to our window and we started laughing hysterically and then the whole guy came down and he was cleaning our windows and he was sitting on this little wooden thing and our hotel was on the 18th floor! It was soo funny though just cuz we woke up and seen someones feet hanging on the 18th floor in NY out our window! But anyways were really busy and im on the laptop so I have to go! Lots of Love!
~Ashley
P.S. I miss you too Kelli!
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2005 19 July :: 6.28 pm
Im in NY right now Kelli! Im having soooo much fun but I just thought I should say that. Im on the laptop right now. Rachel says hi. "Do you have a nickel cuz we have five pennies and we really want a nickel?" lol. We have to go. We just wanted to check our email and now we have to go.
Much Love,
Ashley******
1 shooting star |
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2005 17 July :: 6.49 pm
Yesterday when it was raining I went swimming in my pool and it's soo much fun swimming in the rain. Today Emily came over and then Dan did too and we went to the mall and then we went to eat somewhere. It was funny thougt because Emily and I just randomly laugh at things but nobody knows what we are talking about and Dan kept getting mad because we just laugh and talk about people we don't like and he's like "what are you guys laughing about". We couldn't help it, we just kept laughing. I felt like a moron.
Like 10 minutes ago I needed the phone to call someone so I ran upstairs and my sister had it and she was pinning things on her wall with tacks and the tacks were on the ground in a little box thing and I stepped on the box and they all flew out and then I stepped on them and I got them stuck in my foot so I ran downstairs and my mom had to pull them out and when she did blood started pouring out it was so sick and now I have band-aids on!
And then yesterday at like midnight my sister was on the phone upstairs and that phone has a cord and the cord was going into her room and I ran up the stairs and didn't see the cord and it hit me right across the neck and I fell backwards and she laughed at me for a long time and then I went and got water and came back up and I tripped on the stairs and spilt my water everywhere. haha im a klutz.
I'm going to Michigan Adventures tomorrow and then tomorrow night were leaving and going to New York!! I'm sooo excited but I haven't started packing yet soo..maybe I should.
I realized that it's not worth it. It's my business what happens and I don't feel the need to have to tell you every guy that I hang out with or what I do or anything at all.
I know this is selfish but it makes me happy knowing you never will be and I know that sounds really bad but after everything you've done to me, I think I'm taking it rather well. I could say alot more things that would actually hurt your feelings but Im not that mean.
I'm going to pack. Today was fun. Enough said.
NY=TOMORROW! <3 ASHLEY*
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2005 16 July :: 10.52 pm
I just watched Armageddon for the first time in my life ever, sad I know and it was soooo sad. I started bawling and I'm like "I'm going to have a break down and I'm going to hyperventilate." I will never watch that movie again. It's just too sad.
2 shooting stars |
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2005 16 July :: 3.31 pm
Oh my gosh. I can't believe I talked to him, seriously. How long has it been? Two months at the least. I miss him so much and that meant the world to me.
It's gona be love, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be more than I can take, it's gonna be free it's gonna be real, it's gonna change everything I feel.
That was your chance. You failed to notice.
TWO DAYS=NEW YORK!
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2005 14 July :: 10.38 pm
So guess what? Next week I'm going to New York! I'm really excited. I'm leaving on Monday and I will be back next Sunday or Monday. I'm so psyched. Out of all the places I've went, it's never been New York so finally!
I just bought a pink i-Pod but it wont come until Monday and that really doesn't help me since I'll be going to New York.
I don't even know what just happened but what I do know is that it makes me sad. Sometimes it's easier to say I don't care than to explain why I really do.
I guess I just got tired of being the last thing on your mind.
I cant think about this anymore. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's never going to happen.
Here we go again with the mixed emotions and second thoughts.
Yeah I wish too.
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2005 13 July :: 9.20 pm
Sometimes I forget that it's okay to smile.
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2005 8 July :: 10.28 am
:: Mood: sad
I found out this morning that my uncle died yesterday from Cancer and the thing is, we just found out like a week ago that he had it in the first place but at least I can say I seen him before he died. Anyways he lived in Tennessee and alot of our family does so my dad and I are flying out there, my dad just bought our plane tickets and thank god we dont have to drive there or back and were leaving tomorrow and I will be back sometime early next week. It goes Tennnessee, California, Tennnesse, and then soon to be California again. I'm not complaining about going places expect this time, because most people don't look forward to funerals and crying upset people. Also the thing that pisses me off is my parents both smoke and my uncle just had cancer from smoking and thats why he died and last summer my aunt died from the same exact thing but they don't seem to fucking get the clue. It's really annoying but now I'm in a bad mood. I lost one of my friends and now my uncle, can't that be enough?
Thanks for not being here when I needed you- and you know exactly what im talking about.
I'm going to go pack.
Goodbye everyone.
4 shooting stars |
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2005 7 July :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: dumb girls-lucy woodward
Today my sister wanted me to go lay out and go swimming in our pool so I said I would and then I remembered I was washing all three of my bathing suits so then she just told me to wear my bathing suits from last year but I didn't want to do that because, well I dont really know I just dont like wearing old clothes I guess lol I dont know but anyways so shes like well can we stop the washer to take them out and Im dumb and said no and she believed me so we opened it and it was spinning really fast with water and we kept trying to reach in and grab my bathing suits and it tooks us like 10 minutes to do so and we kept getting our arms caught in it and it hurt really bad it was so funny and so finally we get a matching top and bottom out of it and I dropped one of them back in there on accident..it was horriable and then afterwards when I already got one of the bathing suits out she goes "didn't you just get another new bathing suit" and I forgot that I just got another one and it was upstairs in my room..so we did all that work for nothing and almost lost our arms but it was soo worth it because now im so tan it's just great.
im not in the mood to type so im going to go find something to do.
Good night.
<3Ashley
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2005 6 July :: 5.22 pm
:: Music: Goodbye To You!
You still don't get it, nothing I ever say makes you get it and theres no way im going to just come out and say it.
I'm fighting for a hopeless case.
How come I can tell him it's not worth doing but sometimes I feel like doing the same thing?
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2005 5 July :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: jealous
:: Music: Ohio is for lovers<3
My msn isn't working..but thats what aim is for I guess.
I never should have read that. Somehow still, I don't get it. I've waited all my life for someone like you, just so I could push you away and thats pretty much what I did and when someone else likes you, that bothers me. It shouldn't, but it does. I denied I cared and that was a mistake.
Something isn't right, I can feel it again, this isn't the first time you kept me waiting. Sad excuses and falls hopes high, I saw this coming, still I don't know why I let you in.
but I have to get ready and leave. <3
Oh & when exactly are things going to get better?
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2005 5 July :: 12.58 am
Thanks for not being here when I need you. I'm supposed to confess but I refuse to do so. hahaha.
I've started to realize that just because you forgot or simply don't say it, it doesn't mean its not there.
I guess this is what you want. You decided this. This isn't what we need.
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is just you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
I'm really starting to annoy myself, I can't seem to get it right, I have to remember the difference between then and now. It's differen't, so the same things wont be said, the same things wont happen, I just am so used to before that I can't get used to the way things are now. Its weird. Who knows but im going to bed. I'm tired and hopefully tomorrow ill be better. I think I'm hanging out with Aaron soon~
P.S.-You'll figure it out soon. I gave a huge clue!
Nite<3
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2005 4 July :: 11.05 am
See, I knew that wasn't going to last longer than a day. So why do you even bother in the first place? Don't complain to me anymore if it bothers you that much, but then you just sit there and let it happen.
And you know what-explainations don't change anything. They don't make me feel any better. I either like something or I don't, and if I don't like it then knowing why it happens doesn't make any difference-it's still going to happen and I'm still not going to like it, so whats the point?
Maybe it's just too much to expect from you but I just wanted you to understand how I felt but obviously you don't.
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2005 3 July :: 9.16 pm
:: Music: Goodbye to you-Michelle Branch
Okay this is going to be an update since I never really write in here that much anymore.
I'm still really upset about Dakota. Last night I started thinking about everything and I started bawling and I just think I need to let go.I couldn't stop thinking about Dakota and then him and this and that and so I just cried. It was sad.. I blame myself for this and somehow inside I know its not my fault and if any other kid was put in my situation it would be the same thing because its your fault not mine but somehow I always take the blame and it kills me inside all the time.
Today I went on the Muskegon River with a whole bunch of people and we went tubing and we went to this sandbar where we always go and we know like everyone that goes there so everyone just hung out and everyone was drinking but it was really fun and I got to see my friends Jack and Casey and they are camping up there so next weekend we are probably going back up there and we are going to go stay with them because they still will be camping but it was alot of fun and I'm getting really tan.
I went and seen War Of The Worlds the other day and it was really good and one minute I was scared and then the next I started crying but I normally don't like those movies but I really liked it alot.
Friday I went to Emilys and hung out with her and Elyse and we played this game but I forgot what its called and you roll the dice and it lands on a letter and then each person has a card with a list and theres like 12 things on the list and like one of them would be a fruit so you have to write a fruit down with the letter that was rolled and at the end when the timer runs out you have to say what you got for each thing and if you have the same thing as another person then it doesn't count as a point and Emily and I kept getting the same things so we lost, it was sad, it really was hahaha.
Im re-decorating both of my rooms. I already ordered all the stuff for my moms room and the theme of it I guess you could say is surfing and I'm painting my walls pink and I haven't picked out a bedspread or anything for my room at my dads yet but I'm excited.
In August for a while I'm going to California again and I'm staying with my family in LA and I'm going to work on some acting stuff with my uncles friend Abby who works at a Talent Agency and were going to San Francisco and were also going to go to Yosemite National Park too. So I'm excited about that and I think I'm staying for a week and a half or two weeks it just depends but I love flying in planes now lol its so fun. I am sending my uncle some of my photo shoot pictures so hopefully he shows them to all his little famous friends and then some agency will want me to work for them and then I can move to California and leave this shitty place behind and then my dreams can come true. It will happen sometime.
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
I guess you could say I miss you but that doesn't matter now. It's way past mattering now. I don't think anyone really gets it. Nobody really knows the way I'm feeling right now.
2 shooting stars |
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