:: 2005 8 June :: 6.58 pm

I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.

Screamin' out for your attention. Your ignoring every single word.
A bitter taste
I can't erase
I'm fighting for
A hopeless case

Ambers here with her brother Keith and his friend Josh. I know Keith is 17/18 and I dont know how old Josh is but they are both hitting on me and it's pathetic but Keith is way hot ;) and I really think I should go to Ambers open house still.

lie awake

:: 2005 8 June :: 3.28 pm

I'm sitting here listening to my mom talk on the phone with someone and I know they are talking about me because I heard my mom say "shes a tough kid, she hasn't been taking the codeine that they gave her". Yeah they gave me drugs but I haven't been taking them just beacause the less of them I take, the faster I will feel better at the end of this whole thing and I really don't think I should get addicted to these drugs so I try not to take them even though I am in PAIN ahaha.

My pool is open and it's awesome. I went swimming and I layed out today with my sisters and my mom.

This weekend I have alot of open houses to go to but I think I'm leaving who knows--it depends on how I'm feeling but I haven't rested all day so my mom is making me go rest. how fun. <3

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 7 June :: 2.02 pm

Aww the gifts keep on rolling in. A van just pulled in the driveway and my sister was like "who is that" and I go out there and it's the flower place with more flowers for ME. My room is filled with flowers and gifts from generous people who feel bad for me and feel the need to buy me things but whatever works for them. I'm tired again. I've been up for too long. I'm going back to my bed. The O.C. is calling my name.

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 6 June :: 2.59 pm

Im home now. I haven't ate ALL day and I can't eat either so im just going to sit here and starve. sounds like a great plan.

I think im doing ok. I wasn't scared when I got there but then when they put the IV in my arm and made my mom leave I sort of got scared and then they had to put this strap thing on my arm so I wouldn't move it with the IV in it and then they put this oxygen thing over my face and all I remember saying was that I felt like I was dying and then I fell asleep and when I woke up I was in a differen't room. I have no idea about anything else and I didn't even cry. I was suprised. My dad is coming to see me tonight which is cool and all day since I've been home I've been sleeping or watching the first season of The O.C. and I feel so gross and look so pale right now but my mom is only letting me out of bed for like 5 minutes and my drugs are starting to kick in so im going to pass out any second now--so off to my bed I go.

oh and someone gave me a dozen pink roses :)

4 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 5 June :: 7.14 pm

I didn't talk to you at all. How I managed that, I have no idea?!?!

I wont wait because you wont change, you'll always be this way.

The choice is yours alone now so tell me how the story ends.

<3 ashley

lie awake

:: 2005 4 June :: 10.19 pm

I thought I didn't like him, but I was wrong. I said I didn't like him, but I was wrong again. He liked me more than a friend but I told him I never wanted to be more than friends, which now I realize is untrue. A few months ago something happened, yes and I thought we were going to be more than friends but then I pushed him away because I said that he wasn't what I wanted and I should have taken Lisas advice, she said I better make up my mind or in the end I wont have either of them which now would be pretty true but maybe I should just tell him that I like him and get it over with. I shouldn't have done what I did and then just push him away. I'm so stupid sometimes I swear but I really HAVE to say something. We are talking right now, so right now would be my chance to tell him. Oh gosh.

We are having a bonfire right now and we have people over and everyone is drinking and being all happy while im in the house because my mom wont let me go outside since my room isn't clean and I have someone coming over tomorrow. She says I have to clean it by Monday but I don't have time at all tomorrow and she wont help me put my clothes away either, I have two baskets full and it's just really messy. She came upstairs and was like "this is disgusting". I have clothes and shoes in the hallway by my room..it all leads up to the mess and then I had like 13 cups that I never brought down and then I had orange juice that turned into mold. It's gross but she pretty much is locking me in my room but shes outside right now so nobody knows I'm online.

Monday is going to be dreadfull. I am scared of being put to sleep. I've never had to be put to sleep and now im afraid that I might not wake up or something. I have no clue but it's going to hurt like hell when I wake up and I'm probably going to start bawling too. It should be rough but worth it in the end I guess.

Jess, we are going to have so much fun if we go and I PROMISE you I wont scare you anymore lol and I promise you our plane will make it there and we will be safe and we will have a blast. I can't wait! I <3 you!!

but I am going to clean my room. sounds fun. lots of it.

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 4 June :: 12.36 pm

Kevin called me this morning and told me Kamie had her baby at 10:30 last night I believe and we think she named the baby Kelsey Rose but I'm not exactly sure. I think I'll go see her with Kevin or Danielle sometime today maybe or sometime soon.

lie awake

:: 2005 4 June :: 12.50 am

I can't believe I said that. I didn't mean it.

Tonight was wild. I did some things I never thought I would do but it was fun and crazy to say the least.

lie awake

:: 2005 3 June :: 7.23 pm

I swear I never meant for this.

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 3 June :: 10.34 am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: untitled-simple plan

lie awake

:: 2005 2 June :: 8.05 pm

Well it's summer now and that makes me happy. My uncle invited me to my cousins adoption party but it's on June 19th and I'm not going to fly to California for only one day because this whole month I'm busy almost everyday so I don't think I'm going to go for the party but oh well.

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with my friends and then I'm going to hang out with Lisa. It's going to be awesome.

Yesterday I made my mom cry and I didn't even mean too. I just brought something up that happened that I shouldn't have and she cried, and then I cried. It was sad.

I'm still thinking about the whole moving thing but I'm not sure. It would be nice just for the summer but I'm not sure I have to talk to my parents about it first and actually have a reason why I want to move but we'll see, they might let me.

I think we get our comptuter back tomorrow but Im not sure. We haven't had it since last thursday but I wont be able to go on it very long anyways but I have to leave now, everyone is waiting for me.

CYA BITCHES<3 ASHLEY***

lie awake

:: 2005 1 June :: 6.30 am

Jenna: No I don't hate you and that wasn't even about that so next time we talk I will tell you what it's about and I still have my guess so do I still get a chance to guess because my guess hasn't changed yet. I really want to guess. I have something to tell you but I can't tell you on here. What I wrote had NOTHING-- to do with what you think it does, believe me.

Omg today is the LAST day of school. I just wanted to sleep in this morning so bad you have no idea but I can tomorrow. I think I'm going to Lisas this week, but I need to go get ready for school.

4 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 31 May :: 7.47 pm

I just talked to Lisa on the phone for 40 minutes and now I'm talking To Brittani Hudson. We just laugh at how dumb you really are. This summer is going to be so awesome just wait.

Today is the best day ever!

lie awake

:: 2005 30 May :: 9.11 pm

I went and seen The Longest Yard tonight, it was good and Britt Hudson was there.Then I came home and my parents best friends came over and they have two boys, Spencer and Riley and then their daughter Kayleigh. She is so cute she talked to me for hours lol. It was really fun though since they never actually come to our house or we go to theirs because my parents and their parents go out to eat almost every Wednesday but they leave us kids at home. How nice of them.

My step dad took our computer to get fixed and we'll get it back this weekend so that sucks and I'm on my parents computer right now and it doesn't even have msn or aim or anything so I'm just writing in here and I'm not even allowed on it but I lied and said I had to type/print something for school. What a liar I am lol.

I think I have a crush on him

but I have to go study for my math exam and get off the computer before I get caught.

<3 aShLeY

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 30 May :: 3.54 pm

i fucking hate you now and i hope you know that.

Waking up from this nightmare. Hows your life? What's it like there? Is it all that you want it to be? Does it hurt when you think about me?

I don't know why I'm even calling, I told myself I was through with falling, right now I'm running from these thoughts of you.

lie awake