The Heart Beat Of A Lost Fox

1 Beat(s) Stopped | Stop My Beating Heart

:: 2011 6 December :: 2.02am

DJ Cupps in the mix... rockin the 1's and 2's

1 Beat(s) Stopped | Stop My Beating Heart

:: 2011 28 November :: 11.30pm

Well... now that there's a hole in my door I think moving out is the only option I have.

spud	:: 2011 28 November :: 1.47pm Damn You Auto Correct i get an unexpected day off, and this is what i'm doing. feels good to laugh, though. 2 Beat(s) Stopped \| Stop My Beating Heart

spud

:: 2011 27 November :: 4.16pm

so, friday didn't go very well. i still enjoyed myself, to a certain extent, but it definitely did not go like i had hoped. i just have too much faith in people being open-minded. i really need to learn to keep my trap shut, because not everyone is as accepting of differences as i am. or as tolerant of stupid shit.

--------------

thursday was fine. there was food. the lions lost. my family sat around. the highlight of my evening was playing liar's dice with the alspaugh guys.

last night was fairly epic, if uneventful.

and i got my scooter fix for the weekend. so that's good.

:: 2011 26 November :: 1.01am

Seriously?
Wow. Just...wow. This totally just broadsided me.

I hate fb so much at times. Most the time.
This is one of them.

A picture of the person I like(read: Im trying not to like) with someone who was a friend online entitled "ha".

Hows that for a big "Fuck you" moment? I feel insulted, jealous, irate, and put-off. How can I not?

Im angry that the plan changed, that things between us changed, and now this...

"Nails in the coffin" of the issue is how I feel about the you and these issues. I get riled up about this whole thing very easy because of my current mental state. Its very low fyi. Though in my defense being alone all the time can do this do a person.

Im so cynical all the time and thinking every ones out to cut me down. Today Im right. Today I am being cut down and someone is trying to push my buttons.

Can I curl up in a ball now? Id love to do that about now.

6months ago, I pictured this going so much differently. Now that Im here I want to rewind the tape, give the middle finger to it all, and just move on.

1 Beat(s) Stopped | Stop My Beating Heart

:: 2011 25 November :: 12.54pm

Thanksgiving was good with the exception of the reffing in the lions game. What the fuck was that? I guess if Aaron Rodgers can't actually produce the yardage to get to the red zone you have to give it to him.

whatever.

Other then that everything is gravy :)

I dont' think I've ever been this full in my life.

Is someone really going to hire me?

:: 2011 24 November :: 10.59am

Fuck holidays.

Im mad that you havent come to vie for my attention! Grr! I hate it.

I need to fix this, but I cant myself to have the words on how to do that.

Whats worse is that even if I do fix this, will it be fixed so I dont keep wallowing in that strange territory that you put me into.

Do you even understand my side of things in the slightest? Do you even try to understand my side?

shannonw55

:: 2011 21 November :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: Nicki Minaj

HAHAHAHAHA

PSHHH! HAHAHAHA

:: 2011 21 November :: 7.18am
:: Music: Margrot & The Nuclear So and So's- Broadripple is Burning

30-36hrs
Patient realizes hes stupid. This was a dumb decision. How could I ever have you think this is more than just me being dumb?

But how else can I get you to show me that you actually cared? At all.

I wish I had cameras everywhere all the time, so I know how you reacted after I left. This would be easier if I knew that.

:: 2011 20 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Xx - Crystalized

24hrs
Here we are. 24 hours later. I felt like shit all damn day. My phone is filling up with saved drafts of text messages I want to send.

Now that Ive made the choice I feel I made the wrong one.

I feel like I should have taken the skype, msn, and computer problems as a better sign. 30minutes of skype video crashing my system and then moving to another computer only to have the same problem.

Its eating at me like a cancer. I feel like Ive just thrown away the only good friend I had left. I want to break something, shout, go nuts, and just generally make it feel better.

To top it off I never got to say half of what I wanted. Which is that if she can show me what I am, what I mean to her...Id be so much more at ease. Or so I hope.

So Marley, if you happen by this place. Show me you care. Show me why. Help me understand things. I miss you. I need you.

-----------------------------
I feel like shit and I only have 1 day of work between me and at least a weeks worth of days off. Im going to be sinking to depths I havent seen before without her.

I litterally have no one to lean on.

I have plenty of people I can talk to. Online gamer "friends", mtg "friends", coworkers I get along with...short list...
None of which want to hear my woes or have advice to enrich my life. None to actually be there for me.
I need friends. No. I need good friends. Friends who would go out of there way for me. And me for them.

No wonder Im alone.

Which brings me to the best(worst) part of all this. I still have my id/ego/superego issue looming over my head. I have self perspective on the situation like I live in third person.
Ya, I talk to myself.
Im crazy.
Can you blame me for being this way if all Ive ever had in life is people pick on me?
Yup I blame others.
I wont say I do not have short comings, but holy shit I was given a raw deal here.

No goals.
No friends.
No love.

Happy Holidays, am I right?

:: 2011 20 November :: 2.03pm

so... I switched cuts last night for some cash to get out early, hopped on the metro, and made my way downtown to some club with only letters and numbers in the name trying to sound hip (tr 5768 or cb 12 12 or pg 3030 or something like that).

I danced my ass off (what little I had). I got in there and I was greeted immediately by a beautiful girl of the Peruvian persuasion, three shots of tequila, and a group of nice people. 3 hours later... all the stress and problems and worries and frustrations I seemed to have had are gone, rendering yesterdays post pointless. :) Funny how shitty dance music can do that.

except for the room mate thing. That's still on. They've been trying to not be so abrasive but I feel as though I've already made up my mind. This morning after Diana left, I went back to sleep only to be awoken by the sounds of sex coming through the vents. I've owned it up to a bad living situation at this point, because I can't really hate on that.

Advantages of new apartment:

~$100 less a month
bigger room that isn't next to the door that opens like a vault at fort knox
bigger kitchen and living room area
better room mates

My new room mates are both girls, however. We're all currently in a relationship of 4 months - 2 years so that's not really an issue, I've just never really lived with a girl other than my mom (who doesn't count). I'm both curious and mortified at the prospect. largely worried about shower time, but they aren't necessarily the "get really gussied up every day like we're going out" type.

so... next step is find a new job. wish me luck.

:: 2011 20 November :: 12.12am

Deed
The deed is done. Ive laid out my story. I said I need a break. How long this lasts I dont know.

What I glean from the conversation on her end is nothing. She has zero understanding of where Im coming from.

I feel like shit.
Because I cant communicate better.
Because I couldnt help her understand my viewpoint
Because I cant be more thorough in my efforts
Because Im not stronger

I want to know how this effects you. I want to know how your dealing with this now that were done talking tonight. I want to know that you show remorse, that you show any emotion. I want to know that you think I meant something.

What was it that I mean? Tell me.

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.12pm

We havent spoke in the last 40 hours. Shes called 3 times. Once after I left, just before the last post, and then again 2 times this morning. I didnt answer any one of the calls. I want her to to reach out more. If she cares, if she understands what shes doing to me then she will try harder.

When we talk next I plan to take the issue up with her. Ill be asking her what I mean to her. What I am to her. Ill be making sure she understands how hard this is. She needs to show me these things. If she truly cares, she will do that too.

I cant just be a friend whos there when its convenient. I cant be that guy who you throw comments that lead me on at. I dont and wont do that. Stop doing this to me! Gah!

Ive said it once, Ill say it again. Im at a certain place in my life where I need something more than a friend.

4 Beat(s) Stopped | Stop My Beating Heart

:: 2011 19 November :: 3.25pm

alright, so more detail....

Basically, when I came back from Japan I was living with my mom for the time being and didn't really have any friends outside of work.That's when I decided to fill my schedule with nothing but work.

Now, I live on my own and have a girlfriend whom I'd like to see on occasion. I DO get to see her usually twice a week, but she's in school and by the time our friday hangout date rolls around she's so exhausted all she wants to do is sleep. I on the other hand, have been sleeping all week and want to go out.

This week, I got a drunk phone call from her on thursday around 2 in the morning. She was too exhausted to really "hang out" or do whatever yesterday, and now that I have to work until midnight tonight she's going out with all her friends. I mean... I'm not upset that she's going out without me, but she had planted the idea in my head and I thought we were going somewhere other than inside on friday.

but of course she was too tired to really even have a conversation with me.

Also notable, when she goes out... she looks good, and she's fun to dance with. I haven't really had an opportunity to combine those two things at once. Usually she comes over on saturdays anyway, but she's been out and has taken the heels off and only wants to sleep because we both have to work early on sundays.

I feel like this should be the other way around, or at least that's what I've been told my entire life.

I am a glorified body pillow at the moment.

I'm sure this will change in the future as I get a new job hopefully within the next few months, and I'm positive it's not that she doesn't WANT me there, but damnit I'm getting frustrated and I don't know how to quell it.

I wouldn't be so frustrated if I didn't like her so much. She's really bright, I enjoy hanging out with her, tri-lingual, and has an ass that (as I've said before) is claimable on your taxes as a dependent.

What also doesn't help is that my room mates suck and keep me up all night. This has put me on a weird schedule and they are stressing me out, and I"m sick of my job that makes me work only the days I can see anyone outside of work.

I'm moving out in the next month and that's stressing me out as well.

I have finished re-doing the resume I've lost, including recontacting all of the references I've had, and for the most part looking at it I'm not the worst candidate in the "to be" place for my field.

I just feel like I"m getting the raw deal, and I want a break from stress.

advice? how does one be patient and motivated at the same time?