::
2010 13 July :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: BnL - Bank Job
life barrels on.
being single is not all it's cracked up to be. i know i'm pathetic, but it's just really nagging at me a lot lately. but at the same time, it's not good to be desperate. that would be a good way to rush into something ill-advised. i figure if i'm gonna be in a relationship, i would want it to be one worth having, and worth taking the time to do it properly. not that there's a rulebook on how those things work or anything, but i do know that it at least takes time and energy to cultivate something lasting. i feel like i'd probably prefer something with more longevity over something of a fling. even though the fling is less daunting, and could be lots of fun in the short haul.
but enough about that. i can't help but notice that a lot of my good friends keep moving away. which is fine, i'm very happy for them. but it makes me want to get the fuck outta here in a quick hurry. not that i'ma run off to japan or anything, but i really want to do something, ANYTHING to break up the monotony.
get a fucking job, you hippie.
which reminds me, i do have work tomorrow and thursday. hopefully that'll mean some gas in the truck, and maybe some grocery money for chuckles.
the drum lessons have been fun thus far, but i'm not sure how well i'm doing as an instructor, and they're definitely not breaking the bank. eh, whatevs. at least it's something.
oh, other exciting update! i was at becca's saturday night (well, sunday morning) and thrashed my foot pretty good on an angle bracket. considering how deep it is, it doesn't hurt too badly, and i've been fairly diligent about keeping it cleaned out and putting antibiotic ointment on it, but it's still not healing up any too quickly. it's a pain in the ass because it's right on my heel. i have this irrepressible tendency to walk on it. maybe i'll take pictures and post them up for funzies. evidence that i'm a dumbass and a klutz.
why is it that friends just make me sad? or I feel broken because I am just all alone.
In other non whining about how my friends make me depressed news... apparently August 7th we (and by we, I mean my graduating class) are having a 5 year beach party. I like how it is not really official and I am invited through facebook. Maybe I'll sit on the beach here in Kenosha staring out at Lake Michigan thinking... Wow has it really been 5 years? I don't need to go home to see all those people. Most of the people I care enough to keep tabs on are facebook friends, and I wasn't much wanted or needed 5 years ago, so I think I can wait another 5 years to go and see that crowd anyways.
Mike is thankfully enjoying his new job and left for a 24 hour trip to pick up 3 ppl to bring back to WI tomorrow.
The suck thing is that as always I am left alone.
Being a cooped up bitch must just be the life. Although, you would think with how social I can be professionally, I would have more friends. Funny how it works, that the rest of the time I am just a wall flower, with nothing and no one.
Today is the second day of my graduate class. I really like this class and I am one of four undergraduates, the others are teachers and a graduate students in creative writing.
I'm role playing Longinus tonight and I am prepared and ready to go! He is all about the sublimity of poetry and literature.
Working out is going great and I feel like a totally different person!
"Fear profits a man nothing,The Skin of our lives was woven by the All-Father long ago.Run from your fate if you will,hide in a hole,you will not live a moment longer.Running will only make you die tired."
Summer Session one is done! I earned an A in biology 240 and it put my gpa up .01 to 3.77. Whateve. I start English 535 in a week and a half, but the prof already has us started with stuff. I have three days off next week and I'm sure that I'll be in the library for a while.
It's so weird to think that one year from now I could possibly be somewhere other than Michigan training for Teach for America, or I could be entering my second semester as a graduate student. Weird. Weird.
It's nice having some semblence of a day off. I don't work until six tonight, so I'm going to get up, eat, do some tae bo, bake some cookies, and just hang out with Rueben until I have to leave.
ya know considering that I am 23 I should not be having petty arguments with my mom. I am so sick of being blamed for her finances I could just smack her.
I as an only child, should be able to expect some help with buying clothes. Oh wait... I had to buy my own shit in high school, why the fuck would I get help now.
I am fed up with not having appropriate clothes for the season and even more annoyed that I am constantly having to get clothes that my friends are getting rid of, and then keeping them forever, just because I constantly am unable to get any clothes for myself. I really wish I had the gumption in high school that I have now... but it's prolly good I didn't, or I would have been in a lot of fights.
I am not spoiled! I have to work for what I want/ need. And considering that everyone thinks my parents are rich just because we have a jewelry store... wake the fuck up and smell the roses. The only people who seem to buy gold these days are place who are selling it to china. And people buying 9karat or less stamped goods coming from china with.... *drumroll please*... unregulated markings!
People keep buying crap that is marked totally wrong. What happened to trade regulation, and pride in work? What happened to honesty? We are living in an era where it is so difficult to find any of the things we ought to have. Decency is gone... for the most part. I am sick of living in a world where it feels like I am the only one who cares.
What's worse is Mike doesn't even want to understand. I feel totally fucking alone. I should probably be used to that by now... since it's just about all i've felt for the last 10 years.
I finally finished the first draft of my writing sample for graduate school. It's titled _Sister, Where Art Thou?_ and is a combination of feminist criticism, feminist theory, and historical christian texts. Basically, it investigates the question of why there are so few women writers and why, when women writers do first prominently appear in literary circles in the nineteenth century, they were faced with the fracturing of their "womanly" personality and their "authorial" personality. The great thing about it is that I'm sure I can expand on it and perhaps it might be a direction for my eventual thesis.
I purchased a tae-bo dvd yesterday with the intention of attempting it this morning. I've managed to stay at the same weight since my surgery and even bought a new bathing suit yesterday-a size 12. It's definitely odd to eat, be full, and not feel like I'm going to puke. I find myself being a lot less crazy about food and it's definitely a MUCH healthier relationship. I eat what I want, when I want-but I don't eat if I'm not hungry, and I still can't eat that much because of my stomach size. I'm okay with that, though. I can eat a hotdog (with bun) or almost all of fajita size taco in one sitting. It's wonderful!
I'm editing a novel for pay this week. It's going well, and is probably something I would consider doing freelance during graduate school if I can find the work.
A Year Passes
Beyond the porcelain fence of the pleasure garden,
I hear the frogs in the blue-green ricefields;
But the sword-shaped moon
Has cut my heart in two.
-Amy Lowell, March 1917
I feel like I've been run over by a truck
I don't care much about anything
I'm happy to sing
I'm lacking the passion to do anything
I feel like I've been run over by a truck
I don't care much about anything
So give me a ring
And tell me to wake up and do anything
