so i'm bailing this town--or/tearing it down--or/probably more like hanging around...
That Aimee Mann song hit me today on the way to my lab meeting, along with the beginning of the last verse:

"And all that I need now
is someone with the brains and the know-how
to tell me what I want"

Today was a good day, but after its effects have worn out, I feel as if I'm close to another uphill battle. Life feels like a chore as of late; funny considering how little I have to do. There's many reasons why I might not be deriving any joy from life as of late, but if can be simplied by merely stating that I'm not allowing myself to.

Not giving up quite yet:
"There is truth, old friend, if that's all you seek. But there's no justice or judgment, without which truth is a vast dead hollow... Awaken the sleep of reason and fight the monsters within and without."
- Deep Throat, "The Blessing Way"

I can knock him 'cause he's dead.
A few things before I unleash these results:
1) Frued was a numnut that offered virtually nothing to the field of psychology. His psychosexual stages are nothing more than an amusing postulation and fodder for Trivial Pursuit questions and Introductory Psych courses around the country.
2) Psychoanalysis is a scam and IMHO can actually be determential to a client. How can you state that you helped someone with no way of proving it. I. need. data.
3) They say "bad press" is still press.
4) This test was still amusing...

This is me, coming clean with myself... I'm lonely. Not a desperate type of loneliness, but instead a sort of inert and serene loneliness. I feel like a sponge that's temporarily dried out, sitting in the bottom of the sink, patiently waiting to be used again. It's strange how this loneliness affects my reactions to situations that are most definitely not lonely. Visits and days out feel strangely comforting and yet ultimately fleeting, not compeletely hollow yet somehow not all-encompassing. Sometimes it feels like I haven't been living my life, as if I've found myself in someone else's shoes. But then again, the differences between here and there are night and day.

When I break the monotony of my rountine, each day here seems like such an adventurous undertaking. There's so much to explore and discover, and it engages me so completely that it almost acts like a drug, whether the high is good or bad.

I discovered a new movie theater fairly close to my campus that has absolutely unbeatable prices for this city. $5.75 for a matinee and $9 for an evening. On the bus ride there, I found the first Kohl's and Arby's I've seen since I've been down there. I took the time to indulge both and it was all a sublime diversion of a day, satisfying a taste of back home until I make it back there next month.

It was a beautiful day out today.

Steve. kills. me.
There were times today, hanging out with Steve, that I actually had to stop dead in my tracks and kneel down to compose myself and stop my head from going splat. Some quotes from the day:

(after a random commercial for JCPenny or something) Steve: "I don’t want to be racist, but why are black people building a snowman in front of a white girl’s house?"

(sad and dejected while playing Tecmo Super Bowl. Best. game. ever.) Me: "Sometimes I wish I had more than 4 plays to choose from..."

(completely out of the blue on the way to the subway, in regards to The Godfather) Steve: "You know Sonny wouldn't have died if he had had EZPass."

(considering our options after arriving late to a sold-out Walk The Line) Steve: "Let's score some weed."

Finally, let's play Name That Quote. Five, count 'em five, arbitrary points to who tells me who said this first: "We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One of them is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for m’shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what we called Shelbyville at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. ‘Gimee five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah. The important thing is that I had an onion tied to my belt—which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. All you could get was those big yellow ones…”

I'M JENNIFER GARNER!!!
OK, network television, let's see how your attempts to convince me to cancel my cable subscription are going:

The Simpsons - Continuing to bore me, for the most part, and becoming less and less relevant as the seasons pass. Let's put a kibosh on this and get to the movie already.
Family Guy - One of the few rays of light in all this mess, being brought back and all, but then again, it's never been a show I couldn't live without if I needed to.
American Dad - I was starting to get into it, but the two parter over sweeps has turned me off again. I've decided tonight it's to be a casuality of my current rage at the network system.
Arrested Development - Denial abound here for me. I refuse to accept until I read "the article" that seals the deal. Until then, the fate of the (my) universe hangs in the balance. And am I the only person who read that they had to halt production because Jason Bateman was having vocal troubles? That's got to be the explanation, right? RIGHT?!
Kitchen Confidential - Waiting for the ax to fall here as well. Seriously, all I want is the Michael Vartan episode. Please, for all that is decent in the world, give me that.
Prison Break - Entertaining and all, but the conspiracy plotline makes me want jam a spork in the writer's forehead. Seriously, this is one time I fully authorize ripping off the X-Files. Anyway, the "fall season" (whatever the fuck that means) is over in two weeks, paving the way for 24 (which better be the best season yet to make up for all this other BS that I'm having to put up with).
My Name Is Earl - Dropped from my list. How could anything with Jason Lee in it be so completely unfunny. Big disappointment.
The Office - Yeah, it's getting real good (aside from Tuesday's episode), but how long is it going to last? The moment I truly commit to it, the moment they take it away.
House - Gguh. Is it possible that you can make Season 2 available for DVD right now? Plus, it's achieved a balance of anonymity and commercial success that I wish upon every show I watch.
Boston Legal - After a rocky start, it's starting to get back on track, but it's still relative fluff. Alas, I can never say no to Shatner and Spader again... and how the hell did I miss the flamingos?! And who knew Candice Bergen could be entertaining, suave, and even a little sexy? (Yeah, go ahead, have a field day with that one.)
Lost - How could a show with so much potential spin its wheels so much? Oh, and by the way, I don't give a flippin' fuck what happened to the other set of survivors. You barely get to see a character once every month without adding another 6 of 'em! Can we start voting people off now? It's just so inconsistent: it's either exciting as hell or I'm staring at the clock at 9:58 wondering what the hell I watched for an hour? Solution: reformat it into a island talk show and rename it The Terry O'Quinn Show. I'd watch that shit.
Alias - Arrested Development aside, the most consistently entertaining program so far this season. Rachel Nichols and Balthazar Getty: talk about breathing in some fresh air. And Sark?! Next week?! The only way that would be cooler is if I hadn't already read about it. (Grumble grumble... stupid articles.) One complaint: STOP. MOVING. IT. Last year: Wednesday @ 8pm. This year: Thursday @ 8pm. Next week (and until they feel like fucking with me again): Wednesday @ 10pm. Oh, and Jennifer Garner, release the offspring already, you are much better to look at without it.
Night Stalker - ::heavy sigh:: No more. I'm ambivalent: it was entertaining (and with Alias preceding it, it was the night of TV I most looked forward), but the myriad of X-Files rip-offs, even if they came straight from the source, was really starting to trouble me. I suggest a DVD double feature: The Inside and Kolchak. They could call it: Derivative X-Files Deliciousness (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Enjoy Being Fucked In the Ass by Network Television).

Yeah, I can't top that and I'm out of shows, so I'll stop there. Started out at the beginning of the season with 13 shows, as of this writing, I'm down to 8 (if you consider 24 subbing in for Prison Break, which I do, so you should to). ::sigh:: Back to season 2 of X-Files to remind me of the good ol' days.

Tonight's AIM highlights
TaoMan1121 (6:52:35 PM): that's cool. who'd you end up going with?
Leeder5421 (6:53:04 PM): my friend steve
TaoMan1121 (6:54:55 PM): i'm beginning to realize that EVERYONE has a friend steve
Leeder5421 (6:57:37 PM): but of course

Franz1939 (6:46:58 PM): oh NS mIXHFN ns MixhifN ARrw EW Vxk ro vXK, ew qw fonn Qrxh vorh>
Franz1939 (6:47:02 PM): oops
Franz1939 (6:47:29 PM): i was watching tv but my hands were off the home keys
TaoMan1121 (6:47:59 PM): that is funny as hell

TaoMan1121 (6:38:22 PM): did you know that?
Dana21x (6:38:25 PM): ::sigh::
Dana21x (6:38:35 PM): no jason. i did not.
TaoMan1121 (6:38:37 PM): what does THAT silence mean? :-)
Dana21x (6:38:44 PM): silence always = hate.
Dana21x (6:38:47 PM): got it?
TaoMan1121 (6:39:46 PM): well, hatred could stem from me knowing something that you don't (in the case of previous example) OR something that you know that i don't know that you think that i should know but i don't know but you think that i'm an idiot for not knowing.
TaoMan1121 (6:39:54 PM): ::takes a bow::

Mmm... I love my timestamp.

(edit 10:52pm) Can't forgot Joe! Actually we can, because he lives in Wisconsin... but here's a snippet of our conversation anyway!

mbenznut (10:34:03 PM): Eh, I was taking my exam during the episode and switching attention back and forth.
TaoMan1121 (10:34:25 PM): no excuses!
mbenznut (10:34:45 PM): Come do my Quality Tools class then.
TaoMan1121 (10:35:57 PM): lmao, you have a class called "quality tools"
TaoMan1121 (10:36:04 PM): sounds like a menards brand

Maybe Poulson was right... decision making is reinforcing.

I just bought two tickets to Nellie McKay at the Mercury Lounge here in NYC. Face value = $18... what a delicious ticket price.

I. can't. wait.

(edit 8:59pm) It's a simple realization, but one that is not lost on me. There are two things that I have to live with: my issues and the world around me. Everything starts there.

(Joe, you'll appreciate this.)
Fuck Best Buy and fuck BestBuy.com.

My dad got me the ninth season of X-Files for my birthday, but he bought it online back in May when it was on sale for super-cheap. Anyway, I obviously just got it last week when my birthday rolled around. It was "damaged," at least by my defintion. The box was pretty dinged up and a good number of the spokes that hold the DVDs in were broken. Had my Dad sent me the receipt and went to the Rego Park BB tonight to exchange it. Basically got into a shouting match with all the fucktards there, who told me because it was purchased six months ago, they couldn't do anything for me. Please keep in mind that I HAD MY RECEIPT and all I wanted to do was an even exchange. Left there after giving it my all to get something going. Called up Best Buy.com customer service, and it took 15 minutes for the moron there to understand the problem. Common customer service complaint, but if you've had training for your job and I haven't, I shouldn't be able to do your job better than you. In the interim, I pulled out the season again and was able to convince myself that it wasn't that bad. All the discs are playable and fine condition, it's just the packaging that was pretty messed up... made worse when the cuntrag on Best Buy couldn't figure out how to get the packaging back together. (Hey whore, you fold in from BOTH sides, numnuts, not just from one!) Anyway, eventually hung up on BB.com, realizing that this was causing me more trouble than it was worth. I'll be fine with leaving things they way they are... but so help me god, if season 8 has any markings on it when I get it for X-Mas, it'll ruin my holiday.

I wanted a beer after all that, but I didn't want to go out again, so I just took a couple trays of ice and the remainders of my fifth of Smirnoff vodka and Strawberry Daq. mix, threw them in the blender, and hoped it wouldn't overflow. Now I have a lot of drinking to do.

It just brings up the point that I don't deal well with anxiety. I let stuff that doesn't really matter get to me, and while I can use relaxation techniques to stifle anger and depression without missing a beat, the task becomes so much more difficult when it comes to anxiety. Found out my Behavior Modification book for my ABA class has a chapter towards the back on Fear and Anxiety Reduction Procedures, so I'm in the process of checking that out now. I just don't understand why I'm so unwillingly to apply one of the things I believe in before all else (Behavior Analysis) to my own personal problems. The answers are all there, I just have to put forth the effort. Even the precedent is there. Summer 2003: lost quite a bit of weight. First half of 2004: became emotionally self-sustaining. It's not to say that I haven't grown more and adapted since then, but between June 2003 and June 2004, I honestly amazed myself with all the progress I made. It's that period that resulted in the amazed looks and comments I receieved from people I didn't see that often. So, I need to refuse to become comfortable, to draw upon that strength and the strength it took to make this move in the first place, and jump-start this engine. The irony is that one of the things I need to work on is not being so hard on myself and striving so relentlessly to achieve perfection within myself, to just go with the flow.

I watched The Big Lebowski over the weekend, and I thought to myself while watching The Dude, "I don't want to be him, but I do want to be more like him." On a more short-term basis though, I think tonight is a good night to get half-sloshed, order a little Chinese, and watch The Office.

I honestly don't want to feel that I'm vastly superior to a large percentage of the population. I think the majority of the people I associate with feel the same way. But it's so freakin' difficult to not feel that way when you are reminded of their complete and utter ignorance on a regular basis. Honestly though, how do these people dress themselves in the morning?

(edit 7:53pm) Ten points to the security guard at Queens Plaza, who I got into a brief X-Files watercooler discussion after he saw me inspecting my product after leaving Best Buy fuming. He casually inquired which episode was the one "with all the goo coming outta the guy's eye" and the one with "the spaceship in the desert." And that was bliss in a nutshell for me: to spend 45 minutes wading through shit just to get that one sweet breath of flesh air at the end of the tunnel.

Top 50 Movies
1) American Beauty (1)
2) Fight Club (8, +6)
3) The Truman Show (2, -1)
4) Pulp Fiction (13, +9)
5) Dr. Strangelove (5)
6) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (3, -3)
7) The Matrix (20, +13)
8) A Clockwork Orange (7, -1)
9) The Big Lebowski (22, +13)
10) The Royal Tenenbaums (11, +1)
11) Monty Python & The Holy Grail (6, -5)
12) Magnolia (9, -3)
13) Kill Bill (25, +12)
14) Amelie (---)
15) Lost In Translation (4, -11)
16) Moulin Rouge (14, -2)
17) Citizen Kane (---)
18) The Shawshank Redemption (18)
19) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (---)
20) 12 Monkeys (10, -10)
21) Run Lola Run (19, -2)
22) The Shining (28, +6)
23) The Insider (16, -7)
24) Vanilla Sky (12, -12)
25) Punch-Drunk Love (15, -10)
26) American Psycho (---)
27) The Silence of the Lambs (30, +3)
28) Young Frankenstein (35, +7)
29) Monsters Inc. (---)
30) Girl, Interrupted (38, +8)
31) Spanglish (---)
32) Collateral (24, -8)
33) South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (31, -2)
34) Philadelphia (17, -17)
35) The Hours (33, -2)
36) One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (21, -15)
37) I Heart Huckabees (---)
38) Memento (36, -2)
39) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (---)
40) Toy Story (42, +2)
41) Se7en (37, -4)
42) The Thomas Crown Affair (40, -2)
43) Garden State (23, -20)
44) The Third Man (---)
45) The Talented Mr. Ripley (43, -2)
46) Network (26, -20)
47) Donnie Darko (39, -8)
48) The Godfather (45, -3)
49) L.A. Confidential (48, -1)
50) The Blair Witch Project (49, -1)

Protect me from what I want.
Things I'm thinking about today:

- Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes earlier this week. It made my day.
- When the dust settles, I have a feeling history will show Green Day as the definitive band of my generation. If they aren't it already. More than a year later, "American Idiot" still impresses the hell out of me.
- The phrase of the day is "sphincter paralysis."
- I can't explain how much I'm fantasizing about my holiday evening flight home. Especially the minute details of it; the cold, crisp air from the cab to the terminal, the lights of the cabin set against the sea of blackness outisde, touching down.
- The holidays in this city are going to be amazing. I can't wait to see it with the same gleeful awe that accompanied my first visit here. I am going to take so many pictures.

I'm having kind of a mucky day. Things going just bad enough to be incredibly annoying but not outright crappy. Unfulfilling dentist appointment, icky weather, mostly wasted day.

Things about myself I need to address:
- Consistent assertiveness
- General anxiety (especially regarding money)
- Public speaking (better yet, speaking in a clear and concise manner)
- Filling my life with unnecessary clutter

I know I think it every time I watch it and I've sure I stated it here, but Arrested Development is the best show on television. I don't know what else there is to say, other than ask the question: Why aren't you watching it?

Quotes from Monday's episode(s):
"I hear the jury is still out on science." Gob
"Is there a cover charge?" Gay man in gay tent
"Alias is a show about a spy!" Buster
"Is Gould dead?!" Michael Scott (that one is from The Office, which also had a great epsiode tonight)

Looks like Mike Bloomberg is going to be the mayor in this neck of the woods again. I'm actually registered to vote in NY now, but I didn't feel as if I had been over here long enough to make an informed opinion. That said, I would have voted for him. Yes, I'm well aware he's a Republican, please replace your jaw to its proper position. But from what I've read and heard, it sounds like more than just an empty vessel with a few billion dollars in his pocket. I have no frame of reference to compare it to, but from what I can tell, it seems like he's done a decent job.

I still have presents from my Dad and GA, along with several cards, to open. I don't know what I'm waiting for, I think I'm trying to hold out. It's my 23rd birthday in a hour and 54 minutes, you may shower me with love now.

My life is ruled by lists.

AHH!!!
EVERYONE STOP DELETING/RESTRICTING JOURNAL ENTERIES!

PLEASE & THANK YOU!

Here's my thing...
I never realized how easy it would be to say goodbye. That got me thinking...

If I could disperse with that aspect of my life with such ease, could this thinking be applied elsewhere? Next target, my relentless need for perfection and completion. I'm quickly realizing that when it comes to school, my worst fears have been realized: my workload/program has finally passed my ability to bullshit my way through it. I realize now that from here on out I'm going to have to put my nose to the grindstone and punch this thing out. In order to survive, I'm going to have to adapt to being able to cope while doing so (AHH!!! So many prepositional phrases!!!). I've discovered that here, with no safety net and nobody holding me up (except for myself), that my old reactions, habits, and behavioral contingencies will make me miserable if I don't get them in check. They've already done so to a large extent; my current mood is much more than just a mid-term crunch. If I scale myself back quite a bit, and take this whole thing a little slower, I just might be able to make it work. You know what I feel like? I feel like a pro football rookie who, although he was the star in college, is finding that the NFL is literally a different ballgame. It's an incredibly humbling experience (i.e. I feel like an idiot most of the time), but the little man inside me suggests that it's not a bad thing (although I still want to punch him in the mouth).

The short version of this whole thing: I need to stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

I've got a tattoo that embodies my need for completion, and now I want one to signify the disarray and chaos of life. I'd like one to complement the other. Any suggestions?

Evidently, I moved to Seattle instead of New York. You can just call me "Frasier" from now on... I'm listening. 4.39 inches of rain yesterday on top of Saturday's 3.35. That brings the month to date total to 7.95, which just beat out the average of 3.26. And keep in mind we aren't even halfway through the month yet.

Alias and Kolchak tonight. Yummy.

I'm going out with Steve (VanDyke) on Sunday. Looking forward to that.

Woohu Entry #666
In honor of my wicked little milestone, I have unleased the demon Dancing Baby on the unsuspecting skaters at Rockefeller Center. Mwahahahaha! Dance little piggy, dance!



"I am Torgo, I take care of the place while the Master is away."

Scully & Mulder
Ross & Rachel
Carrie & Big
Dawn & Tim

Yippie! I have a new exemplary TV relationship to look up to. Those are always healthy. :-P Evidently, I need to buy the Office now. The Christmas special made me splooge.

In the same vein, I found this pretty interesting (third post down):
Top 50 Romantic TV Couples

Fall
I love fall. There's this sense of demise attached to it, but it also brings to mind a necessary completion of a natural cycle as well. Fall also evokes some of the strongest associations from my childhood, many of which have to do with my father. Watching football, going to open houses, seeing the leaves turn outside his house, Friday evenings spent watching X-Files, Millennium, and DS9, seeing the Shining alone for the first time alongside a cozy fire... these are all things that come to mind when I conjur up the last few months leading up to the end of the year. To me, fall has always been something dying, time dwindling down and therefore taking on a newfound sense of urgency. There's also a lot of associations with family and the holidays and Christmas has always been the apex of that climb; the first couple of months after the next year have always been a desperate, barren wasteland for me. I don't know, I think about all this stuff and I can't imagine a true existence without four seasons. For all my obessions with change and rebirth, as much as I complain about winter, I couldn't imagine being truly complete without it.

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of people voice a longing for a job and stability and family, and I have to admit, I'm starting to get drawn into it. I don't know if it's because I'm on my own or because I'm staring down the long end of this degree or if these are true feelings brought on by a newfound awareness of some sort of a biological clock, but I occasionally find myself "longing," the best word I have to describe it. As with most things in my life, there's a duality to my feelings that hamper me from ever being truly convinced of either side, so until one jumps out of its seat and starts flailing its arms to grab my attention, I continue to venture on with my established way of thinking. But I can identify some sort of important development here in the fact that I'm starting to open my eyes to the possibility. I've always maintained a gaping chasm between my current status and the thought of settling down. But then again, I'm not getting any younger...

I'm suprised by my failing need to perfectly articulate my feelings. As one point, I would've spent as much time polishing an entry like this as I would thinking it up, but now I just have this intense need to convey my feelings, using whatever means I have at my disposal.

Listmania!
Top 10 Musical Acts to See
1) Coldplay
2) U2
3) Bruce Springsteen
4) Ben Folds
5) Bob Dylan
6) Beck
7) The Killers
8) Fiona Apple
9) Franz Ferdinand
10) Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Top 10 Live Albums (that I own anyway)
1) Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense
2) Nirvana - MTV Unplugged in New York
3) Ben Folds Live
4) Sarah McLachlan - Mirrorball
5) Rod Stewart - Unplugged... and Seated
6) Dashboard Confessional - Unplugged 2.0
7) Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
8) Eagles - Hell Freezes Over
9) Metallica - S&M
10) Barenaked Ladies - Rock Spectacle

Top 10 Foo Fighters Songs
1) Everlong
2) Baker Street
3) All My Life
4) Stacked Actors
5) Monkey Wrench
6) Times Like These
7) Walking After You
8) Best of You
9) Next Year
10) For All The Cows

Said layout is done. All Fiona, all the time. (Except for the tite, which is Pink Floyd). It's not going to be a long term layout as it's too... not masculine for me. But I like it for the time being and I'm pretty proud of it. By the way, the new album is spectacular. I'd like to say that the six year wait has been worth it (it has), but doing so makes me want to cry. Stupid record label.

Fun fact of the day: Fiona Apple's "When The Pawn..." was released on my birthday back in 1999.

Nic Cage named his new child Kal-El, which happens to be the birth name of Superman. Wow. Looks like Apple has a new playmate. :-P

I find it amazing that I haven't been carded (for alcohol) in this town yet. Ironically, the only time I even got a weird look was when I was with my parents. They vouched for me; I found that cute.

I found out today that carrying four 2-liters of pop and a 18-pack of beer bottles (that's 280 fluid ounces, for those keeping score at home) even two blocks sucks. A lot. Watching my muscles spasm uncontrollably is kind of cool though.

New layout on the way tonight.

More Pics
Jeebers challenged me, so I decided I'm going to periodically post 5 random NYC pics:

Read more..

Pics!
I got a new haircut today. I like it.



Oh yeah. I have sideburns again. I like those too. :-)



And a cool new (free) poster tonight. I like that as well.



That's all.

it's not going to stop/not going to stop/'til you wise up...
I almost censored myself there. I almost did what I always do.

I'm proud of myself for not making the same mistake again. Look at me, learning and adapting!

There is a fine line you tread between making yourself happy, staying true to yourself, and respecting and loving the people in your life that you care about. Right now, I'm outside the car, walking that line with my finger to my nose, reciting my ABCs.

I've been really anxious/worried the past 24 hours, and I don't know why.

I didn't sleep last night. I dreamt. It felt like a 7-hour long waking dream.