i can't rationalize/the further i slide/i can't seem to get back to your side...
I took tests today on WebMD for depression and bi-polar. I passed with flying colors. Y'all don't know need to tell me how arbitary and non-clinical those tests are, but I'm scared, because I knew the answers before I pressed submit; I can feel it inside of me.

I'm worried that this is going to start affecting my grades.

Scratch that, that's the least of my concerns right now...

I want to develop faith. Not necessarily of the religious kind, but a belief and assurance in the unknown. I think that would be beneficial to me.

I don't know where to start, but I have a goal at least.

OK, I've got another all-play question for everyone out there in TV land:

How should we deal with the character flaws of our loved ones? Should we ignore the seemingly immobile shortcomings of our friends, family, and relationships? Should we pester them about it instead to initiate change, or do we find some happy medium between these two extremes? If so, what is that meeting point? I can't see just ignoring it as an option, because they'll never get an objective grasp on their issues from the outside, but at the same time, it is their life. Once again, interested to hear what you guys think.

So I've decided that changing your personality is like stripping wallpaper. The majority of it is a painstakingly slow process that requires patience and some elbow grease. Sometimes you are able to get a huge ol' strip of the shit off the wall and you feel like a million bucks, and other times you are there cursing that damned adhesive as you sit there pounding your putty knife against the wall. Overall though, you make the most progress when you take your time, let everything soak in long enough, and just slowly start to peal the layers back.

and love/is not an easy thing/the only baggage you can bring/is all that you can't leave behind...
So after my intensely draining night and conversation with Stef last night, I went to bed after my last entry. Woke up at 1:37 this afternoon (gotta be close to 12 hours) and I was scheduled into work at 2. Mind you, it takes me 20 minutes to get to work alone. Issues didn't leave in my slumber, as I assumed they wouldn't, and between still being tired and frayed from a rude awakening, the day didn't start off good...

Customers made it worse. Just in case any of you are planning on coming into Menards anytime soon, here are a few lessons:

1) Tinted polyurethane and stain and polyurethane in one ARE NOT the same thing, at least in my mind. Besides, why the fuck would you want your P.U. tinted? You might as well just put stain on there first, but I guess that was their idiot point in the first place.

2) If you don't like my color selection for textured finishes... go someplace else or shut your trap. I can't mix your super-special chip that you brought from Timbuktu in Brushed Seude or Granite or anything else textured because the tinting bases and the make-up of the paint are completely different.

3) The goddamn pain in the ass Tote sale only works with IN-STOCK items. You can't prepay, you can't special order, and no, I can't ship the paint you want over from the other store, you lazy fucker. I mean, if that worked, I could just buy the whole store on a picking list (whatever the hell those are, I'm still unsure) and throw it in Mr. 648-1050 and get 20.04% off EVERYTHING! Then I'd really be "saving big money," wouldn't I?

And finally,

4) Please for the love of god, don't be such a greedy, moronic, lazy prick when you come in and brighten up my day... I've got my own issues to deal with, thank you vedda much.

Anyway, tonight was "give Jason advice" night. Thanks everyone, I do appreciate all your insights, I really do.

I know I've got to let some stuff go, but in terms of relishing in my sorrows, I have cut my recovery time dramatically from previous situations like this. Oh wait, I've never really been in this position before. Even better. I just don't want to let too much go, I don't want to deny the spectacular memories that I have, as well as the not-so-great stuff. It means way too much to me to put in a shoe box and throw in the closet.

Right now, it's just about survival and keeping a grasp on reality. Everything else will surface in time.

Dashboard Confessional - The Brilliant Dance
So this is odd,
the painful realization that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lovers clothes
and burned the letters your lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our side stepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the riniging from this empty sound
is defeaning and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just to much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible,
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that your were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
well this is the last time.
This is the last time,
This is the last time.

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

last entry for today, i promise...
For perhaps the first time in my life, I'm left unsure of my ability to overcome the obstacles I now face. The mountain seems too high to climb, and it sounds more pleasant to sit in the snow and freeze to death. I feel like the protagionist of "To Build A Fire" when he finally gives up. I realize that I may find a renewed sense of optimism tomorrow. However, absolutely nothing can save me right now.

"I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong

If I don't make it, know that
I've loved you all along
just like sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong"

it's just a little bit of history repeatin'
I'm missing you bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again
And there's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever"

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
and I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
but as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone
Making out.

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.

and in a little while, we'll only have to wave...
I've tried so hard the past couple of weeks to control and condition my own actions and attitudes, but I failed to take into account the fact that I have no power over everyone else's emotions, and that the people I care about the most can still build me up or destroy me and my progress in a matter of minutes.

Eth'nAnnie - Body's Not Cold Yet
Voices in the wall echo in my head
No one returns my calls, I must be dead

The body's not yet cold and yet my friends have disappeared
The body's not yet cold but I don't think they'll shed a tear.
There's nobody here.

I wander in a daze detached from my being
``A nihilistic faze'' says the shrink that I'm seeing

The body's not yet cold, but I don't think that I'll be missed
The body's not yet cold, I swear my generation don't exist.
Is this all there is?

The body's not yet cold, still the organ donors come
The body's not yet cold, more people shout out ``Give me some!''
Where do they all come from?

Am I dying? I think you're planting flowers on my grave too quick
It's too soon.
Am I dying? From this mystery meat upon my plate, I'm sick.

I look at you and think of
Everything you've got, its everything that I want
Everything that you got, its everything that I want.
Green with jealousy. I don't want to be this way.
I look at you and think of
Everything you got, its everything that I want
Everything that you've got, its everything I want
Green with jealousy and all my friends have slipped away
There's nobody here.

The devil's in the carpool, makes a hell of a ride
When bad men take control its too late to choose sides

The body's not yet cold, but there's still money to be made
The body's not yet cold, as wallstreet plunges in another blade
You're right to be afraid.

The body's not yet cold, but there's no hope to be revived
The body's not yet cold, the apocalypse has arrived
Nobody will survive.


This hurts so goddamn much.

friendship is rare, do you know what i'm saying?
Thank you Mike for coming over. I really needed someone, just somebody to distract myself for a little while, and you came through for me tonight.

Thank you Ryan for calling me back and for understanding what I'm going through and giving me some new viewpoints to look at.

Thank you guys, and all of the other people who have been there for me in the past few weeks.

Friends are cool, m'kay.

"Beauty's only skin deep... I go all the way to the bone." Jodie Foster as Betty, Ed Kerse's "possessed" tattoo in The X-Files episode "Never Again"

I woke up yesterday realizing that I had no idea how the day would go, had no idea what to expect. Tattoo went great... Amy at the Laughing Gremiln had a great bedside manor and the artistry to back it up; everyone seems to be saying it looks a lot better than what they thought it would. I'll probably have some pics up within the next couple days. Or maybe I'll just make y'all wait until I see you next.

The other day at work, I saw myself for the first time being able to live with another girl and not have it be this scary, far-off concept, but as a much more sane and fulfilling route to go. That, and with the whole tattoo thing... I think I'm trying not to be as much of a committment-phobe; we'll see.

I have a lot to say, but my friends' issues as of late, compounded with my own, is clouding up my head.

How much am I allowed to take before I am justified in losing my grip? I came close, but I still have a grasp on the situation.

...

Oh, and I have a tattoo now.

Happy fuckin' New Year.

I'm not saying that I have the ability to turn my thoughts on and off as of yet, I'm not to that point, but I am starting to gain some control over how long and how intensely I focus on an issue. My thoughts are becoming more fluid, more instinctual, while remaining for the most part objective. I can say point A is true and the logical course of action, and without totally dismissing point B, understand that it is the more irrational answer of the two. I am also finding myself better able to find a stable, middle ground between what I believe to be true and what those around me attempt to convince me of. I listened to a good piece of advice from Mike tonight, albiet about a rather trivial matter (what to use my Best Buy gift cards on), but I found myself for once being logically convinced that I was taking the right path. I still looked back on my decision, it'll be a little while before I'll be able to dismiss that instinct totally, but everything about the process felt somewhat easier to cope with.

I know I'm right about some things, and wrong about some others, and I know the road that I'm on, where I'm at, and where I'm headed. I can take a step back and put the situation in prespective. I can look at the entire mountain now without seeing just the rocks right in front of my face. I know I will once again lose my footing and some of the progress I've made, but I also realize that I've lived enough and made enough mistakes to start learning from them and break a cycle of behavior that has dogged me for years now. You know, I think too many get the impression with me that I'm always trying to fix something, and it's a valid point that may have applied to my personality in the past, but I'm honest when I tell you the second half of this year and especially these past few months have been a honest and passionate attempt to lead myself onto a more stable, fulfillling, and ultimately more beneficial path. I mean, don't we owe it to ourselves to try and always better ourselves, to do the things that we believe will make us happy?

If I could offer one piece of advice to everyone who is struggling with their own demons right now (and I'm not out of the woods yet, so I will continue to suffer with you) it is that do not allow yourself to remain in one mindset. There are so many paths and patterns and approaches to the mind and your problems, why limit yourself to one stubborn point of view? No one has been more guilty of this than myself, and if I've been able to start to pull myself out of that pit, then there is hope for anyone. Truly listen to the advice your friends and family offer, and objectively decide whether it's epiphany material, just plain BS, or somewhere in the middle. Most fall in that middle category, and you have to piece together your own agenda out of the mess.

I still wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm just more apprehensive to roll it up now.

we're just two lost souls/swimming in a fish bowl...
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The associate at K-Mart was extremely helpful and genuine when I went there this morning. It made what I had to do just a little bit easier. Thank you for that, miss.

I have an open inquiry to any readers out there: When you are in your car, and you are jamming out to whatever the CD of choice is, do you use your own voice to sing along or do you mimic the lead singer of the band/artist and their own vocal characteristics? Please respond... inquiring minds want to know.

do you know how far this has gone?/just how damaged i have become?
I'm taking my mom's advice... she's known me the longest and the best, and she's been in my position. It's only fair.

I am a good guy.

I love you, Mom.

How can I change who I am if everyone continues to see me for who I was? How can I move on from my mistakes when I'm constantly reminded of them?

Not a challenge to anyone, but instead a question to myself...


Time to start drinking again.

I'm pathetic, but I DO love myself... that's a new one. Thank goodness for small victories.

Baby steps.

Yeah, right.

So now that life will never be the same/
We've got to face the thought of loneliness again

God, I wish there was someone around to split a pizza with right now...

he blew his mind out in a car/he hadn't noticed that the lights had changed...

I feel the same, but I'm a different person. I suppose that is worth something.

i've got my head, but my head is unravelling/can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's travelling...

Wow.

I'm addicted.

honey, all the movements you're starting to make/see me crumble and fall on my face/and I know the mistakes that I've made...
Maybe this is a test, maybe a lesson is being taught, maybe this is fate kicking me in the ass, or maybe this is just me being paranoid, but I can't help but feel we've pulled a role reversal in the past couple of days.

I'm trying, I really am, and I don't know what else to do.