"You'll get no answer from me
About what I want or what I get
Brave enough to speak afraid to see
Confuse the issue till you forget

And I've tried
To finally decide
Why
I'm in your face

And if you can't already tell
I am unable to let things go
I'm told I do it very well
But more important you should know

That all the same
You've got no one to blame
But yourself
If you call that a waste"

Michelle sits next to me in Lit. Int. class. She's cool and all. Today, she said something thought-provoking. I will share it with you. "Happiness is a choice." Never really thought of it like that. It's a nice little aphorism. I thought I would share. I already said that. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. I did. Why the short, choppy sentences? I don't know. Homework calls. Durp.

can you take it all away?...
Top 10 Scariest/Unnerving Films:
10) Arlington Road
9) Misery
8) Signs
7) Dreamcatcher
6) The Ring
5) Seven
4) The Exorcist
3) The Silence Of The Lambs
2) The Shining
1) The Blair Witch Project

same old shit, different day...
OK, well then, here's mine. If I get these all/most of these right, I will be very pissed because I didn't send my guesses into the Press this year. Oh well.

Picture: Chicago
Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis
Actress: Renee Zellweger
Supporting Actor: Christopher Walken
Supporting Actress: Julianne Moore
Director: Martin Scorsese
Adapted Screenplay: The Hours
Original Screenplay: Talk To Her
Foreign Film: Zus & Zo
Animated Feature: Ice Age
Art Direction: Chicago
Cinematography: Gangs Of New York
Original Score: Catch Me If You Can (John Williams)
Original Song: Gangs Of New York (U2)
Costume: Chicago
Film Editing: Chicago

you're a beautiful, beautiful fucked up man...
Excuse me real quick, I just need to release a few quick curse words. No real reason, just a stressful day and I need to get it off my chest and onto the chest of others. :-P

fuck shit whore motherfucker cock shit slut fuck fuck fuck damn it damn it sonuvabitch fuck fuck fuck who gives a flying fuckface donkey ass bitch slut bastard whore prostitute ass ass ass cream clit cock cock sonuvawhore fuck it all fuck shit bastard shit ass fuck

Whew... the scariest part is that that actually helped. Sorry if I offended anyone, it was not my intention. Have a peachy day!

::sings:: Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, everything that's beautiful... ::starts mumbling because he can't remember the rest of the words::

how i wish it would rain, rain down on me...
OK, hopefully we'll get some interesting responses from this one. I can think of a couple people I'm going to piss off in the process. Enjoy.

Top 30 TV Shows
1. The X-Files
2. Nowhere Man
3. The Simpsons
4. The West Wing
5. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
6. Seinfeld
7. Get Smart
8. Home Improvement
9. The Dick Van Dyke Show
10. Monty Python’s Flying Circus
11. Star Trek: The Next Generation
12. Fawlty Towers
13. Mystery Science Theater 3000
14. The Muppet Show
15. South Park
16. Boomtown
17. Roseanne
18. Inspector Gadget
19. 24
20. Gun
21. Whose Line Is It Anyway? (UK Version)
22. NewsRadio
23. Mr. Bean
24. Sports Night
25. Beavis & Butthead
26. Millenium
27. The Cosby Show
28. Ally McBeal
29. Cheers
30. Rocky & Bullwinkle

Honorable Mentions: The Prisoner (haven't seen enough episodes to add it to the list yet), Saturday Night Live (I think of it as more of an institution than a show), and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (just because).

there's got to be a way to make it sweeter, a little more like lemon meringue...
Holy crap, what a great day... I'm going to bed before anything tarnishes it. Hell, who knows, maybe it'll even carry over to tomorrow. 'Night all.

"the show is over - close the storybook
will be no encore
and all the random hands that i have shook
well, they're reaching for the door
i watch the backs as they leave single-file
you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

i know i can be colorful
i know i can be grey
i know this loser's living fortunate
cause i know you will love me either way

most were being good for goodness sake
but you wouldn't pantomine
you are more beautiful when you awake
than most are in a lifetime
through the haze that is my memory
you stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

i know i can be colorful
i know i can be grey
i know this loser's living fortunate
cause i know you will love me either way

look ahead as far as you can see
we live in drama but we'll die in a comedy

i know i can be colorful (when you live in black and white)
i know i can be grey (my colors fade away)
i know this loser's living fortunate
cause i know you will love me either way"

So I just got out of my Literary Interpretation class; today we were discussing music as an art form. We were all supposed to bring in a CD and play a song from it that really spoke to us. I forgot about the assignment, but I had brought The Verve Pipe along with me today to listen to anyway, so it worked out. I choose the above song because it was one of my favorites on the disc, and probably the most poetic. And after we listened to it, my instructor had me explain why I had chosen it. After that, we discussed it some more, and some of the stuff I brought up as well as things the rest of the class said really opened up my eyes to some new interpretations of the song, more than I had already came up with. It's a song that explains who I am, my personality, the mood I've been in lately, my previous relationships, as well as the one I'm in now. All that in four minutes. Some songs come along at just the right moment; it's almost like they find you.

Related Tangent: We also discussed rap being the most poetic of all the musical genres, and the case was rather convincing. I think that a lot of the current stigmas about rap arise from the misconception that all the songs about are about "blunts, 40s, and bitches." Of course, there are bad forms of this "poetry," but that is the case for any art form or genre. But the act of rapping itself ties so strongly into the conventions of poetry. I think that's one of the reasons I enjoy "8 Mile" more every time I see it; the importance of words and how they can have such a profound effect. I don't know, I just think not enough people give it a chance or can't listen past the cursings, the bass, etc. I hated Eminem until I actually listened to "Stan" and realized that there was something more to it.

Another Related Tangent: After class, I was walking back, and encountered an anti-war demonstration along the way. Something about the whole experience left me with such a surreal feeling. I don't know, just the way the speakers spoke with such convinction, the scattered veterans, the picket signs, the sense of unity among the demonstrators, it all had a movie-like feel to it. It took me back to the stories from my father and to films like "Born on the 4th of July." As I took it all in, the parallelism of the situation with Vietnam scared me, but at the same time left me with a feeling of purpose, to suggest in some way that we were there for a reason. I stood there listening for a few more minutes, and at the same time, I was drew into a perfectly mundane conversation to the other side of me that dealt with nothing of importance; plans for the weekend or something like that. I stood there, totally transfixed by the juxtaposition of the two, until someone yelled out my name and broke me from my trance. It was all very trippy and as I sit here thinking about the experience, I'm getting this weird headache with a side of transcendentalism, so I'm going stop now.

Whew, I feel a bit better now. Here's a list, do with it what you will. It's a doozy...

Top 50 Movies
1. American Beauty
2. The Truman Show
3. Fight Club
4. The Shawshank Redemption
5. Magnolia
6. Philadelphia
7. Vanilla Sky
8. Pulp Fiction
9. 12 Monkeys
10. Monty Python & The Holy Grail
11. The Matrix
12. The Silence Of The Lambs
13. Run Lola Run
14. Moulin Rouge
15. Dogma
16. Being John Malkovich
17. Dr. Strangelove
18. The Big Lebowski
19. The Insider
20. Seven
21. The Shining
22. Memento
23. South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut
24. L.A. Confidential
25. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
26. The Royal Tenenbaums
27. Saving Private Ryan
28. Adaptation
29. American History X
30. Punch-Drunk Love
31. Chasing Amy
32. The Lion King
33. The Graduate
34. Girl, Interrupted
35. Toy Story
36. The X-Files
37. A Clockwork Orange
38. The Sixth Sense
39. Casablanca
40. The Blair Witch Project
41. Boogie Nights
42. Young Frankenstein
43. Clerks
44. Chicago
45. Citizen Kane
46. The Thomas Crown Affair
47. Shakespeare In Love
48. Arlington Road
49. The Godfather
50. The Usual Suspects

Questions, comments, concerns, omissions? You know where to post 'em.

oh allison, i know this world is killing you...
I feel like everything is up in the air. I need something to soothe me, calm me down...

I need to make a list. Hold on, I'll be back in a few.

You know, I was just taught that if you have a problem with someone, you talk to them about it. Be direct. Don't beat around the bush and be spiteful, it accomplishes absolutely nothing and makes the other person less likely to work with you. Jeez, it's common sense. I mean, I may not be the most direct person you've ever met, and I may sugarcoat things to protect people's feelings, but if I have a serious problem with someone, I talk to them and try to work it out. I mean, talk to me, and I'd probably understand and be willing to work with you about it. I'm not a mind-reader; if I don't hear anything from you, I assume that nothing is wrong.

I understand almost every person on this floor, but I don't get them.

A vacation would be nice right about now. Leeder, let's leave the state when school's done. I need a break.

"I know it shouldn't vex me,
I shouldn't take it hard,
I should ignore their capering
With a kingly disregard.

But, look at all those idiots,
Ooh, look at all those boobs.
Is it any wonder, that I'm singing,
Singing the blu-u-ues.

I shouldn't grow unsettled
When faced with such abuse.
I shouldn't let it plague me,
I shouldn't blow a fuse.

But, look at all those idiots,
Ooh, look at all those boobs.
Is it any wonder, that I'm singing,
Singing the blu-u-ues."

Man, what a night. What is it about Thursdays?

And I'm spent with this place.

"Smithers: Take me home, sir.
Burns: I'm trying."

I'm not following my own advice yet... still need to calm the fuck down. Oh well, I am figuring out more about myself than I had not previously tapped into, so that's a good thing.

There, I feel a bit better.

"Burns: I feel like I got a few things off my chest,
and onto the chests of my inferiors."

Here's a brand spanking new list hot off the presses. I finished it in class today as opposed to paying attention; I'm sure it was a wise decision. I'll shut up now...

The 30 Worst Movies of All-Time
30) Chuck & Buck
29) Speed 2: Cruise Control
28) End Of Days
27) Dudley Do-Right
26) Bless The Child
25) Scary Movie 2
24) Dinosaur
23) Star Trek: The Motion Picture
22) Chill Factor
21) Dirty Work
20) The Virgin Suicides
19) Wild Wild West
18) The Mod Squad
17) The Ninth Gate
16) 1984
15) Mr. Wrong
14) Ready To Rumble
13) Deep Blue Sea
12) The In Crowd
11) The Turning
10) Eye Of The Beholder
9) Blankman
8) Lightning Jack
7) Kalifornia
6) Gilda
5) 8mm
4) 15 Minutes
3) Freddy Got Fingered
2) Clifford
1) Love Stinks

Honorable mentions go to 2001: A Space Odyssey and Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, which were both incredibly boring and disturbing, respectively, but I cannot bring myself to include because they were beautifully made if nothing else.

relax, don't do it...
So, I figured it out, or was reminded of it at least on my way back from class. I just need to calm down. I've been trying to do too much lately. I just need to slow down, evaluate what is really important to me, and only focus on that stuff. It's an easy lesson, but one that I can forget when I get caught up in everything.

Now I just need it to get warmer and we're all good.

i've given it all i can, but we're still on the payroll...
I thought I finally found "the perfect pickle" tonight. I don't think it's so much that I actually found a truly satisfying pickle as much as I wanted to convince myself that I had.

If I was in a really bad mood, I could say my life is a metophorical search that pickle, but I'm not, so I won't. I just wanted to be poetic. Then you all will love me, right?

i'm going back to the start...
Most of us hold this concept that we are somehow radically different from all the people that surround us, that our thoughts and feelings are somehow new, fresh, and unique. The problem with relying too much on this concept is that it allows for isolation and alientation from one's peers. There's a happy medium in there, one where empathy and individuality meet. One of the greatest challenges I had to face when I was younger is realizing that I was not alone in the world; that others were feeling and doing the same things that I was. I think it's those kids who fail to realize this concept and totally remove themselves from the collectiveness of adolescence who end up causing the biggest problems, either for themselves or for others.

Oh I’m picking out a thermos for you,
not an ordinary thermos for you.
But the extra best thermos you can buy
with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
I’m picking out a thermos for you,
and maybe a barometer too.
And what else can I buy,
so on me you'll rely?
A rear-end thermometer too.

So, as far as I'm concerned Spring Break is over and I am happy to report back it was not a complete waste. I was able to spend some time with my friends, have a few laughs, see a couple movies, catch up on some TV watching, and complete other assorted errands. Did I do everything I wanted to? Of course not, but I didn't sit around moping all week like I was afraid I was going to. That and I got to see a lot of my babe, providing me with some good motivation. I still got a lot of stuff to figure out about my future, but I'm going to try and not stress so much about it, it will all work out in time; now I just have to practice what I preach. I thought it might be interesting to see how many of my goals I sent out to accomplish at the end of January were actually completed, so let's take a looksie, shall we?

Top 10 Things I Want To Accomplish In The Near Future:

10) Save up some money to pay Mom off. (OK, so I'm doing really crappy on this one, my mom's getting on my case because my credit card bills are high with movies and other assorted needless crap. That OK, I don't really plan on making any good attempt on this one until summer. My new goal is just to cut back spending.)

9) Figure out where I'm going to live next year. (Not so hot on this one either, but we'll go out soon, I promise. ::nervous laughter::)

8) Start working out at the REC. (Hehe, the REC, that's funny. I've been exercising off and on, but as always, it's never consistent.)

7) Stop (or decrease) the melodrama. (Woohoo, finally got one! I'm happy with my attitude of things as late, I mean, I have my bad nights, but overall, especially as of late, I'm been a little more calm; spring break helped for that a lot.)

6) Get a 4.0 this semseter. (Though I may not make this goal, I'm been working harder this semester than perhaps any other, which is a good thing, so I'll be proud of myself regardless of what I get this semester. Yeah, I say that now...)

5) Finish "The List." (The List IS DONE! I finished it this week. As of right now, by my estimates, I have seen approximately 967 movies. That's insane.)

4) Get a tattoo. (I want to get in shape, then I want to get my tattoo.)

3) Eat healthier. (Fuck this, I enjoy food to much and I don't want to rob myself of that pleasure. I just want to focus on quantity now.)

2) Christ, why can I never come up with a 10th item for these things?! (Free point!)

1) GET MERUAN'S CHRISTMAS PRESENT SENT! (DONE, as of last week. What a weight off my shoulders.)

So four of those I can completely cross off. Exercising, eating, grades, and tattoo have all been revised and shifted priorities; those will all work and I'll live regardless. Money's in that category too, I just think about it more. That just leaves the apartment, so I figure as long as I take care of that and my schedule for fall, I'm in very decent shape. There, I feel better...

There are few instances in life as powerful or meaningful as seeing yourself reflected in the eyes of someone you love.

As you all know, I don't really like the "kitties," (sorry Stef) but here you go anyway.


I am a Fun loving Tabby kitten


What color of kitten would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm cold, and I'm scared as hell. I hope I'm up for this.

Those disturbed by anal references, please forgo this journal entry. All the brave souls that remain I offer not one, but two anus-related quotes of the day. All I gotta say is... EWW!

TaoMan1121 (10:29:58 PM): doesn't look like studio has the pianist anymore
Leeder5421 (10:30:05 PM): well fuck me in my ass tehn
TaoMan1121 (10:30:32 PM): ok, when's a good time for you?
Leeder5421 (10:31:03 PM): tomorrow when i get home.....nail me right in the pooper, i already feel worn down enough by school

AND

"Wax my anus!" - Courtney Love (swear to god, it came in my Rolling Stone.com daily newsletter today)

Sorry folks, I had to share...

you've got to give me two days, and woman, i'll make you a girl. sometimes you've got to rewind to go forward...
Sometimes coincidences are just too coincidental. I ran out of gas tonight, and it was one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had in recent memory. Here's the story...

First off, all of the Oldsmobile cars that I've encountered (which would be two) have very misleading gas indicators. I've known this, and I always try to fill up before the line gets to the yellow/orange area. Well, you know me and my laziness, I waited just a little too long to stop by the station; the prices lately haven't exactly been inviting, either. I arrived to work today after a mad dash to get there on time before I was busy doing a home training program for them. As I arrived at my destination, the car began to sputter out, but I figured I would have enough to start back up and run to the gas station after work. I went on with my shift without much excitement, however, my day did take an upward turn when I found a small wad of money on the floor. I quickly grabbed it and put it in my pocket and proceeded pretending that I was doing something of some use. I clocked out around nine and went out to the parking lot. Turned the key... no deal.

I was about ready to start getting worried at this point, but then I stopped and thought about the situation. Approximately 250 yards from my car was a Meijer gas station (just let the record show, the world would be a horrible place if there were no Meijers). And even less distance away from my car was a home improvement store that conviently supplies gas containers for my situation. I went back into Menards, scroured the Hardware department, and soon found the item I was searching for. I went up to the registers, and the friendly cashier rang me to, telling me that my total was $3.12. I reached into my pocket, and pull out the wad of cash I had found earlier in the day. I counted the money, and found there to be four dollars there, just enough to foot the bill for the gas container. Excited, I walked over to the gas station and filled the 2-gallon container up, paid for my purchase, and then returned to my car, all in the time frame of approximately 15 minutes. I emptied the container and turned the car on again, successful this time, and proceeded once again across the street to fill up the tank. Of course, we'll forgo the fact that it then took another $27.10 to fill up the rest of the tank, but at this point in the game, it really didn't matter.

As much fun as the experience was, the night was capped perfectly when I returned back to the dorms. I went up to Valley 2, searching to find a parking space, drove down to the closest aisle, and conviently some nice fellow/fellowes was backing out of a space just as I was driving by. I pulled in, turned the car off, and started walking. As I was walking, I noticed a pick up that has been driving behind me. The pick-up saw the lights of my car still on (THANK YOU, THEY GO OFF AUTOMATICALLY!), figured someone was backing out, and decided to wait. And wait. And wait. He was still waiting when I started walking down the hill, and for all I know, he might still be waiting there. Hehe.

Thanks y'all for listening to my story. Y'all come back ya' hear?!

Random stupid, funny thing of the day: Joe, my roommate if you live under a rock, was filling out a job application today. As he turned one of the pages, he began to chuckle. I asked was what so amusing, and he replied. He read from application: "Have you ever signed a non-confidentiality agreement with any previous employers? If so, explain." Just take a second to think about that. OK... and... stop.

Sometimes everything just gels and fits together like one big jigsaw puzzle. It's all good.

i'm ready, ready, ready, ready to run, all i wanna do is have some fun, what's all this talk about love?
I forgot my wallet today. I never forget my wallet.

Karen: Don't be afraid.
Mrs. Mortar: It's different for you. You're young.
Karen: Not any more.

from The Children's Hour by Lillian Hellman

Lately, I've been considering how I old I really feel. When I was younger, I used to feel so much older and more mature than my age, but as time has went by, I think I've grown into my age. The thing I miss about those days is the feeling that I used to be in control, and if I'm learned anything in the past year or so, it's that I, or least my emotions, aren't always in control. I think it's been a humbling and healthy experience, but I think I'm ready to take charge of my life again and not let it pass by in front of my eyes. I have a motivator in my life now, and I want change.

Yet, I'm reminded of something I said to Stef in her room the other night, fits pretty well... "It sucks, because I have the motivation to study, but I'm too tired." And I am tired, I have been for quite some time, but it's...

"...wake up time, time to open up your eyes, and rise, and shine..." - Tom Petty, "Wake Up Time"

"...and it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop, 'til you wise up..." - Aimee Mann, "Wise Up"

Thank you for being so understanding and sympathetic with my mini-breakdown yesterday. That meant a lot. Supportive S.O.'s kick ass.

To anybody who's listening... please don't let me waste next week. It's a kind of test for me, to accomplish something during my break, and I refuse to fail.

"Everybody has issues, and if you think they don't, then you just don't know them well enough." - Jason Rockwell

I feel 20 right now, and I'm okay with that.

please god, tell me that i'm still asleep... on a day like this, it's hard to tell if i still exist...
I'm slacking on the entries lately, and I'll catch up tomorrow, I really will.

Nothing matters now... I just found out that "The Ref" is finally being released on DVD in a week, and I was completely ready to give in after months of waiting and purchase it on VHS. I doubt anyone will realize the personal and cosmic significance of this revelation, and I would hope and expect for a response of "What the hell does it matter, it's a movie!" But for me, this is a sign that the world is still revolves on the same axis and that I'm still here. This is my pinch on the shoulder; a signal to wake the hell the up.

Still, that's so... tight. Best part, it's only $10... fuckin a'.

what i did was stupid, i know it was dumb... this is my life, 'd like to welcome y'all to the eminem show...
I feel like I'm going through my own monthly syndrome the past couple of days. Feeling shitty for not much of a very good reason. I remember my mom's description from years ago; she described the whole ordeal as worms crawling around in her head, and I feel like that, like I can't think straight.

My head doesn't hurt anymore, but my arm still does. I think it's bruised.

I just watched Elvis Costello, Bruce Springsteen, and Dave Grohl perform a tribute to The Clash, playing "London Calling." F'ing spectacular.

I feel robbed. I love Norah Jones, she's beautiful and all that, but Eminem or The Boss should have won best album of the year, they have put in more time and effort into the business, and their albums were simply just better. Besides, it's only Norah's first album. In the words of Mike, "I love her, but I have to admit, the lyrics don't really make sense." I think I'm just relating to Eminem's anger tonight more than anything.

I say I need a break, and it'll come and go and I'll have wasted the entire week and accomplished nothing. OK, how about summer break then... oh yeah, I gotta work my ass off to climb out of debt. What the hell do I have to look forward to?

February is always a horrible month. Winter starts taking its toll, and the weather literally starts to dictate my mood. If you have any doubt, take a look at my journal entries for the end of last week.

GOD, I NEED A VACATION!

Judas was an ass...

I wish that I could dream of angels. I wish that I had faith. But I know I never will.

What happens when you question the last thing you believe in?

Ignore everything I say right now as of tomorrow, I'm still drunk, and stupid, and horny, and babbling, and flawed, and stable, and imperfect, and alive, and melodramatic, and nothing, and everything at the same time.

"I hurt to myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real." - Nine Inch Nails, "Hurt"

I feel like David Gale, what's my problem? I'm a bad person...

in the water where i center my emotion, all the world can pass me by...
GET ME OUT OF THESE DORMS! People frustrate me... but I still love them.

I'm taking you with me though, Stef, I like you. :-P

"I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself

My friends are so depressed
I feel the question
Of your loneliness
Confide..., 'cause I'll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will"
- Red Hot Chili Peppers, "My Friends"

you know that it would be untrue, you know that i would be a liar, if i were to say to you, babe we couldn't get much higher...
So I got these random away messages from Dustin's screename... I used to go to high school with the kid. They make no sense to me, so I'm putting them out for public consumption in hopes that someone might be able to make something out of it. That and it's pretty amusing...

BashWR82 (3:35:14 PM): mornin stranger
BashWR82 (3:35:23 PM): for you.. that is...
BashWR82 (3:35:27 PM): are you feeling any better?
BashWR82 (3:35:49 PM): mmhm.. i guess you are typing tons faster..
BashWR82 (3:35:53 PM): so fast, i can't even see you type
BashWR82 (3:36:05 PM): look at me, my name is kitty, fast as a bird, fierce as a titty!!!!
BashWR82 (3:36:15 PM): ?.. nevermind me
BashWR82 (3:36:16 PM): im bored
BashWR82 (3:36:43 PM): its good to see you here, thanks for the email, goin shoppin with linda!!
BashWR82 (3:36:44 PM): adios brotha
BashWR82 (3:36:56 PM): DnK forever, tehehe.. remember that?