you are in my heart, you are in my heart, from the dusk to the light, every day and every night, i want all of you...
That shit still fucks with my head time to time. I'm not sure if it's normal, but I don't lose any sleep over it.

I am happy. But I'm also tired and I need a break from K-Zoo. I could also use a good X-Files episode. The non-spring break trip is starting to kind of screw with my head now, I really think I could have used it.

I'm in one of those reflective, emotional-puking moods where I could spill the entire contents of my life up to this point is someone were to ask me how my day was.

I came up with these yesterday at work. The first I don't necessarily believe at this exact moment, but I did when I cooked it up, most likely since I was having a bad day.

1) I may be happy, but I'm never content.

2) I was doing my obligatory "urinal ad reading" at work, and one of the cute aphorisms on the bottom of the circular stated, "Strive for excellence, not perfection." I partially agree. In my philosophy, even though perfection may be unattainable, that shouldn't stop you from reaching for it. Here's how I would lay it out, "Strive for perfection, and in the process you will achieve excellence."

And to my Lit. Interpretation instructor, and this goes for my other teachers out there... if you don't have the material to instruct for the entire period, let us out early. The world will not end and you will not lose your job if we stop a half hour early. You are simply wasting your time as well as ours. How are we supposed to discuss a play we haven't even read yet? Honestly.

There is no better feeling in the world than a pair of fresh, new, comfy socks...

FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK THIS SHIT!

I'm feeling better than I did over the weekend. Trying not to let everything get a hold of me at once. It's so weird, how the anxiety works. I'll be reminded of one stressor, and I'll instantly associate it with another, and it goes on from there. I am worried about this paper I have to write by Wednesday, but I work good under pressure, so we'll see. ::crosses fingers:: I tell you though, I've just about had my fill of these dorms. I will miss a good number of the people I've had the opportunity to get close to over the past few months (you know who you are), but Christ is it getting annoying putting up with all the people I don't like. All their little eccentricities get magnified in such close range. I'm glad I got more involved this year, even if it meant more emotional investment; not that I regret last year, I would have done it over again. Eh, I like how I'm getting all reflective and I've still got two more months to go. Should go pretty quick though. I just want it to be warm(er).

"How many people want to kick some ass?" - Stroke 9

Bitch, keep talkin' ya smack, I'll bring my crew up to your crib and pop a cap, ya psycho. You done smoked yourself insane, boooooy.

I'm got very little to offer tonight, and I have a test tomorrow, so off I go. Sweet dreams, world.

with the birds i share this lonely view...
OK, instead of studying for all the tests I have this week, I'm making/revising top 10 lists. Sounds smart, doesn't it? In my defense, this is a study break, but I'm just worried how long it will last. So without further ado...

REVISED Top 10 Films of 2002:
10) Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind
9) About A Boy
8) 8 Mile
7) About Schmidt
6) Gangs Of New York
5) LOTR: The Two Towers
4) Chicago
3) Bowling For Columbine
2) Punch Drunk Love
1) Adaptation

Honorable mention to the 25th Hour, which barely missed out. I have also yet to see "The Hours," but I'm sure you really don't give a flyring f, so I doubt I'll be revising it again.

AND

Top 10 CDs of 2002:
10) David Gray - A New Day At Midnight
9) Norah Jones - Come Away With Me
8) Beck - Sea Change
7) Dave Matthews Band - Busted Stuff
6) Badly Drawn Boy - About A Boy Soundtrack
5) Moby - 18
4) Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way
3) Queens Of The Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf
2) Eminem - The Eminem Show
1) Foo Fighters - One By One

Honorable mentions to Zwan (not on the list because it was released in 2003), Elton John (the disc was his greatest hits and not new material), and the soundtrack to Chicago (I haven't had time to "digress" it yet).

it's just a minor thing...
You pick up on clues.
You buy me gifts that fit my tastes and suprise me.
You are able to proofread a paper and actually offer me something.
You can start up a decent conversation with a complete stranger.
You take an interest in what I'm interested in.
You have a high pop culture IQ.
You can be frail.
You can be strong.
You are a good kisser.
You bought me TRIVIAL PURSUIT!!!

How many more suprises you got for me? Keep 'em coming, I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

Movie Review - Chicago
13 Oscar Nominations can't be wrong (and they aren't). If you enjoy a good musical, it's a no-brainer. If you go to the movies and can't figure out why people randomly break out into song and dance numbers, then perhaps you'd better check out Daredevil. What suprised me most about this film is that Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere can actually sing. I'll spare a synopsis because I'm lazy and I have homework to do, so just to IMDB.com and check it out. It's nice to see musicals starting to return to center stage with such gems as South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut, Moulin Rouge, and now Chicago. It's a fairly straightforward and classic tale of fame, deceit, and murder, but it is based the stage production that's been around for a number of years. The song & dance numbers are intense, provocative, and exquisitely choreographed and after you get out of the theater you want to run to the nearest Best Buy and pick up the soundtrack. Rob Marshall uses an interesting technique of intercuting, scratch that, intertwining the dramatic scenes with the numbers, and the effect is seamless. My only beefs with the film were a couple of the musical numbers in the second half of the film were a bit needless and boring, and I had expected more from Queen Latifah's character. She did a good job, but she only had one number of her own, and I thought they could have done more work fleshing out the character. But the story is that of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Zellweger, and both seem natural in their respective roles as Velma and Roxie.

Just a word to the wise for all you Kalamazoo-ians out there. Avoid the Kalamazoo 10 whenever possible, it is a hack of a theater. I was very disappointed with their performance last night as well as on the other occasions I went there. The audio track cut out during the film at least 4 or 5 times during the film, sometimes for even up to a minute and once during a very pivotal scene towards the end of the movie. Maybe it's just because I've come to expect a lot from a theater, but this time of performance would never stand back home. I still love ya Studio, even if you canned me. :-P What frustrated me the most was that no one was present after the showing to apologize or offer any form of pass or coupon for our troubles. I will be writing a letter as soon as I'm done with this journal entry. Anyways, make the extra trek to the United Artists theaters over by the Crossroads Mall. It looks a bit run down to me, and the theater doesn't even have stadium seating, but they do a decent job, the help is adequate, and it's actually a little bit cheaper if you are a student, $6 as opposed to $6.75 at K-Zoo 10.

Grade (movie): A-
Grade (theater): D

Movie Review - Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind
Better late than never... here's my review for the movie I saw back when Leeder was visiting me.

"Confessions" tells the "real" life story of Chuck Barris, creator of many popular game shows back in the day, including The Dating Game and The Gong Show. Barris purports he carried on two lives, one as a game show producer, and the other as a CIA hitman. Regardless of the veracity of the claim, George Clooney does an awesome job on juxtaposing the two storylines with another suberb and quirky script from Charlie Kaufman. Clooney himself plays the CIA recruiter who hires Barris, played by my namesake Sam Rockwell, in his first starring role. Rockwell does a great job of portraying a character afraid of committment and afraid of opening up, instead letting his emotions reach a boiling point before they are resolved. The movie is intercut with present-day interview clips with such figureheads such as Dick Clark, and Clooney and Kaufman end the film with a haunting quote and image of Barris himself. All and all, a very fun, quirky, and affecting film, with an extremely strong cast. Check it out.

Final Grade: A-

because we are born innocent, and believe me, aida, we are still...
Everything I touch turns to shit. Melodramatic in every sense of the word, but I could honestly care less. I don't want to become apathetic, I fear that the most, shutting off from the world just because I'm stressed. And I won't do that, but I want to, and I accept that and move on. I'm making such elementary mistakes in my life right now, I want to smack myself across the head and go "We've come this far and this long for you to do this?" Pretty soon, my mistakes are going to catch up to me and people are going to start calling me on it. And I completely deserve it.

What can I change? Can I change? Are their certain aspects of me that are steadfast and immovable as time itself? I fight that with every fiber of my being, but in the end, I have my reservations. But then I remember, I did change once in my life, a huge life altering change that shaped who I am today. But it didn't happen overnight. "Rome wasn't built in a day." And I'm playing exactly into my typical response to the situation. I don't know what's right anymore.

The worst thing that came out of last year is to see that I had the potential to hurt the one I love, and that, more than anything, scares the living hell out of me.

Already, as I proofread the first sentence, I realize its absurbity, and for me, that's coming a long way, being able to gain a modicum of objectiveness on the situation(s) simply by venting. But just like everything else, the feeling never lasts, and I wonder when the car will proceed into the next dip. "Please keep your hands inside the car at all times and your feet planted firmly on the ground." I wonder if their is any correlation between my analogy of life as a roller coaster and my immense psychological fear of roller coasters. I'm feeling veklempt, talk amongst yourselves...

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Yeah.... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I 'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine

Yeah.... And you'd cry a little
Die just a little
and baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear you're doin' fine
Nothins goin save me
I can see it it your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darlin give it a try
I dont want pity
I just want what is mine

Yeah... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me

Yeah... Cry just a little for me

woo ooo, could you cry a little for me

yeah, yeah

you are someone else, i am still right here...
Do what you want. Do what you need to. I can't force you or shape you into somebody you're not, and it's pretenious of me to try. But I swear, I saw you happy, and I swear it was a beautiful sight. You are a beautiful person whether or not you believe yourself. I can't force you to let me in, that's a decision you have to make, and you're obviously not ready for it. But realize, even if you're not affected by it, I am.

i am my own worst enemy...
Grr, stress... piling... up...

I have a lot of stuff to do and not a lot of motivation to do it. I hate this. Fuck it, I'm not up for this right now... to be continued.

Once again, Ryan, I'm sorry.

Auto response from TaoMan1121 (9:59:03 AM): Off having pleasant dreams of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. Leave me optimistic messages to start my day off right. :-D
CWBrand (9:59:03 AM): You suck, you have to do things today you don't like, the piss you take when you get up will prolly be the best part of your day....AHAHAHAHAHA...how's that for optimistic......but honestly....that first piss is really good...lol

I have such supportive friends. :-) Now, if you'll excuse me, I REALLY have to pee...

IM conversations are so much more amusing when you don't know who you are talking to. See for yourself...

KDoervtienz (10:42:34 PM): hi, my name is Gibblets
KDoervtienz (10:42:36 PM): what is yours
TaoMan1121 (10:44:50 PM): gibblets?
KDoervtienz (10:44:55 PM): yes
KDoervtienz (10:45:03 PM): what is yours fine sur
KDoervtienz (10:45:04 PM): sir
TaoMan1121 (10:45:13 PM): gobbles
KDoervtienz (10:45:34 PM): can i call you mr. turkey
TaoMan1121 (10:46:32 PM): it's dr. turkey actually... i didn't spend 6 years in turkey medical school to be called mr. thank you very much
KDoervtienz (10:46:56 PM): ok doc
KDoervtienz (10:47:05 PM): will you fuck with my mind for a while
TaoMan1121 (10:47:22 PM): only if you fuck my duck afterwards
KDoervtienz (10:47:51 PM): maybe spoodge in my hair
TaoMan1121 (10:49:20 PM): the duck?
KDoervtienz (10:49:51 PM): i thouight you were turkey
KDoervtienz (10:50:09 PM): why does a ducks quack not echo
KDoervtienz (10:50:11 PM): ???
TaoMan1121 (10:51:11 PM): more importantly, if a duck quacks in the forest and no hears it, does it still quack?
KDoervtienz (10:51:28 PM): only if it doesn't echo
TaoMan1121 (10:52:08 PM): i'm sorry, we haven't got to this unit in my duck philosophy class yet...
KDoervtienz (10:52:37 PM): do you know who this is
KDoervtienz (10:53:14 PM): ?
TaoMan1121 (10:54:10 PM): you mean, this isn't gibblets?

this would have been a good song for this morning...
I'm feeling better now. As long as I keep busy, I feel decent. I'm skipping my first class in order to prepare better for the second one. I can justify that.

Literary Int. quote(s) of the day: "Behind the newspaper Julian was withdrawing into the inner compartment of his mind where he spent most of his time. This was a kind of mental bubble in which he established himself when he could not bear to be a part of what was going on around him. From it he could see out and judge but in it he was safe from any kind of penetration from without. It was the only place where he felt free of the general idiocy of his fellows." - Flannery O'Conner, "Everything That Rises Must Converge"

And another from the same story... "She said he didn't yet know a thing about "life," that he hadn't even entered the real world - when already he was as disenchanted with it as a man of fifty."

i will be sitting on top when the sky falls down, and it all goes wrong again...
I don't want to be unhappy again, I've been unhappy for too long to go back. What do I do? I tried sleeping it off and it followed me into my dreams.

I'm gonna fail, of course I say that every semester at this point, and then manage to pull a 3.5+ out of my arse. I don't know what I need right now... got any ideas?

oh my god, i'm cracking up...
I'm Slim Shady, the Real Slim Shady, all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating...

do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die...
So this sucks.

I just got off the phone with my dad, and he informed me that my grandma was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't know much yet and I don't have much to say, but I just thought I should write something.

I mean, I knew this was coming, this is a part of life, but still, I've had very little experience with death in my life. Both my paternal grandparents are in their 80s. My grandfather on my mother's side died when I was 5 or 6, but I remember very little about it. Grr, I'm getting ahead of myself, we haven't even got a prognosis back, but just the thought of it.

My biggest fear in life is losing those who I love.

I love my life. :-)

it's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got...
Clearing out some papers in my desk...

Random pet peeve - People who stand or park their carts in front of the television in the Menards "breakroom," if you can call it that, when they can plainly see that I'm thoroughly enjoying an episode of Seinfeld on my oh so very brief break!!! And yes, I'll be happy to tell you where the freaking caulk is, do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!!!

Here's those questions I was talking about a while back Stef, I just found them...
1) Do you bowl? Are you any good?
2) What's your favorite restaurant?
3) Favorite flavor of ice cream?
4) Favorite song? Favorite CD?
5) Favorite flower?
6) Biggest psychological fear, other than salads? :-P

Everything you've already answered at some other point. Sorry they are quite random.

I need to take my test. Peace folks.

you know i used to be so sure, you know i used to be so definite, thought i knew what love was for, i look around these days and i'm not so sure...
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

AND

We may be threw with the past, but the past ain't through with us.

AND

Why the hell do I keep saying stupid shit?

(Bordering on melodrama here, but I'm going to stop writing before I reach that point. Besides, I feel better already. :-D I have a lot to be happy about.)

but heart songs are still on my mind, there's never the time to write down these lines...
I love how different movies and books and shows and music can have a profoundly different effect based on your age, based on your point in life, and based on what new knowledge and experiences you have acquired.

There were times throughout the day that I could have lost my cool, times that I almost did, but I kept my wits about me and did what needed to be done. And now (most likely) I'm going to a warm place for Spring Break, so I'm happy. I'm cheap though, I hate that. But I think it'll be worth it. I haven't had a good vacation since Europe. This could be good.

Hmm, I need something juicy, something interesting, but I'm thrown for a loss tonight.

"I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters"
- Nine Inch Nails, "I Do Not Want This"

Somebody come up with something profound for me, my brain's going to take the night off. :-P

i want to feel passion, i want to feel pain, i want to weep at the sound of your name, come make me laugh or come make me cry, just make me feel alive...
Homecoming Pep Assembly. High school. Freshman or possibly Sophomore year. Driving home all alone to an empty house. I don't know why I think of it, but there are few times I ever feeling so alone and useless in the world. That's where complexes are perpetuated. God only knows how fucked up I'd be now if things hadn't turned around later. This is all completely random, but it's just one of those random memories I wantded to commit to paper. Freaky...

i've got to make a play, to make my lover, so what would an angel say, the devil wants to know...
The melodrama and the stress are starting to reach back up and kick my ass again. No deal, I refuse to let it get to me. It's been a week and 2 days, and I like not running around with my arms flailing about, looking for attention. I found that attention through other, more constructive, and cuter, means. :-P

Hmm, I guess we need to talk?

As the stress part, I'm starting to feel all these pressures of this college thing. They crop up every semester or so. Be here, do this, make sure you do this in time or you will never succeed in life, and end up homeless on the streets. I still know I'm doing a really good job, I just need to step back and take an objective look at the situation. It's the same thing with the melodrama.

Regardless, I still didn't write my paper. D'OH!

Just another lit. quote, this from "Love Medicine" by Louise Erdrich:

"You see I thought love got easier over the years so it didn't hurt so bad when it hurt, or feel so good when it felt good. I thought it smoothed out and old people hardly noticed it. I thought it curled up and I died, I guess. Now I saw it rear up like a whip and lash."

Statistical regression, I'm telling ya...

i'm not satisfied, the hunger keep on growing...
Well now then, that's all I needed. ::gloominess recedes into the darkness::

I figured out what that type of stories/movies I was talking about are called: initiation stories. This is from my textbook...

"The character first learns, or is initiated into, a significant truth about the universe, reality, society, people, himself or herself. It begins with the protagionist in a state of innocence or mistaken belief, it leads up to the moment of illumination or the discovery, and it ends usually with some indication of the result of that discovery... Such stories suggest, however, that even if we choose to retreat from a newly precieved truh, we can never completely return to our fomer innocence."

when the music's over, turn out the lights...
I'm feeling so much right now, I just can't articulate any of it. I mean, I've got a crapload of thoughts and emotions right now, but none of them are overprowering enough to go into it. I'm just frustrated with myself that I'm allowing my studies to falter a bit since this whole thing with Stef. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've having a great time, but I'm just having a tough time balancing everything. Over Christmas break I needed anything to keep me occupied and now I want free time again. It's just harder to walk up the hill as of late, and it's not because of the classes, well, except for Lit. Int., that class just gets to me. Like I said, I just need some perspective on everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks. God it's early, I need to get some rest.

I think it's time to watch American Beauty again...

Once more for the road, is it Spring yet? My WMU coursebook says yes...

too impatient to listen to the lyrics... and my pizza is coming!
OK, time for random quote and AIM conversation time!

FairGoldberry (5:59:49 PM): yay procrastiation! :-D
TaoMan1121 (5:59:57 PM): woot woot!
FairGoldberry (6:00:28 PM): i can do all my assigned work i two hours tommorow....right??
TaoMan1121 (6:00:48 PM): of course!
FairGoldberry (6:01:29 PM): alright! thanks for that much needed approval of total sadistic choices!

Jessalyn62 (6:45:40 PM): HOw old is he?
JediBumblebee (6:45:42 PM): 2
JediBumblebee (6:45:43 PM): 20
Jessalyn62 (6:45:47 PM): 2 is good
Jessalyn62 (6:45:49 PM): oh
Jessalyn62 (6:45:51 PM): thats old
JediBumblebee (6:45:54 PM): 2 is illegal

TaoMan1121 (6:43:38 PM): lol... that's mike, he lives in my old room i had last year
TaoMan1121 (6:43:42 PM): he's awesome
TaoMan1121 (6:43:50 PM): don't i look like his bitch?!
FairGoldberry (6:44:33 PM): and yes, you do...but you look like anybody's bitch anytime :-D

More from the Buddhist teachings... "The focus is on you. You control your own life. You shouldn't expect any outstide help from anyone or any spirit to change your life."

Here's a few from "The Doors" with I just watched with Ryan over the weekend. Great movie.

"I think we are most alive experiencing beauty and seeing truth." - Meg Ryan

"I still think the lyrics are weird." - Robbie Krieger

"You say you love pain, but you run from it every chance you get." - Robbie Krieger

This one is from Mike. Mike's cool... and looking over my shoulder: "Why aren't there any girls like you?"
Me: "Wouldn't the world be a lot nicer if there was?"

Me: "So, since you aren't going to see Confessions of a Dangerous Mind with us, I take it you are going to attend a vastly inferior and intellectually unstimualting movie instead?"
Mike: "I'm going to go see Final Destination 2."
Me: "I rest my case."

Oh, by the way, Boomtown is the best television show EVER! TAKE THAT KIEFER!

Which brings me to the question, who'd be a better significant other... me, or Norah Jones? Hehe, I'm just kidding, I'm not THAT immodest.

Final Boomtown thought: umm, Boomtown is... cool. Hmm, maybe I should leave the obsessions for Meruan.

people just ain't no good, i think that's well understood...
I'm torn between my own personal world and that of the world around me. I'm still happy, very happy, and right now I feel guilty for that happiness when those around me are facing tough times.

"People just ain't no good
I think that's welll understood
You can see it everywhere you look
People just ain't no good

We were married under cherry trees
Under blossom we made pour vows
All the blossoms come sailing down
Through the streets and through the playgrounds

The sun would stream on the sheets
Awoken by the morning bird
We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word

People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good

Seasons came, Seasons went
The winter stripped the blossoms bare
A different tree now lines the streets
Shaking its fists in the air
The winter slammed us like a fist
The windows rattling in the gales
To which she drew the curtains
Made out of her wedding veils

People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good at all

To our love send a dozen white lilies
To our love send a coffin of wood
To our love let aal the pink-eyed pigeons coo
That people they just ain't no good
To our love send back all the letters
To our love a valentine of blood
To our love let all the jilted lovers cry
That people they just ain't no good

It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just bullshit
People just ain't no good

People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good
People they ain't no good at all"

I'm a sheltered, spoiled, little white kid from the 'burbs. I've never had any experience with this type of thing. I'm doing better than I was earlier today, but it's just shock, and anger, and disbelief, and just this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach. See my problem is that this doesn't find my nice neat little picture that people are inherently good and some fall to the hands of evil over time. I'm just having trouble incorporating this into my scheme of thinking.

I do admire how strong-willed people can be in the face of adversity. Even if things are a hurricane inside, they have an aura of rationality that floors me.

I'm still happy, but I feel bad.

I do care, and like I said, if you ever need anything from, my door is open.