lifted

lifted

:: 2006 22 June :: 1.43 pm
:: Music: Book:Perks of Being a Wallflower

How could I have completely neglected my bestest friend in the whole world?One who's there for me in times of need?My books,my everything!

I have forgotten how much it helps my disposition sometimes by just simply reading a book.In times of confusion,I sometimes feel as if the current book I'm reading is paralled to my real-life experience.Like the main character is going through the exact same thing I'm going through,and I therefore end up learning a lesson from their mistake etc.I love books

P.S. My country won against U.S.A today!!!!!I'm so excited.I mean I'm a little upset to becuase I wanted the U.S.A to be in as well but it's my country!!!!!yay!!!!

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:: 2006 20 June :: 11.28 pm

Life is so funny.That's really the only way that I can describe it.It's funny.

It's not even that the bitch lied to me for months and months and months,it's not even that she used me in so many ways:emotionally,financially,etc,it's not even that she might possibly have cheated on me,no no no

What interets me most of all is that she broke my heart over something that wasn't even true.She never loved me,becuase if she did,then she wouldn't have lied to me,she never loved me or she wouldn't have treated me how she did half the time.And you know what makes me even more certain that she never loved me?

That she had the fucking nerve to get mad at me when I accused her of that,knowing that I was right

I'm so over that bitch.Nobody ever walks over me like I'm a piece of shit and then lies to me about it.Fuck her.I'm done.It never happened.It was all a lie and that's the end of that chapeter of my life.As far as I know the bitch doesn't even exist

Some people are just cut from a different cloth

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:: 2006 20 June :: 8.53 am

Selfish
you cling to memories past
and like a child
you suck on my hardened nippples
draining me of life and happiness
and while I am weak,with breast sagging
You leave
angry that I am not able to give more
when all the while you took it all
away

my early morning poem.Some people are cut from a different cloth.The selfish one.They want their cake and they want to eat that shit too.They use you,drain you,know they are using,but becuase they know nothing else,they do it anyways,then blame you for letting them becuase it's easier to blame someone else for your faults than to face up to them.So I ask this question:

How does a selfish person love?Isn't it an oxymoron?

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:: 2006 19 June :: 11.33 pm

I was just reading my friends diary and she just broke up with her boyfriend.It makes me realize that breakups are always hard.It's not supposed to be easy if you loved and or cared about the person.She's gotten to the point though where she doesn't care anymore.I guess we all get to that point eventually.

I can relate

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:: 2006 19 June :: 10.58 pm

I think I'm sick or getting sick.I have a really painful cold sore that was probably brought on by the shots they gave me.But I've been sleeping all day and I'm still really really tired.

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:: 2006 19 June :: 7.23 pm
:: Music: Movie: Dick

Unfinished Business
I hate unfinished business.THings that are started must be finished.This does not necessarily apply to other parts of my life.Say,for example I starting crocheting and I can never finish it.Or I'll start a new activity,like taking voice lessons or piano lessons or dance lessons,and I won't finish it.This doesn't apply to such circumstances.I'm talking about human things.Like someone's telling you something really juicy and then don't finish it.Or someone asks a really important question and then you want to know why and they won't tell you.Those things upset me.In all these two situations two people are need for the action and the reaction.One person does one thing and the other person does something else.I hate those types of unfinished business.There are so many unfinished business in my life.

Too many to count

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:: 2006 18 June :: 10.13 am

Well so much for doing anything yesterday.Besides Ani I was supposed to first go to New York to play Laser Tag,then that was scratched,then I was gonna go to Roselle to smoke and chill,then that was scratched,then I was supposed to be smoking with this chick and her boy,and then that was scratched,and then I was told I would be called back,and that didn't happen cause I woke up today and no phone call.It's all good though I guess.I was pretty tired yesterday after Ani anyways,but still,I was looking forward to smoking.

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:: 2006 18 June :: 12.36 am

Ani Difranco.Saw her today.She was wonderful.more than wonderful.I've never heard such a beautiful voice.So crisp and clear,like a tall glass of iced water.The homosexuals were out and about today.To my left,to my right.I was so jealous.It's always nice to have someone you can hold hands with and lean against as you listen to Ani Difranco talk about revolutions and resolutions.

I want to be swept off my feet.Or maybe not that far but I want to just lay on someone's shoulder for just two seconds.I don't even remember the last time I had a really good,genuine,hug.One of those hugs that makes you feel like there's nothing in the world to worry about and there's nothing going wrong.I want one of those hugs.

I want something but I don't know what it is.It's making my body ache,this wanting,this need that I cannot pinpoint.

It's just a game they play
like Dominoes
they too will fall

I don't know.Do you know?If you do let me knoww

I want a hug

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:: 2006 17 June :: 10.20 am

you can cheat on a person not in your actions but in your heart

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:: 2006 16 June :: 11.25 pm

I was going to write this long dialogue about the aftermath of a breakup and why it has to be so dirty and ugly,but then I realized that it doesn't even really matter.

I'm so tired right now.I'm on this like rollercoaster of emotions.Anger,hurt,anger,sadness,then anger,then confusion and then indifference.It's so annoying.It's all part of the process I guess but why does it have to be so dirty?

I'm gonna go smoke and forget my troubles.Piff is a sad girl's best friend

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:: 2006 15 June :: 11.41 am

Haiku

to write a haiku
with lingering memories
it would be pleasing

get out of my head
before my dreams kill you. dead
your head explodes.ha

I was bored so I decided to write some shitty haikus.enjoy
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:: 2006 14 June :: 11.47 am

I'm not depressed anymore.This single fact hold so much significance for me that I don't even know how to go through the process of writing down how I feel about this new revelation.It's so weird cause it just hit me all of a sudden out of nowhere.Like,I'm not depressed anymore!!!And I just coouldn't believe it.I mean I've been so depressed this whole semester to the point where I needed to go see a therapist or I needed to talk to somebody before ,well I don't know,before something happened.And it was just this constant feeling that was with me.I wasn't happy.I mean yes there were moments of happiness,but I wasn't really happy.And this was just so strange for somebody as happy go lucky as I used to be.I never realized how much of myself I lost this semester.If you met me this semester,you didn't meet me.You met this ghost of me that was insecure,lonely,afraid,depressed,and just overall going on this downward spiral.

And that is scary to me.How could I have let one person control my emotions that much?How could one person have that much power to have controlled my every emotions so much so that I even considered ~~suicide?~~I don't even want to mention that word honestly but this is my journal and I have to be honest in it.I became fascinated with it,the idea of it,the ease with which it could be done.And on one level I have myself to blame,I should never have gotten that deep,ever,but I did.On the other hand,I realize now that I wasn't even aware that it was happening,that I had changed,that I wasn't me anymore.And I couldn't put my finger on it.I didn't know where this sudden change came from.There were days when I didn't remember when the last time I had smiled was,days when I cried every night,when I lashed out at my roommates for even asking me what was wrong.And it just kept getting worse and worse.With every fight,with every scathing word,with every negative action I just kept falling deeper and deeper into it.And I hid it so well.I even hid it from myself how serious it really was.I was so unhappy!!My god.Where did I go?What happened to me?how could it have happened?Is that really what love is?Becuase if it then it is a scary,scary place.And I will never ever ever go there ever again.This new me,the me that I used to be,feels so strange to me.Becuase I am happy,and I am smiling,and I'm talking to people and going out and living my life.I feel suddenly so free.And I know how cliched it is but I really do.I feel invincible,like nothing can touch me.I'm telling you,she has released me,she might not realize it but this is the single best gift that anyone has ever given me in my entire life.Becuase as soon as she said those words that severed all ties,I had no choice but to move on,and go on with my daily life.It came so effortlessly.

And I love her.I will not lie.this is my journal and I am determined to be honest at all cost.I love her,crazy as it is,I really do.Perhaps it all happened too fast,we both weren't in the right mind to be in a relationship,misery loves company etc. etc.I don't want it to seem like it was all bad,even though the negative always overshadow the positive.She became my second best friend.She knows things about me that no one else knows or maybe never will outside of my best friend.And I cherish that.Becuase I found a part of me through her.I was able to come out.And she was there for me to lean on at the time when I needed suport the most.And that I will never forget.Becuase first and foremost she is my friend.And I love and cherish my friends and their frienship.So yes I love her.And becuase things are clearer now and I can rationalize and be logical,I see where mistakes were made.How things could have been different.But that's just it.mistakes are made in life.It's the cycle of things.You live and you learn.There's always a bad that comes with a good.To experience ultimate pleasure you must also experience ultimate pain to better appreciate the good more.So I take everything.I own it as part of me.I'll add the pain to the scars I've endured,and add the pleasure to permanence it has left on my soul.And I'll keep it moving

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:: 2006 13 June :: 1.16 am
:: Music: Tegan and Sara-Don't Confess

Don't Confess
Don't think I'll confess
Why would I confess, that I
Don't think I'll deny
Why would I deny, that I
And don't be so hard on yourself
You won't get better till you'll get worse
Yeah you, send a little smile my way
And don't be so hard on yourself
You won't get better till you'll get worse
Yeah you, send a little love my way
And every second I spend waiting
Drive me closer to this grave
I'm not alone, no I'm just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside

I congratulate her on her self professed need to eradicate me from her life like I was a foot fungus thats needs some ointment as the cure.Just because I'm not in your words does not mean I'm not in your mind

listen softly
it carries on the wind
do you hear it
gently
the zephyr passes your ears
do you hear it
cock your head
just to your right
can't hear it still
it's your heart saying...
I miss her

Is it customary of people to treat you like shit,accuse you of shitting on yourself when they in actuality did it,then leave you to clean up the mess they left behind.

I feel like a truck has been run over me for these very long months and the person who should be repenting isn't

fuck her

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:: 2006 12 June :: 10.14 pm

praise the lord I'm not crazy,I'm completely sane,I was not imagining that I was in a crazy ass rollercoaster relationship...praise the lord

Amen

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