In ToK today we watched this video. It wasn't the one about language. It was a new one about perception. It was kinda cool in some places, but when it started talking about evolution of the cortex, I kinda dozed a bit. But there was this one part that was really scary. And I don't mean fake scary like we all say "wow, that's scary" I mean actually disturbing. So sayeth the video, neuron mapping, or atleast a part of it, is finished by age 10. By then you have a complete picture of what is good or useful or not, and, based on experience, unnecessary neuron connections are rejected. That means that your opinion of the world is pretty much set by the time you're 10 years old. That freaked the hell out of me. I don't know that I want the first 10 years of my life to have determined my outlook on the world. That's one of those things that I wish I had never learned. Sometimes I don't like to think about how things are effecting me. Do you ever consciously think about that? Everything that happens, everything people say or do, shapes who you become. That's not really something that I'd like to think about sometimes. Sometimes it's good though, but it's kind of creepy. Stuff that you don't even realize is affecting you is causing prejudice or stuff. Makes me think of all the photographs I saw of Osama Bin Laden teaching eight year olds how to shoot a gun. Or that artwork in Nicaragua Krystle told me about that had a mural of the world with an eagle's claw over it. Or those newspapery-magazine things about who's having who's baby in the supermarket right at eye level for a 7 year old. What has influenced me that I am not even aware of? How have I influenced others that I am not aware of?

I think too much. I've noticed that lately. But then I start thinking about how I think too much. I was thinking on the bus this afternoon, I can't remember what about, when I suddenly like woke up from thinking. I hate when I do that when I'm listening to music. Because whenever I'm thinking I'm not paying attention to anything else, and I mean anything. So I'll "wake up" in the middle of a song, and...I dunno, it's just weird. But whenever I think about stuff, I have to be totally absorbed in it, not listening or seeing anything else. There goes multitasking. I decided that thinking is bad for me. It never leads to anything good, because I never come up with a solution. Or rather, when I come up with a solution, I over-analyze that until I've rendered it obsolete. There's always something.

I also decided that I need to stop friggin living in the future. I hate IB. They're whole thing is like sacrifice these four years of your life so that you can go to UF, just like you would if you weren't in IB. But it will be free, just like if you got bright futures, which most of you who actually get your diploma are smart enough to get from "normal" high school. Pisses me off. A lot of people I can get why IB is good, because they're doing some bs (and I dont actually mean bs here, just couldn't find a good word for it...less rigorous) major. Example: Will is currently taking and honors fireflies course. That's where I can see IB paying off. Because he has been able to BS his way through his first year and a half/two years of college, and is not suffering consequences (atleast none that I know of) for doing so. But me? I'm going into one of the hardest majors/grad school thing that there is. Why?! What the hell is wrong with me?! I am so stupid. I'm going to be in school until I'm like 26. Seriously...that's 9 more years of school. Is that what I want? To spend the next 9 years preparing for some abstract floating goal of eventually owning my own practice? It's just all coming down to crunch time, I guess the pressure's getting to me. It's just I'm getting all this mail from colleges, except for the ones I want to go to.. And I took the SATs, and all that crap, you know. I was talking about it the other night. I know that like I sort of want to go to UPenn, but do I really? If I were to go there, that would be totally starting a new life. That's kind of scary. Like when you're little, you feel like you're never going to get where you are, and now you're there, and it's just kinda like ...shit. What do I do now? I'm not concerned in the least about leaving my family, but the whole disorientation. I wouldn't know anybody or where anything is or anything. But on the other hand, should I just settle for something less? Not that UF is a bad school, because it's not, but doesn't that kind of render IB totally pointless? What am I working my ass off for? When I get to college it's not going to be easy like it will be for a lot of IB kids, I'm going straight into that 19 chem, 15 bio thing. And I don't know any school outside of oklahoma that actually do give IB kids preference. Granted, the program boosts your HPA a little, but drags down GPA and extracurriculars too. You know what? I don't really give a shit. It's months before I have to apply to college, so I'm just gonna make an appointment with Ms. Kelly to ask her about visiting colleges and when I should take the ACTs and worry more about stuff that's happening like next week.

I say that, but you know I don't mean it.

Sing for me...