anachronism
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2005 2 August :: 7.09am
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Blowin' in the Wind
You've heard it all before.
This feels so weird.
I'm starting to look into college things. I'm finding the classes I want and looking into essays I can do for money and shit like that. I signed up on some website to help me search for scholarships/grants I can get.
It just feels so strange to me. I have one more year of Highschool.
I'm a senior. Saying it doesn't feel right.
I can't fucking wait to start my life.
I'm excited for college.
I just want to see what I can make of myself.
If what I picture will ever really happen or not.
At least I can say that I tried. Even if I fail.
I just can't wait..
9 bullets |
Load my gun
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anachronism
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2005 1 August :: 7.55pm
People keep reminding me.
Every day I still deal with someone asking me what happened that night.
It seems I'll have to deal with this for months. I've cut it down to one line when people ask now.
I'm not mad that people ask.
But, the fact that there's a story to be told stings my eyes with regret.
I want to forget. You have no idea how badly. I'm sick of writing about it. Talking, thinking about it.
Every way I try to escape it, it just follows me.
*sigh*
Why do things like this "just happen" ?
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anachronism
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2005 1 August :: 12.29pm
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
"You want to be a whore without claiming the title."
That line is so true to society.
I honestly don't think that could have been said any better.
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fallenfaces
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2005 1 August :: 11.33am
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Monday Morning
I don't want to try to convince you to feel anything or a certain way anymore.
I want you to feel that way all on your own.
I don't know why I can't just forget. I want to more than anything. Dwelling does nothing, but I just can't stop thinking.
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fallenfaces
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2005 29 July :: 6.57am
Do you see me staring at the ceiling?
I can't shake that image.
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fallenfaces
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2005 25 July :: 3.57pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - It Ain't Me Babe
Born Again.
I just started my life.
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anachronism
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2005 25 July :: 3.49pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right
I'm just trying to forget and move on.
It hurts, but I have to get past that.
I've never felt so much regret for one night.
dsbhfbsdhfbdshfhdsafadb;fjdasf
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anachronism
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2005 23 July :: 7.05am
Tainted.
Nothing will ever be the same.
I can't feel like I used to. All I want to do is go back a week and change everything.
I want to feel wanted. Like I'm the only one. Like I'm not only good enough, but I'm so much more. Not settled for.
I want to feel the security I felt a few days ago.
So cherished and loved.
But, everything's gone.
And I feel empty and sad.
His company doesn't even soothe me anymore because I feel worthless.
I hate myself.
Attachment is the worst disease. It makes you do stupid shit.
I feel stupid, like a pushover. People can just hurt me and get away with it because I feel so fucking strong and I care so fucking much.
I'm ruined. I feel like that spark of happiness and optimism is gone. My mind is poisoned with that image that won't go away.
Him and her..
I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I am what I never wanted to be.
Things will never be the same.
I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not confident with my body anymore.
When we kiss I don't feel special. That feeling of complete happiness is lost and replaced with him and her together. I'm not special or the only anymore. I'm just another.
And all of this makes me sick to my stomach.
I want true love and perfection. What I thought I had.
My future looks like a series of huge mistakes.
I have never cared so much about someone that has hurt me so much. I can't help it. I know what I should do, but I can't do it. I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't feel how they used to. Something left them.. and here I am..being more in love than ever.
"Go with your heart."
Nothing has ever been so wrong.
Don't.
Be careful.
Think.
Be willing to get hurt, 'cause you will.
Everyone is a liar.
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anachronism
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2005 20 July :: 10.05pm
Please just be happy for me and don't think I am a dolt.
God.. I can finally breathe.
So, we're back together.. sort of.
We talked for a few hours and we decided that we need to work on everything. We both need to change and make our relationship better to keep it stronger.
We're going to take everything slow and slowly get to being normal again.
It's not like everything is solved and we're completely happy.
We need time.
All I know is that losing him would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me at this point.
All the rumors have been cleared. Every little question has been answered. [Edit:The rumors were true. And the answers were false.]
It's not perfect and I'm not all joyous, but I'm much, much better.
I can finally stop crying and just eat something.
Thank you for all the support. Especially from the people I didn't expect it from.
I'm still kind've a wreck and complete drained of all energy.. but it'll fade and hopefully I, no we can just be happy again.
I love you.
On a side note, thank you most of all to Matt. You've been here the most. And today was awesome. What a good fucking talk. I mean, you even got burned by a McDonalds employee.
Digi mon! Digital monsters!
Also, Erika.. thank you for calling me. :)
6 bullets |
Load my gun
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fallenfaces
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2005 20 July :: 3.30pm
My mom threw all the flowers away that he has given me in the past.
I really wish she hadn't. That made it more final.
I know she's only trying to help though.
I'm not mad at her, I'm mad that they ever had a reason to be thrown away.
My family has been great with trying to help me.
But, nothing works.
Next test: If he actually shows up or blows me off.. again!
2 bullets |
Load my gun
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anachronism
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2005 20 July :: 1.53pm
Save me.
I've called everyone I know or they know to try and find him.
I left three messages begging him to call me back, only to find the phone to be turned off when I tried again. I figured my annoyance would be enough of a bother for him to just fucking talk to me.
I'm sure he cheated on me.
I know he lied to me.
I have no idea where the fuck he stayed last night.
It's like he was waiting to be single so he could just go back to being a piece of shit low life.
I tried to save him, because his friends are too fucking selfish to support him being a better person. And realize that there is a time to grow up.
It's not that I dislike any of his friends personally. I do like them, I just wish they would help him be better.
I've found that I've never loved someone as much as this and that I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. And now it's gone forever and I'm going to spend months crying, trying to just not waste away to nothing.
I loved him.. so fucking much. And what do I get? I get cheated on, lied to, and betrayed.
After one stupid fight.
I want to die.
It's fucking insane how things change so much.
True love? Bullshit.
You're the one person I thought would never hurt me. Ever!
I can't do anything.
I tried to sleep, I just cried.
I tried to eat, I just got sick.
I try to occupy my time with this stupid fucking computer and t.v. but nothing helps. I wish my memory could just be erased and I could be ok again.
I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying and I was too weak from not eating for two days.
I've never been so hurt in my life.
I can't believe you ruined me.
I'm a complete and total wreck.
Yours forever?
Forever must not be too long.
You ruiend everything. I didn't even get to expierence half of what a real relationship is. There was so much ahead of us that I was looking forward to.
Now what?!
What the fuck do I do!?!
15 bullets |
Load my gun
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anachronism
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2005 20 July :: 6.42am
I've never felt so low and alone.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't stop crying.
I can't even catch my breath to just breathe.
I feel like I'm constantly going to throw up.
Everywhere I look there's something that is his or reminds me of him.
Everything I do reminds me of him.
I can't escape and I feel so betrayed, angry, used, stupid, lied to!
The worst thing is, is that he doesn't care at all.
He's taking it fine.. while I'm here fucking dying.
He was like my God damn air and you can't have that just be with you one second and gone the next.
And I can't ever get him back. And that.. kills me more than anything ever could.
I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I know it's only been one day, but I can't take it.
One day is way too much.
I don't know what to do.
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anachronism
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2005 19 July :: 4.25pm
Tears staining my face.
I knew it couldn't last.
11 bullets |
Load my gun
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fallenfaces
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2005 19 July :: 7.09am
:: Music: Switchfoot - You
"From the day I saw you. You were always there."
This will change the rest of my life.
And here I sit .. clueless.
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anachronism
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2005 10 July :: 3.49pm
Leave a comment if you're in any of my classes.
12 bullets |
Load my gun
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anachronism
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2005 28 June :: 12.07pm
:: Music: Cursive - Bloody Murderer
Rent the movie is going to be in theatres soon! How kick ass is that?
In other news I got the position I wanted in Yearbook next year. Photo Features Editor. So I get to help people make their spreads cooler with photo shop and such. The yearbook will be kick ass next year. Guaranteed.
Brad and I are wonderful and things are going good.
7 bullets |
Load my gun
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fallenfaces
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2005 20 June :: 11.58am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
These past two days killed me.
I'm not too proud to say I am a terrible person. I'm a sarcastic bitch. I'm mean. I make fun of too much shit. I'm immature, selfish, rude. I'm everything you don't need. I need help.
Please just love me anyway.
I want to scream.
There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night (up all night)
When i'm lying awake at night.
Death Cab
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fallenfaces
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2005 17 June :: 12.35pm
:: Music: Eisley
To my friend. My only friend.
I love you.
6 months tomorrow. :)
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anachronism
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2005 11 June :: 1.02pm
I dreamt that I made out with Spiderman to save my life.
With the mask on and everything.
4 bullets |
Load my gun
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anachronism
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2005 5 June :: 11.22am
Happy Birthday Erika.. yesterday. I love you.
1 bullet |
Load my gun
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