A Colorful Merry-Go-Round Of Death

:: 2004 6 June :: 2.35pm

One thing's true; there's always a brand new day.

3 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 5 June :: 6.13pm

Anytime you want to be captured, just ask me. please.
I'm content. It's an odd feeling. Since school has been out I have been busy, and hanging out with people that don't annoy me, in fact they make me rather happy.

I hope the entire summer is this good, I actually hope it gets even better.

The first day was awesome, it only got better. I needed this, I was ready to die a few days ago. I was more than ready.

2 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 1 June :: 7.15pm

It's like a bird, trying to swim. With a fucking broken wing nonetheless.
I hate it here. I can't pretend I don't. I fucking hate it. I hate everything about it, I hate the people in it, I hate the fucking school, I hate the fucking birds that sing.

I can't see myself happy here, ever. Yeah, I'm happy from time to time, but actually staying happy. No.

Two more days. I can't fucking wait. I'd rather be home, bored to death.

Stacy:
I need new people.
Michelle:
new york people
Stacy:
Anywhere but here people.

fuck, fuuuck, fuck. [add the word fuck about a zillion more times and you won't begin to feel my frustration]

:: 2004 29 May :: 12.16am

I wish I could explain how I feel.. the truth is I don't even know.

So I can't.

Brad

:: 2004 28 May :: 12.19pm

hi everyone, for some reason i still have my account even though i didnt pay. i have bad news for everyone and especially myself. my hair...is gone. i used some straightening shit last night and it made all my hair fall out. and now im sad about it. im not coming to school for the last 3 days, i wont be seen like this. but anyway, blink concert was great everything is going ok i guess, ill see you all later.

Brad

9 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 26 May :: 3.32pm

It's me, ya know the dramatic bitchy girl?
"I need to grow up."
"Stacy.. we all need to."

:: 2004 25 May :: 10.05am

you're my wonderwall.
Everyone has to wake up from the deadest dreams with the coldest hands.

Someone wants me dead.

:: 2004 24 May :: 10.28pm

I fell into this seperate world, or so it seemed. I was standing, staring at everything all at once; a blur, yet so clear. I couldn't hear anything, silence. And when I awoke, even though I never slept, my head was pounding as the noise that never left seemed to scream inside of me.

I almost cried, then I thought fuck that.

"what?"

:: 2004 21 May :: 9.07pm

I think I need you.
Thunder storms bring back memories.

I'm ready.

:: 2004 16 May :: 12.19pm
:: Music: Finch - Awake

You took the world with you, so what is left for me?
I'm better now.

4 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 15 May :: 3.13pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes -Saturday as usual

I need something to fill up the days.
I'm sorry. I have no one to talk to or write to. So here I am. Don't bother reading this. I'm just going insane. Every day i feel myself leave my skin more and more. I don't know what to do anymore, what to say, what to think, where I'm going, what I'm doing wrong.. I blocked everyone on MSN, except two people or the people that never talk to me. Pulling myself away seems right.

I'm stuck here, and I don't even know where 'here' is. I'm one of those kids, you know the one who sits home on the weekends, with nothing to do.

I could be like him and bitch about people not keeping plans..when in reality he doesn't care. I'm so fucking important to him. I'm so sure. I'm so important to him that I mean nothing. I'm so important that it doesn't matter if I'm going to miss him. So important that when i was paying attention to him all he was thinking about was how others weren't. It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother.. and let it get to me? I shouldn't. But I do. I hope he finds more girls that are "so fucking hot" to make his day. Even though he's the one who said "It's not all about looks, the personailty is what draws us in." Bullshit.

I'm just like a little kid. Stubborn and stupid.
[edit; I realized my fadingfallenstar journal is me hiding. It's me, only fake. Only my happy thoughts. It's not me at all. This is. How terribly sad. So i guess what im saying is..I'm just a whiny little girl. Sad huh?]

4 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 15 May :: 11.01am
:: Music: AFI

if you listen.. listen close.
I feel so incomplete. So entirely let down, like my world didn't come crashing down, it just fell. Like my heart didn't break into pieces, it just stopped.. all in one second.

I don't know.

I thought wrong, I let myself get trapped.. again. I promised myself.. only to see my words mean nothing to me. (rhyming unintentional).

I need a break. Summer has never seemed so right.

I'm not complaining. Life could be so much worse. I realize that. I'm not depressed, or sad really. I just need something [someone].

"It doesn't matter how many people, it matters who the people are that care."

"It's better to be happy about nothing, then to be sad about nothing."
.. I think it's time I take my own advice.

:: 2004 12 May :: 7.02am
:: Music: Coheed & Cambria

A headache that just won't go away.
I feel as useless as a spare chess piece.
Someone save me.
I'm breaking.

..off to hell.

:: 2004 10 May :: 5.03pm

Don't be silly.
I was thinking back to when Michelle and I were in downtown Grand Rapids, and this bum (lack of better words) approached us, asking for money. Not un-common, there.. anyway. I remember him having a conversation with us then swearing and saying, "Oh, sorry.. I shouldn't speak like that in the presence of a lady." For some reason I thought that was amazing. For someone to even think, or acknowledge that. I think it's cute, and respectful. I wish men were still like that today.. but it's more like "I can't see the point in patient love when everyone just wants to get fucked" (Lyric- Bright Eyes). Such a true statement.

Not that, that has much to do with the whole respect thing. I just think guys seem to treat girls as a play thing more often these days. I wish that was different.. ah well.

After he said that, Michelle went on to say, "Oh don't worry, Stacy swears like a sailor." Haha.. true statement.

I kind of wish I was born back in a different erra. This one is shit. No one really respects people. So much hate, not many forgive, even though everyone is allowed to fuck up here and there (people need to realize everyone gets caught up in moments, where things are a blur..and there is no right or wrong). I could go on and on.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm far from it, but.. I wish things were different.

I finally know what I want fresh out of high school; I want to live in a busy town, with a lot of interesting people. In an apartment over looking the busy streets. I want to hear the cars driving by. The apartment would be filled with vinyls..filling the rooms with beautiful live sounding music, guitars would be placed throughout the rooms, interesting books would rest collecting dust, black and white photos would be hanging on the wall. Then by my side each night would be a boy that I am so much in love with, the entire city could burn all to hell, and I would be happy falling asleep next to him.

*Sigh* Sounds all to close to a dream.
but.. I believe one day.. it'll happen.

2 bullets | Load my gun

Brad

:: 2004 10 May :: 8.10am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Elvis - now or never

poopy
last night sucked, i was playing the sims and talking to kelly on the phone and the power went out..it stayed out until like 3 or 4 in the morning. i tried to pack some of the stuff in my room but it got too dark and candles suck balls. but at like 2 in the morning the fire alarms went off for some reason and scared the shit out of me. i thought my house was burning down again. my parents are leaving this wednesday until sunday. and they're taking the truck so i have no vehicle. i just got done taking my exam for econ and this fuck sitting next to me cheated and copied like my entire exam. hopefully i did good cuz if i didnt then i fail this class. anyway i need to find something to do. later

Bradley

4 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 9 May :: 11.53am
:: Music: Against Me! - Baby, I'm an Anarchist!

:)
perfect.

:: 2004 7 May :: 2.00pm

Love is friendship set on fire.
Trying to win someones heart..
Desperate? Yes.
Sad? Yes.
Risky? Yes.

What do I have to lose? A lot of hope.

An endless amount of wasted love.

..fucking beautiful.

2 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 6 May :: 3.05pm

"What did I do now?"

Not enough. Or too much. Whatever way you choose to look at it.

brad

:: 2004 6 May :: 8.23am
:: Mood: yup
:: Music: Elvis - teddy bear

mkay
yo people, havent updated in a while. prom was fun..that was a pretty fun weekend in all. lately things have been good. my cousin is getting better. ive been buying stuff lately. i got kelly a ring, i bought myself some clothes and i bought 2 elvis movies (jailhouse rock and wild in the country) and i got 2 dvd's on his life and one is all concert stuff. its pretty cool. me and kelly are working on 8 months. then it'll be 4 months to a year..its going by pretty damn fast and everything is still going uphill. this summer there must be at least 2 road trips. we all need to hang out more at parties and stuff. be an actual group like we used to be. you think about that people! ill see you all later.

Bradley

:: 2004 27 April :: 8.02pm

I mean whatever will make you want me.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter.