A Colorful Merry-Go-Round Of Death

:: 2004 26 April :: 7.31pm
:: Music: DESAPARECIDOS - man and wife the former

Here comes the rain again.
I don't say 'I love you' so anyone says it back. I say it for myself.

Remember that.

:: 2004 26 April :: 8.53am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Elvis - Teddy Bear (let me be your)

purple pen
This weekend: played football friday..was fun for the most part, jay hurt his knee..helped him out there and whatnot. hes doing fine i suppose. stayed the night at perry's with jimmy. smoked cigars on his roof talking about ghost's and whatnot spooking eachother. spent the rest of my weekend with my kelly. we went out to greenville and stuff last night, went out to eat. its always nice to go out with her places. last thursday was 7 months for me and her..everything is still going great. ill e moving in within a month or so. but yeah other than that..not much has happened. its good to see that almost everyone is getting along. no fights going on that has'nt been happening forever. i just got a cool pen for signing the prom promise...and some juicy fruit..its good stuff..anyway, im gonna get going kids. later

Brad

5 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 23 April :: 8.54pm

Sad entries of a depressed girl.
If you don't want to hear about love, dissapointments, and the past I suggest you don't read this.

How should I start? Hmm.. What about some memories from the past? First topic: Jake. as in my first real relationship, first love, and my first kiss; Jake. The first time we met was odd. I met him around 10pm..I looked like shit. (I usually do, but I mean ultimately un attractive). It had rained so my makeup was fucked, my hair was complete shit, and I was in shitty clothes. Just everything. We talked, but I could tell he didn't like me as more than a comical friend. (I can read guys like a damn book. I know if a guy likes me, hates me, or as just a friend. I just know). Anyway, the second time we met I wasn't looking as shitty, then he started getting interested. I was as well. We talked, we went out. I remember The Bean like it was yesterday. He was my first kiss. I can see it all happening. I was staring into his eyes, I watched him come closer, tilt his head, I closed my eyes and felt his warm lips press against mine. We both stopped, looked at eachother, kinda giggled (because we could both feel our face showing the biggest smiles). I rested my head onto his chest and listend to his racing heart beat. I can't remember how many times the words, "I love you." were said that night. It's funny how it all ended. I thought things were going way too fast. Told him, we broke up. He plunged into depression, went to the doctor for it and had to take pills. We fought. A lot. I cried. Every night. He slowly slipped away. We both still loved, but we were not in love. He eventually got over it. Dated some girls, he currently has a girlfriend. I haven't talked to him in months and he is completely out of my life. Do i miss him? Not really. Did I? Yes.

His life got better. Mine stayed the same. Alone. I haven't dated anyone this entire year. As much as I enjoy being single, I miss having someone. I love cuddling, holding hands, and just having someone there for me. Just like any other pathetic teenager.

No one understands how right Karl is for me. We are so much alike, no one sees it. I do, more than anything. He's just.. *sigh* and nothing is happening. I can't see myself dating anyone from cedar (Karl's an exception) because all my friends that are guys, I have flirted with, or whatever and if I was to date them it would only fuck shit up. I wouldn't hurt a friend for a guy ever. Everyone says that, the difference with me saying it? I mean it.

Another issue..I have no expierence. The most I have done is kissed a guy. Jake. Once. So dating any of my current guy friends would be completely retarded. None of them are virgins. I would feel like an ass. I need someone at the same level.. (Karl). But I don't see that going anywhere.

So where do I go from here? No where.

I'm still kinda hurt frome everything that has happened in the past few weeks. I'll get over it. I just need time and I need to mature. Too bad I'm a stupid little girl. Huh?

Love me..
Stacy.

3 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 22 April :: 7.21pm

Our love would never die. Well ha ha ha.

You'd always be there, where are you now? -Bright Eyes - Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

:: 2004 20 April :: 9.42pm

As for an update..
Today Neilee and I were joking around. Holding hands saying we were lesbians, I bet your wondering 'why the hell is she telling me this?' well because..I'M A LESBIAN..or not. I'm telling you because a few people wouldn't even walk by us because they were honestly embarrased. They told us to stop, and they were serious. Keep in mind we were only holding hands. Then one of them said "You know all those people are gonna wonder about you!" as if I cared what jocks thought or anyone else of that matter.

It kinda showed me how unaccepting people are. How people jump to conclusions and how completely ignorant people can be.

You care too much. Don't take life so seriously.

:: 2004 20 April :: 8.48pm

And why would you settle for anything less?
Shut up and read this, it's a little bit of an interview with Conor.

Interviewer: So some of the references like babies in bathtubs are not biographical?
(referring to the song, Padraic My Prince)

Oberst: Well, I did have a brother who died in a bathtub . . . drowned. Actually, I had five brothers that died that way. No, I'm serious. My mother drowned one every year for five consecutive years. They were all named Patrick.
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Interviewer: Now, you mentioned empathy for others, would you say that is what motivates you to make the music that you make?

Conor Oberst: No, not really. It's more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like the feel of the burn of the audiences' eyes on me when I'm whispering my darkest secrets. .

When I was a kid, I used to carry this safety pin around with me, everywhere I went, in my pocket, and when people weren't paying enough attention to me, I'd dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter.

Interviewer: You're telling me you're doing all this for attention?

Conor Oberst: No! I hate it when people look at me. I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less what people think about me.
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Interviewer: How about this Arienette, how does she fit into all this?

Oberst: I prefer not to talk about it, in case she's listening.

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I didn't realize she's a real person.

Oberst: She's not, I made her up.

Interviewer: So she's not real?

Oberst: Just as real as you or I.

Interviewer: I don't think I understand.

Oberst: Neither do I, but after I grow up I will.

I find him (conor oberst -lead singer of Bright Eyes) one of the most interesting people alive.

Thats all for now.

:: 2004 19 April :: 8.02am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: Elvis Presley - Dont be cruel

Life goes on
Hello everyone. As most of you DONT know my cousin is in the hospital, he's been having breathing problems and hes on life support. he almost died...thats why i missed school last week and why i may have seemed to be depressed. my sister was put in jail the other day for throwing a party when my parents were out of town. the cops showed up and everyone was drunk, now my dad is trying to take ashley away from my mom but thats not going to happen. but now shes moving to ohio as well. my family pretty much consists of like 5 people. thats all i have..anyway, i joined a crazy band (metro boys) with all the members from forever december but Kyle and George. Rob sings, Dusty plays drums, Randy sings and Andy plays bass..and i of course play guitar. we're hoping to get together more now since Rob gets out of school like this week. so thats gonna be cool. my mom is giving me her truck so ill have a vehicle. my school life is horrible. i dont know what im doing about all that though. ill worry about that later. but i think i need to get going. to do my resume. ill see you all later, if you have any questions..ask. later

Bradley

12 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 9 April :: 1.20pm

The Calendar Hung Itself - Bright Eyes

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched? And does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much? Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes. Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor? For every speck of tile there are a thousand more that you won�t ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally. I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death. In every city, memories would whisper, "Here is where you rest." I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours. In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed. And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands. And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry�s end where I wrote, You make me happy when the skies are gray You make me happy the skies are gray and gray and gray. Well the clock�s heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days. For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed. And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

:: 2004 3 April :: 7.16pm

Allow me to bitch. thanks.
So. I emailed him. Pouring my heart out only to get a three sentence response. No apology..nothing. I thought I may have had a few things missunderstood, apparently I couldn't have been more right. I hate that. I hate him. Why me? Why didn't he choose some other girl to fuck with? Oh wait...he did. It's a part of who he is. [insert witty lyric here : everyone knows you're conscientious..everyone knows you're quite flirtacious]. I am so bitter. However I have all the reason to be. I need to erase him. But instead I'm just gonna fake it, pretend I'm not angry..just pretend. I seem to be ok with doing that every day anyways. I'm filled with so much hate. I want to let it go. (let it go Stacy, just let. it. go.)

*sighs* It's nights like these I wish I never got introduced into the circle. I scorn it.

:: 2004 1 April :: 8.06am
:: Music: D12 - Pistol Pistol

today's the talent show, its going to be fun. im in stomp, i hope everyone likes it. i got my actual license in the mail yesterday, now i dont have to deal with using stupid paper. i look horrible in the picture but oh well. im hoping to have a great spring break. i wanna hang out with everyone and hope to have a party somewhere. im so bored, i wish you all a happy spring break! later.

Brad

3 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 30 March :: 8.21am
:: Mood: somewhat depressed
:: Music: D12 - Purple Pills

in the blink of an eye
well...everything is going to hell. my parents are moving to Ohio in a few months...and theres nothing i can do about it. im trying to find a place to stay for when that time comes. everyone seems to be getting hurt or sick. my mom is having problems..my sisters face is swollen from her tooth..kelly fractured her ankle and has lahrengitus(i have no idea how to spell that) and shes been feeling horrible and hasnt been coming to school. i just wanna be with her so i can take care of her. my dad called last night and hes all pissed about my mom leaving me and my sister, but i think my sister is going to be forced to move to Ohio...which means im on my own.(not cool) i dont know what to do about all this. ive never lived without my mom..i know its going to be the hardest thing to do leaving her. oh well...ill try to worry about all this when the time comes to decide. last night me and jay went to the little thing at the school with mr. hazel and molly's little gig. that was alright..i didnt know it was all going to be about god. oh well, me and jay were out driving around all day yesterday. im going to be doing stomp for the talent show. i get to skip a bunch of hours to work on stuff. kellys birthday is in 7 days. i have to get her something for sure. but anyway, i think im gonna get going. see ya

Brad

6 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 28 March :: 7.59pm

"All in good time, my love. All in good time."

brad

:: 2004 25 March :: 8.39am

once again its been a while since ive updated. not much has happened, i got my license a while ago..no working vehicle. oh well. this weekend should be fun. im going with kelly to a youth group thing, hopefully thats fun. jay wont go so im trying to get tony to go. im sure tony would have more of an open mind. i just want it to turn out. anyway, im hoping to have a party for kellys birthday since she cant have one at her house. but i must go now.

3 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 12 March :: 3.40pm

Stop moving so fast. It makes me feel alone.
Today in sixth hour I just walked over to the window and looked outside. I felt so alone. watching the world fly by me..everyone was talking, and laughing..I could hear it all..yet I didnt care enough to listen..due to the tiredness of highschool drama. At this point I'm starting to let go. I love being a kid. I can't believe I am going to be a junior. Everyone takes everything so seriously. Planning for college. Trying to figure out what they are gonna do with their life. Then there is me. Not worried whatsoever. Maybe it's a bad thing. But I don't care. My life isn't all going to shit. I'm a good kid..I'll find my way..until then I'm content with being lost. I'm content with seeing what others miss..and yet here I am waiting for that somone to find me.

brad

:: 2004 12 March :: 9.44am
:: Mood: cheery i guess
:: Music: the D- tribute

dun dun dun
yo people, havent updated in a little while..again. oh well, tomorrow im going to the play, hopefully its as good as everyone says its going to be. today im going to kelly's after school, then im going toa concert with dusty and then to a birthday party thing. that should be fun. havent really hung out with dusty in a long time so it'll be good. ill have my license in 7 days, cant wait. its been forever. hawk talk is stupid today...who the fuck wants to watch about changing your oil, justin and sandy, your stupid! (hense the sandy beaver production) im really bored and im supposed to be doing my stocks right now but i dont want to..within a couple of weeks my hair will finally be actual brown, and one color. that'll be nice for a change. black just doesnt look good anymore. anywho, im gonna get going. i love you all (kelly more) goodbye

Bradley

4 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 10 March :: 4.54pm

ice and strobe lights..could this be a sign? hahaha! of course it is..why even think about it!
This could be the start to a complete disaster. However.. I am all for it.

I can't wait much longer.

I was re-reading my past entries. It should be titled "Chapters about a depressed girl who needs to shut the hell up."
Yes. That would fit it quite well.

I smiled. I tried to hide it. So what if I liked it a little.

:: 2004 6 March :: 9.08am
:: Music: Boxcar racer- I feel so

Sometimes.
It's hard not to worry and feel like shit when you have hurt someone you love with all your heart. He says not to worry..he says he'll just give up..he says he wanted to kiss me but he's gonna forget it all.

Maybe he should. Just maybe..

2 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 4 March :: 8.59pm

I have been trying to open his eyes..only to see that he is blind.

brad

:: 2004 3 March :: 8.22am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: thursday - this song has been brought to you by a falling bomb

1st hour
well there seems to be a lot of issues going on throughout the group again. joe's being an ass, nate's running his mouth about life again..its all pretty lame, especially when you have to steal someones account to go behind their back and read their personal stuff. thats pretty low. i tell ya, if that happened to me and i knew who it was (joe) i wouldnt just let it slip, jays going easy on joe, but im not gonna get all into that now. anyway, last night i had to help jason get his semi out of the muddy driveway, i guess driving a semi isnt all that hard. jason told me hes going to take the engine out of my car and put it in a 89 body of a mustang. which is going to be awesome. ill have my license in 16 days, that as well will be awesome. me and kelly are doing great, i dont seem to be fighting with anyone..well besides nate, but he's not fighting back. because he knows what he did wasnt cool. but im going to go back to my internet browsing, have fun.

Bradley

:: 2004 2 March :: 7.13pm

Talking to myself:

I hate when you're right.