::
2004 12 May :: 6.56 pm
It’s amazing how you can bring out the evil in someone when you simply just have a problem in your life. 7 months ago you find out that your daughter has a problem, but the part you don’t know is that its you. What do you do? Send her to a shrink OFCOURSE! Since that’s the solution to everything. I can’t believe that was over 4 months ago and I weaseled my way out of the shrink and the whole situation in its entirety. I also can’t believe I can’t let that go. I guess I’m just overly betrayed to the point where the word “forgiveness” doesn’t exist anymore, at least not under this roof. Sometimes I’m just like GET OVER IT!
I want to let it go, but I don’t think I can, more of I know I can’t. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I’m my own person….in this past year or so I’ve had to be more independent than I ever will have to be. I’ve kept my life on track so far, and I’m proud of myself for that. I’ve had to comfort myself in times of sorrow and lift myself up from the depths of despair and it hasn’t been easy. I’ve managed it all on my own. I guess maybe I am a true loner at heart, that and I have an immense fear of rejection from people around me…
Well, my life will continue to be a never-ending mystery… I’ll just have to except it for how it is; the good and the bad. Oh, and this doesn’t mean I’m giving up my idea about moving in with Carinna around next year, hell yeah. Carinna, You’ve made me a happier person..and I thank you for that.
Well, today has been an awkward day and to top it off I just found an Apple Jack in my hair…yes I did eat it. My guess is that it has only been in there for a minute or so … lol
As for my day at school yesterday…I’m sure you can guess. GAY lol. Wheel barrels in gym, funny stuff as to running stadiums, not so funny lol yet I still laugh. Today was also again, gay. I think in times like these I am thankful for the friends I have that keep a smile on my face.
I’m going through all my notebooks tonight and typing up all my poems, I think I might have around 20? hmm
Long entry today. There will be longer trust me.
Later
1 *KiSs |
Blow me a... |
::
2004 10 May :: 6.54 pm
Is it an international girl thing to become easily attached to people who you don't really even know?
hmm.....
When I went to the Muskegon mall it was nice to see unfamiliar faces... I want to leave this town and never look back
Blow me a... |
::
2004 10 May :: 6.35 pm
And I had to be Juliet today..I almost shot myself...atleast 3 full pages of dialogue...Ay...After awhile I thought the sound of my own voice was getting annoying.. lol
Blow me a... |
::
2004 10 May :: 3.10 pm
Sometimes I like think things in my head, like work problems out. But they come to me at weird times like right before I start to fall asleep, or when I'm outside for gym running. The things I think of are like little pieces of information that I haven't figured out about myself. It's like putting pieces together of a puzzle if you will... Long story short, I had one of those lastnight and I was going to type it up at 11:40 pm but I couldn't because my sister was on in her room, which pissed me off... so I have forgotten all that was cluttering my mind lastnight..and I didn't think I would forget, I know it was important...I know that sounded weird, nevermind I don't know what I'm talkin about lol
School was gay as usual. I raised my grade in math but I have to have proof so tomorrow I'll have Finch Bitch print out a progress report. As always, Kyle was destractive and disrupted my learning. lol how silly.
When school is over, I guarentee you I will be overly excited...Nothing beats sleeping in until noon to make lunch at watch Good Day Live, I love you Gillian Barbery lol
hmm... Math Homework, Design...and Science.. not too bad. Most can be done in the morning lol
1 *KiSs |
Blow me a... |
::
2004 9 May :: 4.00 pm
...Break the Silence...
You make me feel (so alive that I'm) trying hard not to (make moves, choosing the wrong place
and time) everyone will know, the minute we let it go. I can't hold it anymore, let's be
original.
No holds barred, can you feel it? Coming along, break the silence, non directional - No holds
barred can you feel it coming along, it's on. Hit the switch and turn me on.
You make me feel complicated, sometimes I try to explain the way you took me, turn it all
around, everyone will know the minute we let it go. I can't hold it anymore, let's be orignal.
No holds barred, can you feel it? Coming along, break the silence, non directional - No holds
barred can you feel it coming along, it's on. Hit the switch and turn me on. No holds barred,
can you feel it? Coming along, break the silence, non directional - No holds barred can you
feel it coming along, it's on. Hit the switch and turn me on.
I'm crawling my way through, I'm falling into you, I'm turning on things I thought I knew. I'm
slippin away, everytime I try to be more like you.
No holds barred, can you feel it? Coming along, break the silence, non directional - No holds
barred can you feel it coming along, it's on. Hit the switch and turn me on. No holds barred,
can you feel it? Coming along, break the silence, non directional - No holds barred can you
feel it coming along, it's on. Hit the switch and turn me on.
Let's get it on. If you feel it coming on, If your real then come along if you feel the song.
Come on, bring it on, bring it on. Let's get it on, if you feel it coming on. If your real then
come along, if you feel the song, Come on bring it on, bring it on. Let's get it on. If you
feel it coming on, If your real then come along if you feel the song. Come on, bring it on,
bring it on. Let's get it on, if you feel it coming on. If your real then come along, if you
feel the song, Come on bring it on, bring it on.
Blow me a... |
::
2004 9 May :: 3.44 pm
:: Music: Thousand Foot Krutch- Rockfist
"Throw up your RoCkFisT if your feelin it when I drop THIS"
I actually completed all of my homework before 3:30...which scares me slightly...I've never done my homework on a Sunday before like 9 pm. Hmm...
4 weeks left, not even really.
Blow me a... |
::
2004 9 May :: 10.28 am
went to muskegon again yesterday. Got some flip flops and a shirt at charlotte russe. Then went to sam's club on the way home. Wow, so not fun. I missed a party lastnight because I'm "grounded".
So, today's Mother's Day, my Dad got my mom some flowers and a card. I'm glad that's all he got her. She didn't even say "Thank You". Why do I have a suspicious feeling that we're only celebrating mother's day because we have to?.....
Blow me a... |
::
2004 7 May :: 7.05 pm
All the good times are fading into bad ones again....I don't think I've been this filled with anger and hurt since then.....
They can all go to hell.
I don't know when I'll be on the internet next because I'm grounded..so until then..
later
Blow me a... |
::
2004 6 May :: 11.36 am
Wowww maybe I should start watching what I write in this thing, today at school like 5 people came up to me sayin stuff about somethin I wrote about Barnes...
Righttttttttt....Okay, to clear it up, it was all sarcasm and joking around? His girlfriend got pissed at him for who knows what so whatever, I guess I'm sorry?
Anyyyyyywayyyyy
I think I'm going to make ramen noodles and watch some tv...later
Blow me a... |
::
2004 5 May :: 8.35 pm
I need to write, I need to wrinte, I need to write, not cry, write. Why do I have this new lingering suspicion that everything I worked for this past year is worthless? It's like I've tried so hard to not be myself and for so long that I don't even know who or waht I am anymore. Okay, So maybe I'm crying now. Its the only way I know of to deal with this. Talking never helps, there is no one to talk to. I feel so overwhelmed with this sense of reality that's hitting me so hard.
Last night I went through all of my notebooks and re-read everything from these past 2 years. I don't know how I felt when I was done. I stayed up all night laying in the dark trying to make something, anything out of my life. I think I've been deeply effected by a lot that has gone on...I feel confused more so then the last time I questioned myself. I should be happy or atleast remotely pleasesd. I don't know what happy is to me anymore. I'm just returning to the old me and it's resurfacing faster each day. I don't want this summer to be like last. Where I sat and did nothing forcing myself to be trapped indoors. I didn't want to see anyone. I don't want to have to be put through all the endless questioning again on why "I don't hang out with people" or "Where are all your friends, do you have any?" which is an asshole thing to say coming from my own mother. I won't take that I've grown too wise for that. I just wish I could love my life and not have to be disrupted by constant doubts and feeling so alone. I just wish I had someone to be here for me in a physical affectionate aspect. I just want to be held, then maybe all this shit will go away...
Blow me a... |
::
2004 5 May :: 6.38 pm
The end is near.
My mom is going to quit taking her Paxil soon... All hell will break....I know it will
lol
Blow me a... |
::
2004 5 May :: 3.07 pm
:: Music: Usher-Burn
Wow.
I just got done scarfing down a pb&j sandwhich since I never eat lunch at school and if I do its like..cereal. lol Needless to say, I forgot my lunch card today. Kennen spilled hi-c stuff allll over Em today, she like made screeming noises that sounded like a dying cat and everyone in the lunch room was looking over at our table..it was still funny. I love you Emily you're silly lol.
We ran on the cross country track thing today and holy shit it was gay. I have blisters on both heels..Damn socks. Atleast I wasn't the last one done, I always have I weird fear about that. Anyways, it sucked ass. I hope we NEVER do that again lol There was like glass in the dirt, I was like woow this is safe....as people are tripping over stumps etc. lol
I think I did good on my math test. It will bring my grade up to a C range lol then I'll be ungrounded from the internet probably. WOW Grounded from the internet, I just sneak on anyways. What a bunch of dildos....seriously.
We'll I'm out, I think I need a nap!
Later
Blow me a... |
::
2004 4 May :: 7.02 pm
:: Music: Fugees-Ready or Not
I think I'm grounded off the internet because I have a D+ in math, that's my fault though and partially kyle's because according to mrs.finsh he "disrupts" my learning. Way to go Kyle..lol
I'm sneaking on the internet of course, there's no other way. I already studied for like an hr for a math test that I have tomorrow. If I get caught on I'll just say I'm asking someone for "help" hah.
Today was ok. It was weird in 6th hr without Carinna but I talked to Samara the whole time and we chilled and tried to get Stephanie Tucker to say stupid things or swear..I wanted to hear her say nigger but I didn't want to say anything lol she wouldn't even say shit. lol Carinna you missed that part.
Barnes needs to go shopping and wear shirts other than ones that say "waterpolo" on them. And he also needs to learn the golden rule not to wear black with navy..holy shit..lol
I think I'm going to go..I'll study some more..then just sit around I guess lol Maybe catch a movie on digital cable.
Chappelle show is on tonight
Blow me a... |
::
2004 3 May :: 7.24 pm
Wow today was gay I don't want to explain everthing because it's just like every other day..
We did 2 miles in gym today. Wow considering that it was like 30 degrees out and windy it sucked.
It will take me probably atleast 2 more hours to finish my Design thing. I'm only online right now because I'm on a bathroom break.
I have to send out woohu money tomorrow before I forget and it's too late lol.
Later
Blow me a... |
::
2004 2 May :: 7.28 pm
:: Music: Finger 11- Stay in Shadow
Shopping
Hey, Today was actually ok. It didn't exactly turn out like I thought but Hey, I still got clothes. I went to Charlotte Russe and got 2 tanks and a skirt. That's it my mom wouldn't let me get anything else lol Wet seal didn't really have anything and I didn't have much time in Hollister..oh well.
The wedding shower was ok. I sat around while people told me my outfit was cute and that I was pretty...also that I look like I'm 20..haha SCORE! I wonder if I can go buy alcohol now...Nah, not worth the chance of getting arrested lol
Oh yeah! MEAN GIRLS was a good movie! I wouldn't mind seeing it for a second time! Actually I think next time we go we'll probably see envy or something. At first it was just going to be steph and I because we couldn't get a hold of Carinna and Danielle but then Carinna came online and Danielle called like 20 mintues before we were going to leave so we all got there like 10 minutes late but thats ok. haha It was fun.
Blow me a... |
|