:: 2003 18 December :: 7.38 pm

Oh life is wonderful.......
Wednesday I went to this counceling thing. It was ok I guess. I kindof felt like I was there because I had a problem or I was some kind of freak though. I didn't really feel at ease at all. I beged not to go but my mom doesn't care what I want out of this. All she is concerned about is how we can do it her way. Why do they call it counceling when it feels like your at a shrink? You walk in there and there's a 2 chairs and a couch for you to either sit or lay on. When you talk about things that bug you and problems you have all they ever do is go "Uh huhh" in that simpathetic tone. This is their job. I don't think they give a shit about their patients. They want you to talk only so they can tell you that your a "sad/ depressed angry person". Damn right your going to be angry when you've been through this kind of shit.

Anyways, Tomorrow I have to leave school eairly like 1:15 to go to the doctors to get my prescripted anti-depressant and I have to exercise everyday because its supose to make me "happy". I went to champion after school and it did no good. Exercising isn't going to solve anything except for maybe dropping a couple pounds. That's not going to change how I feel or who I am. These shrinks get paid too much..It's like they make up their own diognosis and solutions to everything. I have to go back in January..ugh. Maybe this time I won't cry.

Tomorrow I plan on leaving my house ASAP to get away with Carinna and maybe others to go to LOTR The Return of the King. I hear its a 3 hour movie so that will be good. Then I'll probably spend the night at Carinnas and probably stay there forever lol. Ya right, I wish.

I was given all sorts of some form of rules or something that irritatied me.
*I'm not aloud to not talk because I'm being a bitch to everyone in the house
*I have a feeling that i'm not aloud to stay home alone
*I can't hold a grudge against my sister or I get in trouble of course.
* and if i'm rude to anyone I get everything taken away from me.

How is this supose to help me again? And what pissed me off the most is when I got up and walked away my dad goes "Shes only mad because she got her internet taken away." YES THATS FUCKING IT DAD. I GET MAD AND GO CRY AND WANT TO PUNCH THINGS AND WHAT NOT JUST BECAUSE I CANT GO ON THE INTERNET THATS EXACTLY HOW IT IS.. BOY YOU KNOW ME PRETTY WELL I GUESS I'M JUST THAT FUCKING PREDICTABLE. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. And I'm mad because.....? This is what I have to go through they dont care what I have to say. Even if I say something they dont listen to it. Tonight I talked about going somewhere for like 10 minutes to my mom then I said something about it again like 5 minutes later and she said "you never told me that" She didnt even listen. Even if it was important she never listens if it is anyways. I don't want to talk to you people can't you see that. My skin crawls just living with you. But guess what? I'm going to put on a happy face just for you. I'm not going to put up with you fucking my life more than you already have. I'm done with it I really am. Don't expect me to be happy. I want to see your faces if I tell you that your the cause of all this shit. I bet they totally shit all over the councelor parent interview...I know they did.

2 *KiSses | Blow me a...

:: 2003 14 December :: 7.32 pm

"Take Me Under"

Now it seems I’m fading
All my dreams are not worth saving
I’ve done my share of waiting
And I’ve still got nowhere else to go
So I wait for you to
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Seems you’re wanting me to stay
But my dreams would surely waste away
And I still have nowhere else to go
So I wait for you to
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Push me under
Pull me father
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Push me under
Pull me father
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Now it seems you’re leaving
But we’ve only just begun
And you’ve still got nowhere else to go
So I wait for you to
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Push me under
Pull me father
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Push me under
Pull me father
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

And I’ve been waiting so long
And I’ve been waiting so long
And I’ve been waiting so long

So I wait for you to
Take me all the way

Push me under
Pull me father
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Push me under
Pull me father
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

And I’ve been waiting so long
And I’ve been waiting so long
And I’ve been waiting so long

So I wait for you to
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Blow me a...

:: 2003 14 December :: 4.24 pm

You get use to living your live in private. Then you like it. You like how you can keep things in your own place, in your own world if you will. You have a life beyond the knowledge of people living in the same house as you. But then it's all taken away in less than seconds. All taken away. Then you don't have your secrets you dont have your private box. Your stripped instantly on a stool just for everyone to examine you and make statements about you and interrogate you. All of this chain reaction because of one person. One person who you hate so much that your eyes swell up whenever you think about them. A person who causes you to have so much pain and dispare. Someone who you thought would help you. Who you thought would always be there when you grow up to get you out of trouble..Someone who you use to look up to when you were little. but you never thought they could make you cry like this. Never thought they could tear apart your life so quickly...and unexpected.

Blow me a...

:: 2003 14 December :: 9.56 am

As much as I want to go back to sleep I can't. But I will try..I have to try.

2 *KiSses | Blow me a...

:: 2003 13 December :: 6.03 pm

Fucking ass hole...motherfucking ass hole...

What the hell were you thinking? Your didn't help you made it worse. I'll never forgive you. Never. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS OR HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED THAT YET? I HATE YOU I HOPE YOUR READING THIS. Oh and I bet you'll go show mom won't you?

Now I cant get out of here. Are you happy? If you didn't say anything I could be gone right now. I could be out of this shit. Thanks a lot ...just thanks

Blow me a...

:: 2003 12 December :: 3.26 pm

You fucking bastard. You just decide that you won't pick me up from school. I'm outside in the cold standing for 40 minutes and you dont show. What do you think I'm thinkin...started to get worried that something might have happened meanwhile while my hands are numb. So I decide to ride the god damn bus home and as soon as I get here you laugh and just didn't pick me up because you didn't feel like it. Fucking ass hole. You dont even give a shit do you? Real funny.

God...

Blow me a...

:: 2003 11 December :: 8.14 pm
:: Mood: irritated

errggg...


Well, One more day. Unfortunatly my moms making me babysit tomorrow without my consent ofcourse. Bitch. Atleast I'll get money to buy some presents for people. I hate babysitting god damnit . Thanks alot for ruining my Friday night, I know you don't give a shit about me.

Everyone socialized in the living room while I slept/sat in the dark in my room by myself. Having to sit in my room being able to hear my mom talk about me. Does she think I can't hear her? Then theres Ashley with the whole "MOMMY LOOK AT WHAT I DID! I GOT A'S ON MY PROGRESS REPORT!" its always like that..always.."LOOK AT WHAT I DID" "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!" what the hell is she trying to prove? That shes not a dumbass? I don't even care if she reads this or not. I'm past the point of even caring. I have A's. You don't see me saying anything about them do you? Oh, and ofcourse Ashley always gets a good job. I get a "you can do better". Well i can "get better parents" too if I wanted to but I can't can I? Go to hell.

You know not one word was said to me by my mom. Shes been bitching for over 7 hours about how work is so difficult. No matter if it wasnt difficult or not she's always bitching. She never and I mean never has anything nice to say about anyone. Not even her own kids. Not even to her own kids faces. I have so much resentment for her I'm never going to try to look past it. It goes downhill from here...I dont want her acceptance. I dont want her attention. Not anymore. I could care less. How could she be so blind. My own mother... How can you not see how I am...how I've been effected.... I want her to feel the pain that I do. I want that more than anything in my life... Well, almost more than anything..

4 *KiSses | Blow me a...

:: 2003 10 December :: 7.06 pm

Oh and by the way, I finally got my cookies and creame micro shake. Good way to end a night...well one good way ;) lol

Blow me a...

:: 2003 10 December :: 3.18 pm

16.9 FL OZ in an Aquafina water bottle...Purity Guaranteed


Today wasn't interesting at all. Not. At. All. To sum up the vibe of this day..it was basically boring like every other day..but more than usual. What a bunch of mumbo jumbo.

Well, I got to school...went to the library and sat with Kylee, Jeremiah, and Em to do some homework then I saw Zach so I left and we just walked around for a while and in the process of walking I got him like 8 times in the cheek which is pathetic..lol then Carinna came and I went with her to 1st hr. Wow. Then from there on I dont even give a shit to talk about it.

Well good news is that I have A, A-,B+, B+, then 2 C's.... 2 C's could be easily raised to Bs and 2 B+ could be easily raised to A-'s...yes..even more mumbo jumbo....

Nap time? NO. I spit at nap time. I must finish homework so I'm not stressed out so much during the day to get it all done. Although civics i just write crap in the blanks like "jesse gill hids from the irs because he has porn on his computer" and shit like that and Mr.R doesn't even read it. Good thing he doesn't..ha....

Later

Blow me a...

:: 2003 9 December :: 7.43 pm
:: Music: Gauge 32- Faceless

Blow me a...

:: 2003 8 December :: 7.16 pm

I'm not in a good mood....everytime I stop to think I can't it gets blocked out by my eyes swelling up....

What do you call this one?

Blow me a...

:: 2003 8 December :: 3.22 pm

I love the places that we go, I love the people that u know, I love the way you can't say no

Today was interesting... I stayed home sick and slept pretty much the whole day away. None the less, it was pretty boring. Tomorrow it will be back to school and back to all that shit. Oh well, right.

1 *KiSs | Blow me a...

:: 2003 7 December :: 11.56 pm

I like the dirt thats on your knees..I like the way you still say please You're like my favorite damn disease
She gets home
Washes off her face
Hates her body
Mind
And soul
Thinks about giving up this time
If only she weren’t so low
But when everyone’s gone and
Nothing's left
Loneliness assembles in her barren chest
She gives up all hope and dreams
If only the world could her screams

Alone and grasping out for more
She wishes she thought of this before
Let the bottle relieve this stress
So she could descend into nothingness
(Nothingness)

Blow me a...

:: 2003 6 December :: 6.06 pm

I LOVE FEELING THIS WAY

Blow me a...

:: 2003 6 December :: 2.08 pm

Parents and sista are going to be gone tonight ;-) hell yeah...

I cant wait...

I think I'll do some writing tonight...

I think I might have 2-4 hrs to myself..holy shit I didnt realize how nice that sounded until now.

Blow me a...