Point Proven
Amy:"Mom can i have allowance, then you wont have to complain about me borrowing money because i'll make my own.

Mom:"No. If you had allowance you'd be in the hole."

Case Closed.

Lindsey is going to kill me. I just finished a #7 w/ diet coke lol
Today sucked. It was shitty outside all day. I was so tired. I took a 5 min nap in L.A. got -5 on a cooking test and then got -2 on my computer test. woo.. boring boring boring

On the way home we got hit by a bus. Whiplash. no one hurt. got home 5 mins late. Woopdy do.

I have to finish copying libbys section review and finish it then do another one. Due tomorrow. Must finish. I'm tired. Took a nap when I got home.

Sam Baldwin tried calling me.. my sister didnt say if she wanted me to call her back. Oh well.

I was going to meet emily at north for the track pratice but i could go.

oh well. i hope she didnt wait too long for me.

the end.

Today ...
Today was ok i guess. Boring and it was crappy outside. The rain messed up my hair in the moring. I was mad. Kennen stole my peanutbutter m&ms. Well. He saved me from some calories. Thank you Kennen. Umm...Food didnt sound good at lunch. I have a cold and my throat hurts...didnt feel like eating.

We always eat crappy food for dinner.

For an expressive essay for L.A. I wrote about how unexcepting my mom is and how i cant do anything or talk to her and that people wont except me for how I think and who I am.

I hate our group right now. I do. I'm not going to deny it. I cant trust anyone...other than those i've already told that I could trust. Everyone back talks eachother once again...I knew it wouldnt stop.

Maybe our group wasnt ment to be.

I agree with alot of carinnas views...well actually all of them.

I hate people walking up to me and talking about other people behind their back. I cant take it. I'll nod my head...act interested..but truely I'm not..There are too many people not being good friends.

They shouldnt call their selves friends.


Im out.

Makin a cd.

None
Diognosis: Trying to get acceptance through those who arent aceptant.

none
I cooked the damn potato salad for you what else do you want. She came in the door…took the potato salad out. “Why did you make this?!?!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO!”
Ashley-“I heard you tell her to make it.”
Mom-“No I didn’t.”
Mom: “What’d you do to it? Its too soupy. You shouldn’t have made it.”
Then she acts all irritated and yells at me.
Its stupid. She doesn’t need to yell at me. I cant take much more.

Mom inspired poem #4


Good Enough

Never going to
Be good enough
For you
Never going to
Cry less
For you
Always going to
Make my life a mess
Because of you
Never going to be the best
Because of you

I hate the crying
The yelling
The way I don’t do
Anything Right
The fighting
And the way
You always win

You’ve defeated me
And
Made me nothing
Because that’s all
I’ll ever be to you

Nothing


------

She makes me want to hate my life.

Today

Boring today. School tomorrow. 5 weeks left.


My mom made me cook today.

It was boring ...

the end.

Pine-sol stings my cuts



Today was pretty shitty until I went downtown w/ Sheely and Amanda and got ice cream.

I cleaned for the first half of the day. Accidentally put my moms pants in the dryer and she got all pissed off at me and told me if they didnt fit her anymore that she wouldnt buy me clothes for the rest of this year and next year and that i'd have to wear the same clothes over and over again.

The jeans didnt shrink.

"Your lucky."- Mom

After I cleaned and cried Sheely called and asked me if I wanted to go downtown. We went shopping and looking around and saw Krystal and Sam. I love them they are so fun.

I liked my ice cream

The shirt I got was too skanky. (on me atleast)

It will fit krystal.


Krystal= Skinny.

I had a #7 w/ diet coke for dinner. I saved a piece for lindsey but then ate it 5 minutes later.

I'm working on another poem. I have two more to write. The first three came easily. The next two will be hard. I have nothing else to right about.. I know the title of my next poem. Its "Good Enough" its about how i'll never be good enough for my mom.

She told me I was stupid once...and that i'd never make it any where in life.

She raised her hand to me.


I'll never forget that.....never..

Everything changes

Why does he try so hard to be someone who he isnt. I know is not him. Hes not the guy who I use to know. He just is trying to be like his friends...despritly trying just to find someone just anyone who will except him for being not him but for who they are.

I've seen him mould into someone who I truely know he isnt. I wish I could change that. The past 2 years have been thrown away and I dont even know who he is anymore... I just know that what he is now is not him.
--------------

I'm going to hold off feelings for anyone I have right now. Its too difficult to stretch your feelings over someone who you dont even really know that well. I know what he looks like..thats about it...I know nothing significant about him. I need to restrict myself, and I have.

I remember thinking we were poor when my mom use to get one layer toilet paper and I'd tear some off and it would dissolve in my hand.


My sister is turning into my mom. Manipulative..Just like my mom...always having to find someting that makes her feel like she has some sort of power over people

I dont like that

I dont like sitting at our lunch table and having hardly anyone talk to eachother. And I quote:"There are other people than just me that think you are using them...I'm just the only one who has said anything." "I shouldnt have said that I'm sorry."

But was it true?

I dont like feeling that I cant trust anyone. Or trust those few who I already trust now.

I dont like this feeling.


I'm doing nothing this weekend. Nothing. I'd rather have it that way though.

Tonight i want my dad to get Pizzaria Grande so I can get their breadsticks with the butter glaze and parmasan cheese sprinkled on top. That sounds really good right now.


i'm out.

I need to work on my poetry and drawings.

AT SCHOOL


Yeah today has been pretty gay. Nothing new is going on at all. LOL Math was funny...megan and I were laughing at the aligator on davids arm. It looked like he had drawn it on his arm yesterday and tried to wash it off....it was funny because is not everyday that you see an aligator on someones arm...then david was all like "What are you guys laughing aboutt..whatttt" lol. Then Jeff H. turned around (LMAO carinna)


Oh btw carinna I think you'll like the note i'm going to give to you today.


Its going to be brilliant.


I'm going to the RHS variety show tonight w/ my sister and her friend. I hope i get a #7 w/ diet coke for dinna ... mmm...

Yes sheely I do agree with your whole summer slimming down plan. I need it to...muahahahahahaha......


We shall be anorexic...no doubts about it.


Eh...I'm tired *struggling noises to type* it hurts to type...muscles in fingers hurt....


bye

Reminder.
Reminder:Just becasue I said sorry doesnt me I trust you now. I have too much other shit to sort through your last on my list.

Still pissed
I'm just so pissed. God Big deal that they wouldnt let me go right? This is the 5th time that I'm not able to go anywhere without any explanation. They always say its because I have stuff to do. Bull shit. I always end up sitting on my ass with not a fucking thing to do. Now tell me why I cant fucking go.

I have to almost stop breathing so I can hear my mom bitching to my dad about me. How I cat like I dont care. How I never do anyhting around the house, How she had to clean the bathroom for once lastnight, How she thinks I lied and just threw all my clothes in the basement to make my room look clean.

I'm suffering right now. I'm sick of never being heard. I'm sick of never being allowed to do anything. Doesnt she ever think to step out of her own selfish existance to think that maybe I dont want to be stuck in the house with her. School is my first hell that last almost 7 hours. But then to have to go home and spend 17 hours with my asshole mom and my jackass dad and my dumb ass sister...I cant take it. I hate being locked up. Well for that matter I'm not eating tonight..nore the night after ...or the night after that...or the night after that...prove a point that i'm not going to listen to them for the rest of my life.See how they like that.

But the way. She says to me "you wouldnt have been able to go anyways. you dont have any money."

Mcdonalds cost 3$ for one person if even that.

She wouldnt even waste that money on me. She just wanted to sound like she was right.

Hypocrite

I hate you mom.

I'll neve love you.

Egostistical Fucking asshole.

Poem #3
I cant feel my trust
its slipping through
the cracks in the
shaddered glass

I'm being
Suffocated
By my own smile
My pain doesnt heel
Within time
It only leaves scars
And the black stains
Of Mascara

I only slip away
When I regain
Strength
The strength to find
The nothingness inside
Of Me

At school
Krystal and I plan to go to Mc.D's tonight. Mmmm.. Crispy chicken sammicch! School is sucking so far. So be it. I will be fine its not that big of a deal.

I think having space for a while will be nice.


Tomorrow I WILL go to starbucks w/ Krystal and Julie. If not there will be some serious ass kicking. and kissing...I'll probably have to clean to get my moms approval.


Hahah krystal fell out of her chair.. muahaha.

4 more minutes till us history .Woo not looking forward to it damnit.


bye.

Today
The wedding shower was better than I expected it to be. My aunt made reall good food. It was all home made. There was pasta salad, lasinga, chocolates, keesh, veggies, and fruits. I didnt eat much of it but it was all good.

Apparently my sister and I dont do anythring around the house so i might be grounded off the internet for a couple weeks. Our house isnt taht bad. She over exaderates like usual. Thats what she does best

I have to finish a poem for someone. I have alot to finish on it yet. Innitially I was going to write a story like an inspirational story but it turned out blah and it didnt reall get my point acrossed.

All that had happened a couple days ago and even the new replys now I have now realized is completely stupid. But no, not on my behalf...everyone elses. To hell with them. I regret every crying over it because all I was doing was telling the truth and thats what got "people" so pissed off becasue it was the truth and they just iddnt want to hear it. I dont like the person shes become. I dont need it anymore I never did to begin with. So whaterver, everything has been said and done. I can take whatever comes my way. Trust me, I know i'm expecting something. If I could take anything i said back...I WOULDNT. This is beyond middle school..this is like elementary school...its stupid and I think some people need to grow up some. Dont like what i'm saying dont talk to me because i know i wont be talking to a few of you. Or if i do its going to be short i can tell you that much.

I got these really cool and comfy terry cloth capris that I'm going to wear to cedar pointe. With them I'm going to get this white shirt from abercrombie thats v nech and has lace and beads in it..its really cute.

2 weeks until the wedding in Chicago. Its going to be fun. We get to go shopping Thats what I'm looking forward to, shopping. I cant wait until the school year is over with. This summer will be cool. I plan to hang out with julie and krystal. Also hopefully theresa and lindsey.