8th grade dance.
okay i probably won't update this right after the 8th grade dance... and well i probably update again this weeek... but hey i might suprise you. Okay well the dance is on friday.. my hair and my nails ... done.. .my dress done.. everything set. The after dance plans have been miticulously organized by none other then mwah! lol. we've got 22 ppl going out for pizza ... geesh! worst of all this... in the midst of the breast cancer walk my mom and i walk every year my mom fell and broke her ankle and leg.... not good... at all. she can't drive soo we don't have a ride to the dance.. but that's okay becuase we're caling in reenforcments! lol. it will work out. Today was our drama club proformance to the school. it went better towards the end of the day and with the younger grades. First perioud was brutal... we had 8th grade they were just downright mean.. ugh. Okay soo i was sad because now it's over... but we had SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun. fun to the max times ten! lol. And, omygosh i got a CD signed by SUPERCHIC[K]! wow. matts mom knows one of the guys moms from the band!! i was sooo encited!!!! okay but then i told marissa and molly and chrissy at band and marissa was all mean and was like.. well i have one too big deal. ... so yeah, i felt like poop. We had jazz band rehearsel this morning in place of after school b.c there's no regular band anymore
so, i have no more news. i have to go now... write more soon.

Van Helsing
omygosh. jeremy and sean and i went to go see Van Helsing today... no one else was home so it was just me and the boys. the movie was sooo terrible... omygosh it was beyond bad. it was soo funny though there were always these convenient revines and they never walked through doors always go through the window... i don't even know what teh movie was about.. i was too busy laughing. hahahahaha. i heart sean and jeremy. friday is the 8th grade dance... so i'm a little nervous oh. well. i dont have a date but that's not a big deal... we have worked out our after dance plans even though i had to be mean to some people about them... i dunno it's just like come one people i'm trying hard to organize this madness and you all are being ridiculous. but whatever. Today was the talent show.. that was ... well, interesting to say the least... i dunno everyone in it was awesome. there was aaron and amanda singing, courtnie on piano, a million seventh graders dancing to toxic, meghan doing an awesome ballet routine, sarah singing a creepy graduation song... we couldnt' really hear her, then there was joes band ( a little too heavy for my liking), then there was ryan and antonys band... my goodness ryan is a stud. they were really good they just have an awesome stage presence.. its like they own the stage.

i just kinda forgot!
i know it seems hard to believe because i am the biggest dork in the world.... but yeah i just kinda forgot about my journal. llike yeah. that's weird. It's not like anyone has missed anything. i've been in one of my angry moods again. see, i thikn it all started on friday when brittanie pushed my head into my locker (i ownt go into detail on that... because well, it makes my head hurt) soo... now i have this kinda bump thing on my head. soo then i think i'm going crazy when i get home. soo i'm being all WIERD. and my DAD is home and... i mean come on i want to watch TV and eat popcorn in peace... geesh. SO then he said that i was being crabby, whcih i was... but i wasn't about to tell him that i thought i was about to suffer a nervous breakdown... he just wouldn't understand. so yeah. later that night was the "almost a t-bolt dance" which is crazy lame. and no one went. i of course couldn't go because i'm not going to andrew. but everyone said it was lame. i think it was a kind of a lame concept but hell, who am i ? lol. then i dunno saturday (yesterday) was mary-elens baby shower.. and ummm... that was fun. it was kinda boring because it was all old ppl. but i'm really excited about the babie(s) yeah she's having TRIPLETS!!!!! my uncle kevin is my moms youngest brother and he got married and had sheby who is two years younger then me i think? and then they devorced then he found maryellen whos i think five yaers younger then kevin but thats okay because they're happy and sooo cute togther and they're gonna be parents!!! yay! okay well. Then it was my next door neighbors communion party... ha that was fun. jimmy was there and he was playing his guitar in the basement... yeah, i don't know what was going on there... he thinks he's cool i guess. and yeah, i was totally flirtling but so was he and then he was like "stop flirting" and i was like... dude... watever ... and then we went to walk his dog and i went home... i miss him. he's not as cool as he used to be. i know it's SAD. SAD SAD!! i think i'm done now. for the 8thg rade dance i'n gonna wear my dress that is light pink and has the black flowers crawling up it. I think it loooks the best on me out of the three dresses i bought. soo i'll return the other ones and wear the pink one. life is good. i just need better jewelry now. lol. okay catch ya later dudes.

"instead of buying a gram this weekend why don't you come hang out with me...? i'm a lot more fun"

clarient shopping
well well i have kinda sorta... okay COMPLETELY lucked out. man o man my clarient will only be like 600 dollars vs. the 1300 i found last weeek. i'm mondo excited. yes yes yes. hahahaha. i know i need a life. Okay well... news on any other front... fatness-- not bad fit into some old pants. very good. date for dancness- not so good... ... well down right bad. more on that when i'm in a depressed mood. schoolness- a month to go.. thank you God. but i'm getting an F in math.. which is jsut kinda... well not bad. but my mom... freaked i probably shouldn't have told her ... i realized this later...b ut what the hell. I wish i had a supported family... i wish for a lot of things. I just want to be...accpeted by my family is that too much to ask!?!!? and that's my angry tirade for the day. oh, andi thought that i should mention this... ms.e gave me a dention for nthing. me and britt were goofing around on the way out the door to the bus yesterday after school when she kicked me and i got a lunch dentention... the air of opression reeks in that school. i dont know if i have anyother news.

QUALITIES THAT PEOPLE HAVE THAT REALLY MAKE ME SAD....

1> poserishness- now... i dont mean lke they're trying to punk or whatever. jsut trying to be something that they are not it's soo icky.
2>whining
3>people who can't be serious
4>people who are understanding and don't want to understand
5>selfish people
6>people who don't know how to talk out a conflict.

--my gosh--

"you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"-- isn't that romantic? (no, i won't explain it for you.. THINK!)

wow. pants
my pants from a while ago fit me again (yeah!) but there's a hole in the butt!!! so i might put my handy dandy safety pin skills to work. lol. i think im going to hit the hay early tonight. only because i am a good mood tonight and i don't want to be annoying anymore. because then i annoy myself. makes sense right?? and i was thinking. i am so like.. boring. this journal.. i write the most random things in it that make no sense. i probably should be shot. second thoughs about high school are plagueing me... ooh no!! ha. i'm soo... agrumentitive- wth myself. ... and well i don't have anything to say. and that's not the problem it's needing to say it. see that? it's the sense i'm worried about.

--it's a typical situation in a typical time, too many choices-- davematthews

body image
well today was okay it was school as usual. i've felt realy ugly lately.. like even if i diet until i'm nothing i'll always feel like i'm fat it's lke i'd rather die being skinny then live being fat... its so terrible. then i was reading about anerexics... and wow. that's a scary disease i know i couldn't do it.. or i could and then i would become addicted to exercise.. omygosh that would be terrible. i dont want to look malnurished just.. well... skinny. i lost three pounds today so i'm skinnier... hahahahaha. i wish i could totally post everything in here like exactly how much i way and how many times someone has called me fat. i don't even care who reads thsi. i don't even care how many people lie to me... "you're not fat" .. my butt. it makes so unbelieveably consumed with sadness. it's really pathetic.. i just want to be skinny so badly. I want to share clothes with my friends. But you know what realy makes me mad. my friends who are one DROP DEAD GORGEOUS and then they eat JUNK FOOD non-stop and they're still skinny... why i can't i just be normal... why do i have the matabolism of like a 40 year old. Okay.. enough complaining. i've been in one of these moods since i got home from ellens. we don't had a crying fest and told our sad sob stories during a rousing game of "truth or truth" the question was "if you could live out one fantasy what would it be?" and mine of course was to be skinny and perfect and have ultra lose risers on. and then i shannon and jill and britt were gonna cry and were all like ooh thats sad.and that's what made me realize my entire life that's what i've always wanted.. throughout the cutting and the whatever.. that's all i've ever wanted. ive always thought that being skinnywould solve my problems... i just wish my dad could take me to john's (this guy that he works with on the weekends for side jobs like reali estate-- he's a lawyer) office and show me off and brag about how i'm like a volley ball star or something..the way john does with his oldest daughter kaite. That's why part of me is going ot mccualy so that my dad will have somethign to talk about with his friends... sot hat he can complain about the tutiton like they complain about sports, i just wanted to him to be proud of me b/c the band stuff wasn't enough. he's always been the parent ive liked better, even though i feel so guilty saying that.. b/c eh gave me what i wanted... and i jsut ... want him to be proud of me. but he takes no interest in my clarinet and saxaphone stuffa nd that's my equivalent to a sport. and i'm sorry this is long.. but i just need to get this out so stop reading if you want b/c i have no reason to complain. but okay. i just wish i was normal. i want to trade clothes with my friends have something to be too big on me and buy my pants in a really small size i want a boy to be able to wrap his own arm around my wast... i was to be skinny. i have always been a fat girl.. i wish i wasnt' me. i wish i knew what was goign on. i don't want to live this way forever. i don't. and i'm sorry. well, no, i'm not sorry. i'm glad i'm not dumping this on one of my friends.. this way you can skip it if you don't like it. ... i am such a girl. ugh.

"and every girl harbors that secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room"

-- when you post please put your name... THANK YOU!__

how are you feeling?
feelling mean today. ha. that's fun. i read nikki's journal, it's depressing. hahahaha. i had SWIC band today and no, i don't know wht SWIC stands for. it was fun but it was a four hour practice so i was really kinda getting edgy towards the last two hours. and i'm very close to getting my new guitar, it makes me happy (like sunshine on my shoulders.) i love my new buddy icon. it's annoying perky.. but it's scramble so its perkiness is excused. And okay, a thing i don't understand about myself. i like scrapbooking.. just not my own pictures. i never take pictures so it's weird... i just don't understand why this is... i think i'm afraid to see my self on film.. how terrible. and i noticed that i soundl ike a ding bat in the majority of my recent entries... ugh... they just don't have that spark that they used to. now my entries are just kinda boring. ... ooh. gosh. i'm a total journal nerd. kill me. and i've found out for sure that andrew doesn't like me and in fact he's a little annoyed with me. Oh well. smile. : )

--- So, if you read my journal could you post something or sign my guestbook... it wiggs me out when ppl pop up with this random anetdotes from my journal. don't scare me like that ro feed the animals--

"living in a zoo is something like the real world only a little smellier and with more clearly defined codes of conduct"

the past few days
i haven't updated in a while because of drama i didnt have time weds or thurs or fri. soo... don't worry i'm back though! i really dont think i have too much news. our proformances were okay. i would definately say that weds. was the better show. thurs it kinda fell apart on us b/c of distractions. Im dreadfully infatuatied with someone again. i'm getting that feeling back... of constant smiley when i'm with a certain person.. and i think i have a change with hinm... but when you're first getting into a crush it just... seems like the world is your oyster... it frightens me... i don't know whats going on. i just know that in no way will i ever have kids i was thinking of how scary it would be for me to be in charge of another human life, it's so creepy. and well... i really don't know wh at to say. i'm good kids. and you know when i don't update i'm either scarily busy, or unusually happy. so... i guess that's all. i sound like such a square. when is it my turn to be cool!??!?

"my Father, he knows me well" - justfide

easter
hello everyone and a happy easter. Easter was very easter like in my family ... well no, i take that back. very un-easter like. there weren't making decorations up (my dad didn't take them down) we didint color eggs and i slept over at britts. Holidays jsut aren't a big thing as much when you're older. there's no easter bunny, there's no santa... it's just a holiday. But in a way, it's better that way.. it's not about santa or the easter bunny. At all. Easter was normal with the ppl though. my mom was crazy. my little cousins were all sugared up. but fran's still sick. That was different. She talks differently now. I didnt understand what she was saying half the time. it was soo scary. i dont know. It just kinda scared the crap out of me that she's dying. i think that everyperson you meet takes a little part of you with them. You don't get to choose who gets these little parts but you definately choose who you give bigger parts away. I wish i could give more of me to her, i really do.

TODAY- i went to work with my dad. that was fun. He's a PD.. public defender. if someone can't afford lawyer he's one of hte guys the criminals get. He only does murders now b/c of his senority. Now isn't that somehting to strive for. Ha. As always, his work is an "experience" we moved him into his new office. with his pimpin computer lol. We had fun. I love my dad. he's the greatest. I suppose i'm done now.

Oh, Yeah. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKKI J!!!

"People can misunderstand your vision, they can try to change it, but, if you've got the fire, they can't douse the flame" Joan Bauer... Author of THWONK! (i just finished it, decent book)

wow.
i meant to post on thursday. i meant to do a lot of things. I got a livejournal since i've been gone. which is creepy, B/c i didn't want to pay. but heck.. it's two bucks. i put in the mail yesterday. so hidingundermyhelmut of salvation is here to stay kids. And, FINALLY i have a user icon!!! it's gray and it's a peace sign. Life is swell. So yes for news about the four day gap in my entries toddle on down to live journal. My username is Baskingintheson. It was lame. i felt like a yuppie. Lj is queer. plain and simple. I tried to get aclaimated and i just didin't. So yeah. Ive been very happy lately. Just normal like i used to be. I forgot how that feeling went. I'm glad i remeber now. friday (yesterday) night kiel and hart slept over and we hung out with DJ and jimmy. that was fun. I really really miss the summer when i was me and the boys. i miss matt. A ton. i want matt to forget about being popular and forget about cheerleader girlfriends and jsut come back and hang out with his friends. I guess you don't realize how much fun you have when you have on shoes and you're with a boy you've known forever but jsut started to get to know and his bestfriend. It was the epitome of a good time. I guess i'm done reminising. I have to go buy a watch with my mom. i think i'm goign to movies after that. the prince and me? i love julia stiles!! okay. soo ill see everyone later.

"If you don't get in line we'll lock you away. Oh, everyone is happy, everyone is free, and it all comes down to nothing"- dave matthews band

let go!
i need to let go of everythign. I know that i'm holding on to the past. And yeah, it's realy starting to get annoying and mixed in with my personal affiars. I jsut need to stop being so judgemental. I need to stop being a cynic and jealous and ... that stuff. I have a lot of the qualties that i hate. I'm just not doing that whole smile and give it 100 percent thing anymore. I've gottne lazy in my old age. Every conversation for me is like trying soo hard to convey this message of me as a happy healthy bouncy chick. It's not happening anymore. I don't want to put on this little charade anymroe. I just want to be me and not worry. It's beginning to tick me off. I just want to be me. And i need to hear that i'm beautiful. Because being me is making me sick. And yeah. i'm feeling flirty... desperate? i don't know. I don't know. We had our ISATs.... which as those of you not from Illinois wouldn't know stand for Illinois Standart Achievement Tests. ugh. they're lame. very lame. and we'll have them for the next two weeks. It's almost over though. i'm happy about that. Just to think that i wanted to end it all... i wanted tob e gone.. i didnt want to see this year pass by. I can't say that i regret the choices i've made.t he people i'[ve been (yeah.. you read that correctly.. jsut think about it) And i'm pretty proud of the things i've done. But i don't regret the clothes i've worn, the things i've said, or anythign like that. I just take it all with a grain of salt. This is very insignificant if you look at in the long run. I think that's what makes me soo... cynical at times. i just don't know. I'm Jesus saved me from hell last year. I never have to go back ::sigh of relief:: who I was... was ickky. I haven't completely gotten rid of that person. But i've definately gotten a little of her left. And that's okay. We all have our battles to fight and our skeletons in our closets. I just to try to fight mine peacefully and i give my skeletons some air. Peace. Love. love is what we all need. and a good hug.

--somedays just pass you by. others stick with you like freshly chewed gum. Remember the moments you'd like to savor pull the other ones off with the gum from the bottom of your shoe--

dresses
"what it is to burn"- finch. there's an awesome aucoustic version on AOL radio. thank heavens for my aol radio. But.... here's a laugh kids, Rk's "Am I Understood?" was on mod punk. punk?! comeon now. it's just funny. Ugh. i had so much to say. oh, well. Today we went dress shopping for the second time. Got this cute little pink number. We went to a bigger mall... so that's cool. I got this way far out purse from steve madden that is a PARCEL (!!!!!) brand bag. Okay, usually im not a brand name babe. but my gosh PARCEL has some darn cute crap. anyways. its awesome it looks like stear and its a like shiny champagne color. it's fun. it's me. my mom doesn't like it : ). OH!! i remembered what i was going to wrte about. I was reading my horoscope, which i do often times in the paper. and okay in the paper they have these daily ranking deals. and i am always i mean ALWAYS a "6" it's soo wierd. but seriously i don't think i've read my horoscope without being a six. Maybe pisces are just sixy (all pun intended) people. Well... i don't know. All i know... i'm happy that... i'm tired. and that i get to sleep. Not happy that school is tomorrow and that break is over. Actually i'm qiute said about that. Oh, breath... you're fine.

"Your death puts an end in you like the last puncuation mark in a book. An soft, small ending... always leaving room for a sequel"

well hello there
hope you all had a good laugh at my last post. i did understand most of it. i meant that i was afraind to screw up my kids not "swear them up" hell, i'm deathly afraid of that too. I'm afraid of dying and leaving no mark. i need to do something now. i am making braclets? is that enough doing??? i saw jimmy's mommy at the mall... she says he's sad. and she wants me to go to the dance with him. Dammit, then there's jeremy. one, i never thought i'd get to choose my dates. and two, i never once thought i would consider that a problem. I never knew how much you could love two very different people at the same time. SOEM ONE PLASE, give me a ring.... take me out this world of my parentals and me. i need another human life. the old blood is being tosse around here to much. oh, and i don't know where any of my CDs are. if you know their wear abouts please, by any means possible tell me. i dont know what else i can tell you. My faith in the human spirit still exists though. i have gotten that clear in my brain. life is so depresssing but at the same time soo randomly wonderful and beatiful and compassionate.

"yopu walk into a room and everyone tries to kidnapp your attention" -- thank you julie.

DC
okay kids i'm back. no, i didnt forget about you, i was in Washington DC. yes, it was kinda fun. there were lots of cute boys and i think i like this boy i met. And, my room mates got al mad at me but i dont care b.c i just dont. I kinda swore a lot on the trip with Julie Baker lol. hehehe and Kevin. double haha. the teachers let us swear and call them by their first names. I dont want to go back to school. And, i realized why i don't want to have kids, I'm afraid to swear them up. lol. i don't know what i'm saying. OMYGOSH. ahhh. okay okay okay. i need to go to bed. no cofee and no sleep. AH! i missed my bed. I have to go to the doctors tomorrow for a physical. ICK ICK ICK..

liz<-- "Freedom is only what we make of it"

wow
i was looking at my journal. and my last post was five days after my birthday post. for me thats a while to go with out posting. LOL. okay soo here i am. Trying my darnest to be creative. And geesh. it's soo tough. i swore a ton today. i really messed up. i've been messing up a lot lately. i've just kinda fallen off the Jesus wagon. im saying things i don't want to say anymore. and sometimes i realize that i stand up and say no just to be objectable. I don't like that. i need help. and your prayers. thanks. I know that everyone who reads this going to be thinking i'm big drama queen but come on, have i really been myself lately? thank you.

--think Happy thoughts--
we made brownies in modern life today. hahahaha. that was fun. we made the boys do the dishes. isn't that always fun? I finally admitted to gary how HOTT i think he is! omygosh i wanted to die after i said it but oh well. i mean come on, i'm nto gonna see those kids next year so does it matter. I am picking clases for high school and well im a little confussedled. like i don't know what classes i want and i'm really lost in the whole thing. But that could be attrributed to my recent bad mood. I dont know what's wrong. i just know i need help. and fast. i just know that i've been letting myself get out of hand and out of control. it makes me sad. yes, okay this was supposed to be the happy paragraph. oh, well. We bought a new couch! yipee! so, i guess i' m done. this was kinda a pointless post. sorry.omygosh did i forget to mention our speech/dec competition! we placed fifth out of 11 which is bad, considering we have a first year coach and everyone but one girl is a rookie on our team.caitlin placed first in her verse catagorey... shes been doing this for three years now, shes awesome. lol. okay well now i'm done. sorry i forgot that little importatn tid bit!

-- leaving for DC on the 27th... hope you all dont miss me too terribly much!--

"what would you do if i sang out of tune? would you stand up and walk out on me? lend me your ear and ill sing you a song i will try not to sing out of key."-beatles