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2005 18 October :: 2.16 am
I wish Ryan Hoffman was awake. It'd be nice to talk to him right now.
Are you a purple cow? |
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2005 16 October :: 1.11 am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Serenity Soundtrack
My Logic
Apple cider = Amazing
Work = Way too long
Patrice = Tired
Therefore, Patrice = Calling in sick tomorrow.
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 13 October :: 12.56 am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Audioslave
I wish I wasn't so difficult to understand. I wish humans that humans never needed sleep. I wish that I could stop time. I wish I knew what I wanted.
Yep, there you go. My three wishes. I added one. Deal with it, bitches.
-.- zzzzzzz
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep
I don't want to wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to stink like Templeton's egg in Charlotte's Web.
Okay, really really really not looking forward to tomorrow. Fuck. Okay, one more wish:
I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until Friday. Tomorrow will be a total waste of a day. Just like every day for the past who knows how long. I really don't feel I'm really Carpe-ing the Diem. And that makes me terrbly sad. I hate that things are so hectic that I can't to take time to simply SEIZE THE DAY! And to make my life extraordinary.
The second part probably won't happen ever. To be extraordinary, you hve to have something special. You have to know what you want. Me? I just suck.
Dead Poets Society, why do you let me think that there is more to life then this? This is all we have. There is nothing to seize. There's no time to seize it. Only time to work. And sleep.
And that is what I'm getting to. Sleep.
I'm changing the quote...
Carpe sleepem
Carpe Workem
And Jorie, don't try to tell me the real latin. Those just sound funnier. I like it. ::nods:: I like funny. So if you do, I will kill your polar bear. I'm serious.
Right now I am off to CARPE SLEEPEM!
See, I guess I'm seizing something now. And that's always good. Makes me feel better already.
Boy, do I love sarcasm.
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 11 October :: 1.24 am
What to say? I'm going to fail my history test. And you know what else? Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn.
You know I've never seen that movie? Hm. Makes me feel almost wrong for quoting it.
Well once again, I don't care. You know why? Because...
I'm a leaf on the wind...Watch how I soar.
Take that, bitches.
I miss Wash.
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 9 October :: 2.10 am
You probably think you're better then me. You don't want to admit to, but I know you think it. It's constantly ringing in the back of your head. Look at that girl. Look at Patrice. Got into every fucking college she applied to, but still is slaving away at CLC. And do you know why?! I'm a fucking chicken. I can't commit myself to anything! I can't decide something like this and stick with it. It scares me. I can't do it. And so I'm here, being the townie I always knew I was going to be. I work at a fucking movie theatre. I see people from VHHS come to see movies when they visit home and they go.."Oh so where do you go to college?" Oh, CLC. How's that? Why? Because I'm a dumb shit. That's why. I'm a fucking dumbshit. And there's really nothing I can do to change that. I know how you look at me. The same way I looked at people like me before. The same way I looked at my sister. And I deserve every bit of it. I deserve it.
You know what? Take your fucking perfection. Go to your prestigious schools that no one else can get into. Win all the fucking awards you can in high school. Be honor thespians, All State musicians and theatre people. Graduate with honors. See if I fucking care.You deserve it.
You know who doesn't? You know who ends up at fucking Rivertree the rest of her life? You know who's going to completly throw every possibility of success at risk just because she's scared shitless?
Yep. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. I hate who I am. I hate most of where I am right now. I hate what I look like and what I wear and how I act.
I only have one or two people who don't mind wasting time with me. And I hate myself for that too. Because it's my fault that I have no one else. I love them, but it's all I have. And I know it's my fault. And I hate myself.
I go to CLC. I was just anouther sheep in the flock. I'm nothing different. I'm just a dumb shit.
I just want to do something special. I want to do something worth telling other people about. I want to be worth something. I want to do something, but I can't think of anything.
I just can't do it anymore. And that's that.
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 30 September :: 10.15 am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette
I feel sick. I hate my mom. I hate my dad.
Does anyone see any wrong in Ryan and I sharing a suitcase? My mom was flipping out because he'd see my underwear. But suitcases have pockets. And I could put them in one of those...and he would have no reason to see them...
Then I got the lecture on how I look. I don't look nice. I look dirty. ??? I don't get that. I don't get how I look dirty. My clothes aren't the kind of clothes that get wrinkly. And she kept refering to this one shirt that was wrinkled once last week. Then she flips out about my work clothes, but its work! And I don't have to look like uber nice there. I mean, we're always cleaning and getting into dirty stuff. It makes no sense that she flips out like that. No sense at all. And my hair. Because I don't take time to wear it down, and instead just throw it in a ponytail, that makes me dirty. O.o;; I just don't have time. Holy hell... I don't know what to do. I don't mind how I look at all.
So, question two, do you think I look wrinkly and scummy with my hair and clothes?
Then of course I got yelled at for my weight gain. Awesome. As if I'm not freaking out about it already.
I figured out that if I eat 1,200 calories everyday for 3 months I can lose all the weight that I want to. So, definitly getting on that after I get back from vacation. Hopefully it works. I'm tired of being told by my mother that I'm fat. I need to be like Amanda and Gabby. I know she compares me to them. I don't get why she won't admit it.
Anyways, scared to death of Arizona. Parents. Major Eeeeep.
If I survive, I'll see you all when I get back.
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 27 September :: 1.42 am
1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? : My hair. Whether or not its all flyaway-like
2. How much cash do you have on you? : 12 cents!
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST": FEST!!! Kinda like a party. Test= party
4. Favorite planet?: Jupiter
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your MOBILE phone? : Ryan
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: Happy Days :-)
7. What shirt are you wearing?: Orange hooded sweatshirt. Oh! Together, Jill and I make LHS
8. Do you "label" yourself?: Loser. Mostly.
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: White socks. Sam's club variety. I wear my awesome not matching shoes everyday though. :-D Yay for those shoes.
10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, unless I have a headache
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: Jill? She smells. Just kidding. She's cool. We make fun of Shonsky man together. Wooo!
12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: Hahaaa...yeaaaaah
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: "Studying". Meaning I was playing cell phone games
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: Good Job! We should eat ice cream after school today!
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?: I shoot the dude or kiss Johnny Depp sometimes.
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: Hey, Poop
17. Who told you they loved you last: Umm...Ryan Hoffman
18. Last furry thing you touched?: Thor!
19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days? I took advil at work the other day. It felt like someone had punched me a billion times in the stomach.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? two? But they're b&w. And Jewel sucks at that.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 18
22. Your worst enemy?: Cultural Anthropology
23. What is your current desktop picture?: V for Vendetta. I should change that.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?:I was just talking to myself as i was typing to jackie. I think the last thing I said was "I'm a hooker now!"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: Million bucks. I could fix any regret. ;-) Haha
26. Do you love / like someone?: A boy. Yeah. He's a good kid.
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 25 September :: 9.11 pm
I can't get back to studying. I tried.
I didn't mean to. God, fuck. I can't do this. I swear, I can't. I can't keep going like this. I'm not complaining for sympathy or understanding, that's not helping any.
Instead of sympathy, take a metal pole and whack me across the head. Please. I'm begging you.
I just can't do this anymore. Any of it. I'm trying, though. I promise. I can't keep on. I just can't. And I hate myself for it.
I'm being selfish. I know. I'm selfish and clingy and stupid and I don't want to deal with myself. I've spent the past weekend just crying. And I feel like a complete shit for it.
Please? I can't do it. I can't.
2 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 24 September :: 12.55 am
I broke too. I'm very much broken. I very much need a band aid. A very big one.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 23 September :: 1.34 am
Chances are if you know me and actually care about me, I really don't deserve it.
I'm just not a good person. And that's the truth.
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 21 September :: 10.54 pm
:: Mood: scared
I feel better now. I have apple, hot apple cider, and Barnelli's bread in my stomach.
Good times, guys.
I'm still scared. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't want to be, but I am. But I'll be okay. I always am. It's the way I roll.
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 19 September :: 12.20 am
:: Mood: sick
I'm tired and sick. I have way too much to do and not enough time. And nothing that I really want to do. Other then curl up in a ball and close out the world.
You can be invited in if I give you special permission. To my world. Woo hoo.
Ryan's allowed in. Because he taped up my blisters and gave me drugs today. And he kissed me even though I was boogery. And he gave me a pillow when I fell alseep. So he gets permission.
And Melanie. Because she just said something nice.
SneakySeaMonkey: jolly rancher lollypops?
BassClarAngel: hey now! those were good and i've apologized many times for that
SneakySeaMonkey: I knooooooooooow
SneakySeaMonkey: do you still eat them?
SneakySeaMonkey: and laugh?
BassClarAngel: i only randomly eat them if it's some free thing a teacher hands out or something
BassClarAngel: but no, i don't laugh
BassClarAngel: i sigh reverently in rememberance of one of my bestest friends who is far away from me now
:-( So..Melanie...permission.
Jackie too. She died with me today. Just in different states.
And Melissa. Just for talking to me.
Those are just people I can think of right now. Um, Enter your plea below and I will consider you.
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
NO!
1 MORE PAGE!
DEATH!
3 Hermaphidites |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 11 September :: 10.40 pm
:: Mood: Sad
:: Music: Dying- Five for Fighting
Thor
I'm sad for some reason. I can't tell why, exactly. I don't like seeing Ryan get in trouble. And I think that I know that things are going to have to change soon. I won't be able to see him much anymore. I just know. I don't want that to happen. :-\ That and things that we talked about today. Reality, kinda. I'm hoping we avoid that, you know? I hope. I don't want to be like everyone else. And I like to think that we're not.
On the other hand, I am also very happy because Ryan Hoffman is only the greatest guy ever made.
Today was good. Awesome, in fact. I love today. I hate that I still feel so down.
School too. I'm worried. I just have no motivation. I have no desire to succeed at CLC. I see no point. Therefore, I see no point in trying. :-\ Which is bad.
::sigh::
Oh man. I wish I could stop time. Or not go to school. ::nods::
Ryan Hoffman, you're a good kid. :-)
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 8 September :: 10.11 pm
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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FLi;yasreen;ob vy6wat;hyu;i 'JFDFGHKHL;HFJGFL;KHFDKJHSTIKUWETWI'
ETHLIFG
DFHFGJS;HDGKJFDHGKJDFHGKJLDFGHKLJDFGHKJFDHGKJL
1 Hermaphidite |
Are you a purple cow? |
::
2005 4 September :: 11.03 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Hand in my pocket- Alanis Morissette
One Year, suckers
I know I mentioned this in my xanga, but it deserves to be spoken of again.
1 more week! :-)
I'm excited. It's so cool. It'll be a year. Not alot for some of you people, but it's quite awesome to me.
Plus, Ryan is a good guy. :-) I've had him trapped for a year. Poor guy.
Just kidding. But he is a good guy.
:-) :-) Yay
Are you a purple cow? |
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