"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you" ~Winnie The Pooh "Life isn't fair. It's just fairer then death. That's all." ~William Goldman Always look on the bright side of death! Just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you! -Spamalot

 

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My Own Little World

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sandatthebeach

:: 2005 19 August :: 1.15am

I wish life was fair. I wish it weren't so hard for me to keep a boyfriend...I hate my heritage.

Fuck it all.

Life's a piece of shit.

Maybe I should become a nun...at least my father will be happy.

I feel really guilty that Brian has to go through shit when dealing with my family.

Fuck it all.

Are you a purple cow?


sandatthebeach

:: 2005 18 August :: 2.32pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: My brother whining in the background

Cell phones
So woohu works on my computer again. Sweet. Well hello everyone, have you missed me? I know, because I never come in contact with anyone if it's not via woohu. Anywho...school starts in a few days...I'm less than excited. That's right...I'm < excited. Hahaha I'm so funny...ok not really.

Woo my mother's yelling at my brother. Sweet. He needs some discipline in his life..he's such an ass. He makes me angry...very very angry. Good lord, he's stomping on the ground and giving people attitude that shithead. God...I really don't like him...he aggravates me very much. I'm fine with Chris, the younger one is such an ass. jkfajiflejal;jfesjfiaesjsal

The boy leaves Saturday/Sunday. I'm sad. :-( But it's ok I'll live...he is, afterall, coming back after like five days or so...he's coming back every weekend until Great America's done so...around Halloweenish? I won't make him come back every weekend after that...I'm not a control freak like most girlfriends. I believe in independence and individuality. Yay for being your own fucking individual.

I've observed many many relationships and always thought how can a girl be that controlling? The guy's allowed to have friends...he's allowed to hang out with others every once in awhile. Now that I'm in a relationship...I still think how can girls be that controlling? I told Brian that if I ever become controlling...just let me know...I promise I won't get mad. ::Shudders:: I'm sick of the world.

I'm thorougly disappointed with many aspects of life...haha I won't try to sound deep or anything but just I don't know...I'm sick of life, sick of people, sick of drama. This entire summer I've spent most of my time at work, summer school, or with Brian. I feel kinda bad about it because I was planning on doing many other things this summer. I had a summer reading list with books that I really wanted to read...I've only completed one...the 6th Harry Potter book (which, btw, made my cry like a baby and totally ruined my day). I've spent very little time with other friends who I don't see at work. I saw Patrice and Ryan frequently enough...same with Caitlin...but other friends....not really. I feel awful. I've been really anti-social...more than I have been in the past couple of years. And now all of my friends are leaving....I only have a handful of friends who still remain here....I know a lot of people but I'm friends with very few. I hate it. I hate how I can't just be "friends" with everyone...why I'm so critical about every aspect of life and every fine detail regarding me. Maybe that makes me selfish...the fact that I want so much and expect even greater things. I'm a selfish bitch, that's what I am.

Sorry, I've been really moody these past few days...I think it's because I've finally realized that it's time to grow up...for real. I'm going to college next year and that kinda scares me.

Ok well, I'm off to Caribou with Caitlin.

I guess I'll post later and whine some more.

Always, Sandy

Are you a purple cow?


goose

:: 2005 17 August :: 10.12pm

I wish i didnt have to play the other people liking my boyfriend game...but i guess thats just life. ill get used to it.

speaking of my boyfriend...he has friends, and they talk to him, and sometimes when my "friends" talk to him while he's at work, they tell my boyfriend about it...thanks guys...thanks a lot...

Are you a purple cow?


goose

:: 2005 15 August :: 10.27pm

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Jill
Birthday:02/26/87
Birthplace:Elmhurst
Current Location:Libertyville
Eye Color:Brown
Hair Color:Brown
Height:4'11"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Lefty!
Your Heritage:Czechslovakian, Polish, and as I revently discovered Russian...long story
The Shoes You Wore Today:Target flip flops
Your Weakness:Yoda
Your Fears:dying, being lost and alone
Your Perfect Pizza:cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:re establish myself in theatre at new school, and not to fail any classes
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:i dont even know...?
Thoughts First Waking Up:what time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature:ha thats funny? there has to be one good one in order for there to be a best...
Your Bedtime:2 or 3
Your Most Missed Memory:Caesar and h2$, for many reasonons...
Pepsi or Coke:i cant tell the difference
MacDonalds or Burger King:Burger king, cuz they have veggie burgers!!!
Single or Group Dates:single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:both are good for me
Cappuccino or Coffee:cappuccino
Do you Smoke:no
Do you Swear:yes
Do you Sing:yes, but i shouldn't
Do you Shower Daily:yes
Have you Been in Love:yes... ; *
Do you want to go to College:i am right now
Do you want to get Married:yes
Do you belive in yourself:no
Do you get Motion Sickness:very badly
Do you think you are Attractive:no
Are you a Health Freak:not really... but i should be
Do you get along with your Parents:yea on a daily basis...
Do you like Thunderstorms:yes
Do you play an Instrument:YES!!! :D
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yes
In the past month have you Smoked:no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:not really
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yesterday! woo
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:i ate a to go pack or oreos does that count?
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:ew no
In the past month have you been on Stage:i wish...
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:no
Ever been called a Tease:no
Ever been Beaten up:6th grade...kid knocked me out
Ever Shoplifted:no
How do you want to Die:cat walk or battens...
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:lighting designer
What country would you most like to Visit:france
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:brown
Favourite Hair Color:meh...
Short or Long Hair:long
Height:taller than me
Weight:skinny boys
Best Clothing Style:not caring, but not showing underwear
Number of Drugs I have taken:none
Number of CDs I own:too many
Number of Piercings:ears
Number of Tattoos:none
Number of things in my Past I Regret:1 or 2

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 11 August :: 10.29am

In what could only be a strange turn of events, my confusion was turned to understanding last night. I expressed my confusion to Justin and just sort of text-ranted, and decided that I’d just shut up because he wasn’t understanding. Then, about an hour later, he returned that he did understand and did like me a significant amount and that we learn so much from each other that I couldn’t possibly impair his learning. I agreed and he responded that he was scared of losing his friends because I would become his priority. I told him that it wasn’t right to just forget about them because they are the ones that will always be there, no matter what happens with girlfriends and such. We began to ask questions and set rules, one of which is that no matter what happens, we’re still going to be friends. He needs to ask Ian because he doesn’t want to hurt Chanel(his ex), but he isn’t “sensitive enough to ask her [him]self.” There’s another part that’s kind of weird but I don’t know if I want to put it on here because it’s a little rough as it is having no one approve of him. How do you fight your desires and when do you stop working for them and start for you? He also doesn’t want another girlfriend that cries because he doesn’t say I love you every half an hour. I don’t think that will be a problem. I have yet to ask him just not to ever be drunk around me. I can’t change his decisions that he made before I came around, but just that would be respect enough.

3 Hermaphidites | Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 10 August :: 11.35am

I’m currently very excited and can’t wait to get out of school because I have someone to visit today. Not only has Justin been flirting with me again, which, in case you aren’t that intuitive, is a good thing, but I found out yesterday that he genuinely cares about what happens to me and isn’t afraid to tell me so. He told me not to mess up school, but not in the parent “you better not way”. It was more along the lines of “don’t do that to yourself.

We spent Monday in the city, visiting the art museum and then two bookstores and Virgin. I think he realized that I wouldn’t hold him back, but possibly teach him more, because he got friendlier as the trip went on. Today ama visit him, which is why I’m so excited. He got his teeth pulled and his friends want him to come out on Thursday and I asked why they wouldn’t visit him at his house, and he said he hates being at his house, but oddly enough, was fine with me visiting him.

Jen is clearly very upset about leaving and it shows in how she has been treating everyone. She is trying to break ties with mushroom just enough so that it doesn’t hurt to leave, but tie ends up with everyone else so she still feels at home when she returns.

Are you a purple cow?


pixeldot

:: 2005 8 August :: 3.43pm
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 2 August :: 10.42am

Recently, I’ve been on one of those missions to change myself. It’s interesting, how much you can do once you decide that it’s important to you. What’s more surprising is its source. Despite how much everyone doesn’t like Justin, he seems to be inflicting the changes on me unintentionally. I’m assuming it’s a good thing, because some people have taught me different ways to think and points of view, as well as helped me to practice my virtues, and he is yet another fire whose scar will be all that remains in some time. Stunkel preempted the revolution.

1 Hermaphidite | Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 27 July :: 10.29am
:: Mood: tired/sore

strange that my horoscope would be so close to true.

Mars will end its stay in your eighth house this week, where it has been encouraging you to take action concerning your joint financial affairs. It has also notched up the passion in your love life, which has no doubt helped your relationship to perk up. On Thursday it moves into Taurus and this is going to put you into explorer mode. You will want to seek out new ideas, new people and new places. If you should happen to be going away on vacation this would be the time to relax as much as possible.

Are you a purple cow?


pixeldot

:: 2005 24 July :: 9.57pm

Stunkel seemed as though he was trying to be away from me today at Ren Faire.

I thought (being the optimist I am. Ha. Thats a joke) Maybe he wanted to say something to Reid that he didn't want me to hear, and one of the possible things he could have had to say to Reid would be news of him wanting to ask me out again.

But I just asked Reid online, and he said that he is sure that Stunkel wont ask me out again, and was avoiding me because he felt awkward around me.

Upon being utterly bummed out by hearing this, I vented to the only person online, Joe. Joe said that he agrees with Reid, because he still feels weird seeing his ex-girlfriend from 3 years ago.

Then I started thinking, and it was true. I still get butterflies seeing Adam... but bad butterflies. I fear him talking to me, and we broke up 2 years ago. And Adam did want to go out with me again. Stunkel probably feels the same way about me as I do about Adam... but multiplied by like 1000 because I only have the chance to see Adam twice a year at conventions, but Stunkel has to face me a few times a month.

And being one who has experienced it, I'd never want to force that type of feeling on anybody, especially someone I care about so much. So thats that, the chapter is over. The page has been turned. I'm just going to stop wishing for it, and stop pursuing it, because I'm just being a nuicense in my efforts. Its hard to just drop such a strong emotion as love, but I'll just have to be strong.

Are you a purple cow?


pixeldot

:: 2005 24 July :: 7.50pm

The book is closed. I'll stop bothering anymore. I'm just being a nuisence.

Are you a purple cow?


pixeldot

:: 2005 23 July :: 5.18pm

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Write down what it says: "... for example, and still be conscious. Consciousness is like a room that..." from Jung's Map of the Soul, a psychological study.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? Parents bed.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Haha, last night I was watching Oprah, they were investigating the American Prison system. It was actually pretty interesting.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 5:20

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 5:27

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? "Loompa Land" from the CatCF soundtrack.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Went to see CatCF with dad this morning, then we went shopping for a bit.

8. Before you came to this website [started this survey], what did you look at? Livejournal, other peoples xangas.

9. What are you wearing? Jorie's baggy black jeans and a bright green tshirt that says "Peace Love Art"

10. Did you dream last night? I did, everybody dreams usually 4 times a night. However I don't remember the dreams.

11. When did you last laugh? ...At the movie, methinks. Or at my dad saying "Johnny Depp is really an amazing actor. I mean, he made Jack Sparrow into the biggest fag of a pirate I've ever seen, but I still loved the character! That takes talent."

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Nothing, its my parents room xD If I had a computer in my room, this would easily take up half a page.

13. Seen anything weird lately? "I've tried it on like twenty Oompa Loompas, and they all turned into blueberries. Its just plain weird!"

14. What do you think of this quiz? It makes up for the lack of people to talk to at the moment.

15. What is the last film you saw? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Is anybody suprised?)

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? Johnny Depp, and a Willy Wonka costume for him to wear around the house. I guess if that wasn't possible (Slavery is frowned upon, you know), then a working Playstation 2 xD

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: If you don't know it already, then why should I just blurt it out all of the sudden? Some things are best kept secret...

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I would stop country/culture boundries. Everybody would be considered another human being, and there would be no more wars, because the land would belong to everybody.

19. Do you like to dance? Oh I love it, can't say that people enjoy looking at me dance however.

20. George Bush- Ugh >.<

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Gwenyfara Madeline

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? I'd like the middle name to be Vash no matter what... but as far as first names go... Issac, Sebastian, .. theres more, I just can't think of them.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? I'd like to travel the world and meet as many people as I can.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? "Hey, you're that girl that looks like a squirrel!" Haha. I kid, I kid. I'm not sure, though I would want a full report on whom I have influenced and how it worked out for them.

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 22 July :: 5.12pm

i went to that bridge thing today...

we actually didnt get lost, which was surprising.
so for everyone who doesnt know what a bridge program is, which is everyone i asked, its basically a stupid people program....either you were dumb for not doing your hmwk or just purely dumb.

we get to learn math.....like right angles....and read a book...

but going there for the next four weeks means not working as much, as if i was making enough money as it was.

gah...i need to get another job that can give me more hours the chuck e cheese because i need to work at night on the weeknights i dont even care if i cant hang out with people as often.

i also need to turn in my fafsa

oh she said we get our own special orientation and assessment and that we are her "special kids" good god could you tell us we're dumb in any better way. hm...i know one. "you're all too dumb for this school. exit now, please."

ama try to nap for a bit. g'ngiht

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 21 July :: 8.10pm

i wish i could dance. such an intimidatingly unlimited form of expression. you can just move, which is natural to our bodies anyway. when you're angry, you usually dont sit in a corner and paint. you want to throw things. but grace was not in my plan, apparently.

"...either javert or valjean!"

today was one of those days that just didnt go alright. i didnt want to get up, possibly from staying up so late and i strangely enough cant forget justin. but then at work i started to get aggravated wiht stunkel and pudding really fast. i dont know if its just tired or maybe mixed with pms or are people really not so hot on hanging out with me? kinda seems like it but i hope ill forget it after this week when i sleep and tom leaves.

"kidnap the sandy claws, beat him with a stick..."

tomorrow am going to columbia for this bridge program, which i dont even know what that means but i guess ill find out. kristen and faith are coming with me so if i get lost, i wont freak out. yay! i sorta want to run i just wish it was dark because its just easier to run when its darker. its cooler and people dont look at you and theres not so many people out anyway.

"And in my bones I feel the warnth
That's coming from inside"

im sorta worried. i doubt mr. curry sent in my recommendation letter, and if he did, how come i dont have my orientation with jessica and brittany, who are the last group? im probably screwed for college. i guess i was stupid for waiting so long, but....i dont know.

"falling...me cayendo...fall of an angel, you can see the fall (celestial) when you're feeling high yo estoy dentro de las sombras....when you kiss the earth...angel of your mind flowing through you...dentro de suenos mas profundos...yo ti oigo mi llamas...celestial...tus miedos profundos, me ves cayendo...falling...vivo dentro en tu espiritu...la tienda dentro de tu corazon...you can see the fall...angel...in your deepest dreams...fluyendo dentro de ti...fall of an angel...besando la tierra...asciende te, levantando te...fluyendo dentro de ti...atraves de ti...cuando te levantas...cuando esta triste...cuando lloras con la lluvia."

i want to start painting on peoples walls. characters and such. like a lot of people put winnie the pooh on babies walls.....and spongebob and loads of other stuff, stuff i can copy!

alright i think im done...my day has been made because i found cirque du soleil lyrics
now ama translate.

Are you a purple cow?


mudpiegrl

:: 2005 21 July :: 12.04am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: "Thirty-Three" -Smashing Pumpkins

just now
alright so im trying to get the invitations done for my party now. it's greatly frustrating fun!

ever get that feeling that you're walking on eggshells with everyone you're around. like...you do one thing and theyll want you to leave and not see you for a good month? i knew tonight would be bad. i kinda wish i had my friends back. i'm glad they're happy, but it's sad, really. i suppose you cant hold on to people forever, of course you cant. but then theres the people you could hold on to for just a bit longer, like your favourite english teacher who you know could teach you so much more. the thing is, you dont cherish your english teacher the way you do amazing friends.
the issue with hanging out with smart people is you always kinda feel dumb, although, you could do nothing but learn from them. it's the same with a great friend. you feel horrible because you cant return to them the purpose they set in your life. somewhat like a car crash, you can never fully remove the imprint although the danger has gone.
of course, a natural reaction when you have such a dent is to search for the guy who drove off after hitting your passanger side door after his ice cream at culvers. soon you realise htat the fight is useless, because he's not the only one with a blue sedan at about that height. but he's the only one who hit you, and you remember him.
so maybe thats what im doing. i want something as great as ive had, from everyone. but its so hard to find just right. and when youve come across something thats an okie substitute, like splenda, you decide alright, if thats all there is, then sure, ill take that. of course, as with all substitutes, you quickly realise its hardly as satisfying as the real thing. throw away that coffee and ask for a fresh cup, black, please.

sorry i changed metaphors. im almost angry. almost. anger is the easiest emotion, although i feel the guiltiest for having it, depending on the circumstances.

so i guess, thank you. you know who you are. but you dont read this, and so i guess you wont know. and to everyone, ill try to be more reasonable in my actions so as to not irritate you, because, honestly, you know i do.

by the way, honesty and sincerity are entirely different things. people generally conclude that all sincerity is honesty, although mostly true, the opposite is false, but also assumed. who has heard of honesty as a bad thing. while i was straightening my hair, i decided that i am kinda like the thing. you want to be hard as stone and appear unbreakable, but really have emotion inside. you could be ideal. but rather, those things that are sought after like greek art are also frustratingly difficult to accept.

at the same time, as horrible as i feel for making people angry, ive got this other frustration wiht myself. you know how youll buy someone a twenty dollar gift that you actually cared to think about and decided was perfect and they would cherish it forever? but then they bought you a card that simply says "good day" and signed, not sincerely, but in the car at the stoplight of sixty and milwalkee? oh and its got a wrinkled ten dollar bill in there that you know he pulled out of his wallet in the driveway and tried unsuccessfully to flatten across his leg? thats a bit like what it feels like. i dont mean money wise, because honestly, i dont care htat much about money. it's things that you do because you want to, but also because you know that's what you would want.

i guess not everyone's like htat though. i dont know. i doubt im actually as much as i think, just becuase i have a bit more of an ego than id like to admit.

well, if you actually got through this, good night. ill send you an invitation.

Are you a purple cow?

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