"If you live to be one hundred, I want to live to be one hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you" ~Winnie The Pooh
"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer then death. That's all." ~William Goldman
Always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!
-Spamalot
I wish life werent so hard...people live people die, people hurt and drama never stopps coming to the people who want it least...you know maybe this is all just cuz i joined theatre, there was no drama before then...but at the same time i guess i sorta enjoy the excitment and the roller coaster of feelings.
On a happier note, i didnt cry at all today, but i guess the 3 hours yesterday kinda makes up for that, but who knows the day's not over
ok i guess im having problems with my other journal, i cant log in cuz my username is too long, but i dunno how i got that username in the firstplace if its too long... gah i dunno i guess im just saying dont expect any updates there, ill write them all here now cuz the other one just sucks. poop.
i just went back all the way to my first entry: 7 july...almost a year...
maybe ill just get a paperback copy cuz then i dont really need to print them cuz this is my life this year...last year was endless papers and memories and letters and drawings and this year i havent drawn much and everythings in my head and its the only thing i could put for this year...
from there, ill just write it on word and whatever...maybe ill get a money order...sound good?
cuz i really dont write in it much anymore
:: 2003 1 September :: 2.34 am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: "colours of the wind"~Pocohontas
[ edit | delete ]
HIyA!
am going to homecoming! erm...i dont know if im excited or nervous or scared or what...well let me explain~am excited just cuz i got flowers, well basically anyway. half of it is surprise...i had no idea he was going to ask so soon. its six weeks {as stacey so kindly just informed me ::bows to stacey::} until then, and i really hope we stay together until then. am sort of worried that jackie will be mad at me, or pretend shes not yet making it so blatently obvious she is. stacey has already said "i wish i was going to homecoming", which, it is also true that she will be asked sometime during the next six weeks::again, bows to staceys time lapse statement::. I want Q to ask trixy really bad; i think they would make a cute couple, although, trix, if you are reading this, i will nto tell him to. its his decision, ive already said i think you guys would be cute together, and i explained "our plan" and he laughed, in agreeance i suppose. ooo btw, jackie and benton and i got our zoo pics today! they are really funny! well anyway. Jackie is going to get asked by benton, because wender will give way to his power, although benton may hold off as an effect to wender. ::shrugs:: eh! itll work itself out. sandy...well...i think well get her someone...i think kyle and lisa are set, even though they arent doing too well, they are too attached to break up...spencer and jillian too...i dont think they are done yet. sandy, wender could take or benton...depending...chris broke up with jenny, so he'll have to find someone! ::gasp:: am helping fritz with creative ways to ask his girlfriend...but i cant think of any...she swims which he might be able to do soemthing with...o well...post any suggestions...::sigh:: yesterday i bought a four by four piece of wallboard. am drawing a load of disney characters on it...twill be loads of fun! and then i will paint them! woo! i think i will give it to jackie or jennifer...jennifer because of her new house but jackie because she loves disney. [HammeTrucci: i was just telling him how it was perfect that i asked you out today and i was going to ask you to homecoming
battlestarre: and what did he say
HammeTrucci: yeah said "beautiful"] well...gnight...
Jillian and Jorian won the name that play contest, yay. we're awesome. but casey sucks cuz he beat us. poop.
so yeah um im bored i kinda dont wanna type for my book but i should since im really far behind and ill forget everything soon but blah i dunno. yea these are my random thoughts... hey whos keeping their jorunal? i dont wanna be the only one that stays here. everyone pay!!! pleaseeeeeeeeeee! i need to read and comment to ppls! yea ok so everyone keep ur journals, cept spencer cuz you just suck and never update anyway but yeah journals are fun. unless ppl say bad stuff then i dont like that. ok im gonna stop now bye bye
ok so i obviously have all my entries under private but im considering putting them back on noraml...yea i dunno
so crying, its supposed to make you feel better right? yea i guess it sorta does, in a way. But then afterwards you have a terrible headache, the worst kind of headache ever and then you eyes hurt and theyre all puffy and red and ppl notice and then ask you whats wrong and you just finished crying and forced yourself to get over it and then you explain it all over again and cry all over again and then its jsut crappy. Yeah thats what i was thinking about last night... i dunno. care to add?
to my friends...
i want to tell you all how beautiful you are.
physical beauty is nothing in comparison to what i have learned of you in the short period i have known you.
this is to:
jen
Q
mike
patrice
jill
sandy
wender
spencer
neil
chris
cathy
hul
...im sorry if your name isnt listed... you're in there too...i just didnt think relaly hard...
i want to tell you all how beautiful you are.
some people i have told....but recently...
hearing your voices and watching your movement...
seeing your tears fall and your mouths crack open into careless laughs...
your hearts are pure...some are corrupt...
but as they were born pure, they remain pure.
youre strong, whether you can lift 250 or if you have suffered all your life...
your pain is like carbs turned into energy...it turns into strength.
the pain you feel will one day help you to not fall vulnerable in the most important situations.
you are like buds....so ready to burst...but it isnt time yet....
when you do emerge...
slowly but surely....
your beauty will become apparent...if it is not already blooming...
someone will pick you and love you, stare at you day after day...smell you and smile at you...
and even when you die...
you will be remembered...
as the girl who survived so much in her childhood...
as the kid who suffered so much from one person and still was optimistic...
as the girl who cryed herself to sleep so much from loneliness, but still listened to whines of stupid things....
as the person who kept what was close in the hardest times...
it's a beautiful day
it's too nice outside to be sitting at home. so don't be like me and sit around at home. i wish i could find my rollarblades...but i can't. i wanna go rollarblading so badly. rollarblading is so awesome. i guess i could ride my bike but it's not the same. or i guess i could go running but it's not the same and running will make me more tired than rollarblading.
i wish i had a car. so i could just go out and do something. or just drive around. argh. last night i visited my old neighborhood (which as far away as deerpath is from my current home) and wow so many memories. everything looks so much smaller than it did 5 years ago. probably because i was 5 years younger and a lot smaller as well. well maybe i will go running. but, er, i don't know. argh.
i'll go find something to do to entertain myself. i have almost no homework this weekend so i don't even have schoolwork to occupy me. ::sgih::
Hello mother, hello father,
fleas, ticks, mosquitos really bother
thanks for the package,
thats why im writing
k9 advantix quickly stopped all the biting!
swimming, hiking, and tent-pitching
they're not biting!
im not itching!
cant wait to show you
all my new tricks!
thanks again for sending me k9 advantix!!!
full stomach
i need to control the amount of food i consume. and, no, this isn't another "i'm fat" entry. today's entry is based on how i should find some other comfort thing to turn to instead of opening up a bag of pretzels and stuffing my face. i'll eat and eat to keep my mind off things. i hate staying at home. i always have a family member around and stuff and so i guess i don't feel "alone" but i do. i wanna talk to my parents about my future. so badly. i wanna tell them "ok, this is what i wanna do and i want you to support me". i can't even get them to give their opinion on my schedule for school so how am i supposed to confront them about what i wanna do for the rest of my life? yeah, they say that whatever decisions i make they'll stand beside me all the way but i want some input. i don't want it all to be me. i have to start having an attitude where i look at things asking questions like "what if this DOES happen" or "if i do this will i be more successful" rather than "what if this fails" or "what if i'm not strong enough". the pessimistic side of me is stronger when it comes to making decisions for the future. i know what i want but i don't know how supportive my parents would be. i know my relatives would be estactic...especially my aunt. she would probably do so much in her power to me be successful. my parents? i'm not so sure. they'll be "proud" but won't show it. i want just for once for them to tell me that they're proud. you know they don't believe in hugs? my mom thinks it would be embarassing for me if she tried to give me a hug in public. i cried so much after any show because my mom would say hi then walk away and go home. she thinks it's the good thing to do...so i don't have a parent around when hanging out with friends. it's great that she understands "teenagers" but i wish she would stop. she won't even hug me for God's sake! joseph performances...let's see...she didn't even touch me until the second night after seeing me give everyone hugs. after the second performance she came up to me give me a hug. i think first time, ever. she didn't do anything the nights after that. i remember after one acts one night, i went out in the foyer after the performance to look for my mom becausei knew she was there and i couldn't find her. so i called and asked where she was...because maybe i couldn't find her among the large group of people. she told me she was halfway home. yeah. that sucked. of course i cried. at least say hi to your fucking daughter. i promise she won't get embarassed for having her mom say hi to her. God!@ you know she never taped my band concerts because she thought i would be embarassed? she did it for all my brothers. not me. nope. i told her today that i finally changed my schedule and she said ok, it's your decision. God mother, tell me whether you agree or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish she would've treated me my own age rather than someone who's older. when i was 7 she treated me like a 12 year old. yeah all of you reading this might be thinking wow she's lucky to have parents treat her like she's an adult. i hate it. so much. this has been my life and i don't go to my family for support anymore. not that i ever have. i look to others for love. it's not often that i find it elsewhere. every once in awhile. but whatever. that's just how it works. i give more than i reveive and i don't mind. i love being the "back-up" friend. i really do. at least for that much time i know i'm thought of. whatever.
i need to study. i've left it off long enough. goodnight.
