"...hold the wheel and drive"
I've learned that driving is very relaxing. You know how some people like to just drive to no where to relax or what not? Well, I never understood it before, but I've learned that it is relaxing. It's so nice driving around and not have anyone else in the car bitch at you for your driving. (My mom likes to freak out in the car even though I don't think I'm a bad driver...she just likes to spaz like that.) Like yesterday after school, I wanted to go out and drive so badly because I was upset and it's so calming to drive. Because while I'm driving I'm so concentrated on the road and about not crashing that my problems are put away. Every time I get the car to myself, I always drive through Greggs landing once. Always. Well, first I go to Caribou then I go to Gregg's landing. I drive down Gregg's Parkway (I think that's the road at least) all the way down to Butterfield listening to both Hello and My Immortal and I feel rejuvenated afterwards. I hate driving but I love it. I thought I loved to drive but there was this one day where I drove around running errands for 2 hours and I got so sick of driving. I think I hate it when I need to drive for a purpose...like picking up my brother or dropping him off. Then it's annoying.

For the first time, I've realized how glad I am that I didn't make the play. I got my chemistry test back yesterday and I got an A on it which felt so good because I had studied for it a little bit the night before and that was because I was home right after school because I had no reason to be there. And I got to go to bed before 11:30 which was a first in so long on a school night. 4th quarter will be my chance to really bring up my grades. My goal is to maintain at least an 80 in math because I wasn't able to do that this quarter. I had it for the longest time then one test brought it down to a 76. and then the quarter ended not giving me another chance to bring it up so I was pretty pissed for that. But that's ok...my parents already know that I'm trying (well I wasn't really trying in anything for a couple months..that's why my grades slipped because I'd stopped caring about just about anything and was thinking of giving up everything which I'll get to in a little bit.) But I did promise myself beginning of 2nd semester that if I were to get a C in any class at all this year that it would only be in math...and I've kept that up all year so I'm pretty content right now. I'm not thrilled for getting a C because this is the first year I've gotten any grade lower than a solid B in any class but it's math and well, I feel comfortable with it now and it's getting easier every day (not saying that it's easy because it's not).

So the giving up on everything thing...for the past month I've been thinking of giving up everything. Quit voice lessons, drop a couple classes for next year, give up theatre altogether, give up on myself. And yes, I was pretty serious about it and my grades and attitude really did reflect my opinion. And then within the past 2 weeks I was basically cut from Caberet, the play, and the V-show. Yup, the two things I cherish most: singing and theatre I was totally cut from. It felt great....you know...the thing that you thought you were pretty good at was shotdown. This is the first year I've really opened up to singing...in front of more than just my mirror. And I was told I was good too. Then the Joseph thing happened, I wasn't allowed to do Caberet, couldn't sing in the V-show. It really hurt. But I was talking to Goli yesterday after school and I finally figured...this was definatly not my year. And I thought about it: next year I'll be in choir and so I'm gaurenteed to have a solo in Caberet, Lestina will have realized that the V-show means alot more to people than he thought (Goli and me hunting him down everyday really hit him that people really wanted to do what they did last year for the V-show). And yeah, here's my goal: make districk IMEA for next year...maybe go for allstate (which I doubt I'll make next year) and then make Allstate for senior year. I'm pretty confident that I'll make IMEA next year and Taylor told me that now that I've finally decided to do choir, we're going to start preparing me for IMEA. I'm excited for next year. And the musical next year's not going to be like Joseph which I'm so relieved to hear. Because next year more talent will be needed in the acting/singing area and if I make that and get a decent role (like maybe one singing solo line) than I will be just be ecstatic. So yeah. I'm going to go finish my homework now so that I can worry about nothing but my term paper tomorrow.

Sorry to have bored you with my future plans.

Always, Sandy

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