i'm seriously getting pissed off. because this is bullshit.
i bombed my presentation today, my eye is bugging out and hurting, i keep hurting people and pissing people off, i'm always exhausted, and i can't stop thinking about how much i suck.
and it's not one of those times where i really don't suck, and just need people to convince me that i don't. it's one of those times where i really do suck and all i need to do is stop sucking, but apparently i can't.
three more weeks and it won't matter, right? right.
::
2007 27 November :: 1.59pm
:: Music: Life is beautiful
Deprivation
I think I've broken my body. It took me only 21 years, but I think I've finally got it on the ropes, and I have proof.
I can't sleep. At all.
I just wind up staring at the ceiling, and getting that half ass sleep that isn't really refreshing so much as it is irritating. Oh, and your mind goes to bad places when you can't sleep, bugging you about things you shouldn't think about.
The semester here is nearly over, and its about damn time. I'm already at that point where I want it to be over, but hey guess what? I'm a fucking freshman, so I'm nowhere near done. I'm actually getting started! wheeeee. Next semester will be where its at, as I've never completed a spring semester in the past 2 years without giving up, quitting, skipping, etc. etc. I'm curious to see if I have that fuckit mentality again. I hope not, but I won't be surprised if it surfaces.
I made my [Brass Hammer] last night, and despite some slight tolerance issues, I got 100% on it. If you guys saw my handiwork in high school and middle school shop, maybe you just shat yourself. Hell, if you've ever seen me try to do anything more complicated then change a light bulb, you should be shitting yourself. But I ran that lathe machine like a PRO. PRO I say. Even though I had no idea what I was doing yesterday due to sleep exhaustion and general lack of knowledge about drill presses and advanced lathe functions. But hey, its done, and I'll probably get an A or a B+ in that class, so rock on.
Other than that, I got nothing. I'm not sleeping, its freezing, I'm hungry...but I'm still somewhat happy. I blame Trans-Siberian Orchestra, as that will be epic on saturday night, and I can hardly wait.
::
2007 24 November :: 4.14am
:: Music: The Black Keys - The Breaks
Changing isn't easy, down push me down
60 years crammed into the past three, I've been more places then most of you could imagine. I've also gone not nearly as far as some of you. I can't pretend to imagine everyones individual trials, so I'll handle my own here and now.
There are times when I wish I could take everything back. Start over new. You can't change the past. All I can do is apologize and shuffle on. I'm tired of being cynical. I've seen dark things, been to terrible places. I miss the simple carefree times. I miss love.
It's really kind've funny in ways. I became the embodiment of shady. No more. My vices are the past. I miss old friends that I pushed away with indifference.
Never again.
I quit smoking. My 21st birthday was a good marking point.
Got a free two year membership to powerhouse gym. I work out three times a week now.
I work out of a college algebra book in my free time to get my brain back to functioning. I still suck at math, heh.
I need to get college over with so I can get out of this state. I'll be here a few years.
Any old friends out there, feel free to give me a call. It's been a long ass time.
::
2007 23 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: nostalgic, as ever.
:: Music: Billy Mack - Christmas is all around me
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows
It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow
C'mon and let it snow
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow"
except i felt intimidated while going into the church.
I walked in and the cathedral (is this the right word for it) was huge!!! there was this giant statue of jesus on a cross and it just didn't seem like a happy place, they played the orgen and it sounded depressing. the pews we're hard wood and we're built in an angle so that your back began to hurt after sitting in them for awhile. when the paster/priest(again, i dont know the proper term) started to speak his voice echoed through the giant room. it was extremely intimidating. then everyone else knew "the lords prayer" and all this other ritual stuff.
Death has become a common thing with me lately, in the past month I have lost 3 people i knew. It makes me think about my beliefs, question them, question if there is a god or not.
in one hand i think "hey, there is no god its just a big myth"
then i look at it as "why would people dedicate their lives to something that doesn't exist, something has to be there"
i'm just in a state of confusion lately.
dunno.
at least i got my exercise today though "stand, kneel, sit, stand, kneel, sit"
Yesterday I spent a good portion of my afternoon, and evening at the hospital.
My grandmother was admitted for observation because they still weren't quite positive why she quit breathing. They think it may have been a mini stroke.
This is already a hard time of year as it is.
6 years ago wednesday my grandfather passed away. (it was the day before thanksgiving that year as well).
3 years ago my grandmother passed away the day before christmas eve.
::
2007 12 November :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Old school Kirby stuffs
Petty annoyances
So, lately I've been depressed, and have been unable to locate the source of this depression. I've discovered the truth behind it, and while I don't like the answer, I've accepted it.
I truly live for the weekend. I hate the weekdays, and most people I meet. While a few weeks ago I learned that drowning my sorrows in booze is nowhere near the answer that I seek, surrounding myself with friends and family is.
Had a great time with phil and nate on friday, though I got the impression that nate's woman wanted to rip my head off. That won't be the last chick I drive to a murderous state of mind.
Saturday and sunday were spent hanging out with david. I'm amazed at the nothing we can do, and yet I enjoy myself so much. One of these times we will actually do something, god willing, that doesn't involve booze or sitting around all night.
The other problem is that if I'm not with someone on the weekend, I get lonely, and that has become devestating for me. The whole over-analyzing thing bites me in the ass, and I contemplate many things that I shouldn't, such as things involving heather, my friends, my 'distant' family, myself, hell, even Katie Albrecht. I mean, srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?
A stupid girl today reminded me that most people are worth dick. She was talking on her phone, and followed me nearly all the way to class. With speakerphone on. For about 5 minutes, I got to listen to two typical valley girls chat it up. Yeah, no problems there.
After Lara (the girl using her speakerphone) told Sandy that she couldn't figure out why Jamal left him, I spun around and replied, "Maybe because you are whiny, or self centered, or stupid. Maybe we can just combine all three and say he left you because you are a whiny, self centered, stupid bitch." She then looked at me and said, "Don't butt into my conversations!" We argued, but I eventually copied a move from david's book and used the over exaggerated head nodding with a goofy smile technique. It was super effective.
For some reason, I haven't given a damn what anyone thinks about me since then. All it took was a huge moron to remind me why people aren't shit, or at least most of them out there. Now to finish that homework that I've been avoiding for about three hours...though this kirby game won't play itself...dammit.