acidtears
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2008 4 December :: 7.37am
Bitch, shut up.
You know, I tried to believe you when you said that you didn't really like him and that you were sorry for your actions. But, last night, hanging out across the street with you and the other two Sam's, that just got on my nerves. I really think you did it on purpose. Tried to hurt my feelings. Woo-Fucking-Hoo, you and Adam do shit. You better be prepared to hurt like never before because he won't date you just because you guys have sex. Some of the things you said last night, I just stared at you like "do you really think I want to know this?". It was just "me and Adam did this, Adam said this, We are going to do this, and look at what Adam did to my boobs" the whole time I was there.
Why in the hell did I find so much comfort in being friends with someone like you?
Why did I want your company in the past?
Last night made me realise that you are really a whore and a waste of my time and efforts. And today's your Birthday, but know what.. there will be no "Happy Birthday" wishes from me..nothing but sarcastic ones anyway. I save the real birthday wishes for my real friends. Then last night, standing there with you in Sam's breezeway, you told me what you were going to get for your birthday. "Adam's virginity". Then you smirked. Fuck you, you are nothing but a fucking whore. It doesn't really bother me that you and him are doing stuff, I got over that. What bugs me is that you continue to bring it up to get on my nerves.
But go on. Go on with your ways. Because I'm not going to be there when you turn around anymore. I'm done with you and your shit. You seem a bit pathetic to me and VERY obnoxious at this point. So good bye.
6 years means nothing to me. And obviously you as well. BFF's my ass. Peace out.
-Samm
2 comments |
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acidtears
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2008 3 December :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "It's all your fault" by: Pink
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful..
First time I talked to you in a few days. It was the first time you asked me how I was. Not the question I was expecting from someone like you. But, of course, the only reason you asked me was because I asked you. I hate that your only intention is to get laid. I hate that you only ask me how I'm doing if it's convenient for you. I do not expect a relationship with you. Why would I want one? You get jealous easily(and get this, we aren't even dating, imagine if we were), you think you are always right, you are a serial cheater, you are everything I need to stay away from. So why can't I easily break this chain between us? I don't even like you. So why do I feel stuck? To you. I think I might know the answer to that. I believe it might be because I'm afraid to be alone at night. I think that if I lose everyone else, and get rid of you, I will have no one to turn to. I know that's not true, but sometimes I feel like that. I cling to you like a security blanket and it's sickening. My friends know what you're like, and I do too. Why can't I listen to them and myself? But you know what's funny? Earlier when you called me "hun", it didn't make me smile like it used to. I didn't even smirk. I didn't blush. I didn't giggle. I think this flame has gone out. At least on my end. You're like poison to me. But I still continue to stay in your life, despite your toxic sentences and ways. I continue to say "I'm thinking of dropping him" to her, and she tells me I should do it. I know I should. And as bad as this might sound, I have someone else. Well, I don't "have" him, but things are going on. (Not what you're thinking) And I can't help but think, what happens if I lose both of you? I mean, getting rid of or even losing you won't be so bad. I could live. But, if things went sour between me and him, where do I go from there? I mean, he's the one who asks me questions like "How was your day?", "How are you right now?", "What are you thinking about?", etc. And guess what.. he doesn't ask me any of those things just because I asked him. He always asks them first. Makes sure I'm better than okay. And no, we are not "building a relationship", we are just flirting, but you know, at least he is nice enough to ask me those questions. Instead of just "What are you wearing?". I've dug myself this hole, and now I plan on getting out of it. It might be a little bit hard to climb back out, considering the hole is 11 feet deep and I'm only 5 foot 5. But, I am damn sure that my Bestie will help me out. She will reach her arm in as far as she can and pull me out herself. Because that's what we do for each other. We understand that we dug our holes ourselves, but we are still willing to pull each other out. And if she ever gets into a hole too deep, she needs to know I will pull her out. She's everything and more I could ask for in a Best Friend, and I love her for it.
So Jess....will you help pull me out?
Because I'm in way too deep.
-Samm
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acidtears
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2008 28 November :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Year of the Cat" by: Al Stewart
When your eyes turned grey, could it be I made them shine awhile?
I need to get away. I need to get out of this house...soon. I'm tired of being cooped up and bored. I need social interaction other than MSN and Eric on webcam. I try making plans, but it seems lately that something always goes wrong. Tonight, I need to get out of here. Leave for a while. But, I'm not sure how that's going to go. I don't like admitting this really, but, I don't have many friends anymore. I mainly have two. I don't have many others. Kayliegh, and Jess. I used to at least hang out with Aubri during the day, but, since that incident I don't talk to her much. My sister tells me things like "Aubri asked how you are...and she said hi". Whatever. But, I don't have much else to update about. Bye.
-Samm
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acidtears
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2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.
Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey
(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)
(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What
Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty
say whaaa?
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.
And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.
The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.
So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.
-Samm d'Massacre.
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acidtears
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2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher
music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...
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foobz
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2008 15 November :: 5.46pm
i can hear what you're thinkin', all your doubts and fears.
and if you look in my eyes, in time, you'll find the reason i'm here.
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some day - to live once more, or die once more.
but in time, your time will be no more.
you know your days are numbered. count 'em one by one
like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
you can outrun the devil - if you try.
but you will never outrun the hands of time.
in time there will surely come a day,
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some say.
to live once more, or die once more.
but in time, your time will be no more.
i can hear what you're thinkin'...
mate, it's easy to be angry. but to be angry at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason - that's the real challenge.
love wins.
always.
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acidtears
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2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.
"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".
That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.
It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.
But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.
-Samm d'Massacre
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acidtears
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2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused
I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.
Give her a warm welcome, everyone!
Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.
So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.
[edit :: 3:46am]
Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.
I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.
But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.
Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.
Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.
My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.
I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.
My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.
At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.
So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.
Thanks.
* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]
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foobz
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2008 12 November :: 1.41pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: fall out boy - i don't care
but in the alley, it ain't that cheap.
i hate drama, but i hate having to be one of the stand-bys of a dramatic situation. it's nearly impossible to stay friends with both parties. i'm trying though. it's even more difficult when one won't tell you where they're gonna be that week and the other refuses to give you a means of communication with them.
i know how upset YOU are. i know how sorry YOU are. i'm just not allowed to open my mouth about it to the other person. wtf. i'm going insane.
oh and now i can't get ahold of either of these fuckers.
i swear they say one thing and turn around and change their minds within 5 sec. but i'd honestly rather deal with him than her now. sounds shitty to say but it's true and i have my reasons and you'll never know them.
unless you ask. in which case i'll tell you no. or yes. but probably no.
it's one of those situations where you know they love each other more than anything and you just KNOW you're supposed to be crashing the afterparty of their wedding, but they're both the most stubborn people i know. ever in the whole world. i've never seen either person more pathetic and fucked up when they are away from the other. but do they see any of this? nope.
they won't ever get over each other and will probably drink themselves into oblivion because neither of them can man-up and say what they need to.
OMG
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alex
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2008 10 November :: 10.56pm
I did blame others for my faults. I took others above the ones that mattered. I say this with the miniscule thing in my chest that keeps me alive, that i am so sorry. So so sorry......
I gave you my heart, i hope with all of me that it works for you......
I hope someday, maybe just maybe i will be forgiven.
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foobz
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2008 10 November :: 8.44pm
it's all just part of the fairytale
i hate the people i live with and i'm pretty sure the people i want to live with just might hate me.
in other news, my knees feel like they are breaking.
back to you!
the weather is forecasted to be really dramatic with showers of china, glass, and peoples hurt feelings. dress appropriately.
also give your vehicle ample time to warm in the mornings
i hate responsibility
but love being cryptic
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alex
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2008 4 November :: 11.55pm
:: Music: Flaw
Another day goes by....
Long.
I`ve Been Running away for far too long
Afraid of what
Afraid of what I know is soon to come
I may not be much of an example right now
But I can give you all of my knowledge on how
to get along in this place
right now all I can say
Is that I will do the best that I can
to be a good example of man
I know one day that You`ll understand
you deserve the best that I am
you deserve the best that I am
It`s So hard
so hard to think about when I was child
so angry at life
I blamed the world for such a long long time
But Things happened so quickly
some people just go
I needed answers to heal me
I wanted to know how to get by
and now its my turn to say
Is that I will do the best that I can
to be a good example of man
I know one day that You`ll understand
you deserve the best that I am
you deserve the best that I am
This is all for you
everything in this world
everything in my world
everything in your world
things wont always go right in this life
theres always changes
we`ll make it
"Flaw: Best I Am" Lyrics to live up to
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alex
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2008 2 November :: 11.48am
Everyone assumes this is easy for me. While i may whine (so they say) it gets annoying and actually rough for everyone to think this is so easy. I have to deal with what i thought were my friends talking shit about me and to have her think this is easy on me. I have few friends left and i will do anything to hang on to them. I'm about to just lay down for the count. I am to the point in my life to where something as little as a dropped ipod or something so minute can just mess my head to where i will drop everything to just be alone. It is easiest to just get away from everyone so i dont say or do anything drastic or stupid. Enough rambling from me. Have a good one.
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alex
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2008 15 April :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Guns N Roses- Rocket Queen
Like I have stated before, I am not a very interesting writer. My life may be interesting, yet I am not very good at translating into text. As I write, Paul, our kitten is curled up on my neck. It is actually strangely alright with me. Jess and I watched one of the "8 films to die for" a little while ago, and frankly it was creepy, but by no means that scary. that is about that, although i am starving again. Damnit........
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alex
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2008 14 April :: 12.20am
:: Mood: tired
first entry
This is my first entry and i have no idea what to say. I am having severe cravings for waffles and i am getting driven crazy for the need of strawberry eggos. I am in also in love and going to bed. I am definately not the most interesting person to read about and for that, yeah goodnight.
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foobz
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2008 14 April :: 12.12am
:: Mood: bitchy
and so i lied
we are back to this now but for this time, i mean it.
cause alex has one now so i guess i kinda am obligated to - you know - write.
and keep him in line.
and i miss you all
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sweatingblood
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2008 8 January :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Mad Sin - Tumblin' Down
What the hell. Why was I not informed we moved back to Woohu?
Been awhile since an update and I have neither the time nor energy to go over everything, so here it is in a nutshell. *Deep breath*
I'm engaged, she should be here by the end of February, I've been vegan some time now, I work at a sports bar as a cook and am going up that particular career ladder in bounds, I'm now the proud owner of a cadillac, I purchased rock band, it kicks an unreasonable amount of ass, I'm thinking of going back to school, either EMT or Mortician, kind of undecided, I've lost a good 60 pounds since last I saw any of you, and finally, I love and miss you Carl. Homies 4 L1f3.
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lil_bill06
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2007 27 September :: 2.23pm
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sweatingblood
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2007 2 August :: 12.22am
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: Psychostick - Fake My Own Death and Go Platinum
Well I went to court and had possibly the most leniant judge ever to cross my path. Typically, I get the mid-high bracket of sentencing and considering witnesses stated I staggered out of my vehicle, obviously drunk (which could've led to wreckless driving) I was atleast expecting a hefty fine. But no. Asks my plea. No Contest. Ok, hundred bucks. *slam*
My brother's coming into town tomorrow so even though I haven't worked at all this week, I'll probably tell my boss I'm not working tomorrow either. Ever since I moved out here I've been getting more and more enraged and self destructive. I've had some pretty bad mental situations in my life and this one is definitely towards the top. If anyone can pull me out of this shit, atleast for a day, it's my bro.
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sweatingblood
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2007 30 July :: 7.04am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Leftover Crack - Life is Pain
You can wait until your older or ya in a better place. Just remember there's no winner in this fucked up human race
So the week that I have court, get my harley, spent entirely too much money the previous weekend, and have to pay for the "remodeling" I did to my apartment...
There's no fuckin work.
To quote boss man, "If you weren't a good hand we'd be laying you off"
Fucking. Figures.
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sweatingblood
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2007 30 July :: 12.08am
:: Music: Blood for Blood - So Common, So Cheap
Crap well since I'm somewhere between lacking the mental capacity and needed software to get Word Press going, I'm stuck here until that can be remedied.
Hmm well I actually have very little to say. Guess I just felt I should update. But I do have court come Wed. so wish me luck with that. I've been bombarded with calls today with various members of my family and people I haven't spoken with in quite some time who are "concerned" about me. Which implies that someone in Odessa has leaked my recent confessionals to the rest of the lot. *cough* nessa *cough*
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sweatingblood
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2007 20 July :: 8.49am
:: Music: Apocalyptica - Kaamos
Cripes.
Quite the hangover this morning, due to last weeks extensive line of bullshit I was pushed to drinking tequila (don't know if you all realize this but tequila spins me into a blind rage that can only end with unconsciousness or a cell.) Luckily last night it was passing out that put an end to that =] My brother's going to Michigan to get my bike on the 2nd. I'm so happy. Even though it's quite possible I'll end up riding it directly back where he got it from if things keep going at the rate they have lately. But anyways frichen props sent over to Carl. I just leave a vague comment and 20 minutes later I get a call and a helping hand through the potential crap I'll be going through. Homies. For. Life. =]
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sweatingblood
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2007 14 July :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Tim Armstrong - Into Action
If ya hesitate now, that's a subtraction...
I got a credit card with a 1000 dollar limit in the mail today. So I went and bought a tape measure, cooler, 6 frozen burritos, and the biggest monstrosity of a sandwich I've ever laid eyes upon (seriously, it's the size of my arm, tastier too). So sometime in this upcoming week I'm going to the fuckin optometrist. I'm sick of being blind. I'll also be out of town Mon-Thurs so I won't be in the reach of a computer.
Toodles.
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sweatingblood
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2007 9 July :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: Flogging Molly - Selfish Man
Propelled through all this madness, with your beauty and my sadness; I'll never change
Mmm. Angst.
My dad once told me, "You've got alot of hate raging inside you son, you don't blow that flame out, it'll burn you up". I blew him off at the time, but I think he may be right. It's been the focus of my life for as long as I can remember. The government, cops, stupidity, myself, my mom, religion, countless individuals, money, the list goes on. I used to think it was fuel getting me where I want to go, but as Pops said, the only thing burning is me. I've found myself in the same situation I despised in Odessa. All work, no sleep, no friends, brushes with the law, and now, no money. And why? Hate. My life here was pretty good for awhile. I had friends in Josh and Ionna, and I was dating Dana. Hate was absent for a time. Then I told Dana my age. She couldn't handle it, and honestly one can't blame her, she's significantally older than me. But that familiar rejection sent me back into the spiral. I hated Dana for that. Because of that, Ionna is now scared of me and avoids me whenever possible, Josh only associates with me during work, and the far too familiar world of drinking alone, fighting, and spending more time in the company of the law than I'd like to has returned. Now, logically, I'm 3 states away, entirely new people, and drugs are totally absent. The only constant in this equation of misery is myself.
Fuck. But what pisses me off even more is the fact that the Dana situation bothers me. I don't like that someone can affect my outlook to that degree. I don't like that I'm too young to date the women I like and respect. I don't like the fact that Dana is still crazy about me, and I her, yet for some reason she sees my age as a wall. But mostly, I don't like rejection. Especially from a woman I opened myself to. I don't even know why I try. My track record is less than admirable. It's funny though. I like to come off so callous, say that I'm not looking for anyone, you know, the typical "bad-ass I don't need anyone" mentality.
Yet at the same time, anytime someone looks in my eyes and say they love me, be it a girlfriend, a friend, my sister, or my dad; I have to look away so I don't burst into fuckin tears.
*sigh* Anyway, sorry for the long entry. Apparantly I needed to vent.
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sweatingblood
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2007 4 July :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Apocalyptica - Hyperventilation
Well I had an alright 4th.
Woke up at 9 had a few beers and headed to the bar. My ex (Dana) was working and she was trying her damndest to get me wasted but I refused after a few drinks and got a call from Josh to go to Georges for a BBQ. After a few hours of playing football with the kids and swimming we went to watch fireworks and me and Josh's dog fought for most of the night. Ionna is also apparently greatly concerned with my actions as of late. She's a sweet heart, though a bit naive.
Carl - Sorry I didn't call you, I just frichen got home. But if you aren't too utterly busy I'll give you a call tomorrow after I get off of work. And that's lame that Aaron has no envelopes. Do these people not realize they need to work around our convenience?
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sweatingblood
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2007 3 July :: 9.37pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Blood for Blood - White Trash Anthem
Have you ever prayed to the night sky? Watch another stolen car drive by, lose your hope and say "This is where I'll die?"
Christ, my stupidity got the best of me once again. Driving home the other day, I clipped some lady's car in my parking lot (I actually didn't even notice, since I drive a tank). But anyway the cops wake me up the next morning and now I'm being charged with a hit and run and I have to pay this bitch 700 bucks for her saturn's rear end.
But in lighter news, I'm going to Elko (your guess is as good as mine) to work on a warehouse, so I can finally get away from the fuckin college I've been working at, even if just a couple weeks. And my first raise in the trade is coming up in a month! Joy!
Have a nice 4th of July.
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sweatingblood
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2007 28 June :: 8.18pm
:: Music: INDK - Rallying Point
For the past two days, I've been harassed over the phone by a girl I've never met named Michelle. She claims that we met at the park, had sex behind the mall, and I have asked her out so keeps wondering why I never go pick her up. I've never even been to a mall or park in this area. How this crazy bitch got my number is beyond me. What the fuck is wrong with the world.
Anyway, I finally got stamps yesterday and sent Aaron's letter out. I also just got back from Costco and I gotta say, a months supply of food for 100 bucks ain't bad. Only thing is they only sell in bulk so I'm gonna have to consume milk and yogurt in ungodly amounts before it goes bad.
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sweatingblood
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2007 21 June :: 11.26pm
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: Leftover Crack - One Dead Cop
You don't wanna play the game you better be ready for prison or out on the street
Oh dear.
I'm going to be sent to Carson City in a few weeks to work on a prison. I'm torn between my brutal hatred towards/unwillingness to help anything that involves cops/government/anyone in a uniform and my need to eat. Damn the luck.
I do get to see my brother Saturday though. I'm going to punch him right in the cock for not retrieving my harley yet. Bastard.
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sweatingblood
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2007 18 June :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Choking Victim - Money
First night in the new apartment. So far so good. Ionna's taking me furniture shopping tomorrow since I'm incapable of doing it on my own. Cripes... steady job, my own place, shopping for furniture, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was growing up or something.
By the way, remind me to never EVER shop at Albertsons. I just spent 50 bucks on sandwich stuff, cereal, and V8. Bitches.
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