<center><font color=white>Leagan .08<br>'Masquerade'</center></font>

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Leagan .08
'Masquerade'

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:: 2005 31 January :: 7.28pm

I just remembered...I have a stress test tomorrow! Damn...oh well. Maybe if I drink a hell of a lot of caffine and run for a while they'll find something wrong...or I'd kill myself. Eh, I do actually have people to live for believe it or not. You're probably one of them...whether or not you're willing to accept that, it's true...to more people than you may think. I could name about twenty people I live for...okay maybe ten...but that's still enough to make me hold on. I still wish I could disappear though...you know? Run away? Yeah. I hate it here. I'm going to London once I get enough money. Maybe...or Ireland (I like it okay!?) Or Germany, preferrably Berlin. One of many places I could go. America is falling apart and I'm not going down with it.

I had one hell of a messed up dream/nightmare whatever. I was sitting on the frozen lake staring at the moon over the cemetery, I looked down and saw shadows shifting under the ice. A hand...nothing more than a shadow broke through the ice and pulled me into the water. I heard the words "Remember" and "Stay" over and over again. I'm taking that as a message...but then again...all of my thoughts are wrong. Is this one?

:: 2005 31 January :: 2.59pm

Something runs through my mind, but it's wrong. Something tells me to run away, never look bak, and yet I wait...I'm pathetic, that's it.

:: 2005 30 January :: 10.47am
:: Mood: contemplative

....I don't know
What would it all be now, if I had looked away? Would I still be staring out the window, holding back the tears? Would I still be writing names in the snow? Would I still be waking up to disappointment?

Not that it matters now...

:: 2005 27 January :: 4.16pm
:: Music: Bella Morte

Today sucks
I have a student to teach.
I have flesh to tear, cut and watch split as blood seeps from the acidic interior of my horrid being. Then I'll lick it off and hold the wounds together with saftery pins and string.
I have much homework.
And I found this entire situation all too typical and pre-planned.

End of post...

:: 2005 25 January :: 4.26pm

Whatever...

Farewell...

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:: 2005 24 January :: 6.28pm

I'm disappearing, not completely, but fading slowly. My eyes no longer hold that spark they once did. Now it's hard just to look in a mirror. I despise my image and my being. I've lost my mind and will to live apparently. It's hard to stay away from the edge since you've been gone...or since I've been gone I should say. You were there, I wasn't. I'm a failure and I know it. If everything turns out alright I shouldn't be here too much longer. It is not death I fear but life. I fear the struggle just to stay alive when in my case, it won't mean anything in the end.

Farewell...

:: 2005 24 January :: 3.52pm

Yeah...psychiatrist scheduling....those people are the ones who need help.

What if I am perfectly content with who I am? What if the world knows that and can't accept it!?
Wouldn't surprise me at all.

I would like to rip a few people's faces off right about now and I'd have no problem doing it. But hey, whatever. That would only get me in deeper shit with the people who want to make me 'happy'.

What if I am happy?
Or what if I can't be happy?

Take that into consideration you overly judgemental fuckwits!

:: 2005 24 January :: 9.19am
:: Music: Bella Morte - Fall No More

Find the end, let us start again
Feelings lost now surge as oceans
So grey she rises to the world
And her name shattered years ago
Scattered with the northern snow
Fragments hidden well within our minds

Till the rains fall no more
Till the nights no longer find us here alone
Till the rains fall no more
Till the night no longer finds us here alone

In death's eyes sorrow lingered once
Seeing her life torn apart
The shackles fell to see her free to walk the earth
In her eyes life is present still
Through the day I watch her sleeping
I hold her close forever more

Bella Morte my new favourite band

:: 2005 24 January :: 7.39am
:: Music: Bella Morte

Please read the entire thing before thinking I'm going off on you.
I don't argue anymore, whatever you wish to spit out of your decaying ignorant mouth, I accept it. If you expect me to drop down to your level and bitch right back, forget it.
"The harsh cold winds fade away eventually, and so do you." Anyone who wishes to start something with me, take that into consideration first.

Now if you happen to be wondering what all of this means, it means as follows:
I love my friends dearly, they should all know that.
I still respect you even if you don't feel the same.
I apologize for anything I may have done to upset anyone or impose on anyone.
I will not carry on and uncivilized conversation. So if you plan to, just save it. (Not directed toward any one person....just a forewarning)

Also, since there would not be enough room to explain my mood, you get to read it here. I am in a mood in which most people would pull the trigger. But, taking into consideration that I apparently am not capable of taking my own life, I just throw all of this back into my cold little black heart and keep it there until it manages to escape, or kills me.

If I'm not already dead.

I thought I was once someone reasonable. But I've turned into the walking dead overnight.

Farewell.

[8:12 am]
At last things are finally beginning to make sense although the world still sees it as insanity. It only gets worse for them from here. It becomes less painful from this side. It can't get that much worse. I'm sure they can try but it just pointless. I feel a smile but it's not in happiness...it's in a feeling I've never felt before. I have planned out my future once more (I'll regret doing that later) and it's looking quite interesting. The only thing missing, is that other shadow.

:: 2005 23 January :: 4.28pm

I decided against what I was going to say.
Everything will be fine.

Farewell...

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:: 2005 22 January :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: content

I can still feel my heart skip a beat when I hear your name....

Odd...not really, I expected this. My heart still races when the memories flood back into my mind. I still smile when I think about it.

I don't want it to leave.

:: 2005 22 January :: 6.13pm

"You're a weak little bitch hiding in a shadow of what you once were. Let it go already! I mean, christ, you're useless already but keep this up and you might as well dig a hole and just jump in it. It's not like many people are going to miss you."

Hahaha I deserved that.

:: 2005 21 January :: 5.05pm

Something wonderful had come out of this confusing week. I have just met a woman who is such a great person. Highly respected so early. Kind and intelligent she is. Though a great person, she remains equal in respect to my other friends. And even those who wish not to be as such. Just because we do not talk, does not mean I've lost respect for you. Indeed today had me vexed, but I see a dark, cold night approaching and I shall still be here for it. And for those of you who do not understand my mind, a cold, dark night is my idea of a wonderful night. Anything, dark, dreary, deadly, cold, rainy, or dangerous is in my eyes, as beautiful. Just one of the very very many things and people I see beauty in. The things most people find as revolting, disctusting or depressing, I take into heart as beautiful. But ask me to look in a mirror and I see all that is hated, discust, hideous, mutilated by years of denial, repression, and holding in what I should have expressed at an earlier age.

:: 2005 21 January :: 3.21pm

My apologies to all of you, for I've been doing nothing but whining for I don't know how long. You'll hear no more of it. Because I highly doubt anyone wants to read through the shit of me whining because things aren't going my way. I've been childish and I think it's about time for me to grow up and get over it.

:: 2005 21 January :: 6.45am

Options
This means nothing but right now my options are, morbid suicide, asylum, fail school and be nothing which I already am, attempt running away again (never works, plus, I'm walking since I can not run.) or of course try to carry on and end up worse....I'm voting the morbid suicide. But then if I do that...I'm only weaker than I thought myself to be....like it matters now anyway.

:: 2005 20 January :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: I feel the need to write.

You know what I just remembered?

The story I never sent.

Now I'm working on another one and I've yet to finish modification and revision on many others. I'll finish them.

Procrastination never fails to amaze me.

"Phoenix Rising" currently writing. "In the Arms of a Fallen Angel" revising, extending, a bunch of other pointless shit. "Silverwolf - The Legend Lives On" procrastinated for over five months...still working on it (fourth of a series). "Darkness Whispers Death" A twisted little story of hate, betrayal, blood, horror, death, blah, blah, blah, and so on. Never even started it yet. "Secrets" Sucks literally! Rewriting and revising that. "Harkon Manor" Extending, making it more disturbing, more blood, more gore, more melancholy scenery to throw into the minds eye. Soon I shall be writing another story, perhaps I'll involve more of a romance based tragic, horror, mystery line. I don't know, romance story lines usually suck. From me at least. Although I do recall burning one of my old "romantic" stories that at one point stepped over the line of an up close view of necrophelia and suicide....the woman he loved died and he wasn't ready to let her go...so what? I did get another step closer to an institution for that though. Anyway, I'll be off to write.

:: 2005 20 January :: 12.14pm
:: Mood: Who cares?

Another trip to the hospital, this time by ambulance. This is normally the time when I'd sit in my room with a sharp object to my throat, lying in broken glass that I keep in a little rusty box. But I figured it all pointless to do it again. Writing and music are the only things keeping me alive right now. And I'm out of ideas for writing....so music alone holds my mind in a state...like that of an eternal dream that I fall in to when I care to escape the the world. Although what's better than living to see how much else you can fuck up before you finally die!? I'm going to die at the age of 20, a gunshot wound. Felt it since I was five years old....not a good thought for a five year old to know. But it's still there. Anyway, it's been over two weeks now, almost three, and I'm still sick with who-knows what. But "Everything is fine." according to every damn person who manages to stick needles in my arms and a machine to various places on my dysfunctional body. I can no longer run. I can't do much as it is anyway. I can barely hold myself up at times. That's fairly pathetic. Why torture me? I don't know, maybe it is now going to be a part of life. People seem to enjoy doing it. Whether it be trying to crush me or throwing my across a room. I have a damn migraine...it fucking hurts! Anyway, I'm going to go write random things that happen to pop into my mind. Or read. Whichever.
I found my mom's digital camera yesterday and took some pictures for a friend...in doing so I thought of this "I took a picture, stared at it, then saw the monster inside." I hate myself.

:: 2005 19 January :: 9.56pm

Last time for today, I swear. I just wanted to post this because I thought of it a few days ago but never posted it.

"Frail as the black crystal rose, you weep the darkest crimson tears that are only to freeze in the air of the cold world, and shatter on the hard ground leaving you a dark grave in which, you may finally rest in pieces."

The melancholy beauty in this, when you visualize it...

:: 2005 19 January :: 5.04pm

Once our duet is now a solo. But in a dream I've seen it, heard it, does that still mean anything? I can only hope.

Time is not on my side....time is against me....for time only brings me closer to death.

I have become fragile, I fear every movement for it brings pain, but I remain holding on if only by my fingertips, I'll hold on until it KILLS ME!

:: 2005 19 January :: 1.36pm

"Death's bride...don't look back. You'll turn away, walk back. To what you left behind to die. You're meant to die, dare not stay. But you'll look back anyway. You'll stand there waiting. Until death takes you to where you were going. Or you feel that beat of your heart missed and raced when you see him standing there....to take you where you wished you could be."

Death's bride is already dressed for the wedding and the funeral all in one...I'm waiting, frightened, to see if there could be a few words to make me turn back. Because my words tell me to go, some of my thoughts and memories have not agreed.

My heart is shattered, my mind is turning my perception from bad to worse. Only the darkness and cold are left for the embrace that brings the blade closer, that brings the trigger farther, that pushes me to the edge, to look down into demise.

I look back hoping to see someone, but all I see is the faded scene past the tears. Silence...is the most painful sound.....

And I'm finally able to admit, I'm afraid...

:: 2005 19 January :: 9.15am

....nothing to say....except, look towards the midnight sky, I'll be there...

:: 2005 18 January :: 9.26pm
:: Mood: content

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Such a lovely, yet ever tragic song. Nightwish is indeed one of the best musical artists, ever.
Ah and there has yet to be a distress too great that my cold, dark little room with the sounds of Nightwish has not calmed at least temporarily. Now granted, I shall most likely lose it a few times but everything will be fine *cough*denial*cough* but, hey, who cares right? Right, that and I have to make up for everything I threw out the window. Or I could just leave it all back there where it landed and just keep on walking towards my dark, uncertain future of whatever happens to show up along the way.
Eh, I'm not planning anything for the future, because it usually end up back there with my sophmore year in high school, half of my friends, and whatever sanity I had. Along with my shot at the Air Force, a content life, possibly college, London...well, that's not completely out yet. But anyway, I'm done, shutting up.

I'm such a horrible person....
Trust me.

:: 2005 18 January :: 6.58pm
:: Mood: I'll get back up...I know.

Just a few things to say...then I'll be done.
Wherever you end up, I hope it has made you happy...I mean that.
I will never forget what was.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.

And they don't call me Phoenix for no reason. These ashes are just going to be more difficult to rise out of anew.

Though tears sting my face, this does not change me. Nothing can change me. I'll always be the same...I just hope you don't forget me. I know I won't forget you. You've been the biggest impact on my life. I'm glad I at least had the chance to know you, to have had the opportunity to say I love the greatest man ever, anywhere. (Notice the LOVE not LOVED)

:) I can cry with a smile on my face because I remember...and always will.

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.29pm
:: Mood: Not happy...that's it.

You know what? This shit is getting really old, really quick!
Now mind you that this applies to several things.
Now I'll be off to read something or do something worth my time, like singing, writing, drawing, whatever.
If you want me for whatever reason you may find suitable, you know how to reach me. If you don't know how, look in the profile. If you do not want me, whatever.

:: 2005 17 January :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: Sleepy

Update on my issues!
Okay, so, after a trip to the doctors office he has decided it's nothing too serious, but I'm going in for an echocardiogram (I have no idea if that is spelled correctly) tomorrow for futher inspection of my dysfunctional body. So the good news is, I'm not going to die. The bad news is, I become weaker by the day. Eric actually hugged me today, now he's only 120 pounds (a six foot twig), I'm 154 and it hurt.
I couldn't breathe too well today but other than that, everything was okay...except for the fact that I didn't get to talk to Adam! But hopefully we can talk soon.
By the way, sorry I didn't talk to you last night when you were on, because I did not even know you were on, I was in ten places at once. So my sincerest apologies to you. I love you.

Thank you all for your kind comments, I swear I'm not going anywhere for a while. And for those who wished I would, hahaha I'm still here! Okay, I suppose I'll stop.

:)
<3

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:: 2005 16 January :: 6.24pm
:: Mood: amused

I have issues I realize this but I have suddenly shoved myself into a happy mood again. Mainly because I'm amusing myself with my decisive reactions to whatever the cardiologist might say tomorrow.
If I'm going to die shortly, I'm going to do something stupid and dangerous. If I dont have -that- long to live but it's not really soon. I'm going to enjoy it in peace. If I am going to live a semi-healthy but longer life, I'll be somewhat pissed because then my shot at the Air Force is shit. But I'll be happy that I'm still here. If this was all just a sudden thing and I'll end up living a healthy long life, then...I don't know. Laugh at all of those who wished I would die....haha fuckers! I'm still here! Then if it requires surgery I'll be pissed because I'll be split open like a freaking steamed crab!

I'm going back to listening to Adams songs...and thinking about Adam and Bo. Have a nice day...again.

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:: 2005 16 January :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: ....don't know don't care and you don't either....

Disregard that last post...forget it. All but the last sentence, the rest, just...erase from mind and memory.

Because I just don't care anymore. If anyone wishes to lie to me, fine, whatever, you're no different than the rest of the parasitic nation of blind, mindless, drones. (don't take that personally) If you try to hide it, fine, at least I'm worth the effort.

Now since I've nothing else to dicuss, I'll be on my way. Unless you'd like to read through a pathetic little story I can make up to waste your time. Other than that, if you want me, for whatever reason, call me. If you do not have my number, then IM me, either way, I should be available.
I'll update tomorrow on the condition, someone might care.

I love you Adam!

And just as a side note, that little "parasitic, nation...blah blah blah" shit up there, just ignore it, I was venting about all of the people who have lied to me. No worries though, I don't think that about anyone I like or love. So :) have a wonderful day.
I'm done....

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:: 2005 16 January :: 2.40pm
:: Mood: tired

Don't lie to me then try to hide it.
I have the sudden feeling that I have just been betrayed. By whom I don't know.

Either that or it's the sudden feeling that I'm about to go into an emotional breakdown. For what reason? You tell me!

I'm not in a very good mood today.
I've been working...and it very hot...so I'm a little off.

But I love you Adam an Bo! As always.

:: 2005 15 January :: 7.04pm

Plans for the next few days.
Sunday - Helping my mother clean the house (it would remain clean if people would learn to put things where they belong...I'm a bit of a neat freak but I'm not way out of control.) Then I'm off to the mall (the worst place to be for an anti-social) to see Eric for a while. I won't be online long if at all.
Monday - To the doctors to face my fate....I don't know how long that will take and depending on their words of my condition, I'll either be online ranting in joy that I'll be okay, crying that I'll have to go through surgery, or standing in the cemetery diging a hole...not really. I'm sure everything will be alright (I'm not optimistic about myself so you know what I'm actually thinking)

Well, actually I'm thinking about Adam and Bo as always...
So, with them in mind EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE! I mean it!

Okay so, now I'm off to...do something, I don't know, I'm bored.
I'll most likely be thinking about Adam and Bo while trying to come up with new poetry, singing along with Tarja (If only in real life...) and jumping around to Wumpscut. Hell yes, one of my favourite things to do! I'm multi-functional! I just made myself a bit happier.

:: 2005 15 January :: 9.16am
:: Mood: bored

For what else have you, but a life...with no meaning?
Indulge yourself in what you have 'won', for it's all wortless.
Claim the respect of your followers, nothing but drones in a discusted shadow.
Tyrant you are, but the power not your own.
May the sun not rise on your liking again.
For the night will never die,
and I will never see it yours!

Somewhat reminded me of a short Shakepeare soliloquy, where the character is staring out into the midnight sea, swearing the 'tyrant' will never see day, nor will they ever rule the darkness of night.

I, myself, thought of several people while making this up as I typed.

Right, well, anyway, I'm going to dig through some poetry and see if there is anything worth posting. I doubt it, but I'll just pick one.

"Am I reprehensible for your pain? Or should you be looking in a mirror?"

Today is odd.

Okay I swear I'm done typing right after this next statement.

Get well soon, Adam...you're always on my mind. Bo as well :)

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