:: 2005 11 November :: 9.51 pm

:: 2005 30 September :: 3.40 pm

just wanted to let everyone know I got a part as an Oompa Loompa/citizen/reporter in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
you should all come and see it, I'm working the set too and it is going to look great (the gates, the machines, the elevator)

as far as the part goes, I'm happy with it, it seems to be based more on looks and height considering the target audience (Elliot is an oompa loompa too, and Kate didn't even get a part) so I'm hoping to get a bigger role in the STC show (Arsnic and Lace, The Three Musketeers, or The Bill Show, it's a debate) and maybe I'll shoot for chorus in Chicago too

it's the year of theatre, I encourage everyone to take a look and see if they're interested

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:: 2005 11 September :: 11.14 am

there seems to be a small exodus from woohu going on
needless to say, I don't update too much myself
maybe I'll just let this thing sit for a while

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:: 2005 25 August :: 6.35 pm
:: Music: Ben Folds/Rockin' the Suburbs

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:: 2005 11 August :: 11.20 pm

I regret writing that last entry, but I should be open I guess, maybe it's the best thing to do
of course I shouldn't keep it all inside
but I hate being a depressive bitch

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:: 2005 11 August :: 10.58 pm

please don't read it, it's depressing and I shoudn't have written it
why can't this be gone?
I want this out of my life, I want it out of my head
out of my head, out of my head
it's just so firmly set, wound around my mind like some vile ivy
and I don't want to feel this way
like I don't control it, like this feeling's always inside my head
and maybe if I cried it would leave, maybe that's why the tears are pounding against the back of my eyelids, but no
no crying
just the pounding and the whimpering
and the fact that I feel this, it means I'm a failure
fuel to the fire, just an inferno of loathing
guilt, why? pain, why?
can't I be happy? I guess not
and I've let myself down, like I let everyone down
and I'm weak and vile, and I can't tell myself that it's not ture
and I don't have the will-power to keep it inside
I don't want to be a burden to my friends
and I want to feel happy, don't I deserve to be happy? the answer I hear and feel is no
failure, weakness, letting everyone down, letting yourself down
I can't
I should be able to beat this, but I can't, I'm a lie
why do I feel like shit? why can't I be happy? why can't I love a litte without the pain? why can't I deal with this myself?

please disreguard this entry, I shouldn't have written it, I should delete it, I don't want anyone to have to think about it, but I won't delete it because it's hard to keep inside

please disreguard this entry

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:: 2005 8 August :: 10.27 pm

hey, sorry I haven't posted, I just got back from glorious Newton, NJ/Sylvia Lake, NY
not much has happened, and thanks for the birthday wishes
life's been slow, had alot of time to reflect, get down, and then back up while I was away in the middle of nowhere

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:: 2005 23 July :: 2.10 pm

birthday today
it's been a slow past couple of weeks
I'm still trying to work out one major issue in my life
check back in a year and we'll see how i'm doin' on that
loving the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack Emma gave me

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:: 2005 17 July :: 10.17 pm

Well, just figured I'd update, as I do now and again
I saw pat and paul, which was great, and must at least see Paul and Tim before I leave
Summer's been okay, the UK was wonderful, eric wasn't that pleased with it
I'm sorry I don't update much, I just don't have too much to say on here
Life is life, I'm okay with it, sometimes I still feel like shit, alot actually
and my hands are getting worse
well not much else new, I'll vanish again, shall I?

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:: 2005 1 May :: 9.53 pm
:: Music: Float On/Modest Mouse

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:: 2005 20 February :: 9.10 pm

Put these in the ( ) for the answers

Y = Yes.
N = No.
M = Maybe, depends.
O = Of course (apparently!)
* = Already have done.



( ) go out with me?
( ) hold my hand?
( ) give me your number?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) have sex with me?
( ) play an SM scene with me?
( ) watch a movie with me... even a really sappy one?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) take a shower with me?
( ) be my gf/bf?
( ) have a fling with me?
( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn't have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) let me sleep in your bed?
( ) sing car karaoke with me?
( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
( ) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
( ) dance with me in the rain with no music?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions

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:: 2005 12 February :: 12.15 am

ok, gathering up my guts and manliness, sucking it up and giving it a shot
what have I got to lose?

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:: 2005 4 February :: 6.08 pm

well long time since the last update
guess I've just been a) busy with finals b) busy with people and misc. things and c) just a little confused
I'm not so afraid anymore to talk about me and talk about life, I used to fear opening up, not lately
the thing is, I question who I am, am I worth it, am I anything?
there's just alot I still don't know ... about what I'm going to do, the future and all things about life
I don't like being whiney, but I'm just a little lost and confused and bemused
lonely I suppose
no matter how many people are around I still feel alone
something's missing
maybe something I'll never have
but I feel like that scene in Garden State at the party where Zach Braff is on the couch just sitting there as people speed around him moving into his zone and out without event
a dazed life
oh well, what the hell
I'm trying to help myself, trying to make my life better, trying to fill myself up, trying to be a better person in general, because I'm not really a good person, not a very intelligent or enlightened person, just a confused guy ... maybe just a guy looking for something to feel right
yeah, sappy I know

some of you know I've been fighting depression for a while
my fault really, I turned down meds and tried to give myself a chance to improve myself, to fix myself, to do the right thing
I know alot of people deal with it, not saying anything's different
but I'm doing it alone, trying to catch it, trying to figure out what voices are me and what voices are the depression
and it's hard, because they've been there so long, always saying you're not worth it, you suck, you'll never amount to anything, everyone hates you, they plot against you, end it now, kill yourself. Every fucking moment of the day there's that negativity getting to the surface
but it's not like another person, it's like me, it feels like this is what I really think, it feels so real that it's hard to sort out what voices are truth and lies, what's really me and what isn't. Doing it alone is hard, it's all so confusing, maybe I am that worthless, maybe it should be over, I don't know sometimes, it's hard to keep swimming above water, not to drown. And I'm whining again, oh well, what the hell.

I guess I'll just keep trying to sort out my life



and I haven't cried since ...

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:: 2005 9 January :: 9.30 pm

for some reason I'm oddly at peace with things

I feel all torn up inside, this way and that, just ... reverting back to my old state
but things have changed and I'll never get back there
a mixture of the darkness creeping into my skull, current factors in life and such things have left me oddly complacent if that makes any sense

still, sometimes I feel like running straight into a brick wall

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:: 2005 1 January :: 12.52 am

happy 2005
I'm drenched in cider, half a bottle on me, half in me
had a good night, partay, running down the streets ect. screaming my lungs out

it's been a long year, and there's time to recap later, but my sunglasses are a year old and ... well let's hope for a good year eh?

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