tea
finally done with it
I got my tea
it's just been one of those nights where you have to make a lot of entries, ya know?
well, sorry for all the annoying shit
"who gives a shit if the glass is half full or half empty, it's full of poison."
night all

The end of day 32
it'll be over now
because I'm tired and I gotta get that cup o' tea I been thinkin about
and I'll miss you all tonight, it always makes me sad to think about all of you, but only because I don't really know any of you as much as I would like

But first, a shot at poetry which will bring about a few groans, or a couple shots as it were

and here it goes

So tired
The rustle and creak of young bones with old master
So long
Have I been here looking at it all
So much more
Is there to anything and everything
So much
Have I thought about the everything and the anything
So little
Have I found out
And so I leave
Into the light
Out of night
And into hell
Just for a time
Ending this part of life in rhyme

yeah it sucked, I know

now for some tea and ... maybe talk to someone if they're on?

random shit and a bit o' my story
he's a good guy
I told Hath things would go downhill, he didn't believe it, but they have been, my high is over as it were
well, he was wrong and I was right
things are going to shit, but I at least have Cyler and ... Hath in a way I guess
good people
and good help
it just might work out
but things ... just aren't going so well, oh well

now for those of you who haven't read any of it, here is a bit of a story I've been writing, haven't actually written it in about a month, but since December I've done 13,000 words (23 word pages in 12 font, that's good right, for 2 months and only over weekends) so here it is

All changes, even the most longed for have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another
Anatole France
He wandered down the street. Down the narrow cobbled isles of the alleys of the town. His feet seeming to contrast with the sounds of all the other life in the area. He didn’t belong. It was wrong. It was not the place for such a man as he. He soon found himself stumbling into even more unfamiliar territory, as the buildings deteriorated and the sky seemed to darken. The Underworld, the poor. This was the very opposite of the world which he belonged in.
Things grew darker. The buildings took on deeper and rustier shades. But was it so wrong? Was what he was doing so wrong? He doubted if it truly was, for what could be wrong about it. His lifestyle must be more a sin than that of these. All the thoughts began to intermingle in his head, confusing him to no ends. The clouds of concentration filed into his brain, the thoughts swarming into his brain. That familiar dark grip of thought creeping into his being and clutching at his very soul. The world around him began to fade.
Just than he was knocked to his senses. His foot had found its way onto the odd cobble upturned and had sent him flying across the ground. Yet he did not feel the pain of a fall nor the sting of faint. He did feel a rather firm, if not slightly shaking, grip on his arm.
As vision of the real world returned to him he reached through the haze of his mind, swiping at the purple cones in his vision, and blindly brushed away a strand of his long brown hair. His vision returned he looked over at the figure gripping him. A tall and dark Caucasian of a rather firm nature. His long bangs of greasy black hair brushed away to either side slowly drooping in front of his pitch-black sunglasses. He was tightly clothed in a quite mandarin outfit and his long hawk like nose hanging over a set mouth, tightly drawn, completed the look of firm decision on his face.
With considerably little effort he hauled the brown haired man up to his feet and propped him up by the shoulder as he took a few shaky steps to steady himself. The dark figure, very pale and considerably odd in the fact that he wore sunglasses in the dark, looked firmly ahead as he paced on and the brown haired man followed obediently. Finally a door was reached, cold and dim, but menacing and heavy steel set in rusting hinges in the side of a very old and crumbling brick building. One sideways look came from the man and with a deep and cutthroat voice firm as rock he said, “You are Adam.”
“Yes … yes I am, … and you are?” came the slightly squeamish though fluid response of the brown haired man, apparently known as Adam.
“It wasn’t a question, I am Severus, but you should have known,” was the still firm reply of the very set and dark man.
And without a word, but maybe a slight crack from within his body, Severus entered the door. Adam gave a brief sigh. He looked down at the ground and wondered. The greasy hands started to gain a grip on his mind and with a shudder he jerked himself back to reality. With one last sideways look he followed into the dark bowls of the building and closed the steel door tightly behind him. And wheels were set into motion.

How this feels is I’m just another task in God’s daily planner: The Renaissance penciled in for right after the Dark Ages. The Information Age is scheduled immediately after the Industrial Revolution. Then the Post-Modern Era, then The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Famine. Check. Pestilence. Check. War. Check. Death. Check. And between the big events, the earthquakes and tidal waves, God’s got me squeezed in for a cameo appearance. Then maybe in thirty years, or maybe next year, God’s daily planner has me finished.
Chuck Palahniuk
“We see throughout the process of our lives the dilemma of fate. It is only a dilemma in the fact that we known not what our fate is. Or if we are predestined at all. Is there a divine reason, or is it all a cosmic joke? Questions of this sort have plagued the minds of men for years and years. To some extent it is because of thought, but I digress, one must not wander onto the tantalizing subjects that exist in branches to the field of fate and to the field of philosophy in general. We must concentrate on the topic we see.
“Problems on this subject affront us. Telepathy, chaos theory, time travel, fortune telling, astrology, religion. These have all played their part in the creation of the ideas of fate and how destiny works. We see many ideas of controversy. And it is true that to some extent we see that some of these objects of foresight hold some validity to the reality of our existence.
“We can all see that there are ways to note another’s feelings. To see in their eyes and hear in their voice what may be floating through their heads. We can use this telepathy, this psychic instance as we see it, to make somewhat rational judgments of someone’s next move. To some extent telepathy is only a form of basic psychology that every being can tap into. It is an ability not limited to one species, in fact it may be the very for of communication for many species. But can one really call this foresight? Can this really help us see our destiny? How do we know the truth of this, or as a fact if it is a part of the predetermined fate for an interference to be made on a third parties part into the lives of others using this instinct. You cannot use this to judge the validity of destiny, not at all.
“This brings one to the idea of fortune telling. This too had seemed to bare some truth. But it must to be an art that has survived so long, no? Fortune telling is maybe the weakest form of foresight. It is a parlor trick, used to entertain the masses, and, to some extent, always has been. Also, the suggestions given by this method may be playing a role in the decisions one makes, altering the future themselves. This too is a useless art in the proof of destiny.
“Astrology too is weak. The position of the planets does relate to the effect on the earth of many things. And through trial and error of many years has told quite accurate tales of the future. But, once again, there is the factor of the power of persuasion. There is also the fact that it cannot exactly measure the pattern of someone’s future, it just tells the natural patterns seen before. It is slightly more effective.
“Religion is a major suggestion of the powers that be. It tells us of ultimate plans and of the future. It also tells us what to do and what to think, leading us to the future it chooses. But, if so much of the foresight is power of persuasion, how can we say that power of persuasion is not part of destiny. How can we say that these forces have not been sent here to guide us towards the preordained [path of our lives? How can we say what is and what isn’t, what is part of our fate and what is just chance?
“All this be put aside, as I digress but again. We see throughout the lives ahead of us signs of destiny in forms all around. What is destiny and what is not is not for us to decide, for I think not even those lesser or larger endowed that we can tell the truth of the matter, but we can still ponder to ourselves. We can ponder the truth of things that affect our destiny. We can ponder changing the past and the present. And that is why we are here today. We are here for you all to hear what I have to say, so to speak. More of to hear the impressions life has given me throughout my tenor on this earth.
“Putting aside the question of fate, if it is true or not, we move onto yet another subject. We move onto changing the destiny of yourself or others. We come mainly to time travel. And more specifically traveling to the past or the present. We deal not with the future because there are to many things to dwell on in that field. The idea that if you see the future it is doomed to happen, or the idea that the future doesn’t exist yet are to deep of subjects for us to delve into today, so we shall stay the facts at hand of the present and the future.
“Time travel is one question. If we travel into the past can we change it? Some people have thought about changing the future by changing the past, but I just can’t believe it. Mixing in a little of the chaos theory we could see that through that idea setting foot back in time would wipe out the world. Therefore the past cannot be changed and it cannot change the present. But in a way it can.
“If we change the present through foresight, or through a different form of such a thing, we may be able to alter what would later be the present. So, therefore, only by making the past the present could it be used to change the future. If you went to the past to change things you would wipe out the future. If you went to the present for a second time and existed in a different way you would alter life. Changing the future because, at what would be the present, it would not exist.
“So therefore, only by fully existing in the past can we change a future which is not. But if we were to change the future, by the chaos effect, so drastically through such a thing as the alteration of a past present, the world, though still existing along the same lines, would be a much different place. You would not be wiped clean as the changer, but you may be able to alter the fate of others and yourself. I know this seems a bit repetitious, but it must be stressed. I know not how such a thing could be achieved and as such theories as such may never be proven, and who cares to prove them, as there is no need to change what is so drastically as what would be the repercussion of such an action.
“The only … reason … the only reason would be to prove one way or another if the past could change the future. … But. But … would you even remember such events. You would …. You would have to … to.” And the professor rubbed his old left arm, nuzzled deep in its tweed stronghold. He started breathing heavily and ran his hands through his straw like hair. He hadn’t been able to shake the icy look of the blond haired girl in the back of the class all this time.
The classroom started to rustle. A few people reached for their cell phones and some started to get up. Running down to help the old man. And a ripple spread through the air. Everything paused and the blond haired girl walked forward, black pole in hand, outstretching into a scythe. With no lust in her deep eyes, none what so ever, she completed a quick backhand slice at the professors head. The usual groan ran through the air and still none of the usual signs played across he face. As she walked across the room, leaving through the door, time began to resume. The professor hit the ground and students crowded around. By this time the girl was long gone, but her muttered words still hung sweet and crisp in the air, “Interesting.”

Only barbarians are not curious about where they came from, how they came to be where they are, where they appear to be going, whether they wish to go there, and if so, why, and if not, why not.
Isaiah Berlin
“It’s just … I don’t know what to think anymore. I have followed the scripture for all my life. And I can’t see the truth in it. What is the point of following blindly like sheep? I must ask, why do we follow such an obvious lie. How could I ever have believed this crap? The deities watching out for us and the … so on. It’s just such a load of shit.” Adam buried his head in his hands. For some reason he seemed less perfect. His hair slightly graying.
Severus stared into the fire. The flame dwindled in the dying log, smoldering to ash and falling to a gray heap in the hearth. You could see it reflected twice in the sunglasses and you could also see his firm set features. Still maintaining the set look, despite the spew of blaspheming coming forth from his friend’s mouth. It was all expected.
The fire fascinated him; it reminded him of … something he could not place. But, it must have been important. But, he had to say something. “I don’t know why you could follow it, I never saw the sense. Even if it is all real, any one of theses systems of belief, what good are they? They are a crutch for the masses, nothing but a form of psychology, which we have taken and molded, the faiths are useless. True, they can help us with altered messages of love and peace, but if man was a truly rational being, he would not need the perks and the beliefs and he could just accept the precepts of the religion.”
Adam interrupted; his head had perked out of his hands. Severus was finally talking. And what he was saying was interesting. Very interesting, and he wanted to know more. “You said precepts … don’t you mean commandments?”
“No, no,” Severus seemed slightly disturbed by the interruption; he did like to rant once he got into it, and he did not enjoy disruption. “I believe … and I think most should, that even if the messages are good and the ups may be tempting in a religion. Well, there is still a problem. The problem is that the set proposal of a commandment is that it must be followed for the perks. A precept is more of a polite nudge. It gently pushes us into line, it is more of psychology, not a do it or else, but a hey this might be good.”
Severus had stopped his banter and now stared into the fire as if nothing had happened. Adam, egger for more of this knowledge, he felt the need to push deeper into the folds of this mans mind. “And you?”
Severus, now thoroughly annoyed with this disruption, decided this would be it. “I have precepts, I believe in the eight-fold path, devoid of the spiritual Nirvana, but retaining the fact that some good can be had. I have long ago given up on an afterlife or on a good moment in life even, but I can see that if man could actually persevere in things like right speech and in right mind the world could be a better place. A place of more right intention. Just a better place in general. I don’t follow the precepts, per say, but I do believe the basic idea. And now I think you must be going and I shall …”
Once again Adam disrupted, “Two questions … please … I need to know. Why don’t you follow the precepts you believe in?”
“I have never actually believed that I myself could achieve the eightfold path. Besides, I lack the tolerance. I don’t believe myself to be beyond it, I just think myself to little a man. That is just the way it is … it would be right to do, but I don’t think … that I could.”
“And … you’ve been avoiding using the words good and bad, why?”
“That is a subject for another night. Go home, I shall see you when the time is right.” Adam withdrew to the door, the steel wretched as it moved on the rusted hinges and he stepped out and vanished into the gray of the morning. Severus, with some effort, let a smile creep onto his face, the unused muscles of his mouth twitching spastically with the effort of the expression. He withdrew a book from the shelf beside him and read by the fire for a moment. “This I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion or government which limits or destroys the individual. John Steinbeck.” And with these words the last embers of the fire fell to a gray remain, no more logs lay on the hearth, and the light slowly seeped out of the room, leaving Severus in darkness, slowly fading into the dark. And then there was nothing, nothing but the dark.

this is only a bit of it, from the middle, you'd have to read the whole thing, leave a comment if you want to read what I've written so far, it sucks, I know, but it's done in my spare time and made up quite shoddily of my thoughts and feelings, and the thing with the professor isn;t exaxtly what I think, it's just what I put down for the sake of the story .... and I'm saying to much, night

What I think of people
As a general rule of my principles, I'm a psudo-Buddhist, so I got a lot of negativity towards deities, a sense that there is no real good or bad, and the idea of precepts appeals more to me than comendments
so my ideas will be messed up in short
I like to hope that there are only a few people and the rest is done with wires and morrors
mainly because I couldn;t cope with 6 billion people in the world, I can barely keep up with the thousand odd I know
People are, as a rule, nothing big, their lives come and go and I don't see why we make a big deal about them, worry so much, even advance or bother to killourselves, it's just pointless
my view on it, just hold onto some kind of mental safty bar and see where life takes you, if it's downhill, find religion, if it's uphill become an atheist, you'll be happier
But it doesn't matter, so why make a big deal about it, lif is life and it comes and goes and for something so short and worthless people make a big deal about it, I could take them if they were a little more detached, if they didn't worry so much, just take it as it comes and worry about the now
for those of you who disagree, tough shit, this is my mind, and for those of you who believe that's good too
The people I can deal with, I grew attached to, I like them because I am human, but I diognose and don't cure, that's why I'm so messed up, and also why I'm kindof open
In short, people should be a little calmer, more detached
and the world could use a few less of them

It's done
That's all I can thin about for people for now
I need some tea
I'll type my philosophies later tonight, or tomarrow
This was good
Lookin forward to weekend in Chewelea and doin somethin with Cyler next week
So I'll live that long
Night all, to write again another day

Rachel, Nora, Saiki, Cory, Tayler, Teriny, Josh, Andy
Rachel, you're a smart person
kinda alone and good to talk to
talented writer I hear
And I kinda wanna get to know you

Nora, I'm not mute, Monday wasn't my birthday and I don't know why I even put this here

Saiki, You're odd, your life is perfect, rich bastard, just ask ellen out already, or go to tori, jerk, and yet you;re a friend, it's like you're magnetic

Cory, Honestly, you're hot, I like that my derangedness doesn't scare you, you're welcome for the help, whish I could know you beyond the good looks and constant need for science asnwers

Tayler, Almost a decade and we;re just getting to be friends, good person, good luck with the person formerly know as randy now named linus, and best of luck in your good life, just be tayler

Teriny, another sweet, good person, don't let me corrupt you and never take me seriously, it will be your downfall and I don;t want to see that happen to you

Josh, you're tall, you think I'm buff, kinda am I guess, and you're a good guy, but I don't know you to well

Andy, crazy Jewish chellish who looks like Lenin, enough said

Pat, gentel giant is all I can say, you get it and it doesn;t turn you sour, what power you must have, ou'll be fine in this world, just wait and see

One Nameless Loved One
You Know who you are and what I think of you, that's all

Shanda Gals
We been through a lot
I love ya both, as friends
Wish you the best
Wish I could see ya more
We gotta go down to Florida again
Good times
Good conversations
Good people
Love ya and may ya get the best of life

Cyler
I locked the stuff on Eric
But Cyler
You're the only good guy I know right now
You're great, honest, and smart and I just think you should get more than you do
Take what you can get and get more
I'm glad I can actually help you

Logan
Yeah, I barely know you
But ... no other way to say it
you're a nice, sweet girl
I want to know you better
Help you in normal ways
Have just a conversation to find out why you're in my head
And maybe pay you back the favor
Be of some use before I'm gone

Raylen Lopez
I don;t even know if I spelled your name right
and I don't really know you that well
but I want to help you, one of the highest on the list
And I wish I could help
Somehow I feel like you are the most like me
And you don't want to be like that
But I don't want to be just another annoying person to you
so I'll do what I'd want
give you space, alone time, let you talk when you need to, and let you work it all out

Mergz
The funny
The talented
And the one who puzzles me the most
Why are you so hard on yourself?
Why do you take the balme?
Just help me take it away
You don't have to be happy all the time
You don't have to hide
I could accept
I wish I could help, but the door can't be broken
And it seems I will only know you superficially

Paul
I miss you
I don't care what anyone thinks
You had the right to feel the way you did
and you could be touchy and clingy, but you loved and you loved the people around, it's just how you worked
I didn;t know you to well
and I drew away and sometimes I blame myself for that and for you going
I think everyone balmes themselves a little
But I miss you
You were the only one who cared, or joked around, or really treated me like I needed to be treated
And I don't think I was able to help you the few times when you came, but I wish I could have
You were good, you helped me and I couldn't help you
I was callous and I drew away
I was scared of someone taking interest even if it was just
"We gotta get you a girl, Twitch" or "Be funny if a goth got up with a 12 guage and blew him away" or just the "why, why does it happen"
I miss you and I try to be more open now
I really do
thanks for the help, and when I think of what you have dine for me, even if you don't think you did anything, it is the closest I have been to crying as far back as I can remember

Concerning Tori
you're great
I don't know what it is, but you've got it in you to love and be loved, and you are loved by many
You seem to have something that I like in you, only as a friend mind you, but you just seem great
I know I can annoy you, and I'm sorry, but I warned you I could be a jackass
But you're just great, a person ... who .... what can I say ........ "Where's the confounded bridge?"
There is no word to sum you up, you're so much and ... wow
I can't describe it

Day 32, been a while
I don't know why I let this sit so long
I just had so much to go through in my head
And know I think I've got it worked out, at least some of it
I don't know if you call it love, but that's the closest thing I have for them, about 10 people, I love you all
I don't think I'm afraid of the pain of suicide, I mean it's just a little cut, momentary, I just don't want to leave you all
I face damnation in any direction, and i'd rather face it with you all, at least you can all help, ... well you can help more than Judus while I rot in the ninth level of hell
I'm gonna write a long one on all the people I care about, not just the ones I love, but the ones I don't hate
And I'll write some stuff about what I've figured out