::
2009 10 December :: 5.18pm
:: Music: Autolux- Turnstile Blues
I want to blow things up.
I am stuck in a fit of rage.
I want my husband to be home.
I want my parents to fuck off and die
I want to not have a presentation for Finals tomorrow
and
I want to find peace, so i won't feel the need to yell at people.
::
2009 10 December :: 1.12am
:: Music: Ida Maria- Nothing Sweet about Me
Ft. McCoy today... well yesterday.
I hate leaving him up there, i wanted to stuff him in the trunk and run away. I know i was the one to push for him to stay, and be paid for having his knee stuff done, but now i am fearful that I won't have him for christmas, and it will just be another empty holiday, on my own.
I miss him, i love him, and i feel empty without him.
I just want him home now. In my bed... *sigh* Hopefully in time for christmas... hopefully he will get surgery before then if he needs it and he will be home. hopefully i get through finals without doing anything stupid, or reckless, or whatever. I just need some comfort... and possibly some eternal sunshine.
I wanted snow, and now it is in the way of going to visit mike. the irony these days just gets stronger and stronger.
Day trip to Navy pier after i get out of math... well, actually leave math early to catch the train ect, ect. but i will be doing a wonderful photo project on the smith collection of stained glass, and see how well we can rush about chicago, so then i won't have to worry about getting back to kenosha at like midnight. sigh....
somedays it's just fuck it all, and i want to run run run.
and i should re-do my layout on here... the damn snow patrol bit is just so old now.
a whole lotta messed up
so, i saw my man today... drove across the state when i should have been doing an essay that is due in 3 hours. It was good, at first. Then less so, and now worse. I am married and i still feel like a rag doll, that just makes me feel all sorts of fucked up. I try to be happy, and yet i still feel down... I wish i could explain it all to mike, but at this point i am not convinced it will ever matter.
just throw on a mental bandage once again, and hope that i forget... although that hasn't been working so well as of late... seeing as past bandaids are falling off and i can't help but be overwhelmed by the past. ugh.
It is always nice to have one place that is pretty well private. I feel awful that I try to hangout with my friends and just leave because i feel like a wallflower. It makes me want to relive novels, and suck into my own world. But, I have 2 weeks until school finishes up for the semester. Mike will be coming home, and its about time because i need some sweet lovin. Time waits for no one and i have to keep pushing through the next few weeks until the break comes. Not that i want to go back to CS for anything, but at least it will be plenty of time with Mike. *sigh*
Ready to sleep, and have dreams of a day approaching quickly. I need to expand my music library, and my book collection. I have years and years, but I would like so much to know it all now. Oh well, back to reality.
Best Text Messages
(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
(330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome
(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
(714): we're chasing vodka with high fives
(559): Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
(310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
(704): We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
(919): If you're joking I'm going to be sad
(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
(404): What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so
here is me:
I currently live with my fiance in my parents house.
I am looking for a house so i don't feel like i am in a very awkward reflection of my life in High School
I have made new friends, i have lost some old ones and i am happy with how that has worked out.
yes, i gained weight, but i am also working out again and not depressed and thus i am not only loosing weight but also fighting demons so to speak...
Mike (my fiance) is leaving for Iraq next april, and i am working full time at my dad's store doing design and running most office operations. I dropped out of school because chicago is full of greedy lying bastards and scary places. But, it is a nice place to visit, and in my opinion not the best place to live (i fully admit that this statement is debatable, but i had bad experience where as you may have had good ones.)
No i am not pregnant nor have i had a kid, seeing as i have heard rumors. Other than that, i work and pay bills so i can hopefully in the near future go back to school, or at the very least buy my design programs.
i am moving back to cedar. there is nothing in this godforsaken armpit of america.
move home at the end of the month. much work and debt repayment will follow.
then 21. then enjoying my life and planning my wedding.
