TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 19 June :: 10.58pm
I think I'm sick or getting sick.I have a really painful cold sore that was probably brought on by the shots they gave me.But I've been sleeping all day and I'm still really really tired.
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 19 June :: 7.23pm
:: Music: Movie: Dick
Unfinished Business
I hate unfinished business.THings that are started must be finished.This does not necessarily apply to other parts of my life.Say,for example I starting crocheting and I can never finish it.Or I'll start a new activity,like taking voice lessons or piano lessons or dance lessons,and I won't finish it.This doesn't apply to such circumstances.I'm talking about human things.Like someone's telling you something really juicy and then don't finish it.Or someone asks a really important question and then you want to know why and they won't tell you.Those things upset me.In all these two situations two people are need for the action and the reaction.One person does one thing and the other person does something else.I hate those types of unfinished business.There are so many unfinished business in my life.
Too many to count
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 18 June :: 10.13am
Well so much for doing anything yesterday.Besides Ani I was supposed to first go to New York to play Laser Tag,then that was scratched,then I was gonna go to Roselle to smoke and chill,then that was scratched,then I was supposed to be smoking with this chick and her boy,and then that was scratched,and then I was told I would be called back,and that didn't happen cause I woke up today and no phone call.It's all good though I guess.I was pretty tired yesterday after Ani anyways,but still,I was looking forward to smoking.
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 18 June :: 12.36am
Ani Difranco.Saw her today.She was wonderful.more than wonderful.I've never heard such a beautiful voice.So crisp and clear,like a tall glass of iced water.The homosexuals were out and about today.To my left,to my right.I was so jealous.It's always nice to have someone you can hold hands with and lean against as you listen to Ani Difranco talk about revolutions and resolutions.
I want to be swept off my feet.Or maybe not that far but I want to just lay on someone's shoulder for just two seconds.I don't even remember the last time I had a really good,genuine,hug.One of those hugs that makes you feel like there's nothing in the world to worry about and there's nothing going wrong.I want one of those hugs.
I want something but I don't know what it is.It's making my body ache,this wanting,this need that I cannot pinpoint.
It's just a game they play
like Dominoes
they too will fall
I don't know.Do you know?If you do let me knoww
I want a hug
2 left teeth marks |
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 17 June :: 10.20am
you can cheat on a person not in your actions but in your heart
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 16 June :: 11.25pm
I was going to write this long dialogue about the aftermath of a breakup and why it has to be so dirty and ugly,but then I realized that it doesn't even really matter.
I'm so tired right now.I'm on this like rollercoaster of emotions.Anger,hurt,anger,sadness,then anger,then confusion and then indifference.It's so annoying.It's all part of the process I guess but why does it have to be so dirty?
I'm gonna go smoke and forget my troubles.Piff is a sad girl's best friend
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 15 June :: 11.41am
Haiku
to write a haiku
with lingering memories
it would be pleasing
get out of my head
before my dreams kill you. dead
your head explodes.ha
I was bored so I decided to write some shitty haikus.enjoy
1 left teeth marks |
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 14 June :: 11.47am
I'm not depressed anymore.This single fact hold so much significance for me that I don't even know how to go through the process of writing down how I feel about this new revelation.It's so weird cause it just hit me all of a sudden out of nowhere.Like,I'm not depressed anymore!!!And I just coouldn't believe it.I mean I've been so depressed this whole semester to the point where I needed to go see a therapist or I needed to talk to somebody before ,well I don't know,before something happened.And it was just this constant feeling that was with me.I wasn't happy.I mean yes there were moments of happiness,but I wasn't really happy.And this was just so strange for somebody as happy go lucky as I used to be.I never realized how much of myself I lost this semester.If you met me this semester,you didn't meet me.You met this ghost of me that was insecure,lonely,afraid,depressed,and just overall going on this downward spiral.
And that is scary to me.How could I have let one person control my emotions that much?How could one person have that much power to have controlled my every emotions so much so that I even considered suicide?I don't even want to mention that word honestly but this is my journal and I have to be honest in it.I became fascinated with it,the idea of it,the ease with which it could be done.And on one level I have myself to blame,I should never have gotten that deep,ever,but I did.On the other hand,I realize now that I wasn't even aware that it was happening,that I had changed,that I wasn't me anymore.And I couldn't put my finger on it.I didn't know where this sudden change came from.There were days when I didn't remember when the last time I had smiled was,days when I cried every night,when I lashed out at my roommates for even asking me what was wrong.And it just kept getting worse and worse.With every fight,with every scathing word,with every negative action I just kept falling deeper and deeper into it.And I hid it so well.I even hid it from myself how serious it really was.I was so unhappy!!My god.Where did I go?What happened to me?how could it have happened?Is that really what love is?Becuase if it then it is a scary,scary place.And I will never ever ever go there ever again.This new me,the me that I used to be,feels so strange to me.Becuase I am happy,and I am smiling,and I'm talking to people and going out and living my life.I feel suddenly so free.And I know how cliched it is but I really do.I feel invincible,like nothing can touch me.I'm telling you,she has released me,she might not realize it but this is the single best gift that anyone has ever given me in my entire life.Becuase as soon as she said those words that severed all ties,I had no choice but to move on,and go on with my daily life.It came so effortlessly.
And I love her.I will not lie.this is my journal and I am determined to be honest at all cost.I love her,crazy as it is,I really do.Perhaps it all happened too fast,we both weren't in the right mind to be in a relationship,misery loves company etc. etc.I don't want it to seem like it was all bad,even though the negative always overshadow the positive.She became my second best friend.She knows things about me that no one else knows or maybe never will outside of my best friend.And I cherish that.Becuase I found a part of me through her.I was able to come out.And she was there for me to lean on at the time when I needed suport the most.And that I will never forget.Becuase first and foremost she is my friend.And I love and cherish my friends and their frienship.So yes I love her.And becuase things are clearer now and I can rationalize and be logical,I see where mistakes were made.How things could have been different.But that's just it.mistakes are made in life.It's the cycle of things.You live and you learn.There's always a bad that comes with a good.To experience ultimate pleasure you must also experience ultimate pain to better appreciate the good more.So I take everything.I own it as part of me.I'll add the pain to the scars I've endured,and add the pleasure to permanence it has left on my soul.And I'll keep it moving
1 left teeth marks |
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 13 June :: 1.16am
:: Music: Tegan and Sara-Don't Confess
Don't Confess
Don't think I'll confess
Why would I confess, that I
Don't think I'll deny
Why would I deny, that I
And don't be so hard on yourself
You won't get better till you'll get worse
Yeah you, send a little smile my way
And don't be so hard on yourself
You won't get better till you'll get worse
Yeah you, send a little love my way
And every second I spend waiting
Drive me closer to this grave
I'm not alone, no I'm just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside
I congratulate her on her self professed need to eradicate me from her life like I was a foot fungus thats needs some ointment as the cure.Just because I'm not in your words does not mean I'm not in your mind
listen softly
it carries on the wind
do you hear it
gently
the zephyr passes your ears
do you hear it
cock your head
just to your right
can't hear it still
it's your heart saying...
I miss her
Is it customary of people to treat you like shit,accuse you of shitting on yourself when they in actuality did it,then leave you to clean up the mess they left behind.
I feel like a truck has been run over me for these very long months and the person who should be repenting isn't
fuck her
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 12 June :: 10.14pm
praise the lord I'm not crazy,I'm completely sane,I was not imagining that I was in a crazy ass rollercoaster relationship...praise the lord
Amen
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 12 June :: 5.40pm
Hate
It's never a good thing to hate someone but it is very easy to do so out of hurt and anguish and there's no use pretending you don't hate the person,even if it's for five seconds,two minutes,or a lifetime.
Right now I hate with all the venom that's running through my veins
And I guess there really is a thin line between love and hate
I feel so betrayed
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 11 June :: 11.05am
:: Mood: hyper
he jests that scars
"He jests that scars that never felt a wound."My favorite Shakespearan line of all time.It's the scene where Romeo's buddies are making fun of him for being in love and he speaks that line.You can laugh at me all you want becuase you've never been in my shoes.Your heart has
You are a shape
you shift and turn
I see you face
it's a blur
Let me in
I want to know
I want that smile
of yours to show
You are the lips
On which I placed
My very last
enduring kiss
I want to know
I want that smile
Of yours to show.
You are my heart
You beat for me
Like the base of a drum
I hear you speak
You lilt and lilt
Your voice so smooth
I must say
it make me swo...No
It makes me blue
So show your face
I want to know
I want that smile
of yours to show
It matters not
The tears I cry
All I want
is to see you smile
Wow that just hit me and I just had to write it down.It interrupted my thought process it was pushing itself out so urgently.Free writing at it's best I supposed.Well anyways lets get on with the point I was making...
Your heart has never been so touched so therefore you cannot judge me.On the flip side of the coin He jest that scars that also felt a wound.Perhaps the jester has been in love before,as well.But has had their heart broken and
Love is beautiful
and should never be marred
I will take every heartbreak
that comes along
With a smile on my face
I will one day find true love
woah these poems just keep coming and I don't know from where!anyways contiunuing...
And as a result have become quiet the bitter batter.But as my poem illustrates,I will take every heart break that comes along,becuase it is a way for me to recognize when true love finallly comes along;it will have a different face,hold a different shape,it will speak to me in words I barely understand,but that my heart will come to know.
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 11 June :: 2.21am
my friend just broke up with her boyfriend becuase he wasn't willing to recognize her feelings.I felt where she was coming from.I can understand having a disagreement but never accepting my feelings and never acknowledging that they exist?That's so disrespectful and selfish and completely uncaring.
I respect her so much for respecting herself enough to understand when it was time to cut someone lose because they didn't appreciate her and I respect her for understanding that sometimes love is just not enough.
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 10 June :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: horny
I'm feeling all types of way sexually right now.sigh.Am I really going to leave to go to South Africa without getting no ass.Damn that would suck,no pun intended
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 10 June :: 6.48pm
It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy your in love
'Cause every color goes where you do
I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow
How could you know what i'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it
In relationships you fight and fight and fight for something you believe in, i.e love.And then one day you suddenly realize that you are fighting for nothing because the person doesn't care or they don't care enough.So then you stop fighting and there's this desolation becuase it was what you lived for;what you believed in.Becuase you were fighting for the love you knew you deserved but that never came.
I think that's the stage my friend is at right now.She suddenly realized that she was the only one fighting for something she believed in for two years.Was those two years a waste of time and heart and love?Or was it all part of the grand scheme of things?
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 10 June :: 5.35pm
:: Music: Frou Frou:Breathe In
I read you and God I'm good at it I'm so spot on
Chord shapes in air go press that dissonance if you dare
And you breathing in finesse an innocent
From her partying
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love, you know...
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And I'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
'Cause I love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 10 June :: 4.39pm
I met the loveliest girl last night.Beautiful in every way imaginable and straight.lol.It's cool though we can be friends.Why do I fall for straight chicks?
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 10 June :: 1.19pm
And the book of life said "you must experience things to live" and so it was
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 9 June :: 9.27pm
:: Music: Book:Perks of Being a Wallflower
Times like these I lose myself in books:they don't hurt you,they don't lie to you(well they do but not in that way),and they don't judge you out of guilt
I'm gonna go read my favorite book of all time
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 9 June :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Corrine Bailey Rae-Trouble Sleeping
It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing
Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else
Don't say I'm falling in love
Some kind of therapy
Is all I need
Please believe me
Some instant remedy
That can cure me completely
Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else
Don't say I'm falling in love
Cause I've been there before
It's not enough
So nobody say it
Don't even say it
I got my eyes shut
Whoah, no
Whoah, no, no, no
Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else
Don't say I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Is there a rule book for getting over a person?What if you keep trying and you don't succeed?What do you do then?I feel like I'm playing catch-up right now.She already lost feeling for me a long time ago,while I was unaware of it and thinking that the only reason why she was acting towards me the way she was was becuase she was just stressed about the direction her life was taking.And now,while I'm in the getting over her phase and living my life,I wonder,has she already moved on?Was there somebody else already there and she was just waiting to get rid of me while the person stood in the periphery waiting to be cast in the spotlight?Can a person get over someone they loved that quick?Would it still be love if they did?Is it possible to do this?Is love then not everlasting like it's touted to be?
I have nothing on which to base my assumptions on.I don't have a lesbian rule book of etiquette.I've only been with one person.One person on which all my assumptions and knowledge comes from.
I sometimes wonder if people have different definitions of what being in love is.I always assumed that since loveit so universal,that we all knew what it meant:unconditional,I will do for you as you will do for me,I will jump through fire to save you etc etc that type of stuff.So why does a man hit his woman then tell her he loves her?Why do people cheat on each other while they pledge their love?How is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?I thought the saying goes that you can only love once.And if this is true,then why would you lie to someone and tell them you love them,when they were constantly in the shadow becuase your mind was on someone else?I mean I know they say there's a thin line between love and hate but can it really be that thin?
I want to know
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 9 June :: 1.58pm
:: Mood: happy
I just booked my ticket for SOuth Africa.I'm sooo excited!!!!There are six out of nine of us who are going to be boarding the same plane there then we are gonna stay the night in J-Burg,three rooms,45bucks per person which is not bad since it's an actual really nice hotel.Now the only thing left to do is to get my passport,Visa,shots,and my luggage to start packing.I'm worried about my passport cause it takes Six Weeks to get it,I sent for it two weeks ago so I should have it by the end of June.That's if everything goes right.Then the Visa take 3-5business days,and the shots I'm getting this wednesday and the luggage I'm probably gonna go get it from Wal-Mart or Burlington this weekend.So everything's working out so far...
I can't believe I'll be in Africa for seven months!!!!!!
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 8 June :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: amused
I cannot wait to go to the Ani Difranco concert next saturday.It's gonne be fun.I've never seen her in concert before.
I now officially have the biggest crush on my professor.She's probably the coolest professor I've had in school.And she's hot in such a way I can't describe.Like she's not pretty in the traditional sense.She's really muscular.But she's still hot nonetheless.I was thinking the nastiest thoughts in class today I felt ashamed.hehWhat I wouldn't give to have for one night....
mmmmmmmmmmmm yum
1 left teeth marks |
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 8 June :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: indifferent
Sometimes to get over someone you really love you have to hear them say to you the most painful things,feel it dig into you like shards of glass till you feel you cannot take the pain anymore until you get to the numb state where you lose all feeling
And then you stop caring
take a chunk out
|
|
tapdanceoveryourheart
|
::
2006 8 June :: 1.54pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Tracy Bonham:Naked
A little bird
Perches on a branch.
A beautiful, golden-feathered
Little bird.
Her eyelids
Are closed in sleep.
She may have beautiful dreams,
Perhaps.
How wonderful to be
A little bird,
To wake up
And fly away.
This is poem is so deep it moves me every time I read it.It's simplicity;it's hopefullness.I love poetry.I love poetry like some people love music.It heals me in times of depression.Hardly have I ever really written a poem when I wasn't depressed
I want to be loved unconditionally or not at all.Is that too much to ask?
I really miss my grandmother right now.I want to crawl in her lap and fall asleep like I used to do when I was younger.I wish she was still alive
My stubborn skin is wearing thin
I bared my soul you waltzed right in
I gave you everything and you just made me feel so very
Naked, and I can't remember how I let myself become so unraveled
I'm naked pretty as a heart ache waiting for my second skin to settle in
I spilled my guts on your best shoes
You keep it in I let it loose
It's only love that makes me feel like getting so completely
Naked and I can't remember how I let myself become so unraveled
I'm naked pretty as a heart ache waiting for my second skin to settle in
Your hardened heart can't hide you now
It loves as much as you allow
And in the end the eyeball army will just take you down and you'll be
Naked nothing but a heart ache and you know there's
Nothing that can hide you now
You're naked pretty as a heart beat going out exactly how you came in.
It's lyrics like these that make me realize that heartbreak is universal.Everyone at one point or another has had their heart broken in some way or another.It's like the natural order of things it seems
take a chunk out
|
|
TapDanceOverYourHeart
|
::
2006 7 June :: 11.37pm
I'm certifiably a drama queen.It's official.I know this and I admit it.
1 left teeth marks |
take a chunk out
|
|