ugh
So, I guess it all did matter, except for the fact that she loved me. Oh how I wished that that were enough. But it wasn't. It wasn't enough for her. Five months, let's pull the handle, flush, there it goes. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that her life turns on a dime like that. I hate that she's classified me in her life like she's somehow superior that she can do that. I hate it. I hugged her and I started crying like I'm crying now. It wasn't enough for her. It's never going to be enough for her.

Does the rules of the Computer Lab not state "NO CELLPHONES"?
Stupid people.

I reviewed my entries from this time last year, go ahead, look at them. Do the survey. Please!!!!! I am naked!!!!!! No, not really. Not that you'd look anyway.

Look, I'm coming up on that time last year when I fell for her hard. I'm glad I did. I'm glad we have what we have now. Despite the fact that I am turning my head. Despite the fact that I have seen her a whole total sum of 3 hours in the last three weeks. Despite my all encompassing desire to know her. Despite my efforts and my best laid plans (no pun intended). I still love her. The thought of that, for some reason makes me want to cry, it also won't let me type right. Are we better people for this? I'm not sure sometimes, but let's hope so.

none
Have you ever noticed that the word "none" is a combination of "no" and "one" without the extra "o"?

Believer to Believer, one has to wonder sometimes if this are just little tricks being played on us. That when we think things are as they should be, they really are not. When one thinks there is a purpose for a person in your life, and you embrace that, you making a grave mistake. Or maybe God's spectacular plan is just being played with by ignorant and stubborn human beings who are so selfish that they cannot possible comprehend the damage they are doing. Not only in their relationship with Him, but in their relationships with others.

I'm coming home. I'm just really sick of this place again.

Whatever
This weekend was great. This week has been gong pretty good so far.

Saturday, we both worked and then I came home and slept. Kim came and picked me up and we went over to her firend Christine's house for her b-day party. We followed that up by going bowling. The six of us had a pretty good night. I was the last one to bowl first and I told everyone that I probably wasn't going to be very good, but I got a strike in the first frame. Then in the third game I laid down on the floor and rolled the ball down the alley very slowly before Kim's pins were even out of the way. The machine reset mine and got out of the way just before the ball hit them and I got another strike. It really is absolutely hilarious what entertains me right now. Or rather what I think would be entertaining to you.

I'm in a rambling mood. I took two midterms yesterday so my mind is going faster right now than I can actually write. I wrote, actually hand wrote 8.5 pages yesterday for the two exams combined. I hope I do okay. What am I talking about? Of course I will.

Promise cannot go unfulfilled. I am ready for life. I am ready for whatever is out there. I believe that I am a dynamic individual equipped with the tools to be successful in a dynamic world. But successful at what is the question. I may still go into the ED program, but it doesn't offer much promise.
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Sidebar- I think the establishment as education as a profession is the wrong way to go. I think schools should hire actual professionals in the field to teach subjects. This would give the students connections, improve schools, and alliviate the job market.
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The route through graduate school does not quite seem to be what I want to do. I don't want to write a disertation. I don't want to jump through hoops for stodgy old people who were made to jump through the same hoops. Academia is not sexy enough for me. I don't know if there is a job out there for me in politics. I think that is where I would like my future to be. Maybe get a position in state government, or in a Reps office. Case work would be like what I most want to do. I'm just not sure what direction my life is going in. Everytime I ask for direction from someone they push me in a certian way that kind of sounds like what I want, but not completely. One day divine inspiriation will come to me and it will all be clear, unfortunately that day will be the day I die.

We talked for quite a bit Sunday night. For the first time I actually felt sorry for what I had done in the past. If you are out there, this is the first time I have ever been sorry for what we had. I may have regreted it and been extremely bitter about it, but I was never sorry. Now I am because I gave away something that was so precious, something that I wish I could give to her. And that is exactly why I don't want it from her, because I don't want to take what could belong to someone else.

Classes Stress and stressors gone
So stress point #1: 3rd shift job- Gone as of last Friday morning.
Stress point #2: Spanish 101- Gone as of this morning. I dropped the class.
Stress points #3,4,5,6,7 ..... 1,000,000,000,000: Do not come close to equalling the stress caused by #1 and #2.

I am the rock; I should be strong, but I cannot summon the strength
Right now, I don't know what to do.

I am so tired. Tired of my job. Tired of these long nights. Tired of getting home from work when the sun is coming up. Life could be good. Life could be grand. But now, put a paper bag on my head and I would just give up than rather to try to find my way out.

It really kills when there are two things in my life right now that are horrible stressors, and all I want to do is to avoid them both like the plague (yes, I know, a coloqualism). Both my job at BP, which will be over on Thursday, but still, I want it to be done now, and my Spanish class. Spanish is funny. I'm funny. I don't mean in the ha-ha funny way, in the I can't figure it out for the life of me funny. Can it be that hard? When your dealing with a schedule like mine it can be. When your used to being able to wrap your mind around a concept it can be. When you can't, for the life of you, find any way to become motivated to do the necessary work it can be. This isn't high school. This is college. I feel like I'm letting the prof down. I feel like I'm letting my classmates down. I also feel like I'm letting myself down, not only me now, but my future. So much of my future hinges on me being able to learn the concepts of a language so foreign and I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to be able to relax, but everything has become a trap to me.

I want time. I want to be able to go into the forest when I feel like it. I want to be able to do things when I feel I can. I don't want my bedroom to feel like a trap where I spend my unconscious time. I don't want my car to feel like my escape from a situation I don't want to be in. But a trap in itself, because no matter how far I'd like to run I'm still stuck inside my own head. I desparately want something to grasp onto. Something to distract me from the stark reality that is slowly beginning to reveal itself to me. I want life to be something other than what it is turning into. Why can't I live that life? Where did that change? When did I lose my idealism? Where did my innoncence go? How will my sense of justice be restored?

Really I want to fall on my face before God and ask Him what to do. But I don't know how to do that right now. I need prayer, I need fellowship, I need Him now more than ever. All I do is tell Him that, but it was very obvious this weekend that the desire is not there on my part. The call to desire that was given seems unattainable for me. Now, I don't know what to do.

We all struggle. I just don't seem much of a way back to contentment right now. It's been a bad stretch, and I don't know how much strength I have to renew myself again. But it will pass, and when it does, I will be grateful.

Slowly assailing the stairs, my fatigued limbs give out and I realize I am not the same person I once was
So, long time no talk. Umm, anything to say, yes.

School has started. It has been a rather unique experience. SPA 101 I think is going to kick my ass. Foregin language, yeah. All my other classes are fairly predictable routine that I am very used to. PSY 325 (Ed Psych.) is a interactive video class, but that doesn't make it much different except for the fact that I have sit there for three hours like a vegetable absorbing info because there is not enough bandwith on the sound system to really deal with too much prof student interaction. So that's school in a nutshell for you. Which, in the scope of what has been happening over the past few weeks does not really compare to everything else that has been going on in my life.

Fatigue my friends, sleep depravation. Majorly. Most of you probably did not know this, but I finally quit Wendy's. Yes, I did. After 2.5 years, stretching all the way from high school into this somewhat sophisticated adulthood, I quit. Of course I would like to say that I did it out of some sort of principal, or left for a better job, but it wasn't. I didn't know that at the time, but I do now. No, I left to take a 3rd shift job at BP. Butt Plug of all places. Well after the first two weeks I decided that that was not the way to go for me. Fortunately, my lovely friends at my prior job refused to take me out of the computer system. They all said I would be back, and now I am. After the whole fiasco up in BR when Kim and I and Nita all had to go up there because they lost major crew and then Paul got fired, it left us short in Mgmnt because Nita got bumped up to DM. So that meant Dee got bumped to GM, which meant that Sharon was going to stay as our Asst. istead of transfering up to Cadillac. Well, a week later Sharon quit. Yipee. Seriously, the week I left, they hired like eight people. They weren't all to replace me, but a couple of them probably were. So, now Wendy's is looking for a new manager. Enter a person with 2.5 years of experience, not only at Wendy's, but at that specific store, Me. So I talked to Nita on Monday and I was approved for my promotion. Now I am a shift manager. Yeah me. Finally, I almost have something to show for my life. I haven't started yet because I'm still working out my hours at BP, but yeah, I'll be there soon. Boy is this going to blow the theory out of the water that you can't work a full time management position and go to school at the same time (sorry I'm just a little started now).

So now I have a decision to make. If the Whitecaps win tonight or Friday, I need to decide if I should go the last Whitecaps home game on Satrday night, or should I go to my first game of kickball. This is going to be a tough decision, I'll have to think about it.

Growing up
I'm not sure if any of you realize this, but the tenor and tone of your journals has all changed. Well, at least those of you on my friends list. No longer is it about the depressing rigors of high school, but the pain and hope of life. There are so many things I want to say to each of you. But I find it hard because some of you are going places and doing things that I haven't yet. A few of you understand the responsiblity I feel for many of you. Almost a guide, but also a friend. Life goes on to all of you. Many of you are taking big steps, some small, but all individual. Now, more than anytime since I graduated high school do I feel like the things that once were are falling apart and everyone is going their separate ways. Of course, now you will all begin the true significance of Woohu. Beyond being a place to gather and share things form high school, it is now our line of communication back to those people who were once entrenched in our lives.