When one little kiss means so much; maybe it shouldn't
I know that I didn't forget. And despite my in experience in the subject, unless someone was lying to me, I know enough to not be too terribly bad.

Life
Well things have taken a definite turn.

I really hate it when people worry about me. Or rather agonize over situations involving me and my reaction. Irrational fear is the pygmy of the world. Don't ask me where that came from, but it did.

She wants to please people so bad that she's forgotten about herself.
Her sense of life has been all but drained
Because her life is not hers.

I can say that now. Things are problems but not that bad.

This was supposed to be a happy post and it is. I can't stop smiling now and for the first time in a few weeks I'm back to be me. I just have to remember to be me and become so introverted and self-loathing that things don't get discussed. Because this time we have talked, and believe it or not it is a big step for us. Together again, we have set out to make sure that the mistake of miscommunication, or rather lack of communication has been rectified. Truth be told is the motto of the day. I'm glad because I very rarely would have it any other way. God Bless you all and please help me with my spelling.

Tonight
Tonight was much better. Later when you were on the phone I had to remind myself that, no, we will not be together. But other than that everything was fine. Whether I think that a lot of our relationship now is completely superficial has no bearing on what we are and that is friends. Wow. Could this be any more grammitically in correct?

Connie. READ MY JOURNAL. It holds wisdom. It also holds all my depressing thoughts that I want you to know about.

I saw you tonight Andy. You went flying by, and managed to slow down a little at the blinking light.

Today was better. I'm glad I have people at work like Keith and Dale to talk to so I don't drive myself completely insane.

Well this is getting really pathetic
I don't think I've updated this much since I was in high school.

The more and more I think about it the more it becomes true. Somt of those people who I know who profess faith really do not feel it. I have to admit, I was. I didn't have some great revelation where all the sudden everything was clear and I could feel God's love, but I do know it's there. That's what I really wonder about sometime. Do you really feel it? Do you know it's there? It's almost to the point where it's infathomable to me to not know. Or how to live without it.

I'm playing at Festival in GR this weekend. Hopefully everything works out well. Last time I was up on stage, my stage presence was next to nothing. I was so focused on not screwing up that I didn't enjoy myself. Now I know I will. There are just some things that you have to keep focused on, then tere are other times where you just have to constantly do until you feel comfortable doing them. I think being on stage is one of those. Of course probably sex is as well.

I'm looking two ways at this summer. I think it's giong to be a great summer and I will learn alot about myself. Life never stays the same and I think it's time for me to move on with certain things. I think my job has got me to a certain point where there is nothing that could possibly change my mind on leaving. I've been there for two and a half years and everyday I hate going there. Not just because of what the job is. There are times where I actually enjoy my job. The only thing that keeps it interesting anymore is the people I work with, but not even that. Now I'm getting to the point where I feel like a relic. When we hired people this spring they seemed to have some semblence of respect for people who had been there longer, but this new group does not. There's also nothing new for me to learn. It's a duality that has always made me mad. I know enough to be a manager, but a retarded person could get hired and still have exactly the same status as I do on paper. When they don't need a good person because other good people are working, they treat you like crap, just to put you into your place. Just to remind you that you could be replaced at a moments notice. I don't know. I am very convinced that this time I really am burnt out.

Good advice that I heard once at the end of the song, but it strikes good for everything in life, and that is "end on the hopeful note" so I will do that.

I am okay with being alone. Tomorrow is another day. Hell, two years without piqueing a girls interest, then I find out about two in one day. For the last month, nothing can get better than that, until the next best thing comes along.

Life is like a box of chocolate, you always know your going to get chocolate
Thank you to the two of you here that seemed to either understand that yesterday was my birthday, or remembered it. I spent so much time talking about it in the last few weeks that I really thought she might call yesterday, but she didn't.

All I have to do is change my expectations. All of the sudden I have to change what I was expected. Now I'm disappointed that I'm not coming back to someone. I wasn't before, but now it's weird. It's about changing expectations. Now to know that there is not much to look forward to until August.......

In times like these I guess that there is only one thing to do and that is to look inward. Look on the inside and figure out how to improve me. How to improve who I am, what I think, what my mental state is, what my physical nature is. It is now time to improve me.

Which led me to take a walk last night. Just two miles, to the end of my road and back. While I figured I would get some exercise I did not realize what an enjoyable, nature realted and spiritual journey it would be. To most people a walk is a walk and they would not have noticed the things that I did, or maybe they would. They may, however, not have an appreciation for it. Total animals sighted comes to seven deer, five rabbits, two woodchucks, and a squirrel. The funny thing is that when I was coming back I was praying. I was asking God why I didn't feel His embrace. I feel His love constantly, but not his embrace. Then I looked down the road, and there was the first deer.

Some little yappy dog tried to attack me too. I yelled at it, and I was not scared in the slightest because with one kick I was fairly confident I could dispose of it.

Birthday
Well everyone, I have now hit one more transition into adulthood. I am no longer a teenager, a fact that I have been dreading for weeks.

Twenty Years old is nothing special really. It just changes your frame of mind. Mostly because you can't use the excuse that you are just a dumb teenager anymore (despite the fact that I don't think I ever was). I just have to remember to contemplate the next year, and reflect on the previous, and not try to focus on an entire decade of my life. I can't say that it's amazing that I have made it to this point in my life. I have never been in a dangerous situation where my life was in peril. I still have not mastered the English language. I mean I write decent, but all the rest is just a mystery.

I've spent approximately one year of that decade in a relationship with a girl. Seems odd that when for 7.5 years of such a decade one spends absolutely enthralled by the opposite sex, wasting time and energy, that very little has come out of it.

That time has been one of other incredible growth though. In faith, intellect, and sheer personality. Well, truly most of that has come in the last five years, much of it in the last two, but it's a process.

I'd like to thank all of you who were out there for that crucial time in my life. Everything that you have contributed to who I am. Everyday should be a learning experience, and while I've always been very thick headed about learning lessons from others you all have taught me a great deal. For those of you who are about to effect my life in ways I have never dreamed of, be tolerant with me. I am a little slow and a lot stubborn. Be honest wiht me and realize that we all only get a chance to live life once, and I want the most out of it.

When one little kiss means so little; the absence is a portend of things to come
So I successfully accomplished my goal. I collapsed in my bed and cried myself to sleep. Unfortunately I wake up this morning expecting myself to feel a little better, but I'm still almost as pissed off as I have been for the past five days now.

I find myself getting pissed for a myriad of reasons. Some have to do with her, some with others, and some with myself. Although, not normal for me, I really don't feel that down on myself. I mean there's always the obligatory, "What could I have done better?" But I'm not sure that that really applies in this situation. I should have been more aggressive. Perhaps, I don't know. Again, I lose because I can't relax and have fun. Story of my life huh? Why I can't do that is beyond me. In certain situations I can, but other times I can't and it really bugs me. Something to work on I guess. I need to work on partying.

I've already said his name, so what the hell. Darren really pissed me off because of what was going on. It was very obvious to everyone that he liked her. It's very obvious she liked him. I don't have a problem with that, except for the fact he's a loser, he was all over her when we were still together, and she did nothing, absolutely nothing to stop it. I just wished she hadn't wasted this last week by not talking to me.

I guess that's what I'm really the most pissed about. I had to wait almost a week for her to figure out what she was going to say to me when I knew what was coming. Almost a whole week of being so tired and pissed that I couldn't see straight.

Usually when people go through something like this they swear off the opposite sex. Well I'm not. I think each situation is unique in it's own way. It's taken me a while to come to that conclusion. Sure I'm being pissed now and depressed, but unlike other times in my life I know it's all going to be okay. Eventually it will be okay. Nevermind that I've liked her for almost 6 months and something I'd been hoping for almost came true. There's go to be another meaning behind all of this and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it escape me this time.

Last time, it took me almost two year to recover. Even now, I'm not completely. Not to say I'd be back together again, but it took me awhile and I think there will always be a place there for you. In some ways, and it is hard for even me to believe, she's more screwed up than you are/were. Not as an insult or anything.

So I leave you now with a song title from Gilbert O'Sullivan "Alone Again, Naturally."

Four days of this; Now I feel better
Life just sucks sometimes.

I'm alone again. Long story short, well neither really. It is a nor a long or short story. No story really. I suppose there will be one over the next few days as I try to hash out my emotions here, but eventually it should all get told.

I have to apologize to Connie first. Dear, I'm sorry. I made the wrong decision. While I didn't see what I saw with her, I'm sorry it happened the way it did. Hindsight is 20/20. Do I regret it? Not really, but I'm sorry how I handled the situation.

I'm very tired and very pissed. I got so pissed over the past four days that I forgot why I was pissed. I remembered that I was, and who at, just not why. Then I thought, oh good, I don't remember, maybe everything will be okay. Nope. Walked in tonight and it was the same old shit. Oh well, fuck it. I swear, if Darren hadn't been drunk I so would have hit him tonight. He's a nice guy, but he was messing around with her before we talked. That is fucked up, you don't mess with that. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm going to go ball my eyes out now and sleep. Two things that I've felt like doing for days. Have a nice night.

You never know when you could explode
I just feel like do something. Anything to relieve this anger I feel. It's just anger, pure anger and I do not know what causes it. I'm pissed because I can't get a hold of KIM and I really wanted to spend time with her tonight. Then I'm pissed that the thoughts keep creeping in. It makes me angry and I know if I were to give into it I would scare myself. If I could only do something.

Yesterday
I was grumpy yesterday, and I am today. For many reasons, none of them too important.

Things at work aren't going the way I'd like. I need a new job, but I just feel incapable of getting to a better one.

I've wanted to get the grass cut up at the lake, but the stupid rain. I didn't get to it until Monday this week, and then again today. I sat around all day yesterday waiting for it to dry out.

I wrote an article for the Post about the softball sweep of EGR Wednesday. We're doing good this season. I'm still mad about the rain. We were supposed to play Lowell last Friday, but had to rescedule for today, then cancel and reschedule for Monday. We're 17-10. All I know is that I'm going to cry when this season ends because it's been such a good one.

Things in a ceratin part of my life are going well. Well as I could guess they should be. She's hard to read, and with my pension for making a mountain out of a mole hill, things can get dicey. I can't help but wonder sometimes if previous relationships have irreversibly damaged me. Well, no, I can't help but wonder and worry anyways. Calm down, breathe. Everything will be okay. Breathe. Romance may not be my ticket, but who knows what the future holds.

Falling
This is getting almost riduculous. You can all call me crodgy and horrible but I hate falling for someone. I hate seeing people who are in love and I hate doing it myself. Things just get weird, and you do stupid things. And you begin to worry about stupid stuff, like what if she reads this?

What I really mean is, is that it's great. Being stupid is great. No, that's not what I'm saying.

As much of a hopeless romantic that I tend to be I always find the act of falling for someone quite distasteful. I mean, nothing should have the power to pull you out of a bad mood instantly. It's getting almost comical for me though.

She wasn't even there today. Physically, she was not even close to me, but she was still able to brighten my day. It sucks! I like being in a bad mood. All I had to do was see her name when I put chili's on the stove today, and it was like an instantaneous smile. I swear, if someone had been with me in the cooler when I saw thos today they would have thought I was absolutely going insane. Well, they think that anyway, not much I can do about that I guess. It's just ridiculous. I wish there were a way just to skip this part of it all and get into the steady type.

Not to say I'm totally lost yet. I know I'm falling for her. While I'm not quite sure why I hate it so much, I don't think I would prefer something else. Whether I keep falling is another question. I haven't quite hit the point where I feel like I could say that too her, but if this keeps up then, it's going to happen.

Really Really Really tired
It just keeps getting better. Six straight nights we've spent time together and I didn't think that was possible. Going for seven tonight and then we'll end our streak on Saturday, guaranteed. No body wants to know what's been going on. Well, I think the only one that does is Connie. Last Saturday night was odd. Of course, the last week has been odd in itself.

For all of you who are out there wondering, which probably isn't many of you, we're taking this slow. I don't want to mess anything up. I've learned my lesson. Take things slow and it reduces the chance of making a mistake. And I really don't want to mess this up.

And I think really what is making me tired is the fact that I am not sure when I'm going to sleep again. I know I definitely will after I get out of work Saturday night (Sunday morning) but in between now and that time I have no idea. This could get slightly interesting. You all think I'm strange now, wait until I don't sleep. Of course then again, I may be fine. Who knows?

This sucks
I've been wanting this for so long, and now that it finally has happened it's really messing with my head. All day yesterday I kept thinking, no, I kept worrying. I was so scared. What if I screw this up? I really put a lot of pressure on myself. But then I saw her last night and that all went away. That's what led me to what I was saying to Jeanne:
You can't change the past because it has already happened. You can't change the future because it hasn't happened yet. You can only do something about the present and that is all that matters.

On the other hand, I do have to say how much last night made me realize how great my parents are. For trusting me, for not treating me like shit.How good they were to raise me when I was young to be the person I am today so they can trust me and not have to treat me like shit. Mom and Dad, I love you.