Crush
Today you crushed me
Without even knowing it
Setting me free
Knowing that it would never fit

I somehow turned a 6.5 hour shift today into a 10 hour shift. Of course that entailed my driving to Big Rapids. What better to get paid for than to drive because someone was too stupid to order enough of something.

I just bought this CD today. I think it's awesome. After what happened, if you couldn't tell, I needed to some anger relief. What better way to do it than to embrace the lyrics of Metallica on their new Album St. Anger? But it in stores today. No, really, I got it at Rite Aid. Except for the fact that all the f***'s and sh**'s are bleeped out, guess it isn't too bad. OF course I could never stand something like, oh, Everlast being edited. Mostly because he puts the best vocal harmonies on the words they would choose to edit out. Like in "What It's Like" if you've ever heard the unedited version, the word whore in the verse "she gets some static walkin' through the door, they call her a sinner, they call her a whore." There is an awesome vocal harmony on that word.

I feel like there will come a day when I need to confront myself and be honest about my life. I guess we all make choices and I have made mine, but it does feel isolated sometimes.

I especially like this new Metallica album because of the title track, St. Anger. He repeats the verse "I'm madly in anger with you." I completely understand that. I've been in anger with someone before. It's deeper than love. It is so far gone from love, and twisted. It's almost evil, evil love. Love that doesn't deserve to exist, and yet it holds on more than love itself.

I didn't realize that it would affect me quite this much. I honestly thought that there might be something there. I never even considered, even though I should have. She mentioned him, and it's a weight of a thousand pounds of feathers. Or a ball of wax that I was trying so hard to shape as it dripped down onto the roof of the cavern. Knowing full well that I couldn't control exactly where every bead of melting wax went, but confident that I could fashion it a way to my advantage. And with those two little words, is it one, or is it hyphenated? I'm not sure. This beautiful mold that I worked so hard for. I labored in my mind for hours upon end. Just trying to orchestrate everything just right. Trying to make that figure something her and I could both enjoy. Then with that one little phrase, it was released from it's hanging point. That one solitary grip that it had, that kept the despair from me, it let go. All I could do is watch it. Watch it fall to the floor of the cave, and shatter in a million pieces.

Crushed.
I guess I am crushed. Crushed by the weight of it. Do you know what I am talking about? Do any of you understand the longing? It's so unhealthy, and I know shouldn't be fixating on it. You all can see it too. You all can see how I do this. It does take some time for this to develop. I guess it's been about a year. It's been a year since I let myself be crushed. Is it time again? Is it time for me to venture out there, see if there is a chance, then get rejected and come back here for another year. Of course there may be nothing there. It may just be cordiality. I show respect, and get it in return. That may be all that it is. Somebody thought that it was true though. And I keep living in the fantasy. I guess, I do this more than I would like to admit, but it doesn't go beyond me very much. The first time it did, I didn't have a choice. And that still lingers with me to this day. That's why I went to see that soccer game this fall, because I still feel it. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. The only time anyhting ever worked out, if you can call it working out, this obsession wasn't there. It either wasn't there or it was completely different. What am I to do? Fret, fret, fret. By not exposing myself I only make it worse. I only make this feeling inside me grow until I just want to cry out my desires. I want the tears of frustration come for letting my heart do this to me. But exposing it makes it just as dangerous. So equally dangerous, but at least I should be able to move on. I should, if it really is a fantasy, just develop a hatred for the situation, and let it drift from my mind. I guess that is my problem. I can't think those thoughts about that person right away, and the hatred builds, unconfessed, and I distance myself. Which ends up hurting them. It is better if it stays within.

One of Many
For my whole life I have been one of many. In high school I was one of whatever number were in my class. I was one of three tubas, one of three class representatives. I was one of X number of kids in band. Now I am one of 450 history majors at my school. One of 20,000 students. I guess all I really am is one of a larger and larger sub set. It's really depressing to think about it that way.

But through all that I was always one of one. I guess that is what I miss right now in my life. I am not one of anything. I was one of softball assistant. I was one of someone that loved. I was one of someone who was loved. That was nice. I think that may be the only way to get that back. To get back my uniqueness.

You learn so much over so much time, but in history, people have common reactions. Each of us is part of what is happening right now, but we are part of a larger trend. In the future, we will only be one of someone in a trend, none of it really matters unless none of us exist, then there are no trends.

Supple
Supple everything. Supple is like gizmo. O Shintz. Beautiful.

Well, I got my paper written, it's utter crap. I'm so afraid for my tutorial with my professor because he is going to rip me to pieces. I can't believe that I was actually able to put together five pages of BS with notes and everything. I remember at the beginning of the semester I couldn't barely BS three pages. At least I learned a new skill.

I guess I've fallen into the college student doldrums. This semester has not had anything terribly stimulating that makes me want to stand up and SHOUT! C'MON NOW! SHOUT! I digress. Not like last year when I had my liberal arts class and philosophy. I guess I could try to connect it all, but that would be too hard. Next semester does not seem to hold too much promise either. At least after next semester I'll be one class away from being done with my minor.

It sucks that our football team has to play in Texas. I guess Mark and some guys were thinking of going on a road trip if they make it past that. It would be nice to go to another national championship game as a fan, and actually get to see the game and not have to sit in nose bleed seats, sprint down the bleachers with a sousaphone on, only to have to sprint back up them, and see the opposing team tie the stinking game. Does that still bother me? Yeah, a little.

So I got to train at work yesterday. Some whiny 29 year old single mom. Why do we always get the winners? First thing she says to me, go slow because I was in a car accident and I have a slight concussion. I think she thinks I hate her. Of course, everyone at work knows that I am a complete jackass most of the time. Right Connie (well except to the girls I like ;) )?

I've decided to take my weeks' vacation, yes, that's right after 22 months of working in that place I finally get paid vacation, the week after Easter. Mostly because that is also right before the week of exams for winter semester. That, and I don't want to take it during the summer because I probably won't be working there anymore and I don't want to have worked there for 2+ years and not gotten any benefits, save raises, at all.

Am I complaining about work too much? Oh well. Hey and Jones. Hey Jones. Haigh and Jones. The English Reformation(s). Great, paper sucks.

Props out to Liz for making our presentation much better. That was awesome, considering I typed the damn thing up in like 45 minutes last night when I was dead tired and mad because she hadn't gotten online yet. I figure we'll get full credit because Judy is such a good grader ;).

I've got a Pilgirm lesson plan coming up in my Diversity class. Yeah, our "brother" Melvin is doing the PowerPoint. Tammie doesn't think we should trust him to do it, especially since Natalie is going to be involved. I trust them. Natalie did some good work on the Recess presentation, they just can't see it because they're too busy being bitchy. Say that three times fast: Busy Being Bitchy!

Everytime I think I am getting lonely again, I just have to remember to stay strong. Perhaps it's a general trend that I think that girls are more friendly too me when those feelings of loneliness come back. It's like they have to flirt with the guy that they know they don't want, but just want to toture him because he's lonely. Of course if I wasn't such a pansy, then I would take control, flirt back and see if there was some real interest there. But we all know why I can't do that.

I fell like my History class has caused me to view the world like the Giver. That was a great book. It's one of those that I am really glad that they made us read in school. It's a great transition story, even if it is kind of out of this world and science fiction. Actually, now that I think about it, The Giver was anti-communist propaganda. The society that the boy lived in was completely socialist. There were women who were breeders, and others who were assigned children. Sounds like something Hillary Clinton would enjoy since it does take a village to raise a village idiot. No, but then people were assigned careers by the government. Their sexual desires were supressed by the government. Everyone was absolutely uniform. But then the boy steals the little baby, and as he travels farther away, things become more like it is in America. Clear, crisp, snowy, with a mother at home. The American ideal, an idyllic picture.

"Sunshine was he
In the winter day;
And in the midsummer
Coolness and shade."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hot, steamy groping sex
why?

More stats
As of my last post 107 posts, with the last post being on 11-07-03. Wierd huh?

It's been a journey. This last week has been fun. For all of you who have been yelling at me for talking on your journals, I wouldn't have done if I wasn't in a good mood. For you who are geting pissy about it, get over it. Lifes to short to worry about stuff like that. Is it hypocritical? Yes, but I don't care.

Anyways, got to see Ted Nugent Wednesday night. It was awesome. I was watching "Surviving Nugent" today, and I couldn't believe the idiots. (Music has just changed to "Mary Jane's Last Dance- Tom Petty") I guess I'm just priveleged being a Michigan boy with a little common sense. The man offerred the girl food and she said no, because it comprised her beliefs. Unfortunately, we know and she knows, that they won't let her starve. Otherwise, she would not compromise herself straight out of existence.

Last night we had some basketball players from FHN come into work. Little bitchy stuck up snobs. Ashley wanted to kick their asses because they were saying stuff about us. Sure, we work in fastfood, but c'mon. We do make your food, they could at least respect us for that, the little brats. That's about the time that I start singing "Thank God I'm a Country Boy." Well, except for the fact that I am not.

I just cannot get over (Song change: "Do You Feel the Way I Do- Peter Frampton") those people. I know there are a lot of people from California who have their heads screwed on straight, but most of them are just urban nuts. They don't understand anything. I bet 65% of the people in California have never even seen a farm. No wonder America is going down the drain.

Stats
Well, I've been doing my usual random journal commenting again. Between that and my propensity to have conversations through comment sections, I have amassed nearly 450 comments given out. Now I know this might be trivial, and being like user 200 something I've had a lot of time to produce so many comments, but I think it is significant. I will have a special prize for comment #500.

Fart
Well. Everyone seems to think it was about suicide. One little sentence, that's what everyone focuses on. It was bound to be misunderstood. It was even misunderstood by someone I was talking to that night, so go figure. Enough about that.

I'm back, all better now, back to my normal self. Well kind of.

The depression can only last for so long with me, and then it's gone again. I swore though, that that night I was going to grind my teeth into oblivion.

So many people. I was thinking about this kid in my Art class a few weeks ago. He said he was from Sparta and his name is Barry. Well when I was, oh, 7,8,9 or something, I met one of Nick Brott's friends named Barry, and he lived over by Lime Lake, which is in the Sparta school district. Well I thought there could be a connection, made a mental note of it. Well, I never remembered to ask Barry if he was Nick's friend. Of course Barry and I met on the first day of classes this semester because it was his first time to the downtown campus and he seemed a little scared. Fortunately we were both going the same place and i got to show him where to go. Fast forward to tonight.
I stop at Taco Bell for dinner (softball seasons coming up and I need to be ready for it when Reed goes there because their food has never set very well with me, I'm not feeling well now). Barry's at the counter with a girl who I later learn is his ex-girlfriend. Anyways, they get their food and sit down and I get my food and sit on the other side of the dining room. It's a small dining room, max 20 people. So he comes over and asks me if I would like to join them. I was slightly embarassed, but he insisted, so I did. Well we started talking about pizza places. He said that he went to school with the sons of Mr. Stein or whatever, at Our Lady of Consulation. That automatically stirred the memort I had because that is where Nick went. So my mental note was called back into action and I completely stunned the kid. He didn't remember that we had met, but I did. We started talking about Nick and it completely blew his mind. He tried to remember me for like 10 minutes and couldn't. It's a small world after all.