:: 2005 23 November :: 3.06 pm
:: Music: The theme from "Rent"

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 22 November :: 12.59 am

I don't usually do quizes, but this one interested me. I'm not sure if all that can be determined from a few questions, or if I even agree with their scale.

You fit in with: Taoism Your ideals mostly resemble those of the Taoist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life. 40% spiritual. 20% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 17 November :: 5.02 pm

So I'm not going to bore you all by posting the gigantic paper that I just finished writing. It feels so good, it really does. To have something that large and unwieldly out of the way is just a great relief. I am majorly looking forward to this weekend. Nothing to do but work and spend time with Mica.

If any of you want me to post my 15.5 page paper, with 2 pages of endnotes, just let me know and I would be more than willing to torture you all.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 4 November :: 9.12 pm

This is a letter that I just sent to one of my Latin American history profs. Read it and see if you agree with my assessment, or just read it and learn about something you didn't know about.




Professor Aragon,

I have been monitoring today's events and I cannot help but feel that this may be a watershed event for US-Latin American relations.

The Summit of the Americas has stirred up so much controversy both in Latin America and here. On some of the talk shows on cable news the hosts wee asking so-called experts (which were mostly former defense department or administration officials) why the protesters were protesting. They asked if it was just because they don't like President Bush, or if they really had that big of a problem with Iraq. It seemed kind of strange because it suggested that those were the only two reasons that people would protest against the US.

What really got to me was a reairing of an address that Hugo Chavez gave at the protest rally. While steeped in blatantly socialist rhetoric (the downfall of capitalism and whatnot), he might have been making sense. He talked about an alternative to the American led trade agreements (FTAA I think was what he was talking about). He wanted to form something called ALBA (the Bolivarian Alternative for the Peoples of Latin America). He said that this was losely based on the agreement that Venezuela already had with Cuba. He called it an alliance in the political, social and economic realms. His outline seemed quite convincing. He talked about Venezuela's generosity with oil. Such as new agreements that they have with Argentina and Uruguay to provide oil to them at a 40% discount, a three year grace period on payment with a 25 year payment period at 1% interest. Another thing that seemed to be a revision on American led programs was that he advocated for payment in the form of goods and services. Instead of paying with money, he said, Argentina could pay with pregnant heifers.

No matter what he actually says he seems to be pushing all the right buttons. He mentioned just about everything that would seem important in Latin American politics today. He talked about religion and his strong belief in Christianity. He spoke of most of the great independence leaders of Latin America (Bolivar, San Martin, O'Higgins, de Miranda, Marti, even Eva Peron). And about native peoples (and the working class, but that is also par for the course for socialism). I know that he is trying to orchestrate a very real alternative to the US role in the region. It is also of no doubt that he sees Venezuela, and himself as the leader of that movement. It just seems like it may be very well possible. Or am I just wrong? I would appreciate your insight on this issue.

Your student,

Charlie Campbell

3 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 3 November :: 3.37 pm

Also I was thinking that today would be a very good day just to sit on your trunk and drink a beer.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 3 November :: 2.42 pm

So, Part Deux I guess. Not really a continuation. Sort of a middle ground, unrealted to that of the first, although it has the same inspiration, and perhaps the same heartbeat in terms of rapidity of thinking and writing.

Today is an absolutely beautiful day. As I was driving (I do a lot of thinking while I'm driving) I was considering different things about my life and how good things are now compared to how bad they were and I still felt that little tinge of depression lingering. But then after my adrenaline experience, I feel much better, much more alive. I feel like today is such a beautiful day. Such a rarity in life. A 70 degree day at the beginning of November. I can smell fall, much more than i could before. And the sunshine was intense, not intense as in sunburn intense, but as in warm enveloping intense.

So with that in mind, my exam completed and me feeling pretty damned good about it, I strolled. Granted the walk is not long. A few minutes at most a regular pace. But I may have stretched it into 5 or 7 minutes, maybe even ten. If that's one thing that Mica has noticed about me is that my pace changes according to my mood and not always in the same ways each time. While I was strolling I had some of the most curious thoughts. Race for one thing. Such as "If February is Black History Month, does that mean that March-January are White History Months?" That sprang up from a thought I had about perhaps celebrating my whiteness. African-Americans celebrate their ancestry in the way of Kwanza, and they celebrate their physical skills at things like basketball and thuggery (not an insult, but what is gangsta rap really?). Why shouldn't I be able to celebrate my heritage and attributes as a white person? I want Christmas back in the schools. Or I want my quiet demeanor and intellect celebrated. I would prefer it. I know it all sounds extremely racist, and on the surface it is. It's not about me having personally held beliefs in these things, but damnit I want the system to be fair. Something on Scarborough Country last night (now in general I like the guy, but I think he's been high jacked by his producers into putting crap like the missing persons stories on, I'd much rather hear his political analysis since he is a former Congressman) piqued my interest. Something about the ACLU sueing over a group of Catholic students praying at a high school. That doesn't suprise me, although the American Civil LIBERTIES Union should be standing up for the rights protected in the Constitution, not trying to tear them away. What got me was that Joe said that if it were a group of Muslim students offerring up a prayer that the ACLU would be there to protect them and that no one would sue over that. The more I thought about, the truer that thought became. It also occurred to me last night that since when did people of color become the "minority in the world." Most definitely in the United States, each separate group, African-Americans, Hispanics, Arab-Americans, Chinese-Americans, and Japanese-Americans, are all a minority to Caucasians in this country. However, are people of color really a minority? In the world they certainly are not. Only in the west? Not so much anymore. Come to think of it, France is having a problem with it's immigrant community right now as a matter of fact (check it out, civil uprising in a western country, doesn't happen often).

But I have to get back to the lovely story of walking in the warm embrace of the sunlight. Then I noticed that people were looking differently at me. Not the way they usually look at me. Like I had bright blue paint all over me. But I didn't. I am wearing khakis today. Not a traditional move for me, since I am more of a jeans guy (you could say that, I think this is the first time I've worn anything but jeans to class ever). Was it that people were looking at me differently just because of the pants I was wearing? I mean I could understand it if these were people I knew and that were used to me dressing in certain ways, but they weren't. Maybe I just had a different attitude about myself, being dressed a little better, today and I have a big ego and thought that more people were looking at me. Either that or I was kidnapped last night, woke up before they had completely recreated my living environment, that's why the power was off so everything didn't have to be detailed because it would be dimly lit. Then Everyone I've encountered so far today is just an alien stand-in testing me for my reactions to certain stimuli. And they are all looking at me because they are observing me. I also have other evidence that I won't mention here to support this. It is however, extremely unlikely.

4 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 3 November :: 2.13 pm

A lot of things on my mind and I'm not sure I'm going to cover them all because I may forget. So this may be a little disjointed as I figure out in my head exactly what I want to talk about.

What's got me like this? Nothing like a little adrenaline baby. So, I haven't gone to my social science research methods class since our last exam. Mostly out of arrogance, but also out of the fact that I just don't like it and I have better things to do with my time. So I went today because today was the second exam. Yeah, not so good to skip ALL the classes between two exams, but I did. So yesterday I started studying for it. Mind you now, I haven't been to class for almost four weeks, so I have had no exposure to this material. There was one point in time that I actually did feel bad about not going and read a little in the book (more out of curiosity than real concern). So, no class and little reading is not the combination that you want to have when going into an exam. So last night I ended up falling asleep sometime after eleven. I did get some studying done, but not a whole lot (although I did start reading the book that I have to have done for my Modern China class next week). Let's face it, I'm a procrastinator. I will do everything but what I'm suppossed to do until right before I have to do it. Flash ahead. 6:30am this morning. Mom wakes me up. We have no power, power completely out. So I lay there until she leaves and then Mister Bright Idea me figures it out. Last night I started to write my notes for the exam on my computer. Mind you now, my laptop has an extremely low battery life because the battery is four years old and has been recharged too many times. So that was completely out of the question. Usually if I can't use my laptop I end up getting online with it, putting my stuff on BB and then reaccessing with my home computer. But since we had no power, couldn't do that either. So here comes the bright idea part: I decided to go to work. Okay, doesn't seem like a viable option for most of you, but it was for me. I went to work where I was able to plug in my laptop, listen to music (stereo in the dining room), and be in relative peace because the store was not yet open and everyone works in the back room until then. So yes, smart me goes to work and studies for almost two hours. Then I figure, "Hey, I'm in town and I'm going to the bank, maybe I should stop by Mica's house and wake her up." Well that plan utterly failed as soon as I turned onto 17 Mile and I saw her going the option direction in her car (honey why you do that to me?). So then blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to me getting ready to leave my house. The power came back on while I was gone so I did have access to my printer now. This is especially important because I have no exporting capabilities on my laptop except printing and uploading to another computer directly or the internet. So I go to print my stuff right when I have to leave (procrastinator), but then I remember that my printer is either out of ink or the cartridge is dried up because I don't use it enough. So I have to be quick like a bunny. The plan was to leave an hour before i had to be there so I had about 15 minutes or so to study before the class started. So I couldn't print my notes. I wasn't going to bring my laptop with me because it would have just been impractical. This is followed by panic because traditionally my laptop does not like to connect to the internet easily. It always needs a little coaxing and takes awhile to connect. Well, I figure, I've got enough time. It's the middle of the day, traffic won't be so bad, I can make it there in 35 minutes. No problem. Of course, I did have problems connecting, eventually got it transfered to the other computer and printed. So I embark for school. I get behind this guy on White Creek that must have seen a 3 for the 5 on the 50mph sign. It's really annoying because when you are going south there is only one spot to pass, and it's very short. Get on the highway. there is a sign at Post that usually says something about construction ahead, or something like that. Instead, today it says "Speed Limit 45mph, Trucks 20mph." I'm thinking "Great, traffic is goign to suck." Well I drive and nothing is getting bad, until I get just past West River. It seems they closed the left lane right before the ramp I need to get off of. So everyone is trying to get into the right lane. At this point, I'm sitting stopped on the expressway, 3/4 of a mile from my off ramp (aka freedom) with twenty mintues to get to my class. So I'm thinking, "Great, going to be late to the exam for the class I haven't been to in four weeks." Well, I find a parking spot (not any easy thing to do, maybe another entry), and truck it across campus. I get to the building I'm going to, and I had grabbed a dollar out of my wallet while I was walking. I needed water because I was already cottonmouthed before I basically power walked across campus, now I was even worse. It must have been a sight. I was holding my typed notes in one hand and my dollar in the other, trudging in a hooded sweatshirt and khaki's across campus on a 70 degree November day. I get to the hall and the stinking vending machines won't take my dollar. Oh well, can't waste time on these things, already five minutes late for the exam. So I walk in and get the exam, everyone is already taking the test so I don't have to worry about those weird "where have you been" questions from my classmates. So I take it and sit down. Honestly I think the professor was downright suprised to see me. I went tright ot work on it. No use in letting that momentum from chugging it float off into nowhere by getting settled in. I went right to work. Before I knew it, I had answered the entire first page with no problem. Frankly I think that that was a bigger suprise to her than me showing up. Because the seat I got was right there in front of her and she could very well have watched my progress if she had wanted to. So that leaves me here, some thirty minutes past when I started this and I am still tense, although not banging things out quite as quickly as I was when I first started. Okay, everything else I wanted to say needs to be broken off into a separate entry because this one it just plain too long.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 28 October :: 6.07 pm

Following a discussion I had at work the other day about old Nickelodeon shows, I went back to do some research. I think they really need to go back and dig out the reel-to-reel of some of the old episodes. There is an entire under culture movement on the internet that is screaming for either: 1. A release of old Nickelodeon shows, or 2. That Nick scrap it's current shows and go back to the old ones.

Personally, I don't care. My favorites were the Tomorrow People and Welcome Freshman.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 20 October :: 10.19 pm

For some reason, every Thursday night I feel in an expansize mood. I feel re-energized, like I am at peace with the universe. I'm not sure what it is. It could be several things. It could be my class. Modern China is such a mystery to me. I have no point of reference for it, so everything that I learn is new. Or perhaps it is the effect of learning about another culture. That could be what is causing this. Not because I know so much about Latin America, but because it is so western, it doesn't seem like another culture. It could just be the night. Coming home with everything all dark and lights in my eyes. I don't see the night as much as I used to. The night is just so romantic. It's the time in between. You know that the sun is going to rise again, but you don't know what to. A new day with new possibilities. If you're like me, in the light, you're very skeptical that tomorrow will change the world, but night is like a dark tunnel that has a certain exit, but not a certain destination. Because every Thursday, I listen to WAY FM (I listen to it most of the time anyway), and when I get to the curves right before the Fruitridge exit, I just get that overwhelming feeling. I just feel God's presence in my life and the over arching completeness of His love.

That brings me to another note that I have been want to touch on. It may not seem, especially for the last little bit, that I recognize the impact that God has on my life. It is true, that many times I don't. I've been so worn down lately, so angry at nothing, and yet at everything. So it is not easy to see the impact that He has on my life. That is my fault and I should endeavour to do better. But it's not about that even. Because I recognize, every single day that if it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't be hear. If it wasn't for His blessings, I wouldn't be the person I am.

I also got another response from Kim today. Things are getting very strange inside my head now. And I wouldn't be posting this if I thought you were going to not understand my words. For me, it's almost a pity now. I pity Kim so much. It's not that I am just that arrogant to think that I could have given her everything, or done anything about what is happening with her family, but I could have been there to at least see her through it. No, actually, a lot of it is arrogance. Because I felt the same way about Shari. Things haven't turned out the greatest for her, but their not the worst either. So I guess I am just arrogant in thinking that they lost their shot at happiness when they lost me.

And that, friends, brings me to my very last part of this entier ramble tonight. I don't have to worry about that with Mica. I don't have to worry about being arrogant, I don't have to worry about being tired. Everytime I see her she puts a smile on my face, and not just because she's my girlfriend. If she was my friend she would probably do the same thing. She might possibly be the funniest, smileyist (is that a word), jovial girl that I have ever known. And I'm not just saying that to score extra points either. It's something that I don't even come close to deserving. My only hope, as we go further is that I can meet her expectations.

So everyone have a good night, because tomorrow will be a brand new day.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 13 October :: 5.22 pm

So, anyways. I feel so completely ran down today. It might have something to do with last night, but then again I think it has something to do with the way I've been living lately. Denise turned the scedule over to me this week and then I was told last night that it needed to be done by five today. It never had been before, so it just put a lot of extra pressure on me. Besides, yesterday was just stressful in it's self. I wish I could do something to tak it all away. I promised myself I wouldn't let it get to this point. I just need to take a step back and not invest myself in this job so much. Not get caught up in the pettiness of it. I mean, I didn't have a job for a long time, so it's not like they can get rid of me and I'll be no worse for it. I need that attitude back.

Oh, and honey, if you see this, I'm coming over before I go home tonight ;)

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 11 October :: 1.07 pm

So I just finished my exam in Modern Latin America. It's kind of wierd. I think it was the first time I've ever been the last one to get done with an exam. Usually it's because you can't remember something, but this time it was because I remembered too much. I was suppossed to discuss the Latin American independence movement. Well that took me three pages. Then synthesize the capaigns for two countries. I got all the way through Mexico, but i barely gave Columbia a head nod because I was running out of time. THat was another two pages. Then I was suppossed to examine if they had met their goals. Which took another page, but could have taken longer. So now my hand is mucho tired from writing for 1.5 hours straight.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 10 October :: 10.03 pm

I'm just struggling with these questions. Is it possibly to be just? Is it alright to sin and still feel on the moral high ground? Do even corrupt individuals have it in their hearts for acts of kindness?
I don't know the answer to any of this. I do know that we're all flawed. All lost in our own way. But what to do about it, I don't know. What is the meaning of learning about high minded ideals, about process and procedure, if it does nothing to help the world? If it doesn't not help our fellow souls. Why spend our time dwelling on the things we can't do, the things we can't make right, instead of the things we can?
I guess these are deep probing questions. Something that I want to know and feel from my heart and from my soul.
Somedays I feel like an abject failure, because of the things I haven't been able to accomplish. The people that I have failed to help, the life that I have failed to lead, and the things I didn't even try at haunt on those days. But today was different. Today I feel a supreme confidence that I can do anything I set my mind to. But what to det my mind to. It feels like it's such power that it shouldn't be wasted. I could do anything, anything at all. But I'm still lost.
Still lost in the desert, waiting to be led into the promised land. The place where I will be able to see my children grow. That's where I want to go. And if now, this is about confidence, then I have supreme confidence. I have supreme confidence that He will lead me there, and when I arrive, when we arrive, it will be us as a complete people who will have their heads held high. And we will look at one another and be able to express that which will save us all. Love.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 6 October :: 8.46 am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: The Allman Brothers Band

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 30 September :: 9.55 am

I think the gay thing is nice. It really exposes the problems in the argument against gay marriage. But what you don't understand is that in this country, no matter how stupid you make people feel, they'll keep voting the way they want to. In addition, you can't get laws overturned by poking holes in how the law got passed. It's already passed and you have to give solid reasons to overturn it.
I will also say this. No matter how stupid it may make me feel, I don't support gay marriage. I don't have a reason. It's not that I don't like gay people. Yes, of course I feel uncomfortable around gay guys. To me, that's almost natural. Until I remind myself that I'm not wholy attractive to very many girls out there, so why would I be attractive to a gay guy. I know a lot of gay people, and in general I like the people themselves. What I don't like is the movement, the rhetoric behind it. It really bothers me that they are attacking the fundamental unit of society. Really it all comes back to a religious perspective. But the stereotype is that homosexuals are promiscuious. That stereotype could be further from the truth because there are many homosexuals who are 100% committed to their relationships, more so than even heterosexual couples. BUt if you follow the logic (or illogic) of the stereotype. If Homosexuals are already breaking the societal expectation of normal sexual behavior (which for the anti-gay marriage vote runs something along the line of celibacy) then what is stopping them then from breaking all the norms. Which is why homosexuals are portrayed as being promiscuous.
But I think I've drifted from my point. Which is to say that I do not feel comfortable endorsing gay marriage. I voted No on prop. 2 last year for only one reason. And I wished more people would have looked at it carefully and considered the consequences before they made it law. That reason was that it also closed the door on civil unions. I don't believe that the title of marriage should be given to gay couples, but they most certainly deserve the same rights as other people. To me, one is a legal quesiton (visitation, adoption, and inheritance rights) and the other is a socio-moral question (the title of marriage). So there. Despite having tried to think this one out, that is the conclusion that I have come to, so go ahead and blast away.

5 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 29 September :: 5.44 pm

So, yeah.

I finally got a response email from Kim. Yeah, from the one that I sent like three weeks ago. Apparently our freak coincidence of running into each other on the road on Tuesday got her thinking again. No, not that she wants me again (which wouldn't even be close to being on the table, it'd be in the backyard, or on Mars or something), but that her life actually sucks enough for her to realize that there are actually people who care about her.

On a side note: I'm really excited about tonight and this weekend in general. But also I was so freakin' tired today. I don't know why. My shoulders are sagging, my legs hurt and it has been very difficult to keep my eyes open. I've also been having extremely strange dreams lately. I have the feeling that if I had stayed up when I woke up at 4:30 I wouldn't feel like this. But it all doesn't matter because I am going to fully partake in all the Red Flannel debauchery that's goin' on this week. WOOOOOOOOOHHHHUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?