I finally had the break down I knew was coming... at work. Not fun. My boss/friend, Ryan, pulled me into a room and let me cry my heart out, then I continued on throughout the day, feeling no better, but thinking it was done. Then I get in my car and get ready to go home, flip on the radio and "Chasing Cars" (our song) came on. Everything went all through me and I lost it again. I can't wait for this stage to just be over.
I love him. As horrible as it is, I don't want to love him anymore, because then everything won't hurt so bad. I know that'll never happen. Kelly was/is a HUGE factor in my life, and he'll always have my heart.
I don't know if I'll continue on with this thing... it was kind of a place for he and I. Plus all my friends were originally his friends and I don't quite know how the feelings are with them and I anymore. I still love them, but... I don't know.
Fuck. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
I am so confused... I don't know what to do. Actually I already did what I felt like I should do, and it makes me feel like shit, and completely sick to my stomach. Then he left without talking to me.
I love him but I don't feel like I'm IN love with him, which is a completely overused line, but it's fitting. This week didn't feel right to me. I didn't feel like I used to feel, and I didn't get that little kick like I usually do when I first saw him. I knew something was wrong, but I kept telling myself it would blow over. After two years, you can't just stop having those feelings... I realize now that maybe you can. I talked to him and he just left without saying a thing. I don't really blame him, but... I don't know.
I don't want this to end on a bad note, but I don't really see it being a happy ending. There's nothing happy about it.
I'm sorry, Kelly. I don't know what to do, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy because then we would both just be miserable.
So I went to the casino with the guys last night, everyone's in town so it was the first time we had hung out in forever. I made twenty bucks, so it was all fun... but then when I'm getting ready to go to bed, I go to plug in my phone, an cannot find it at all. I know I did not leave it at the casino, because I put it on vibrate on the way home because the battery was dying. However, other than that I'm fuckin lost. It might have fallen out in Wheaton, it might be in Renkoski's car. Or Tylor might have grabbed it thinking it was his (same make and color) when he and Jacob were leaving my house.
I'm pretty much freaking out, fyi. I know Kelly's going to call, and my mom was supposed to call me as well, but... ha. Not going to happen when I don't have my phone.
/dies
hmm okay so my family pisses me off. Ashley's a crazy psycho when she doesn't get like 80 hours of sleep, and apparently ... fuck, I don't know, I guess dad's driving to KC with me. I can go by myself, I am fully capable. Renkoski wanted to go with me, as well, so that would have been perfectly fine. I am so mad, I can't just be like, "No, I don't want you to go," because dad would flip out. The upside is that he'll pay for gas now... so that's cool. Gaaaah.
I wish that more people trusted me. I'm not an idiot. Fuck.
Fuck them.
::
2008 12 September :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: tv
Holy balls.
zomg, like three days. I'm so incredibly excited. Ashley doesn't trust my driving skills well enough to let me drive to KC so she'll be doing that. I'm not that great of a driver, tbh, but like... I'm not horrible. She's just a bitch. Lacey can't go because she has to teach a class that night; she was so upset. We'll be able to come straight home, though, instead of stopping at Harrisville to see Josh though. That's good because we can get home earlier, but kind of sucky because I really like Josh. He's a funny guy, and he got points because he complimented me on my frames, which not too many people have ever done. So, kudos to him.
Hmm... omg. I don't know, I'm just so excited that I can't even think.
Ha, I plan on calling in on Friday, pretending to be sick, so that I can just spend the day with Kell, plus I think we'll be moving into the new house that day. So... yeah. I'm kind of nervous about that, lol. I've never called in anywhere. It's probably silly, but oh well.
Lacey's being a whore and making fun of me because I snort when I laugh. She'll just randomly look at me and snort. It's rather amusing, however.
Ugh, I could just go on forever about things involving Kelly, but I won't.
<3 him!!
Stressed...
So I set up my router all by myself. I only freaked out once, and I like got on msn really fast, praying Kelly would have staye up late to talk to me, seeing as though it IS the weekend... but no. He didn't. Ugh. But I'm kind of happy, because I figured it out on my own and now I have that satisfaction.
/sigh
Ten more days!! omfg. I am so excited. I'm all nervous/giddy. I hope everyone gets along alright. I'm most worried about Ashley; she's a bitch and she is on purpose. She'll be mean and hateful and rude and not care. Lacey's already killed her, as have I, but who knows. She's just someone you ignore, basically, and I hope Kelly can do just that.
Mom and dad are freaks. Trevor's annoying. Taylor's an emo bitch.
Other than that it should be cool >.>;;
lol, whatever. I'm not even going to worry about it.
So, Ashley and Lacey went to the bar, Guitars, in Joplin, Jake went to a party, so I'm home all by myself in this great big house and I'm lonely. And exhausted from a LOOOOONG day at work. The past two nights we have been continually busy. To top it all off, my backs starting to get sore from like... idk, maybe awkwardly lifting heavy shit? Whatever it is, it's uncomfortable and sucky.
I've got so much homework to do and no time at all to do it. I have to read like eight chapters for philosophy, study for a quiz in business law, draw shit for art, and do all these problems for accounting that take like 30 minutes each. Plus, I work 2-10 tomorrow and sunday so I don't know when I'm going to get them done. I'll have to skip church sunday because tomorrow I have to go to the house really early and help mom with some shit.
UGH.
I need it to be Kelly time now. All this stress makes me want to start smoking again, which can't happen, cause eww.
Whatever.
<3!!
So like yesterday we got this tornado and it happened when I was at work, so I'm sitting there checking out this woman who I've seen quite a bit, and her three kids are with her. Then the sirens go off and someone hops on the intercom and is like, "attention Wal-Mart associates and customers, we have a code black. If you would please safely make your way to the back of the store in an orderly fashion." So the littlest kid is freaking out and I'm like "come on dude" and I grab his hand and walk with him and the rest of them to the back. Then I go back up to the front and there's this old woman kind of milling around and I'm like, "ma'am have you lost someone, or do you need any help?" She fucking looks at me and is like "I don't know about you wimps, but I'm not scared of no damn tornado, do you have any self check-outs? I just want to leave" Well I told her we didn't, that she was free to leave at her own risk, but if she wanted her stuff she'd have to come to the back of the store with me. After a TON of bitching on her part, she makes her way to the back. It lasted for like thirty minutes, nothing even happened, and finally the warning was lifted. So yeah, that was cool.
I get paid tomorrow, so that's awesome, I'm excited.
I have three classes today, and a quiz in one (Bus. Law) and it's raining and cold and depressing. I'm not going to enjoy sitting in class all afternoon/evening. Whatever though. I have accounting with Ashley and it's awesome; we sit there and make fun of people and talk all three fucking hours of the class. I love it.
Actually, here the past few weeks Ashley was a friggin douche nozzle, but things are kind of okay now. I don't know what her problem was. Alas, all's well that ends well.
I've been thinking about Justin a lot lately, which just depresses me. I miss him. We talked all the time, and it seems lately I just need to talk to him agan. He was seriously my best friend before he died, and it sucks. We hung out all the time and sometimes I just want those days back.
::
2008 2 September :: 10.27am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Simple Man - Shinedown
The first week of school went well enough, I suppose. I missed my first art class, just slept right through it, so that was just awesome. It turned out alright, though, because the teacher new of me thanks to dad, so he was cool. My Philosophy class is awesome, like seriously, amazing. I'm excited about it. I'm going to drop out of my online class, Economics 202. I have no idea what's going on in that class, so instead of failing I'm just going to drop it. I may find another class, but I don't really want to. I'll probably end up doing so, however, so that I don't have to take an extra class next semester.
Work is okay, I had this weird nightmare about it last night, though. Like I went to lunch with my friends, and forgot to clock out... it was dumb.
Now instead of Lacey moving out, which she was going to, Jake's going to move out. I'm tired of hearing them bitch, tbh, and don't really care. I cared more that Lacey was moving out, but I know I'll still talk to Jake occasionally so it doesn't really matter. Uh... I have to move all my shit upstairs, and his down. I'll pretty much have all of upstairs to myself, so that's awesome. Thanks to him it's kind of smelly up there atm, so some major cleaning and candle burning will take place pronto. He's not moving until we get another roommate, which isn't likely to happen, so whatever, but I thought that was decent of him.
Oh, also another helpful piece of information is that I guess we're not moving out of here. We couldn't find another place that had enough bedrooms, so that was lame. We all really like the house, so I guess it's alright. But yeah, that's pretty much all.
Ha, wait. Ashley got a nasty chihuaha (sp) and I named it Clitorous. It's awesome.
Kk, time for class. <3 to all.
