spell out this love across the universe

:: 2003 9 November :: 3.39pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: the radio

a picture of jim and i

it's a picture of jim and i. =)

:: 2003 8 November :: 5.22pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: trapt - still framed

in a pretty good mood
hello. it was actually a darn good day today.

i woke up around 9:30, and called jim. no one answered, so i called back around 10:30 or so, and he finially answered. we talked for a while, then around 11:30 [after i got a shower and everything] i walked down his house. when i got there we popped in a movie, [tom and huck.. a disney movie. mwahaha.] and we watched half of that, went upstairs ordered some food, came back downstairs waited for the food and then watched the rest of the movie. after that we just waited until my mom got there and then he left and went to work, and i left and went home.

i missed him. we're doing good actually. i don't have any more doubts about us. =) none what-so-ever. =)

i'm pretty happy.

<3 jena.

:: 2003 6 November :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: nerdy
:: Music: whatever's on the radio.

haven't updated.
sorry i haven't been updating lately.. i guess i needed a break from on here..

but i'll write more. promise.

sorry to friends that i haven't been noting. <3 you guys.

well, note me if you still remember me.. :(

oh, everyone should join nerdnation.net. it's awesome.

<3, jena.

:: 2003 28 October :: 10.24am
:: Mood: depressed

Say Anything...

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2003 25 October :: 7.46am
:: Mood: tired, and annoyed
:: Music: silence

i can't sleep. damnit
it's 7:30 in the morning, and i'm wide awake. what the hell? it's the weekend, i should be sleeping in. but nooo.. not me. not jena.

so much stuff has been going on.. actually just to much to write about. but i'll write a little about a couple.

we did go to georges interview on wednesday. the town is called sunbury. the houses are beautiful.. i think beautiful might be to dull of a word. we'll know by the begining of this week if george got the job, and if we will have to move.

jim and i.. lets see. to much to write about. so much going on. and just so much i don't even want to talk about.

the little town parade is today. aww. i'm not going. jim has to work.. i don't like going anywhere without him. so oh well.

andyfest is sunday. [it's like a little benifit concert with all kind of bands, because this little boy got hit by a truck and died.. and every year his family does this.] it's like hard rock, and heavy metal kinda music. it's definitly awsome. so i hope jim can get off work for that.. but if he can't, that's one thing that i'll go to no matter what.

i guess i don't really have anything else to write..

oh, i've been thinking about making my journal a friends only journal. only because i know some people that i don't like read it. =)
..but i'm not sure yet what i'm going to do.

i love you jim.

xx.jena

:: 2003 19 October :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: i was in a good mood, until my entry didn't save,
:: Music: cheap trick - i want you to want me

jim?
so last night around mindnight, jim called and we sorta got into a little fight, i don't even remember what it was about, but i was like "so do you think we need some time off? is that what you think?" and he said "yeah, i guess" so i was like "well if times what you want, then you have all the time you want." and i said bye and hung up the fone.

he called back a little later, while i was still crying [i didn't answer the fone.] and was like "jena, i love you blah blah blah i just don't know why you always get mad at me.. blah blah blah.. i love you so much, and i never ever want time apart from you. i love you so much, you can call me back even though i know you probably wont. love you, bye.." that was pretty much what he said, i probably left out a couple things, but it's okay, it was for me anyways, not for everyone else to hear.

i was crying for probably 30 minutes, before i got that.. then i fell asleep around 1 or 2.. he called at like 3:00, and i answered. we made up i guess, though i don't really remember what we said. but he did say sorry.. and that he loved me and everything..

today he called me before he went to work, and we talked.. but just for a couple minutes, cause he had to leave for work. and we just told eachother that we loved eachother and all that good stuff.

i was going to have my mom take us to the movies after he got off work, but he worked overtime cause someone got fired or something. so that screwed my plans for making up with him. [damn that person for getting fired. =(=(=(]

he came up amys around 9:30-10:00.. and we hugged, and kissed and all that good stuff. i love him so much. i can't even imagine not being with him. i don't even know what i'd do.. probably die.

this wed. he might go with us to the little town near harrisburg. [aww!] i can't wait to go. thank god i get out of school.

-x|x- jena

-----compared to what i wrote, and what really happened. this sounds like a fuckin fairy tale.

:: 2003 18 October :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: scooby-doo on tv

-hopefully moving-
okay.. jim had to be at work at four and he didn't call me all fuckin day.. it's 3:42 right now. so he probably left for work already. god. i am so pissed off.

HASH(0x8792890)
To Die Alone
Your greatest fear is to die alone. You are
probably a very shy person. The thing you want
most is someone to understand you and be with
you.

What's your greatest fear? (images)
brought to you by Quizilla

george is going for an interview [for that job near harrisburg] on wed. and my mom and i are going to go with him to look for some houses. we need him to get this job so much. we need the money.. really bad. so i get to skip school wed. [thank god]

i came home from school early yesterday. fuck school. i hate everyone in it. why can't people just leave me alone, and not ask me questions?

xx. jena

:: 2003 18 October :: 11.31am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: silence

(more upset than mad)
"i'll call you when i get home from work" were some of the last words i heard from him before he left to go to work..

11:30 came.. no call.
12:00 came.. no call.
12:30 came.. no call.
1:00 came.. no call.
1:30 came.. no call.
2:00 came.. no call.
2:30 came.. no call.
3:00 came, i gave up and went to bed.

so, yeah. i am a little pathetic, waiting about 3 hours more than i should.. i knew past 12:00 if he didn't call, then he wouldn't call at all.. but you know me and my wishful thinking.

i woke up at 6:00 crying in my sleep. i had a nightmare.. though i don't want to talk about it.. i went to the bathroom, and then stayed up for about 30 minutes, because i checked my cell for any missed calls, or messages someone might have left on it..

jim's my whole world.. so what do i have left when he's takin away from me?.. nothing.

:: 2003 17 October :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: sad

he studied her for a long while when he walked in the door "you look tired," he said.

not tired, sad. she thought to herself, as she smiled and slightly shrugged it off..

:: 2003 14 October :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the used - bulimic

not that it's any of your business..
just to clear some things up, about my last entry.. i wasn't talking about anyone that has a journal on here, or any of my "friends".

so, who ever left me that note. there you go. it clears that up.

apparently people didn't read the disclamer on the top of my journal. so read it. NOW. so maybe next time, you won't have a problem.

i'm going to go, shut the computer off because it's storming really bad.

xx.jena

p.s. i love you jim.

:: 2003 13 October :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: cold - stupid girl

..
no one feels sorry for you.

so don't try and make them feel bad.

7 ! | CMNT.

:: 2003 12 October :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: limp bizkit - no sex

best friends.
I had this in my info on AIM:

some friends don't understand this. they don't understand how desperate i am for someone to say, "i love you and i support you just the way you are because you're wonderful anyway you are." they don't understand that i can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. i am so demanding and difficult for my boyfriends because i want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though i am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time.. not moving. depression is all about "if you loved me you would" as in if you loved me you would stop doing everything besides sitting here by my side and passing me tissue and asprin while i lie and cry and drown myself and you in my misery.

amy said this to me a couple seconds later:

asthesmilefades (6:56:18 PM): i love you and i support you just the way you are because you're wonderful anyway you are.

aww.. love you amy. <3<3

xx.jena

:: 2003 10 October :: 10.31am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: teacher is talking

bad day
yesterday dustin [my brother] and i to the hospital to see my grandpap, and then went to wal*mart..

i guess my grandpap broke a bone right above his tail bone, and he's been in the hospital for about 3-4 days now.. i think. but he's about 87 years old or so, and he's not doing to good. my mom was sick, so she couldn't go- his blood count is down and he can catch any little bug that anyone else has. i hope he's okay, because it's just to early for my grandparents to die.. i don't even know what i'd do.

we went to wal*mart afterwards, and i got some poster board for jim and i's history projects. on our way out in the check out line we saw jen.. [my brothers ex-girlfriend..] so we talked for a minute or so, and after that dustin didn't really talk to me.. i feel bad, because i know how close they were. i mean they lived together for a little more than a year.. and i know he loved her. you could just see it in his eyes.

love sucks.

i got home and talked to my mom and george.. i guess george might get a job in harrisburg.. hmm, that's 4 hours away from where i live now.. and i don't know if i want to go. my mom said that if he does that the job, that if i wanted she'd stay here with me until the end of the school year.. ya know, just to finsh this year of school. and then i asked about jim. they said as long as he got a job and everything, they'd take him with us. so if we do move- as long as jim goes with us. i'm good. =D
[i've had some shit said to me about this paragraph. this does not mean i won't miss my friends. i'm just saying, as long as i have someone to fuckin go with me, i'll be okay.. god, i don't like being yelled at for something that people just don't understand, because i didn't write it clearly.. =/]

school today sucks. i'm in advanced word processing, and i accidently deleted this huge project that i did a couple weeks ago, and i need now to do another project.. so i'm basicly screwed. i don't even know what i'm gonna do. it'll take me forever to re-do the project. grr. screw it. i don't even care anymore. i'm probably gonna fail anyway.

jim isn't here. i am so mad. sometimes i don't even think he wants to be with me anymore.. he never calls me, and he's always working and everything. i don't know, maybe he's just busy.. maybe i'm reading to much into it. but whatever it is, it sucks. because i miss him.. and he's not even gone.

school pictures were today. ha. i found out yesterday. this school is so damn stupid anymore. they didn't even tell us. someone told me yesterday, and i was like "whoa, they didn't even announce it." haha. some people didn't even know about it, and came to school all scrubby and looking dirty. haha. i find it funny though. so i can laugh about it. =)

ahh yes. i'm making a gay site on geocites on yahoo.. haha. i'm not done yet, but when i am, i'll post the link so you can make fun of it =) woohoo.

yeah well i better go. i'm gonna see what i can do on my projects in this class.. god, i'm so behind!!

xx jena

:: 2003 7 October :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: nirvana - alcohol

my mewlib: a love story

There once lived a long young couple named jim and jena. jim and jena loved to sit their bikes together, look their homework together, and running slowly under the oak tree in jims backyard.

Well, jim was a old girl with yellow black hair and eyes that blew. jena was wooden and the star of the basketball team. jim and jena were very depressed together.

One day, jim was screwing jenas leg and a cat putt-putting over and fucked them both.

haha
p.s. i didn't write this story.. i just put down words when it told me to, and it filled them into this story when i was done.
so don't think i'm some sorta weirdo writing that.. haha

HASH(0x83fc2d8)

A bloody gruesome death. You're most likely a self-
mutilator. You like the burning sensation you
get as your skin gives way to the blade and
watching as the rivers of blood flow down your
arm and onto the bathroom floor. You don't
really care HOW you end up killing
yourself...just as long as you're dead in the
end and there's a mess for people to clean up.
After all, they deserve it anyway right? And
you like whatever is convenient at the time for
you...so there's no real planning to be done.

What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"i was the one who said things changed, but you were the one who showed me exactly how much they really did."

:: 2003 5 October :: 11.29am
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: silence

considering suicide?

I got this in an e-mail.. and i decided to post it, because.. well, just read it.

You've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out.

Fine--but before you kill yourself consider these facts:

Suicide is not usually successful.

You think you know a guaranteed way?

Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone.

What about jumping?

Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain- damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.

What about pills?

Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.

What about a gun?

Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide.

You might too.

But...

Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job- -but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned?

Your father?

Your mother?

Your wife?

Your son?

The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.

Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.

You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police.

They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.

You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it?

Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later.

And we'll work with whatever you have left.

scary, isn't it? it'll make you think twice.. but then again, i don't know.

xx jena.

7 ! | CMNT.

:: 2003 4 October :: 11.25am
:: Mood: cold and sore
:: Music: me chewing on pizza

car wreck and other things
yesterday around 4:40, amy her mom and i all were going to go out to burger king, and chow down on some food. but on our way there, we got into a wreck. some stupid lady pulled right out in front of us, and we ran into her passengers side of the car. i was in the back seat, [without a seat belt. ha] amy was in the passengers side, and her mom was driving. so, none of us were really hurt, amys mom hit her head, and has a bruise on her hand.. from hitting something, but she doesn't know what she hit it off of. amy got hurt from the seatbelt, and shes been complaining about that.. so i hope you feel better.. and i just got smushed up against the front seat- hit my right arm, and my chin. but all in all i'm okay. a little sore. but okay ;)

so we dropped amy off at the highschool [she had to go to a football game.] after her mom talked to the lady about everything. then we went to the auto body shops to see how much it would be to fix her car. i guess it'll cost over $1,000. so they couldn't give her the exact total.

that sucks.

so all in all my day was okay yesterday. 8-) except for the fact that when i ask jim to call me, he always "forgets" or some other STUPID reason.. wtf. how can you forget to call your girlfriend? he hasn't called me like 4 different times in a row when i asked him to. i always have to call him, and he just tells me that "he forgot" or "he got in late" wtf? thats fucked up. i'm so pissed.

i don't even know anymore.

xx- jena

:: 2003 3 October :: 9.39am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: silver chair - do you feel the same

i wish i knew the ending
yeah, whatever.. "life sucks; then you die." ahh. i love saying that. it just kinda- lightens up your day. =)

what day is it again? oh yeah.. friday. sucky old friday. i actually used to like fridays, well then again i actually used to like life. errr- okay, maybe i lied. but oh well. at least i used to like FRIDAYS. but i just don't like anything anymore. -sighs.

jim went to work yesterday at 4.. and he said he'd call me when he got home. but i guess he forgot.. i waited til like 1:00 in the morning. but no call. i'm worried though cause i still can't get ahold of him, so wtf. he should know i'd get worried.. god, i'm so mad!

everythings so blurry
and everyones so fake
and everybodys empty..
and everything is so messed up
be occupied without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
and i stumbled and i crawl
you can be my someone..
you can be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene..

sorry- listening to puddle of mudd now. -sigh. [i don't put down every song that i listen to, just the first one when i start writing my entry.] so don't get confused.. oh wait- i just read over that and confused myself.
disreguard that last paragraph.

i got a new bed for my room. and a new computer desk. well- really they aren't new. the computer desk was my moms and she got a different one, and the bed was my brothers, and he doesn't need it anymore.. it's kinda funny really; because i'm not worth getting anything new for.
lol.. i'm not worth it.

god, i wish there was fuckin school today. i hate being home alone. [yeah, my family is here. but like i said, i'm alone.] i can't believe i'm actually wishing for school.. god i miss jim.

i have to go over amys tonight- which sucks. only because she's not even gonna be home tonight, she has to go to an away football game [she's in the band]. so i'm stuck at her house for hours probably with her sister.. [i don't know if her sister will be there though] but oh well. i'll fuckin get over it. like i get over everything else.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time. like when i was about 5, and i was always up my aunts. and i didn't know about boys, heartbreaking, depression, being poor or just anything like that. it's so much easier being a little kid. yeah i wanted to grow up so much back then and be like my older brother. but i'm sayin fuck it now.. i want to go back when i was little. i don't like knowing all the shit that i know. it's sorta just like to much shit to handle anymore. to much for my brain to process. it's just to much anymore.. to many responsiblities.. to many things to do. so many things. to many.

i hate looking at pictures.
they bring back to many memories.
god damn them.

thats all. i'm done complaining.
xx. jena

:: 2003 1 October :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: silence

just another survey

YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question, your name: JENA
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would you name have been: I don�t even know
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? no
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with: umm.. probably- no one, I like my name.
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? they don�t really- they just misspell it.
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? no

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? no
(8) Do you think God has a gender? I don�t know..
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? sorta.
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? no
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? probably no where.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? no.

HUMOR
13) How easy is it to make you laugh? very easy
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? it�s really a tie between amy, rochelle, jim, and just all my friends..
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? all the time.
(16) Why? i don't know
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? depends on the moment
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? haha, rochelle and Is song about people singing on the bus.. I�ll have to post it sometime.

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? depends on if I�m really happy or not.. but most of the time, no.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? �skater �boi� � by avril lavigne. God, the list goes on.. haha.
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? there�s a few actually..
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? �so far away� by staind, �think twice� by eve 6
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? �hurt� by NIN, �broken� by seether, and �epiphany� by staind
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? �i�ll be� by edwin mccaine
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? �come what may� from the moulin rouge.. omg, I would melt in his arms.

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? MOULIN ROUGE!!
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? not always.
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? yeah right, I hate that movie/s
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? musicals.
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? ahh to many..

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? taste
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? provolone
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? um.. it�s just cheese?
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? not.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? yeah, but then I get over it.

COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer? not really.
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? yeah
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? yeah..
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? no.
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? yeah, lol.
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? everything.
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? everything.
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? why they have to be so immature??

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? no
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? everyone from moulin rouge.
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? hahahahahaha yeah right.
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? Wynonia ryder or however you spell her name. I like her.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? yes.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? not sure.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? no

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? no, I don�t see what the big deal is. Jesus.
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no.
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? nope.
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? no
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? yep
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? what�s that??
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? most definitely.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? haha.
(60) What do you think of pi? 3.14

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? Not really
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? scared I guess..?
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? getting to know them.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member> I am right now..
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? I asked my boyfriend out.. I don�t see the big deal.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? yeah I don�t think it�s cool..
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? no not really.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? hahahaha. yeah right!
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? in a heartbeat.
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? who cares.

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession? my baby jim
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? ahh.. autographs from the moulin rouge!!!!
(73) How badly do you want it? sooo soo bad!
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? yeah, who hasn�t?
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? I still don�t understand..

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? no
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? 21, when jim and I get married. =)
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? when I was little, I was a little princess.. aww I was so cute. I miss those days..
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? my old grandma costume.. haha
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? MAYBE thanksgiving.. but anymore- I don�t even know.
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? nothing, we have enough holidays. Jesus.

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory no to good.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? hahahaha.
(84) What is your earliest memory? I can�t even think..
(85) What is your happiest memory ? being with jim..
(86) What is your strangest memory? everything is strange anymore.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? moulin rouge.

TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? moulin rouge
danielle steel books..
(90) What song makes/made you cry? nothing really..
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? jim.

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? no.
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? Yeah. as long as I had jim.
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? isn�t that song on waynes world??

THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? yeah, but I�m bored.. so.. yeah..
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? I guess so.. like I said, I was bored..
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? I was bored.. like I said.
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? "If you had to kill yourself how would you choose to go abouti it?"
99) How would you have answered it? I don�t even know.

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? today, when jim left for work I told him. =)
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? I love you Jim.

:: 2003 30 September :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: seether - fade away

not really in the mood to write
jim and i went to the movies yesterday. we saw freaky friday. aww. disney movies are the best.

we had fun, it was 10 months for us yesterday. =) such a long time. yes. a long time together.
i l o v e h i m v e r y m u c h

i didn't go to school today. i am hella sick. and it sucks. a lot.

i hope i don't have a lot of things to make up. -growls. i hate homework and such.

i don't really feel like writing.

<3 jena.

:: 2003 27 September :: 3.30pm
:: Mood: sick, sad
:: Music: incubus

personality test.

The Big Five Personality Test
Extroverted |||||||||| 32%
Introverted |||||||||||||||| 68%
Friendly |||||||||| 32%
Aggressive |||||||||||||||| 68%
Orderly |||||||||||| 42%
Disorderly |||||||||||||| 58%
Relaxed |||| 12%
Emotional |||||||||||||||||||| 88%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 54%
Practical |||||||||||| 46%
Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions. Here are your results on each dimension:

Extroversion results were low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof.

Friendliness results were low which suggests you tend to be rude, uncooperative, and irritable.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious.

Emotional Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.

Intellectualness results were medium which suggests you are moderately creative, original, curious, and imaginative.

Overall, you scored highest on Intellectualness and lowest on Emotional Stability

:: 2003 24 September :: 10.22am
:: Music: my teacher talking to us

.:just in school:.
i'm in school, not really doing anything, omg, do i want to go home. i am so sick. i think it's a combination of being out in the cold all yesterday [i'll write about that later.] and kelly [she's sick, and she was over my house for a long time last night -growls.]

mrs skilles is telling us about her experince about her Student Teacher Of the Year thing. [she was one of the finialists for Pennsylvania] which is really hard to do. only 12 teachers actually make it. so it's really cool to just have a teacher that was a finialist. =) i'm so proud! (i really actually am.)

so yesterday rochelle stayed over again and we [some aunts, some uncles, and some cousins and jim came over!] it was an okay night really. we roasted some hot dogs on a big bon fire- and some marshmellows. it started at klike 7:00 and i think everyone started to leave at around 9 or so. jim rochelle [kelly was on my computer...........] i think she got us sick! oh well. but anyways, jim left around 11:30- [way to early.. i wanted him to stay all night.] but oh well- he's getting his lisence soon enough. i want him to get it soo bad. god i'm tired of his mom bitching about driving him over my house, and i'm tired of my mom bitching about going to get him and so on.. it just kinda drains me because i hear it from both sides.. -growls.

i guess jim talked to the principle about going to homecoming- he's allowed to go. we got into this big fight because i didn't want to go anymore. yeah, i wanted to go.. but i didn't want to be rushed around looking for a dress and shoes and all that stupid shit. but i don't know, he said he would take some other girl, and i hung up on him. ha. stupid ass. i hung up on him like 6 times in the matter of not even 5 minutes. the next day we were okay though..

so things have been getting to me lately- okay everything has been getting to me lately. just everything. i don't even know what to do anymore. i just got off the handle. if someone talks to me in the wrong way, i'll be mad at them or freakin yell at them for stupid little shit. it's dumb. i'm dumb. but i don't even know anymore. i just don't know.. i just don't know.

becky and i are just sitting here, online because we have a free period in advanced word processing. yay! i'm glad cause i freakin need some time off.

man, i want to go home.

history test today- DAMN IT. fuck history. i hate it. and i'm probably going to fail it. it's not that i don't like history, because i think it's amazing all the things that happened, but i just don't like having to memorize everything. i'm not a memorization kind of person. i'm more of a math person. i'm better at math at most subjects. i don't know anymore. whatever.

george is so fuckin stupid. rochelle and i went up with him to get some ice cream yesterday, and our friend tom came out [he works there.] and he gave roach the middle finger, [they always play around like that.] and george was like "i don't think that was very respectable, if you ever ever do anything like that again, i'll have you thrown off this property." what an asshole? i was so pissed. if he fuckin talks to me, see if i fuckin talk back. fuck him. i don't tell my mom and his friends what to do, they do shit around my little sisters that isn't appropriate, but i don't fuckin tell them that it isn't appropriate. fuck him. and if he does anything like that again, just fuckin see what i do.

sorry for saing 'fuck' so many times. when i get mad, i swear. and omg was i so pissed when he did that.

god, i feel like shit.

<3 jena.

:: 2003 21 September :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: commercials on the radio

yes, updating again today
yeah, i saw this movie when it first came out; and i loved it ever since. but lately i've been watching it and watching it. i know everything about it. ahh yes. ask me a question. haha.

love
You're Love!

Which Moulin Rouge Symbol are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're: El Tango de Roxanne

What Moulin Rouge Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Christian! You have a ridiculous obssesion
with love, but you can survive with love and
love alone!

What Moulin Rouge character are you? (pics!!!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

giff02
You are very very obsessed wiht moulin rouge! You
have seen it so many times it's not funny
anymore! Your friends and relatives are going
crazy becuase you keep talking about it. You
know almost every word to it, and get p.o.ed
every time people insult it in any way shape or
form. But hey who can balme ya? It's a great
movie

how obsessed with Moulin Rouge are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2003 21 September :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: moulin rouge

love makes us act like we are fools; throw our lives away, for one happy day.

i guess this weekend was okay. =) i got to see jim. i watched moulin rouge a bunch of times. so i am 'happy'

friday jim came over; at 12 midnight. -growls. i was so mad at him because it took him so long to get over here. but at least he came over. i was happy about that.

satine
i follow the night
can't stand the night
when will i begin
to live again?
one day i'll fly away..
leave all this to yesterday..
what more could your love do for me?
when will love be through with me?
why live life from dream to dream?
and dread the day, when dreaming ends..

christan
how wonderful life is.. now your in the world.

satine
one day i'll fly away
leave all this to yesterday
why live life from dream to dream
and dread the day, when dreaming.. ends.
one day i'll fly away..

whoa, sorry i had to type that out.. they were singing it, and i love that part.. ahh. the whole movie rocks.. i'll probably just bust out typing some of the lyrics again later in the entry..

but anyways, saturday- we took jim to work, and then i went homecoming dress shopping with amy. aww. her dress is so cute. i love it very much. it's black with sparkles in the front. and she's going with a nice guy to, so i'm happy for her. [i love you amy!] then we came home to her house and jim drove us to subway. and amy and i got a SUB. =) it was good. [thank you jim, i love you.] then we came back, and amys mom left. matt and jim came up. we chilled and shit. matt went home and then amy jim and i watched moulin rouge. [amy never saw it before- but jim watches it with me all the time.. he probably hates it by now.] he actually fell asleep on the floor next to the couch. but i'm so glad he was there. i miss him since he works anymore.. i don't get to see him as much.

today i didn't really do anything, went to the covered bridge festival with my mom and stuff. i didn't get anything though. but oh well. my mom told me that she was going to paint a smile on my face. haha. yeah.

now i'm just watching moulin rouge again. [yes, the title of this entry is from one of the songs is from the movie.]

all you need is love
a girl has got to eat
all you need is love
she'll end up on the street
all you need is love
love is just a game

i was made for lovin' you baby,
you were made for lovin' me

the only way of lovin me baby, is to pay a lovely fee
just one night, just one night
there's no way, cause you can't pay.
in the name of love, one night in the name of love..
you crazy fool; i won't give into you.

jesus christ, i love that movie- i don't know how anyone can't. ahh. what's wrong with me? haha. i'm obsessed. i love the songs.

"we could steal time.. just for one day, we could be hero's forever and ever. we could be heros forever and ever.. we can be heros- just because i will always love you--"

how wonderful life is, now you're in the world
i love you jim.

<3<3jena.

:: 2003 20 September :: 12.35pm
:: Mood: i don't know
:: Music: seether

[haha] this is funny
Depressed..
You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.

How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2003 17 September :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: incubus (mourning view cd)

good day?!
"so are you gettin kress straightened up jena?" -my science teacher asked me after class today.
[kress = jim]

haha, that made my day a considerably good one.

=)

p.s. i love you rochelle!!

:: 2003 16 September :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: i don't even know anymore.. =(
:: Music: commercials on the radio..

nothing anymore.
so yeah.. the moday and tuesday of this week was.. okay if you consider being miserable okay.. but whatever.

last night i stayed at rochelles. i did have fun. =) but i guess her step dad is bein an ass today, so rochelle, i hope you're okay.. i love you! -hugs-

jim and i are okay.. we just fight a lot.. i um, need him. because he helps me through everything. =( i wish i wasn't so dependent on him. i need him for absolutly everything. i feel so stupid. but i l o v e h i m w i t h a l l m y h e a r t and i don't ever wanna lose him.. it came to close once, never again do i want it to become that close again.. never again.

in algebra i feel dumb. i guess we're doing "Problem Solving" now- man, i try so hard, and i just don't understand it. =( i don't know what to do.. ugh. we're having a test.. umm.. [hold on, let me look in my planner..] um, yeah thursday. -sighs- i am going to fail it. whatever; if i fail, i'll most likely just fail the whole year. but i don't even know if i care anymore.

i re-did my journal.

:: 2003 14 September :: 2.35pm
:: Mood: upset, depressed, worried, anti-social
:: Music: die trying - oxgyens gone

just leave me alone to die
the whole weeks been bad.. well, starting tuesday anyway. jim and i have just ben fighting non-stop all the time anymore. god, i don't even know what the fuck we're fighting over half the time, we just fight to fight.

so tuesday i had an anxiety attack, and god i've been seriously getting those more and more often.. and i don't know what to do about them because i don't want to tell anyone. i'm scared they'll take me to the doctor, and they'll want to.. i don't know, i'm just scared of them seeing my arm. i don't want to know what they'll do about it. they'd probably tell my mom or something. and thats the last thing that i need.. =/

wed. at lunch time jim and i got into this fight over something.. i guess he said that i was making fun of him, but i swear to god on my life that i didn't even mean to say anything bad. it just came out wrong i guess.. but i don't know, he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the lunch period, and he didn't walk with me to 6th period.. i was really upset. i hate when things like that happen. god, it makes me feel like shit. 8th period i couldn't hold it in anymore. i asked to go the restroom cause i was crying.. mrs. gurdish asked if i was okay, i just nodded my head.. i think i was in there for like 5 minutes, and when i finially came back in the class room, i was still crying a little bit, and i felt everyones eyes on me. i hate that. i guess they were all waiting for me to get out the bathroom. how dumb.

the rest of the week was just bad. then came the weekend. god, i don't even want to talk about the weekend. i had the worst weekend ever. jim and i fought, and all i did all weekend was cry, and cry and think about stupid shit. i swear i wanted to just sink into my pillow and just never have to face anything anymore. i didn't want to talk or see anyone.
but i did. i had to go to my uncles family reunion with him. i didn't want to let him down. i may be a little depressed, but i wouldn't let my aunt and uncle down. kelly and i went, and everyone rode horses but me. the one who loves horses, but i didn't ride. because i'm scared not of horses.. of something else. but i don't want to talk about it.

so i'm going to go to school with a HaPpY fAce! on, and lie some more. =) yay. i'm so glad!

i hope i don't wake up in the morning.

i love you jim.

:: 2003 10 September :: 7.02pm
:: Mood: i feel like singing
:: Music: a bunch of different stuff.

don't test me. not this year.
i made a community.. so everyone that reads my journal, please join. it'd mean a lot to me. just click HERE

i've been listening to this radio station, and all these old songs are on that i haven't heard in a couple years.. and i'm pretty happy about that, because i like these songs. damn. i miss this kinda shit.

:sings: [this is stuck in my head from earlier today]
you�re getting closer, to pushing me
off of life�s little edge
cause i�m a loser and sooner or later
you know i�ll be dead
you�re getting closer, you�re holding
the rope and i�m taking the fall
cause i�m a loser, i'm a loser

so you can tell that school started, because no one updates anymore.. =[ which makes me sad. but i guess i'll get over it like i do everything else.

i'm not sure about school anymore. to much work. i'd rather be doing something else, like sleeping. but yeah- i have to keep my grades up. because i want to. not because anyone else wants me to. i am doing it because i want to. =] because of me. me me me.

i'm doing good in my classes so far -shudders- oh well, i'm trying harder than last year, especially in algebra, and english.. only because i really am starting to like algebra, and english will only get harder, and i better start doing good now. dumb reasons, but hey-- they work.

i guess i don't really have that much homework, yeah i have more than last year, but you always have more homework the higher grade you get in, so.. no complaining from me.

i have to say- fuckin people better stop talking to jim! you stupid bitch. talk to him again, see what i do. =] thats all.
[my friends know who the hell i'm talking about.]

don't press my buttons this year. not this year, because i'm not taking anyones shit.

i was sitting on the bus, and this one nicole girl was talking really loud, and i was like "who the fuck is talking so loud?! they need to stfu, they're getting on my nerves." to kelly, and she was like "jena, everything gets on your nerves anymore." haha, yeah she's right. i hate people. =]

:: 2003 7 September :: 8.18pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: 504 boys - i can tell

: i'm not sure :
yes. i am listening to rap. no i don't like much of it. but a select few i like.

so i guess yesterday jim and i fought. i was upset. i cried. nothing else new. i always cry over stupid things. but whatever. i don't care anymore.

today jim came over. and rochelle was here also. sams party was today. i guess all her friends didn't come over, because they had "plans" [assholes] but allison was here. and we made the best of it. and i did have a good time.

it started around 2, we all went outside on the back porch deck. my mom made hotdogs, and we ate chips. sam gave us all a little gift bag, which had: a bracelet, necklace, hair things, gum, a big bouncy ball, pencil, and sunglasses in it. i love it. i stole everyones bracelet, because they were so cute, and i loved them. [i didn't really steal them, everyone gave me theres.] but anyway, after we ate jim came. i don't really know what time that was.. but whatever. we all went swimming. but no one actually stayed in the pool because i really think that it was only about 50 or so degres. it was freezing. [goes at gets noodles] but then we played a little game [something to do with cotton balls, i don't really remember.] but we made that fun to. it even had me laughing, which felt good.
rochelle jim and i played some nintendo, and then we all came in my room.. rochelle went on the computer, and jim and i cuddled on my bed. =] we didn't really do anything other than that.. jim and i fell asleep for about an hour, then we woke up, took rochelle home and then jim and i chilled.
he went home around 8:00 :'(
i miss him.
he needs to come back.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i don't want to act all happy and soicalize. ahh. i hate it anymore. i wish school was fuckin over already.

i want to go to homecoming.. :( but i'm not.

i better go read my english story, even though i can't really get into it, because it's so stupidly written, god. they need to get better stories already.

go to woohulyrics and get an account and then add me as a friend.