xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 28 September :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: Alone.
:: Music: Slipknot- Vermillion Pt. 2
I am nothing, I mean nothing.
After those days of glee, I've fallen again.
I am once again in the dark depths of depression.
I fucking hate this. I really wish I could be numb- not feel any of this..
I wish I didn't care if my feelings get hurt. I wish I could simply keep on going when my heart's been torn from my chest, dropped on the ground and shattered.... I wish it was easy to leave people.
I wish it was easy to be alone...
Please excuse me for bitching and complaining.
There's just so much going on right now... I keep setting myself up for heartbreak. I didn't want to deal with this anymore until I was older, then he came along...
And Honor's Chorus is consuming me. I really want this, but I'm not good enough. I know I'm not good enough.
I'm not good enough.
Never am. Never will be.
I'm sick of these fucking sleepless nights. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep.
I am everything I hate.
I am my own enemy.
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 26 September :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Atreyu- This Flesh a Tomb
If you want it fixed, here's some glue.
I'm not quite sure why it's so hard to be mad at you...
I'm making a decision, though. Your friendship is not worth having if you're not going to try to keep it alive. I am sick of your decieving. Other people can't see past it yet, but I can...
Why do you have to be like that? You are were such a good friend... I felt like I could really trust you. I opened up to you... And you just let all that fall apart... Dropped it on the ground and let it shatter.
This time I'm not going to pick up the peices... If you want to fix it, I'll leave it up to you...
Which I know will not happen, seeing as I am nothing. I am just some annoying little girl to you, and I'm sorry. Sorry for wanting to be your friend.
I won't lose hope
I won't give in.
_-=|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|=-_
Hate me now so I can move on
Make it easier to see that you're gone
All the things, they're gone too
Turn and changed into memories...
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2004 24 September :: 5.37pm
Betrayal.
One of the worst feelings in the world.
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2004 20 September :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: Squeeeee! ^_^
:: Music: Atreyu- The Crimson
Happeh Day :D
I love that kid.
Anyways, today was actually okay. It's been the first good day in a while, and it's a Monday. :] Hopefully the whole week will be good...
But I'm probably just getting my hopes up... Oh well ^^
Just since I'm having a happy moment, here's some people I love....
CAMERON SULLIVAN! (No, he's not bold, italic and at the top because he's standing right behind me... ^^;) I swurr.((Overused face -Cam))
-Carly
-Keely
-Aisha
-Rhianna
-Andrew
-John
-Brennen
-Weiner Schnitzel
-Hakki
-Taylor
-Seth
-Shammeh
-Bethany
-Renee
And some other people, sorry. I got tired of typing, heh.
Hanyways, I think I'm done for now... I'll get atcha later, kiddos.
Much love for all of you :D Now I go play in the awesome Fall weather, with my favorite muthafuckin' cheese man, and goldylocks :D
Y
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2004 19 September :: 12.23pm
:: Mood: Melancholy
:: Music: Boxcar Racer- I feel so
New Bern
I'm in New Bern right now ^_^.
Happy early/late/on time Birthday to the following:
Aunt Margaret (September 18th)
Renee (Today -19th)
Andrew (Tomorrow)
Carly (September 25th)
Turns out Michael's staying til the 25th... Hopefull I can see him at least once again...? =/ Whatever.
I don't want to worry about that right now.
I wish I could be happier.
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2004 13 September :: 3.16pm
:: Mood: Depressed.
:: Music: Jack Off Jill- Strawberry Gashes
You end up dead in the end.
Lately I've been so fucking depressed... And I'm not even sure as to why.
I think I'm dropping out of this election bullshit. I forgot why I even got into it in the first place. I guess Cope really does deserve to be President. She actually wants it, and would actually get something done...
I guess none of this will really matter in the end, seeing as I'll eventually die.
All day something's been dragging me down. I feel like I can't do anything right. I think I'm failing, again. This year I wanted to start over, and focus on my grades. Try to be a good kid... And once again, I've become a dissappointment. I'm not getting things turned in, not keeping organized...
To make things even better, all my new teachers already hated me. Aside from Mr. Riel and Mr. Moore, none of my teachers like me in the slightest bit.
I feel like I'm losing friends. Andrew keeps falling farther and farther away from me, and it seems like forever since Keely and I have had an actual conversation. Everyone just seems so distant lately. But maybe it's just me.
I came home early from school today, because I felt like I was going to cry. I've done that before. I think the nurse is starting to catch on that I'm not actually sick anymore...
Nothing seems to be gettign better. I wish we had a break coming up soon... So I could take some time off to clear my mind. Maybe next nine weeks, I'll just start over new. Get a clean slate... I know that's not going to happen, though.
There are so many things I don't like about me... So many flaws... And I wish I could just be perfect. That person who's always smiling, who never has anything wrong. Who has lots of friends who love her, and a close family. The person that all the teacher's love, and who gets good grades... The one people look up to...
But that will never happen. I'm no where even close to that...
I'm such a fucking pessimist. I can never see past the imperfections.
But why try to see what's not there?
You end up dead in the end, you end up right here my friend.
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2004 12 September :: 12.57pm
:: Mood: Alone.
:: Music: Phantom of the Opera- Music of the Night.
The power of the music of the night.
I hate good dreams...
They make you feel happy, then you wake up, and have this empty feeling... It's like your mind is taunting you. Showing you happiness, then taking it away. Leaving you with only the memory...
My weekend has sucked. And I feel like shit.
Ha, it's funny how life works...
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2004 11 September :: 6.45pm
Probably none of you will do this.
Erm, please fill this out and comment?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I died from suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
» Family:
WOULD YOU:
» Be my friend?:
» Lie to make me feel better?:
» Spread rumors about me?:
» Keep a secret if I told you one?:
» Loan me some cash?:
» Hold my hand?:
» Take a bullet for me?:
» Keep in touch?:
» Try and solve my problems?:
» Love me?:
» Date me?:
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2004 11 September :: 11.34am
:: Music: Evanescence- You
Lately, I've just had this weird feeling...
At times, it makes me feel so happy...
But at others, it makes me feel like... nothing is alright. Like nothing will ever be okay...
That night, when you were holding me in your arms, our hands intertwined... I felt like everything was alright... I forgot about all of the tension and stress that had built up...
And yesterday, I just wanted to kiss you so bad.
But is that what you wanted?
____________________________________
Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
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2004 8 September :: 10.21pm
:: Music: Atreyu- A Vampire's Lament
It's just an urge you can't resist
When you put the knife against your wrist,
The release it brings is just sweet bliss
But the scars you see, they cannot miss.
Closing your eyes to dissapear
Your thoughts are filled with hate and fear,
You softly scream, though no one can hear.
You can only hope that death is near.
This pain is just so difficult to fight
It's getting hard to sleep at night
You feel like nothing you do is right
So just close your eyes, close them tight...
You're safe from all of that here,
Here in my arms, my dear.
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2004 6 September :: 7.06pm
:: Mood: Bleh.
:: Music: Metallica- Nothing Else Matters
=/...
Lots of things going on. Bringing me down... Breaking me.
Today Steph came and got me, and we drove to Hampstead to see Michael. He was staying at Amanda's, but he was supposedly leaving this morning. Steph had a feeling that he was still there, though. So we drove 30 minutes out to Hampstead, lo and behold, he was still there. It was great seeing him, but I wnated so badly to be mad at him... Just couldn't. The thing that's getting to me is, he wasn't being... him. The caring Michael I know... And he wouldn't even stand up to hug either of us goodbye.
Steph is a very nice girl though. I hope I get to hang out with her more often.
Also, I like ______ so much. And it keeps getting worse and worse. I'm falling farther and farther.... And it hurts... Whenever I talk to him I get this really weird feeling. I can't describe it...
I'm going to stop talking about it now, though. Bleh.
Kill me slowly, I'll never be the same.
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2004 6 September :: 9.12am
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2004 5 September :: 12.58pm
:: Music: System of a Down- Chop Suey
Wee
I made my journal pretty.
I'll probably change it again soon.
Like it? Comment, porfavor.
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2004 4 September :: 3.22pm
:: Mood: ;( Injured
:: Music: The Who- My Generation
Doooogle.
Doug's birthday party was just Riley.
I got multiple injuries, but they were fun injuries. I accidentally humped Rhianna's leg, too. XD
"Something's poking me, Andrew"
Beware for the painful group hugs...
And the dog piles on the omega blueberry.
"HOLY SHIT DOUG, YOU'RE CRUSHING MY PENIS!"
Man, that was the scariest thing... Having Aisha, Rhianna, Doug, Keely and Riley all flying at me and Andrew...
Keely's my wife to be... and Andrew's my bitch. =D <3 <3 <3 <3 <3333333333333333333333333
Lord of the Llamas,
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2004 3 September :: 7.50pm
I'm at Doug's house, and we're watching an enzyte comercial.
I'm currently bonding with my wife to be, and Doug is standing over my shoulder ^_^. Fun stuff....
I <3 Andrew KIWI!!!
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