4 more weeks!!
AWWWW..... the christmas parade for Town Center Mall was tonight (i know what you're thinking, it's not even christmas yet!), but as of tonight there will be a Santa sitting in his thrown until the end of the season. But anyways, i was put into the best mood ever tonight. I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME! When it comes to this, i am basically five again. I feel like anything can happen during this time of year. I got to work, and i had my raindeer headband on, and there were christmas lights all over Friday's and loud christmas tunes playing in the backround. It reminded me of what was comming in just a month. it was kind of chilly tonight too, which just topped it off even more. Man, work was awesome tonigh. Tonight was the first night in a long long time, that i have felt truely GREAT. Like all i wanted to do was smile and laugh and be happy. I miss feeling like that some times.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I used to do. I almost did it again. but then I realized...it's not as easy now to conceal it.



" Ever since the day with Marrissa at my house when you got all jealous over us kissing, I've been thinking about you. I have been thinking about you a lot. And then I found out taht you were with G.C. and i was like, WOW, I can't compete with that, he's a better drummer, and has liberty spikes, and must get all the ladies. But i thought I'd go out on a limb and tell you how i felt"
That is basically what Branden just told me on the phone. ARGGGGG. This always happens, we don't talk for weeks, then all of a sudden he realizes that he's still crazy about me and feels the need to give me a ring. I mean, i think he's an AWESOME guy, and we'd make the best of friends, but i just don't see myself with him like that. maybe he's too young, or just mentally too young.

big pimpin'
i am at my sister's work in ft. lauderdale helping her out with some office crap. in exchange, i get a buzz bakesale ticket.

i got my first car yesturday!!! it's a 94' exploreer...it's white, and i like it. there are some problems with it, like the gas gage is broken and all but one speaker is messed up. but, it's MINE, MY car. i am going to go broke every month paying for it, along with gas and car insurance, but it is worth it because i can be independent now. HALLA

?
my head hurts, and i have work again tonight. i am getting sick of work, maybe just burnt out. this week i am working 6 days in a row too :). gotta love it...NOT

what memories are made of...
well, last night was homecomming. i have no complaints at all, it was actually an awesome night.
i had work until 3, then i went and bought some jewlry and picked GC up on my way home. he hung out at my house while i got ready-it was cute seeing him talk ot my parents and just chill at my house.
my sister did my hair, and (sorry Amy), but i didn't like it all that much. but i didn't really care all that much, who cares about hair anyways? i felt like a ninja. hehe sad but true. you know how they have the big bun on top of their head with the sticks hanging out...well i had half my hair in a bun with strands of hair sticking up. ah, who cares?

we went to the melting pot for dinner. i am still trying to decide which i found more fun, dinner or the dance. the reason i loved dinner so much is because it was just the two of us so we could really talk and hang out alone. the dance was awesome, but he was with the few guys he does know most of the night. i didn't mind, it was good b/c i didn't feel like i had to hang by him every second of the night since he knew people too.

the thing i liked most about the night was how affectionate he was towards me. it was the first time he's ever held my hand and even *kissed* me in front of other people. well, i guess his secret (me) is out now. lol. i mean everyone knows that we like each other, but only one person knew that we've kissed. but i loved how his hand kept finding mine, and he kept pulling me closer to him. he was very....cupplish? all night.

i've never really been into that. the whole public display of affection crap. usually i hate it. my ex (branden) used to get so mad at me b/c when we were at shows and stuff i would be like get the F off of me, lol. but with GC i don't mind it at all. ah, and he's so cute. he looked so good last night all dressed up. and we had so much fun. i know that he really liked dinner and i am glad he had a good time at the dance.
i forgot who it was, but i remember someone i know last night saying "how'd you get him"...i was thinking, what the hell do you mean by that. that's one thing i don't want. i don't want people thinking, why is he with her? he could do better....you know what i mean? why is it that I am the lucky ong to be with HIM? why can't He be the lucky one to be with ME? lol. i know i am just being dumb.
this sucks, i am starting to like him a lot. maybe a little to much. i am starting ot depend on him being there. i didn't want to let myself get into anythign that would hurt if taken away. well, too late. Stephanie, you've done it again. you've set yourself up for another heartache.....i went to the Matrix today and in it, one of the lines was...with all beginnings must come an end. well, it might be great now, but how much is it going to suck when it ends? but i am just getting wayy ahead of myself here. for all i know, this won't go any further then whatever it is we have now. arg...what is it that we have now? he says he really likes me and cares for me and would be really hurt if i did anythign with any other guys...yet we're not going out? i mean, i guess we're dating, but what would change if we gave it a title...NOTHING. but i guess that's not important, who cares about a label?
i wish i thought that was true. before now i always hated that labeling crap. but now i kinda want it. i guess i am totally over my huge fear of commitment that has made me push soo many guys away in the past. but, what has changed? is it me or him that makes me want somethien serious?

have you saved a life today?
today was the blood drive at my school. it was my first time donating...MAN, i was soo nervous. i was convinced it was going to be so painful and that i was going to pass out and blah blah blah. but i was all wrong, it didn't hurt at all. not even a little. they pricked my finger to test the iron levels, and that dumb little prick hurt more then the big needle and pump they stuck in my arm.
i feel very good about myself, i am convinced that this blood is going to save the lives of 3 little kids who are depending on it. because of me, 3 people will have a chance at life.
lol or at least that's what the poster said ;).

tears....wow it's been so long since i have cried over someone. i feel like such a dumb girl. F EVERYONE

friends never drift apart???
You know, it's funny how easily people can drift apart from each other. i am talking to Heather Sullivan online, we used to be inseperable, best friends for 3 years. we were planning on moving out and goign to college together, getting away from our parents with each other was our dream for 3 years.
well, i went away for over two months this summer and that ruined our friendship. i thought that as soon as i came back home things would go right back to normal and i would have my same old best friend back for our last eyar of highschool again. we don't even talk anymore. i know NOTHING about what's goign on in her life. tonight is the first night i have even talked to her online in over 5 months, and it's all small chat, liek "what's up.....nothing here". i feel like she is just some chick i just met or i dont' like..
but i must admit,
i do miss her.
i basically lost ALL my friends this summer, even though i made a lot of new ones, it still sucks. but i think i mstured a lot this sumemr too. bc i no longer WANT to be friends with most of the ones i was with last year, i mean i realized how fake most of them were and i no longer want to be around that.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 8TH HOMECOMMING

just a girl
about last nights forever long journal entry. i was just being a dumb confused girl. i am no longer doubting him anymore. i need to stop listening to other people and start paying more attention to my feelings. and my feelings are getting to be really strong towards him.
there, i said it. and to think people actually pay "doctors" mad amounts of money to admit thier emotions. i think they all just need to pick up a pen, or a keyboard and write it down, lol. but i do like him, kinda a lot. is that bad? i guess we'll see in a little bit.

life lessons....
i am realizing that the more and more i learn and the more and more i think i know, the more i realize that i know nothing.

setting myself up for another fall....
I was hanging out with Nathan today. He's a friend of mine that I have known for a few years, I met him when his band played at my old church. We've known each other forever, yet only hang out like once every couple of months. Well, today we went to the halloween store, then the mall and then to the movies. It wasn't a date or anything like that, just friends hanging out.
But for some reason, the WHOLE time during the movie, I was thinking...I wish GC was here..I mean I even left to "go to the bathroom" to call GC and tell him that it was him I wish were there with me, not Nathan. I'm doing a really really bad job at NOT letting myself like him.
At frist, it was easy to turn off my emotions towards him. He had a girlfriend, who he was in love with and blah blah blah....but, after we started to hang out more...he started calling me more. And then one night he even told me that there was this girl who was making him doubt his feelings towards his girlfriend, and he had a small crush on her. Well, I was stoked when I found out this "girl" was me. All this...while he had a girlfriend.
Saturday night, we hung out ALL NIGHT, even slept on the same floor space. He would grab my hand every once in a while and when no one was around he would grab me or hug me or do something cute towards me. At first I was hesitent knowing he had a girlfriend, but eventually I gave up and let hold on to me a little longer....I can't say that I hated it ;). Well, as soon as he got home on Sunday, he called his girl friend and they broke up...I know I am not sopost to be happy over someone else's pain...but COME ON! lol, so maybe I was doing a lil dance inside. hehe...
It is rare for me to find a guy that I could honestly see myself dating, I usually think the whole concept is dumb...but he is different. I can honestly say that I would go out with him. Just not now. He was just in a relationship for a year. I mean I wouldn't want him jumping into one relationship after another...does that make any sense?? Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, for all I know he doesn't really feel all the strongly towards me, with my luck..it's all just a joke or he is just confused, I don't know. With my past with guys, I wouldn't doubt anything. But to be honest, for the first time in a long time, I am not coubting this, and I do think he is sincere.